


The Notion of Falling

by smokeshop



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, F/M, Hate to Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-02 14:45:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 106,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10946697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeshop/pseuds/smokeshop
Summary: Isak hates Even and Even hates Isak and Sana is the only one who knows why





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone :) I know I just finished Half Blade and Half Silk, but I was kind of working on this as I wrote that :o  
> So here's the first chapter <3  
> The response to Half Blade and Half Silk was so so great, and I hope this can live up .___.  
> This was named from the quote, "People fall hard for the notion of falling."  
> Talk to me on tumblr @supermansplaining or in the comments section. Love you all <333

**I**

Even was back.

It didn't make sense. He was supposed to be gone at the end of last year. Isak wasn't supposed to see him again, especially not in his own fucking school.

He kept looking over at him from the cafeteria table. Even looked the same as he had last year. He looked as if he hadn't disappeared for the last two months of school. He looked good.

“What are you looking at?” Mahdi asked from across the table, and Isak turned his head.

“What?”

“What are you looking at?”

“Oh.” He nodded to the side, where Even was seated alone on the other end of the cafeteria. “That kid from Bakka is here. I just... I thought he was a third year last year, I don't get why he's back.”

“He had to repeat,” Jonas said. “I don't know why, and I don't know why he's at Nissen, either.” He looked at Isak. “How do you know him?”

Isak shrugged, clearing his throat. “Just from... parties, and stuff. I don't fucking know. I think Sana knows him.”

That was too many reasons, he realized after he'd said them. Any one of them would do, but all three of them together was the epitome of suspicion. And Jonas was clearly suspicious.

His phone buzzing gave him the excuse he needed.

Sana: _Have you seen him?_

Isak: _Why is he here?_

Sana: _Had to repeat._

Isak: _Does he know I'm here?_

Sana: _He knows you go here. I don't know if he's seen you yet._

Isak: _Fuck Sana_

_What's going on?_

Sana: _Relax_

_I'm sure he'll leave you alone._

He didn't answer. He tucked his phone back in his pocket and risked another glance at Even across the room. But this time he was looking back, mouth twisted into a smirk. Isak looked down at the table with cheeks burning and anger rising. He didn't need this. On top of everything else, he didn't need this.

“I've gotta grab a book from my locker,” Isak said, standing up so fast his chair screeched beneath him and garnered the attention of half of the cafeteria. “I'll see you guys later.”

“What the fuck, Isak?” Jonas called behind him as he left.

He couldn't be there anymore. He couldn't be looked at like that by Even anymore. Not after what'd happened. Not when Even knew.

He struggled with his locker with mounting frustration and shaking hands until he gave up and rested his forehead against the metal.

“Fancy seeing you here,” came a deep voice from next to him, and he whirled around so fast he hit his head against the lockers he'd just been leaning against.

“Ow, fuck.” When he looked up it was Even. “What the fuck.”

“Hi, Isak.”

“Go away.” He turned back to the locker and tried opening it again just to do something other than look at Even and his unkind smile.

“Figured you wouldn't want to see me,” Even said, watching him. “But, hey, it's taken you a week to notice.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” Isak asked, finally turning back to him. The hallway was empty which was a blessing Isak would remember.

“I changed schools,” Even said.

“What are you doing _here._ At my locker.”

Even shrugged, still smiling. It wasn't a nice smile, it wasn't the kind of smile they used to share. This one was mean. It felt dangerous.

“Are you going to tell?” Isak finally asked. His voice trembled even though he tried so hard to keep it steady. Even though keeping it steady was all he wanted in the moment.

Even scoffed. “Please. I don't want people to know, either.”

Despite the shitty tone, Isak was able to breathe properly. “Good.”

Even nodded. “Good.” He backed away. “I'll see you around, Isak.”

Isak watched him go. And it was good. It was okay. His heart stopped beating so fast even as it broke just a little bit more than it already had.

But it'd be okay. Right? It had to be okay.

“Hey,” Sana said, making him jump and turn around again.

“Hey,” Isak answered, attempting a pathetic little string of a smile.

“Chill.” She rested a hand on his arm. “I saw him.”

“What does he want from me, Sana?” he asked. His hands were shaking. “I'm afraid he's gonna tell.”

“He's not going to tell, Isak,” Sana said. “I promise. He'll lose things, too, if people find out.” Her hand was rubbing up and down his arm and he found that it was easing him as he relaxed against the lockers. Her gaze was concerned, a little sad. If nothing else, at least he had Sana. “I've got you, Isak. Okay? It's gonna be fine.”

Sana didn't hate Even. Sana was an impartial third party who knew both sides but didn't share them. She would commiserate, she would empathize, but she would never speak badly of Even to Isak, or Isak to Even.

“Are you ready to go to class?” she asked.

Isak nodded, and Sana smiled. “Hey,” she said, chucking her knuckle under Isak's chin like a grandmother would. “It's gonna be fine.”

Isak didn't really have anything else to rely on, so he believed her.

  
**II**

“Lea?”

He locked the door when he got home, taking off his shoes. The house was a disaster. “Lea?”

He heard her bounding down the stairs, and then she was hugging him around the middle.

“Hey, baby girl,” he said, smoothing his palm down her hair. “How was school?”

Her voice was muffled in his shirt and he couldn't hear what she said, but he just said, “Good,” anyways, because there were other things to worry about other than what his eight-year-old sister had done at school that day. As soon as he thought that he felt guilty, though.

He pulled her back by her shoulders and she peered up at him. “Has Dad been back?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“Okay, has Mamma been out of bed?”

She shook her head again, and he sighed and said, “Alright, go do your homework, I'll be in the kitchen.”

She bounced into the living room and Isak knew he should go up and check on his mother, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd take care of the dishes in the kitchen sink, first. That was a manageable chore, while his mother never was.

His phone buzzed as he was loading the dishwasher.

Jonas: _Party Friday night at Eva's_

Mahdi: _I'm in_

Magnus: _I'm with ya_

Jonas: _Sweet. My place for predrinks?_

Mahdi: _Good with me_

Magnus: _I'll bring beer_

Mahdi: _I've got weed_

Jonas: _We can always count on you_

_Isak?_

Isak: _I don't think I can_

Mahdi: _You haven't been out with us in forever_

Isak: _There's no one to watch my sister_

Magnus: _Let us know if you change your mind_

He dropped his phone on the counter and kept packing the dishwasher until it was full and he would have to wash the rest by hand. He started the washer and took the sponge in hand and wished things could be different. “Lea? What do you want for dinner?”

“Pizza!” she yelled.

“We're not having pizza again. Choose something else.”

“Macaroni and cheese!”

He took a mental inventory of things left in the house, and called, “Okay. I'll make that.” He listened for a second, turning off the faucet. “Are you doing homework or watching TV?”

He heard the distinct lack of background noise after that, and she called guiltily, “Homework!”

“Good.” He washed the rest of the pans and plates, dried them, and put them away. “I'm going upstairs to check on Mamma,” he told her as he passed through the living room, pressing a kiss to the top of her head as she did a worksheet for addition on the couch.

The door was cracked open like Isak always left it. He'd torn the lock from inside with a screwdriver so that she wouldn't be able to lock herself in. He pushed the door open the rest of the way and stood in the darkness of curtains pulled shut on afternoon light. She was asleep, chest rising and falling beneath the covers, and he moved to her bedside table to pick up the plate with a stale sandwich that she clearly hadn't touched. He filled her empty glass with water from the en suite faucet, took a glance at her face, and left her alone again.

He hated thinking like this, but it was so much easier when she was like this, than when she was awake and angry and screaming about God.

The landline started ringing and he answered it in the living room.

“Hi, Isak?” the woman on the other line said. “It's Ann. Cathrine was just wondering if Lea could come over Friday night? She's welcome to stay the night, of course, and I can drop her off back at yours in the morning.”

He moved the phone from his ear and said, “Want to sleep over at Cathrine's this weekend?”

Lea smiled. “Yes. Can I?”

“Of course.” He brought the phone back up. “She'd love to.”

“Great, I'll pick her up from school with Cathrine.”

“Okay, cool. She has my cell number, in case she needs anything.”

Ann was kind of his savior. Her daughter had been Lea's best friend since she started school, and Ann had pretty quickly figured out that something was wrong in the household. She never talked about it, but she would let Lea over whenever Isak asked, and she would send food home with Lea when she left her house.

“You're gonna go over straight after school, okay?” he said. “I want you to call me from Miss Ann's phone, okay, as soon as you get back to her house.”

“Yes, Issy,” she said with an impressive roll of her eyes. “And it's Wednesday. You didn't have to tell me this today. You're overprotective.”

“Overprotective?” he repeated with a smile. “Where'd you learn that word? I'm not overprotective.”

“You haven't made me any macaroni,” she said.

“Rude.”

She laughed and pushed him off as he placed a smacking kiss on her cheek.

“Okay, baby girl, I'm going. Finish that work. I'm gonna start dinner.” He kissed her forehead and stood up.

Isak: _I can come on Friday_

Jonas: _Yes man!_

Magnus: _Lit_

Mahdi: _:)_

Isak and Lea ate mac and cheese out of the pot Isak had cooked it in, sitting on the living room floor so they could watch television at the same time.

“Is Mamma okay?” Lea asked, eyes fixed on Mulan on the TV screen.

“Mamma's gonna be fine,” Isak answered. _Mulan_ was his favorite of his sister's movies, but he actually kind of enjoyed watching all of them with her. Not only was it the only time she would stop running around the house and asking him to play with her, but relaxing and watching Disney movies was kind of calming for him, too.

“How do you know?” she asked.

Isak shrugged, finally turning to her. She was still facing the TV, but he could tell she wasn't really watching anymore. “I'm your big brother,” he said with a smile. “I know everything.”

“That's not true.”

“Sure it is. The first born child gets all the intuition.”

Lea looked at him and said dully, “What's intuition?”

“Never mind. Look, Mamma will be fine. Okay?” He put his arm around her shoulders and looked down at her, pulling her close. “I'll make sure of it.”

“Can you do that?” she asked, looking up.

“Of course I can. I can do anything.”

“When is Dad coming home?” she asked. So many questions. Isak had them, too, but he didn't have anyone to ask.

It'd be wrong to tell her that he hadn't been able to get in contact with her father for a week. She deserved to not be lied to, but she was also only eight years old. So he said, “I don't know, baby girl. But it doesn't matter. I'm here.”

  
**III**

As soon as he was there he regretted it. Although assured by his sister that she would be fine, and after checking on his mother, leaving her food and water and a note explaining where he'd gone and when he'd be home, he wished he was home with them both right now.

“You really look like you're enjoying the party,” Sana said to him, both of them standing against a wall.

“So do you,” Isak replied. “Why are you standing alone?”

“Because I wanted to talk to you,” she said. “Why are you all alone?”

He motioned vaguely to the crowd before them, somewhere in which his friends were attempting to hook up with girls. Sana nodded, even though she couldn't see Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus, and said, “Ah, I see.” She turned to him. “Maybe you should just tell them. I'm sure it'd make for a better time at parties.”

“Yeah, because your friends knowing you're Muslim have really helped them connect to you and understand,” he said, rolling his eyes. “People exclude people who are different, Sana. You know that.”

“Of course I know that, Isak, but your friends are... different than mine. You don't have a Vilde.”

“I have a Magnus,” Isak said, and Sana laughed.

“Magnus doesn't have a malicious bone in his body,” she said. “If you tell them, they'll accept it just fine. And maybe you'll get to talk about concerns of your own instead of what girls they're trying to bone.”

“Problems of my own?” he said with a weak shrug and a weaker smile. “I'm fine.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sure, Isak. Look, I know you're really struggling, but having someone to talk to other than me will help. I'm gonna go, I'll see you around.”

“Bye, Sana.”

He watched her trace her way through the crowd like she was made to shove people aside, and soon saw the reason for her leaving. She approached Even at the door, Even and his girlfriend, and Even smiled as he leaned down to hug her.

He always seemed so kind to everyone else. Isak didn't know what he'd done so wrong to earn his contempt.

Even caught his eye from across the room as Sana spoke animatedly with Sonja, and Isak looked away. After a moment of standing alone, he shoved his way through the people around him and made his way to a guest bedroom door. He'd spent a lot of time here in his first year, laying with Eva and wishing he felt something for her the way Jonas did. He knew his way through the floor plan, at this point.

He'd only been sitting on the bed for a few minutes, in near darkness, before the door was opened and the light turned on.

“Hi,” Even said, closing the door behind him.

“What are you doing here?” Isak asked, eyes big with surprise as he stood up. “You saw me come in here.”

“I did,” Even answered with a smirk, leaning his back against the door.

“Then what do you want.”

“Sana asked me to leave you alone,” Even said. “I just wanted to know why.”

“Why?” Isak repeated. “ _Why?_ Why the fuck do you think, Even, you know what happened, and you know it was wrong.”

“Yeah, I know,” Even said. “I know that. I just... what do you think I'm going to _do_ to you, Isak? I'm not here to damage your reputation.”

“If you think that's why I hate you, then you really don't know me,” Isak said. He wanted to leave, but Even was blocking the door. “Can you move? I want to go home.”

“It's only ten,” Even answered.

“I don't give a fuck what time it is, Even, I want to leave!” he yelled, surprising himself. “God, why do you have to make everything so fucking complicated? Why can't you just let things be?”

“This was both of our faults, Isak,” Even said. He looked less fazed by Isak's outburst than Isak had been.

“But I'm trying to get over it! I don't understand why you won't let me!” He started walking to the door, but Even was stood in his way. He looked up at his face, and Even was already looking down at him, wearing a hard expression. Isak swallowed. “Let me through, Even.”

“You're acting like a child.”

“Let me through!” Isak yelled, and Even watched him for another moment before stepping to the side to comply.

Isak ran through the crowd. As fast as he could, stumbling over hoards of people. The sooner he got outside, the less likely he'd be to stop breathing from the anxiety. As soon as the air hit him, he took heaving breaths in, fingers curled in tight fists, and tried to calm down.

Fuck Even for doing this to him. He didn't have to. Fuck him for being here, for cornering him, for acting like his feelings meant nothing.

He pulled his phone out and texted with shaking fingers.

Isak: _You said he'd leave me alone_

Sana: _What'd he do??_

Isak: _Just tell him to leave me alone_

_Please Sana_

_I can't deal with this_

Sana: _Isak calm down_

Isak: _I just want to forget that it happened_

_Please_

_Tell him to lay off_

_I can't handle it anymore and I don't know what I did to him but I don't care anymore_

_I just want it to stop._

Sana: _Isak I'm sorry_

_I'll talk to him_

_You two should talk, though_

_There's more to it than you know_

Isak: _I'm not talking with him_

_No way_

Sana: _Where are you?_

Isak: _I'm going home_

_This was a mistake_

Sana: _He's not a bad guy._

_He has his reasons_

Isak: _I don't care_

_Just tell him to stay away_

Sana: _I will_

_I'm sorry_

Isak: _It's not your fault, Sana_

_I'll see you on Monday_

Sana: _Ok. Be safe._

He walked home in only his hoodie. He could get his jacket from Eva later, and the cold was preferable to seeing Even or the suffocating crowd. He wished he'd never gone.

He had thought that after everything that had happened, Even could bear to leave him alone. It was the least of everything. He didn't have to like Isak, he didn't have to try to make it better. But he could leave it where it'd ended instead of making it worse by dragging it out. It was over. He wanted so badly for it to be over.

  
**IV**

Even was at his same position across the cafeteria on Monday as he had been Thursday, but this time he wasn't looking. He was texting with a smile on his face, alone once again at the table, feet crossed on the tabletop. He didn't look at all put off or sheepish or anything after their encounter on Friday, and it was unreasonable for Isak to expect it of him, and even more unreasonable for him to be upset that Even wasn't upset.

Isak was upset. Every time he looked at Even he was upset, and he didn't know how to stop the feeling. Because it was more hurt than anger, and he wished he could be angry. He would give anything to be angry, instead of this stupid fucking pain he felt.

He took his phone from his jacket pocket while the boys talked about going down on girls.

Dad: _How's Lea?_

Isak: _Where are you_

Dad: _I'm just staying away for a while_

Isak: _I haven't seen you in three weeks._

_When are you coming back?_

Dad: _I don't know yet_

_Is everything okay?_

He didn't answer. He set the phone face down on the table and glanced at his friends as they argued about the best technique for cunnilingus.

“You're supposed to write the alphabet with you're tongue,” Mahdi said. “It hits all the good spots.”

“I always just do hard circles and then long swipes,” Jonas said, then added with a smirk, “Gets the job done.”

“Damn,” Magnus said, mouth open. “Damn, what the fuck. I didn't know you were supposed to go down on girls.”

“You're not _supposed_ to,” Jonas said with an eye roll. “It's just nice foreplay. Or helping her finish. They love it, if you do it right.”

“And the right way's... the alphabet?” Magnus asked, turning to Mahdi in question.

“The alphabet works wonders, man,” Mahdi agreed with a nod.

“You don't _have_ to do the alphabet,” Jonas said.

“Ask any girl what the proper technique is, and she'll tell you it's the alphabet,” Mahdi replied.

“Fuck, does everyone go down on girls?” Magnus asked. The anguish in his voice was a bit exaggerated for the conversation at hand, but Magnus himself was a bit of an exaggeration.

“I don't know, man, it doesn't matter if everyone else does it,” Jonas said. “You should do it if you want to and if she wants you to, don't just do it because everyone else does.”

“Is it fun? Doesn't it taste weird down there?”

Isak actually laughed at that, along with his friends, even though he'd been studiously avoiding involvement in the conversation prior to that point.

“It tastes a little odd, I guess,” Jonas said after a moment. “But it's definitely not bad. Just interesting. Don't you think?”

He was asking for a general consensus from the table, all of whom, barring Magnus, were expected to have given head before.

And Isak had. Just not to the correct sex.

He nodded anyways.

“What the hell.” Magnus looked completely dumbstruck. Like this knowledge had just destroyed his whole world. “I didn't know eating out was such a good thing to do. Fuck.”

“Well girls go down on us all the time, it seems only fair to reciprocate,” Mahdi said.

This was a boring conversation. Isak looked back at Even, who was looking up with a smile at Sana and Vilde. His gaze travelled from Vilde's face, probably enthusiastic and grinning broadly, to Isak's, only briefly, before Isak looked down and tuned back into the conversation.

“No one's telling you that you have to go down on girls, Magnus!” Jonas was saying.

“But you're saying girls like guys that go down on them, so I kind of do,” Magnus said.

“A lot of guys don't go down on girls,” Jonas said.

“But you three do!” Magnus nudged him, and Isak had to look up from the tabletop, dreading the inclusion.

“Hey!”

He'd never been so thankful for the piercing shrillness of Vilde's voice. Sana was standing next to her and Isak eyed her and her suspicious smile and her raised brows warily.

“Hey,” Jonas said.

“You four should join our new revue group!” Vilde said excitedly, and Isak tuned out the rest of what she was saying in favor of looking at Sana, because her expression would decide this for him.

As soon as she closed her eyes and nodded, Isak knew he'd be joining Vilde's new revue group.

In biology, he asked anyways.

“Am I gonna have to go?” he asked, watching Sana take out her notebook.

“Yes, sir,” she said, placing a pencil on the desk and turning to him.

“To all of them or just the first one?” he tried.

She opened her notebook, shrugging. “We'll see how the first one goes.”

He watched her. With her dark lipstick and sharp-winged eyeliner, she looked invincible.

So he smiled. “Okay, Sana. Whatever you say.”

  
**V**

“Mamma, I heated up some soup for you,” Isak said, walking into her room. “I'd really like if you tried to eat it.”

She didn't move, and she hadn't eaten anything Isak had left for her all week. He'd found an empty sleeve of Oreos beside the bed on Tuesday, though, so he knew she was eating something.

“Mamma? This is good for you. You need to eat stuff that's good for you, stuff with meat and vegetables and things. It'll make you feel better.”

He saw a box of crackers on the floor and picked it up. Empty, save for some crumbs.

“You have to eat healthy things,” Isak said, although if it weren't for Lea he'd be eating pizza and Chinese takeout every night. “You won't get better if you don't eat healthy things.”

He didn't fucking know if this was true or not, because he didn't know what was wrong with her. He never had, and he probably never would. His dad wouldn't acknowledge that there was a problem for long enough to address the problem. Instead, he'd leave every so often and then come back when he felt he could handle having a family again. The perfect procedure for someone who didn't care at all.

“Fine,” Isak said, leaving the soup on the nightstand and leaving the room. He only realized once he was in the hall that he'd set the bowl down too hard with a voice that was too rough.

Fuck him. He was a fucking asshole.

He sat down on the bed beside her and heaved a sigh. “I'm sorry, Mamma. I'm just worried. You don't need to eat it if you don't want.” He kissed her cheek and stood up. “I'll be down with Lea if you need me. I love you.”

He wondered if any of it was getting through to her, or if he was wasting time talking to himself.

Downstairs, Lea was dutifully ripping up lettuce at the kitchen counter and putting it in the strainer Isak had gotten out for her. She was kneeling on a chair to reach the countertop and humming to herself.

“What song is that?” Isak asked, coming up beside her and taking a knife from the baby-locked drawer. It was something he'd found among the rest of Lea's baby stuff in the attic, and put back on the drawer when his mom had run at his dad with it after a week without proper sleep.

“You don't know it,” Lea said, tearing the lettuce with a sly smile.

He laughed. “I don't know it?”

“No.”

“You know a song I don't?”

“I know a lot that you don't know,” she said, setting down the lettuce and watching him challengingly.

He raised his eyebrows, pulling a cutting board onto the counter and moving to the fridge for vegetables. “Really? Like what?”

“Like that song,” she said, brushing her hands off over the strainer full of lettuce, and Isak laughed, because his baby sister was clever.

“Okay, smart ass, run that under the faucet. Cold water.”

She got down from the chair, pushed it in front of the sink, and climbed back on. “You're not supposed to say that word.”

“No?”

“If you say it I should be able to say it.”

Isak thought about this. The logic was a bit flawed, since he was a year over twice her age, but he just said, “You can say it when you turn... thirteen.”

Her eyes lit up. “All the cuss words, or only that one?”

“Which ones do you know?”

She rolled her eyes, and Isak could admit that it was a stupid questions. Their parents had screamed every name in the book at one another. Lea had heard everything before she turned six.

“Fine, you can say all of them.”

This placated her, and after rinsing the lettuce she stepped down from the chair again and pushed it next to Isak to watch him slice tomato dices and strips of carrot. He was cutting bell peppers when she tried to reach onto the cutting board to grab a carrot and he almost ran the knife over her finger.

“Lea!” he yelled, yanking her hand back with one of his own and throwing the knife to the side with his other. “Never do that again!” he shouted, still holding onto her wrist. “You could've gotten hurt. Never do that again.”

When he looked up she had tears welling up in her eyes, and he regretted everything he'd just done, except pulling her hand back. “Oh, God, I'm sorry,” he said, wrapping her up in his arms. “I'm so sorry, I never should've shouted. You just scared me.”

How like his father could be possibly be? He'd never made his little sister cry before.

He pulled back and swiped at her cheek. “Forgive me?”

Her smile was watery, but it was a smile. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Okay, that's good. Want to keep helping? Because you don't have to. You have my permission to go to the living room and watch TV for the rest of the night.”

She smiled. “You're so guilty, Issy. I want to put the veggies in, and then I'll go watch TV.”

“Alright, baby girl. Give me a minute to finish chopping, then you can put it in. Keep your hands at your sides.”

He finished cutting the vegetables—clumsily, because he was not an outstanding talent in the kitchen—and then put the knife in the sink to let Lea pick up the slices in her hands and drop them on top of the lettuce in the mixing bowl.

“Perfect. Thank you.” He kissed her cheek and then swatted her down from the chair. “I'll let you know when everything's ready.”

He mixed the salad together, set it to the side, and then made sandwiches with the last of what they had in the refrigerator. He had to go shopping soon, anyways, he'd just have to do it after school tomorrow instead of on the weekend like he'd planned.

He texted his father. _I need some money_

Dad: _For what?_

Isak: _Are you really in the position to be asking questions right now?_

Dad: _How much?_

Isak: _Enough for another week's groceries._

Dad: _Fine. I'll transfer it. Save the receipt from the grocery store for me._

Isak: _To prove I'm not stealing from you? Fine._

Dad: _That's not what I meant._

_Isak_

_You're so dramatic_

Isak: _Don't call me dramatic_

_I've been here for three weeks while you're god knows where_

_So just send me the money_

_And don't pretend like you know me_

“Lea!” he called. “Dinner's ready.”

This was what mattered now. Everything else could wait.

  
**VI**

He'd managed to avoid Even for the entire week, save for the occasional eye contact across the hall that ended after a second with Isak dropping his gaze. He didn't care if it made it seem like he was weak or scared or giving up. He didn't care about anything but forgetting.

“Isak!” Eva cried when he walked into the auditorium. She hugged him, and Vilde shoved some bread into his hands, and Sana winked at him. So he sat down.

He knew that the boys wouldn't show up. He'd begged them to come, and they'd all halfheartedly agreed because they didn't want to say no to his face. Just from their tones at the point of agreement, he'd known that they would be standing him up with lame excuses. He had his phone in hand as he waited for the messages to come through the group chat. And they did, one after the other.

Jonas: _Sorry. Had to help my mom with something._

Magnus: _I forgot the meeting was tonight. Sorry man._

Mahdi: _Sorry bro_

At least Mahdi didn't come up with some lame lie to cover his ass. Isak sighed as he shoved the phone back into his pocket. He caught Sana's eye across the room and she smirked at him with raised eyebrows. He just rolled his eyes back. There wasn't a lot he wouldn't do for Sana, but coming to another one of these meetings on a Friday was going to have to be something he passed up. Lea wasn't used to being home by herself past four o'clock. The more he thought about it, the more he panicked that he should have called Ann and asked her if she could stay with Cathrine after school.

He was about to call the landline at home—which would undoubtedly annoy his sister, who was probably enjoying chomping on every sweet thing he'd brought home from the grocery store yesterday, and who had already called him to assure him that she got home and the door was locked and Mamma was still asleep—when Even walked in.

Isak froze. What the fuck. Was nothing without him, now?

They looked each other in the eye and Isak huffed and looked away. He heard Even scoff, and heard him walk to the row behind him and sit down. After that, he could focus on little else except that fact that Even was here, in this place he didn't even want to be. Even was here, again. And Even still didn't understand.

The words, “Love exercise,” reached through his angered haze, and he was aware enough of the situation to know that there was no way in hell he was doing that.

So when everyone else stood up, Isak moved to the door and left the room.

He took a few minutes walking around the halls, and ended up in the bathroom.

“Lea? How's everything at home?”

“Issy why are you so worried all the time?” she said back with a huffy little breath. “I'm fine.”

“Mamma's asleep?”

“Yes,” she whined. To be fair, she'd already told him that. He was being a bit irrational, pacing around the bathroom waiting for a proper moment to return to the auditorium to lend his support for Vilde per Sana's request.

“Okay. Okay, I'm sorry, shit, I know I'm annoying, I just worry about you.”

“You shouldn't,” Lea said.

“Most people don't leave eight-year-olds home alone, you know,” Isak said.

“I'm not alone.”

Isak rolled his eyes. His mother would be very little help should someone abduct his sister. Isak didn't want to think about that; the thought alone made his heart rate increase and pushed him dangerously close to fleeing back home.

But he calmed himself. Nothing would happen to Lea. She'd been home alone before. They lived in a safe neighborhood. She knew to keep the doors locked and curtains closed and not to answer the phone unless the caller ID was Isak or Ann.

“Okay, baby girl,” he said. “I'm just looking out.”

The door to the bathroom crashed open so hard Isak jumped as he turned around. Lea was saying something about getting a dog so that Isak would stop worrying, but Isak was going cold with the sight of Even in front of him.

“Lea.” She kept talking. She wanted to name this hypothetical guard dog Reginald. That was an argument for a different time. “Lea! I've got to go, okay?”

“Why?”

Isak turned away from the door, lowering his voice. “You were all mad at me for calling before, now you don't want me to hang up?”

“Well you freaked me out with all your crazy talk,” Lea retorted.

“I'm sorry. You're fine, I'll be home by six. I'll bring dinner. Call me if you need anything.”

“Okay,” she said. “Love you, Issy.”

“Love you, too.” He put his phone in his pocket and turned back around. Even wasn't doing anything but standing there, staring at him. Isak couldn't tell if he'd come into the restroom because of Isak or in spite of him, or even if he'd known that Isak was there at all.

“Why are you here?” Isak finally asked. It seemed to be his favorite question to Even, because why _was_ he here? Why was he always fucking everywhere?

“Sana's the only person I know here,” Even said. “She asked me to come, so I did.”

Isak nodded. That was probably the most civil thing exchanged between the two of them, and Isak thought it'd be smart to leave now. He didn't _want_ to hate Even. Even usually said things that didn't give him a choice, though.

“Are they done with the... love exercise?” Isak asked.

“Don't do this, Isak.”

Isak felt himself freeze up again. “Fuck you.”

Even's eyes fucking _sparkled_ as he said, “Oh, you already have.”

His breath caught and his fingers went numb. He couldn't say anything.

There was nothing to say.

Even left first, without giving any reason for his entrance into the bathroom in the first place. Isak sat against the wall with his head between his knees and tried to breathe.

It had fucked up everything. And Isak had to live with it, now.

It was all he could do.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow ya'll are so amazing i'm so glad people are excited for this because so am i! i'm really having a lot of fun writing this!  
> thanks for all your sweet comments <3 you are all sooo amazing :)  
> not proofread :/ sorry loves <3

**I**

Isak was working ahead in his classes, because the weekends were the only times he had to do homework. So he was at the kitchen table Sunday night, phone playing music softly so he wouldn't disturb his mom and sister sleeping upstairs.

The knob to the front door twisted and caught, and Isak looked up with wide eyes.

It was eleven o'clock. And someone was trying to get into his locked home.

Fuck.

For all the shit he gave Lea about being careful, he never really thought someone would try to break into the house.

He waited for it to stop. It did, for a minute, and then it started again. Rattling as the doorknob turned only a fraction of the way around. After the third failed attempt, there was a loud knocking on the door, and fuck.

A burglar/rapist/murderer wouldn't knock on a locked door, but his father sure would.

“What is wrong with you!” Isak hissed as he pulled the door open. His father had apparently been leaning heavily on the door, because when it swung inwards he stumbled in with it. He reeked of alcohol and sweat and Isak wished he'd just stayed away, wherever he'd been for the last three weeks.

“Isak!” he said. His voice broke the silence of the house in a shattering way.

“Shut up!” Isak said, closing and locking the door.

“Where's my girl?” his dad slurred, stumbling further into the house.

“She's asleep, Dad, it's the middle of the night! Be quiet so she doesn't wake up, I know you don't want her to see you like this. You look pathetic.” He went to gather his homework up and put it back into his backpack. It wouldn't get done tonight. Tonight, as much as he didn't want to, he was taking care of his father. “Mamma's asleep, too, so you're sleeping down here.”

“Down here,” his dad repeated, expressionlessly, leaning on the kitchen counter to support himself.

“Wait here,” Isak said. “And be quiet.” He went to a closet, pulling down sheets and a blanket, and started setting up the couch as his father watched him.

“Isak,” he said. “I'm back now. For good this time.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Isak said. He fished a throw pillow from the armchair and threw it at the head of the couch. “There. Sleep.”

As his dad was stumbling to the living room, Isak filled a glass with water and got aspirin from the top shelf of the medicine cabinet where Lea couldn't reach it, dumping two into his palm.

“Are you gonna be okay down here?” Isak asked, setting the water and aspirin on the side table. His dad was already half asleep beneath the blanket, but he nodded. “Good. Stay down here. Don't try to go up to Mamma's room if you wake up in the middle of the night. You'll wake her up. Okay?” He nodded again. As Isak was about to walk away, he added, “And sleep on your side so you don't choke on your vomit.”

He checked on both Lea and his mother when he got upstairs, to make sure neither woke up with the unpleasant arrival of his dad. When he was in his room, he closed the door. Why was everything such a fucking disaster? Why couldn't anything, just one thing, be normal?

The window next to his bed showed stars and city lights. He watched them as he closed his eyes.

Everything was so fucked up. His mom was fucked up, his dad was fucked up. He was fucked up, certainly, and Lea would be as soon as she was old enough to understand that everyone around her was, too.

He was just so tired. But if he gave his life a rest, then what would happen to his sister? His mother? If he stopped, if he did anything to make him less tired, then nothing would be done. If he didn't do the dishes, if he didn't make dinner, if he didn't go shopping, then no one would.

So this was how it was, now.

And as much as it exhausted him to his core, he would just have to go with it. It was the only option.

  
**II**

“Didn't you come over here to study?” Sana said, sitting in a chair in her room with her textbook open on her lap.

Isak was laying on his back on her bed, head hanging upside-down off the edge. “That was just an excuse.”

“Of course it was.” She closed her textbook. “What's up, Isak?”

“Nothing,” he answered. “I just wanted some of your mom's leftovers.”

“Okay, well, you had some of that,” she said. “And you're still here. So let's talk.”

“He cornered me in the bathroom,” he said, rolling onto his stomach and setting his chin in his hands, face flushed with the blood that'd rushed into it when he was upside-down. He propped his chin on his hands to look at her. “After Vilde's fucking kosegruppa? Or... during it, I guess. I left pretty early. Sorry.”

She shrugged and waved him off so he'd continue.

“I was in the bathroom. Calling my sister and avoiding the love exercise, and he came in.” He shrugged. “Nothing happened. He only said, like, one thing. But I don't get why he has to keep bringing it up. Why can't he let it go?”

“You know it hurt him, too, Isak,” Sana said, and, yeah, she'd told him that before, but she was restricted to the facts that only Isak had told her. She wasn't the kind of person to betray trust, even if it'd clear the air between them. So she sat in silence, unable to further explain his reasons, and Isak had to wonder what he was missing.

“I know. I know you say he's a good guy, Sana, and he looks like he is, to everyone except me, and I just... I don't understand. It doesn't make sense, why he hates me when he's... when he's good to everyone else. Because he's the one....” He cut himself off and looked at Sana, and she knew what was coming next and he knew the look on her face. When her eyebrows pressed together with that crease in the middle, he knew she felt sorry. Sana wasn't one to pity, but she could empathize better than anyone he knew. “He's the one that went back to her,” Isak finished, casting his eyes down, voice falling.

Sana always seemed so desperate to explain, but, restricted by loyalty, she told him, “It's not that simple.”

“I know,” he said, nodding, because he did. He understood, and he got it, and he _knew,_ better than anyone else he knew. “I know, I get that. But it wasn't easy for me, either, and watching him....” He shook his head and breathed out and said, “Watching him go back to her was a lot harder than anything else.”

“He's been with Sonja for four years,” Sana said. “There are a lot of things you just... you can't understand, without knowing the whole story. Okay? She's safe for him. She always has been.”

Isak hated how weak his voice was when he said, “He told me he broke up with her.”

“I know,” Sana said. She sounded genuinely sad for him, and as the only person who knew the truth about him, he thought she had a good reason to.

“But he didn't,” Isak said, voice still quiet and eyes on his hands in his lap. “He lied to me, made me feel so fucking stupid, and then he went back to her.” He shook his head. “I don't care that he's with his girlfriend. I don't care that he likes girls, it doesn't... it doesn't matter. It's that he.... I told him, Sana, and I gave him everything, and he lied to me and he left.” He looked up at her and she was watching him in that way she did. Looking sad and wishing she could fix it, looking like she wanted to save him. From himself, more than anything else.

“I know, Isak, and I'm sorry,” she said. “I'm... I'm really sorry, you _know_ I am, but it's not as simple as that and you have to understand that.”

“I want to,” he said. Of course he wanted a reason other than, _You're just not good enough._ Of course he wanted to be told that there was something bigger going on, not that he was a mistake. “But if he's not gonna give me that, then I can't deal with his... fucking reminders. Okay? All I'm asking from him is to leave me alone. I don't want an apology, I don't want anything. I'm not asking for anything except that he doesn't tell. So why does he have to... torment me? I don't get it. I don't get why I can't put it behind me, why he won't let me.”

“Look, Isak, I understand,” she said. “I really do. And I'll talk to Even. But I really _really_ think you two should talk. Even's not a bad guy. I wouldn't be friends with him if he was an asshole to my friends for no reason. He has his reasons.”

“I don't care about his reasons,” he said. “I just want to move past it.”

They fell into silence, and then started talking about other things, and then it was time for Isak to go pick Lea up from Ann's house, so he put on his jacket and went downstairs with Sana.

“We'll study for the test next week? Library at school?” Sana asked as they reached the bottom of the stairs, but Isak was looking into the living room at Even sitting with Sana's brother and looking back at him.

Elias noticed his friend's distraction and turned his head over the back of the couch. He smiled brightly. “Hey, Isak.”

“Hi,” Isak said, attempting a smile but losing eye contact as he glanced at Even beside him.

“How's everything?” he asked.

“Alright. Um, just studying.”

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” Elias asked. He clearly still didn't know about everything that had gone down. Sana was still the only person outside the two of them who knew.

“No, thanks,” Isak said. “My sister's waiting.”

“Lea?” he asked excitedly. “Oh, shit, how's she? She's just the cutest, oh man.”

Isak breathed out a laugh, still feeling uncomfortable. He didn't want Even to know about his fucked up family. He didn't want Even to have more ammunition against him. Then again, Sana and Elias didn't know that his family was as messed up as it was. Jonas was the only one outside of the Valtersen house who did.

“She's good,” he said. “Doing well in her classes. She just turned eight. But a friend is watching her, so I should go get her. It was nice seeing you,” he said, nodding to Elias, before turning to Sana and raising his eyebrows. “See you, girl.”

She gave him a dimpled smile. “Bye Isabell,” she said, and he left to catch his breath outside.

  
**III**

“That's not how I showed you,” Isak said, watching Lea roll up a clean shirt in a wrinkled ball.

“Your way is boring,” she answered matter of factly, setting her balled-up shirt carefully to the side. Isak picked it up, shook it out, and refolded it the right way.

“You're a difficult child,” he said.

She shrugged instead of arguing, finding a dryer sheet in the laundry basket and beginning to pull it apart.

“You're also not very helpful,” Isak added.

“That's okay,” she said, and he smiled. “I have you, so I don't need to know how to do this.”

“You don't want to be able to help your big brother out when he needs it?” Isak asked.

“Not really.”

The door opened and Isak and Lea both looked towards it. Their dad was home on time today. “Hi, kids,” he said. “How was school?”

“Good,” Lea said carefully. Her father was basically a stranger to her. For most of her remembered life, she'd been without him for weeks at a time. Isak glanced at her, then at his dad to say, “Can you make dinner? We haven't eaten yet.”

“Sure,” he said, as eager to please as he always was upon his return. He wanted to be back in his kids' favor, now and every time before. “What would you like?”

“Something Isak can't make,” Lea said. That was most things; Isak's kitchen skills were mostly restricted to sandwiches and pasta.

“I think there's some chicken in the freezer,” Isak said. “You can make something with that.”

“Yeah, great,” his dad said, moving into the kitchen, dressed in his suit from work. “I'll make that chicken dish that Mamma likes.”

“Mamma hasn't been eating anything but junk food,” Isak said. “I doubt she'll let you feed her.” He finished folding the last pair of jeans and piled everything back in the laundry basket. “Go put your clothes away, Lea,” he said, handing her a neat pile of folded clothes. “Don't drop them.”

She nodded and held the clothes with intense concentration as she made her way to the staircase. Isak stood up from the floor and met his dad in the kitchen. “How long are you back for?”

“I don't know,” he answered quietly, not looking up from the vegetables he was chopping as the chicken defrosted. Isak didn't point out that he'd said that he was back to stay, when he'd reappeared on Sunday night. He'd known that was bullshit as soon as he heard it.

“Okay,” Isak said. He waited before saying the next thing, because he wouldn't know if he meant it until it was spoken aloud. “You know... it hurts everyone more when you come back.”

His father didn't look up. The knife didn't stop working. It would have been as if he hadn't spoken at all, if not for the heavy tension that fell.

So Isak didn't bring it up again. He went upstairs, where Lea was sitting on his bed and kicking her legs. “Play Legos with me,” she demanded upon his entrance, and he shrugged and followed her into her bedroom.

“What are we building?” he asked, sitting cross-legged on the floor.

“A zoo,” she said dreamily, walking a tiny stuffed giraffe across the carpet.

“That's exciting,” Isak said. “What kind of animals do we have in this zoo?”

“Well,” she said, picking carefully through the tub of toys. “There's the giraffe. And the dog and cat. And....” She pulled out an animal and turned it over in her hands a few times before saying, “A lion,” in a broken voice.

“What's wrong?” he asked, touching under her chin so she would look up at him.

“Mamma said the flood's coming.”

Isak shook his head. “You know that's not true, Lea,” he said, brushing her hair out of her face. “She doesn't mean what she says.”

“I know,” she said. Her bottom lip was trembling. It broke Isak's heart. “But she's finally talking again and that's all she can say to me.”

“You can't listen to what Mamma says, Lea,” he said, pulling her into a hug. “I know it's hard, and I know it sucks, but she doesn't know what she's saying.”

“Why not?” she said, pushing him away and looking angry. “Why doesn't she make any sense? I don't understand, I don't get it.”

“I know--”

“Everyone else's mom is normal!” she said.

“Lea,” he said, letting her fall back into his chest. “Everything's fine. You don't need a normal mom, because you've got me, okay, and I'm staying here, I'm not going anywhere. One day we'll figure out a way to help Mamma, but until then, I don't want you worrying about it. Leave that to me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He put a stuffed panda in her hand. “Here, start building, I'll be back in a minute.”

“Okay,” she said, stacking some Legos together as Isak stood up and tousled her hair on his way out. He opened the door to his mom's room. “Hey, Mamma, are you up?”

“Yes,” she said, moving under the covers. It was the first thing he'd heard out of her in weeks.

“Lea said you've been talking,” he said, sitting on the edge of her bed. “How are you feeling?”

“The flood's coming,” she said, looking up at him.

“Why do you think that?” Isak asked.

“They told me.”

He never asked who, “They,” was. Not anymore. She was the only one who knew, and she didn't know how to explain it.

“Dad's making dinner,” he said. “Do you want me to bring you a plate?”

She stared at him, and then nodded. “Okay.”

He gave her a smile. “Alright. That's great, Mamma.”

“I don't want him in here.”

Isak shook his head. “No, he's staying on the couch. Don't worry.”

“Make sure that Lea's with you,” she said, eyes wide. “When the flood comes. I know she'll want to be with you when it happens.”

“Okay,” he said, smiling tightly. “Whatever you want.”

  
**IV**

Isak was kept back by his math professor because of a tanked test. When asked _why_ he'd done so badly in a class he was getting a six in, he just stood there quietly. He couldn't explain the shitshow that his life had become over the past week, with his mother emerging from depression and his father returning home. He hadn't had time to study, but he just asked if he could retake it and set up an appointment for before school on Friday.

So he was late to lunch, and when he got to the cafeteria, the table that the boys were at had an extra occupant standing next to Jonas's chair, smiling as they talked.

Even was everywhere. Even here.

Isak had already been spotted by Mahdi, so he made his slow way over and sat down between Jonas and Magnus.

“Hey, man, why so late?” Jonas asked, tearing his attention from Even, who was watching Isak.

Isak, well aware that he looked like shit, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep, said, “Failed a math test. The teacher made me stay back.”

“You never fail,” Magnus said.

“Yeah, well, I did this time,” he said with a shrug, tearing at the bun on his plate in front of him.

“Oh, dude,” Jonas said. “This is Even. The Bakka transfer.”

Isak lifted his eyes to Even's and managed a halfhearted smile. “Hey.”

“We actually know each other,” Even said, and Isak could swear that his heart stopped. “I'm good friends with Sana's brother, so we see each other at their house sometimes.”

_Fuck you_. If they'd been alone he knew Even would be smirking. Sneering. Whatever fine line drew the difference, Isak didn't recognize. He just knew that Even hadn't smiled kindly at him since it all happened when he was sixteen.

“Oh, cool, bro,” Jonas said. “He was just telling us about Nas, you listen to him, right, Isak?”

Isak studiously avoided looking at Even when he said, “Not so much anymore.”

Jonas could tell something was wrong with him. Isak knew that Jonas knew. But instead of saying anything, he turned back to Even and said, cheerfully, “Well pull up a chair.”

Isak was staring at the table but he heard Even scrape a chair across the tiled floor without protest, settling between Jonas and Mahdi. Why couldn't anything stop? He wanted the world to stop turning, just for a day. So he could sleep without missing all the things that needed his attention. He just wanted to fucking sleep.

Isak tuned out the conversation. He made himself forget that Even was there, talking about something he couldn't hear with his friends. He tried to forget that he was in the cafeteria at all. He put his cheek on his palm, propped up on his elbow, and tried to keep his eyes open until he couldn't anymore, and when he was half asleep Jonas hit him and he startled awake.

“Dude,” Jonas said, and Isak hated the concern in his eyes. Because he knew that he was someone that others needed to be concerned for, and he wished he wasn't.

“What?” Isak said. Stupid thing to say. Denying what was clearly right in front of everyone else's eyes wouldn't get him out of anything. “I'm fine.”

“How's your mom?”

“Jonas,” Isak said, darting a look at Even, over Jonas's shoulder, and avoiding the glances from Magnus and Mahdi.

“Well you're clearly not sleeping--”

“Can we talk about this another time, please?” Isak asked pointedly. No one else knew. And despite how much he loved Mahdi and Magnus, he didn't _want_ anyone else to know. Especially not Even. “I'm gonna go to the library.” He pushed his chair back and stood up, gathering his tray to throw away the food he'd bought.

“You didn't eat anything,” Mahdi said.

“Not hungry. You want it?”

Everyone shook their heads slowly, furrowing their eyebrows at him, except Even, who was actually looking at him like he was a person instead of just something undesirable that he would rather not be around. This wasn't what he wanted, he didn't want pity, but if it got Even to leave him alone, then he'd take it.

“Okay, I'll see you later,” he said.

“I'll call you tonight,” Jonas warned.

Isak resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He just nodded, and slung a strap of his backpack over his shoulder. He didn't like it when people worried about him. There were bigger things to worry about.

He didn't miss Even's expression as he left, though. And he didn't know what to make of it; it was something he'd never seen before. Different from the smiles they used to share, different than the looks he sent him now. He didn't know what it was. He didn't know if he wanted to.

  
**V**

“In the future,” Isak said, “don't ask about my mom in the middle of the cafeteria while a stranger's sitting at the table.”

“It's kind of my only choice, if I want any kind of timely answer,” Jonas said. “Because I asked you about it on Wednesday and it's Saturday now, and I haven't gotten an answer.”

“I don't know what you want me to say, Jonas,” Isak said. “I'm sitting with you on a park bench because I don't want to go home. You know everything sucks. That's not changing.”

“Is Lea okay?”

He shrugged, lifting his coffee to his lips. “Yeah, she's fine. My mom keeps freaking her out, though.”

“How?”

“She keeps talking about the flood,” Isak said. “I don't know. She's been kind of fixated on it for the last few days. And at first Lea was fine—like, she knew it was just my mom saying a bunch of bullshit. But now since she hasn't stopped talking about it, Lea's all scared that she's going crazy.”

“And your dad?” Jonas asked, yellow beanie pulled over wild curls. “Everything okay there?”

Isak shook his head. “When is anything ever okay there?”

“But he came back, right? I mean, he's back now?”

“Yeah, he's back,” Isak said. “I don't know exactly how... how great that is. Sometimes I wish that he would just stay away. It's hard, but it's almost harder when he comes back from being gone, knowing that he's leaving again. I don't know. I could get used to him being gone, if he was gone for long enough to _let_ me get used to it.” He looked across the park. “Or if he would just stay. Stop leaving. That would be ideal.”

“Do you think he will?”

“Every time he comes back drunk he says it's the last time and it never is. So, no. He'll never stay. But I don't know if he'll ever leave for good, either.”

“Does your mom like having him back?”

Isak scoffed. “No. No fucking way. Half the time she thinks he's a stranger. It only makes it harder. He says he comes back to help, but Lea doesn't want to be alone around him and Mamma won't let him touch her, so it's still just me, but they're both all wound up all the time, and my dad's mad at me for being there.”

“Mad that they don't want him?” Jonas asked.

“It feels like that,” Isak answered. “But I don't know. He doesn't say anything, ever.”

“I'm sorry, man,” Jonas said. “If you ever need a place to stay, you know my mom loves you.”

Isak smiled. “I know.”

Jonas bumped their shoulders together and they both looked out over the landscape.

And it'd be so easy.

To say those words he hadn't said to anyone. To have Jonas know what only two other people in the world know. To finally come clean about the other thing that was paining him, the thing that wasn't his family, the thing that was torturing him and hanging over his head.

But he didn't know how to start, and he didn't know how Jonas would react, so he didn't say anything.

Even had once been someone he could talk to about this. Even if he'd never said it outright, even if it was mostly speculation on both of their parts.

And he did miss it. Missed having someone like him. Someone to talk to. But more than he missed it, he resented it. Why had someone made him feel so open and then give him reason to believe he was wrong in all of that? Why did the person he trusted with this desperate secret want nothing to do with him anymore, and not only want nothing to do with him, but hate him with fervor?

If there was nothing wrong with being this way, then why was he so thoroughly punished in result of it?

Nothing good had come from being with Even. His life hadn't changed for the better. He hadn't had some epiphany and instantaneously accepted himself. Mostly because he didn't have time to think of the good, since Even disappeared and brought in the bad to such a high degree that Isak couldn't think of anything but the consequences for his actions: being left again by someone he thought wouldn't leave.

But, hey, it was his life. People left, didn't they? Why did he expect Even to be different?

So he didn't tell Jonas. They finished their coffees and they both walked to Ann's house and Lea hugged Jonas with high giggles and made him carry her on his back to the house.

It was fine. It wasn't the time for it, and that was fine.

  
**VI**

The park wasn't really the place he thought he'd see Even again.

Lea was drinking hot chocolate as they walked around, free hand shoved in her purple jacket's pocket. She didn't hold Isak's hand anymore. He didn't remember when that happened.

She stopped every passing person with a dog by not asking but kneeling in the path of the person and wrapping her arms around the dog's neck. Isak sent apologetic smiles to the owners and hissed, “Lea, don't be rude,” after which she would dutifully recite, “May I pet your dog, please?”

It wasn't a problem until she was shoving her hot chocolate into Isak's hand and diving for the one of the biggest dogs he had ever seen.

“Lea!” He looked up to the owner to apologize, but was met with Even, and couldn't say anything.

“He doesn't bite,” Even said after a moment, emotionlessly. “If that's what you're worried about.”

He grabbed Lea's hand and pulled her away from the dog and Even without saying anything.

“Ow—Isak!” she cried, stumbling after him. When they were a sufficient distance past Even, he stopped, released her, and handed her the drink back. “What was that for?”

“I told you to ask before you pet them, Lea,” he said, a hand on her back to urge her forward.

“But he said it was okay.”

“After you already touched the dog, though,” Isak said. “What if that wasn't a friendly dog? Huh? What if he was some traumatized dog that bit at people who hugged him? You wouldn't know, because you didn't ask, and you would've gotten hurt.”

“You're being mean!” she said, pulling away from him and stopping dead on the path with her fist clenched at her side. “You don't have to be mad at me because I messed up!”

“I'm not mad at you, Lea, I'm just....” He stopped, because he sounded mad, and let out an easing breath. “I'm just frustrated, baby girl. That you're not listening. Because what if I'm not around? What if dogs aren't always nice? You need to listen. Okay? Just... just listen to me. Please.”

She was clearly unaware of how little she really had to do in her outburst. It was just everything from all that had happened, and it was coming out at her. She was thinking she'd done something really wrong. She was angry and scared that this wasn't something to be forgiven for.

And that wasn't the case. He was just... tired. Filled up with emotion and confusion.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pulled you away like that. Okay, I'm not mad.” He put his hand on her head and smoothed down her straight hair. “I promise I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you.”

“I just wanted to pet the dog,” she said sadly, kicking at a pebble on the ground.

“I know, baby girl, but you have to be safe. Okay? Promise me you'll be safe?”

When they started walking again, he looked over his shoulder. Even was still standing in his place on the side of the path, faced away from Isak, letting his dog sniff a metal trash can. But he was close enough that Isak feared he'd heard, so he took Lea's hand and walked them away before saying anything else, even though it ended up being, “Is the ATM a robot or is there a person behind it?”

“It's a robot,” he answered absently.

He didn't believe in signs of the universe. Not in God or fate or anything. So seeing Even meant nothing more than the feeling of the stake in his consciousness, the knowledge that he'd messed up, that he'd live with the repercussions of that mistake.

It was nothing more than that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me in the comments or on tumblr! i love hearing what you guys think of the story, it helps motivate me to get the chapters out quick for ya'll <3  
> i'll try to update this as quickly as i did with half blade and half silk, but no promises (it's kind of a more complicated story to write). i'll post any delays on my tumblr, though! (@supermansplaining)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for your kudos and comments they really make me so happy. you're all so wonderful <3  
> i know things are rough right now but i hope that doesn't put people too off :)  
> not proofread so i'm sorry for any mistakes <3  
> EDIT:  
> I know that there's a lot of family stuff when a lot of you are probably here for the isak/even stuff, but it's important to me that i develop a character independent of the boy he likes, make him someone more than just half of a whole :) if you want to skip over it i'm totally not offended, if you're here for the isak/even storyline, but just know that my fics might not be perfect for you, i tend to go into a lot of detail about other things :) thank you all so much for your support <3

**I**

“She's so hot, man,” Magnus said, laying on his back on Jonas's bed.

“Yeah,” Mahdi agreed from the spinning desk chair. “She is.” He rolled the chair towards Magnus to take the joint and take a hit.

Isak was on his back on the bedroom floor, staring at the ceiling. The boys hadn't let up talking about girls in the two hours he'd been there.

He wished he could relate. He really did. He wished he was normal and he wished he had stories that he liked to retell like the other boys did.

He had stories. There'd been girls, before Even and after him, but they were drunken hookups that Isak didn't think about. In the moment itself he hadn't been thinking about it. Before Even he'd cleared his mind and left his body. After Even, he thought about Even, until that was too much. He had only been with two girls after everything that happened. It was too much, when he opened his eyes and it wasn't Even, so he stopped. Stopped going to parties, stopped kissing girls just to prove a point, stopped disappearing into bedrooms just so no one would get suspicious. There were more important things to worry about, things that he could use as excuses even when they weren't a direct problem. _My sister needs me. My mom's stressed. My dad's gone again._ He would report this to Jonas, and Jonas would back up his absence to the boys and girls without giving too much away.

His life was so... divided. No one knew about his family but Jonas, and no one knew about Even but Sana, and to everyone else he was a closed off, seemingly normal kid. No one knew everything. Most people didn't know anything about him, or that anything was wrong with him, and that was okay. It was how he coped with everything. _It's okay._

It was a lie, but it worked for a few moments at a time.

“She was talking to me the whole time,” Jonas was saying. “Like, telling me it felt good and stuff. It was hot.”

Since befriending Sana he was finding it harder and harder to be with the boys. Sana didn't want to talk about the things the boys talked about. She didn't mention sex and parties and girls. They talked about their friends, or school, or played Would You Rather as they sat in her bedroom. Nothing compared to that, especially not lying on Jonas's bedroom floor as he listened to them talk about every sexual conquest they'd ever had for the millionth time.

He couldn't share. Sometimes he'd throw in a halfhearted agreement, or make a noise to acknowledge that he was listening even if he wasn't. But he couldn't talk about these girls he used, and he couldn't talk about Even, even though sometimes he felt like he desperately needed to.

He was offered the joint but waved it off. He needed to be as sober as possible when he went to Ann's to get Lea, and he definitely wasn't anywhere close.

Sana: _Want to come over tomorrow?_

Isak: _To study or to chill?_

Sana: _To study and then chill_

Isak: _Sounds good gurl ;)_

Sana: _Sometimes I hate you_

Isak: _That makes sense._

He put his phone face down on his chest and stared back at the ceiling. The conversation had moved to finding the clitoris or something. Something about female anatomy. Something that Isak neither wanted to hear nor talk about. What else was new.

Would anything actually change, though, if he told? Would they stop talking so much about girls, would they ask him about boys, would they want to know anything about what he wanted to talk about? Would they even accept him in the first place?

He rolled onto his stomach and put his chin on his folded arms, looking at Jonas sitting against the wall with his legs straight in front of him and Mahdi in the desk chair.

“Dominatrix,” Magnus said. “I mean, it was just a dream, but it'd be hot, right?”

“With Vilde?” Mahdi asked.

“Vilde's hot,” Magnus said almost defensively.

“Yeah, she's hot, but her personality's a little... bad,” Mahdi said.

Isak could understand that. Everything Sana had told him about her friends, about Vilde especially, made him resent the girl. She'd never done anything to Isak personally except be mildly annoying, but she didn't treat her friends in any way Isak would. He certainly didn't want to picture her as a dominatrix, but that was probably lack of attraction for a different reason.

The boys only ever had conversations that Isak couldn't participate in genuinely. Even so, at least they were having conversations with him. If he told, they could stop altogether.

Fuck this. Fuck the thoughts and the self-doubt. No one was making him come out when he couldn't even say the goddamn word to himself. He could be happy in the closet. Content, at the least. Kept busy with every other part of his life derailing, he probably wouldn't have much time to mull over the choice. And that was fine, because he didn't want to have to think.

  
**II**

“Where are you going?”

Isak turned around from where he was about to exit the front door. “What?”

“Where are you going?” his father repeated from the entrance to the hallway.

“To study,” Isak answered.

“Without telling anyone you were going?”

Isak laughed. “What? Seriously? You're gonna talk to me about that? You leave every two weeks without telling anyone shit!”

“You have to tell me when you're going somewhere, Isak, I worry about you. You have to ask permission. What about Mamma, she's not well right now, you know that.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Isak asked, dropping his hand from where it'd sat on the doorknob. “That's not my job! I'm seventeen, my job is to go to school, and study, and... and, Jesus, Dad, I'm left alone with Mamma and Lea for weeks at a time, can't you watch her for two hours?”

“You can't just leave whenever you want,” his dad said. “You can't just take off, because you're a child. Something could happen. I need to know where you are.”

Isak's laugh was humorless and mean. “I can't believe this. You're trying to act like a fucking father right now?”

“Watch your language.”

“Fuck you.”

His father was in front of him in no time and Isak hit his head on the door behind him as he took rushed steps back at his intrusion. He felt Terje's breath on his face and his heart sped up as he looked at his dad with wide eyes.

“Don't be disrespectful,” Terje said, face to face with Isak and only inches away, crowding him against the door.

“You don't deserve my respect,” Isak said, but his voice came out forced and shaking.

“I'm still your dad.”

Isak struggled to find a way out of the corner he was shoved in, but he couldn't. So he looked into his father's eyes and tried to seem strong. Seem brave. “What are you gonna do, Dad? Hit me? Because then you'd really be fucking father of the year.”

His eyes went wide and he dropped his hands to his side instead of at either side of Isak's shoulders. When Terje took a step back, Isak picked up the backpack he'd dropped and set a hand back on the doorknob. He pretended like he hadn't been shaken and scared. He pretended he was stronger than he was. He pretended that he could handle this.

“You don't get to step back into my life whenever you want and expect to be in charge of me,” he said, shrugging the backpack onto one shoulder, trying to act like his hands weren't still shaking. “We both know you're only killing time until you get to leave again. And you obviously don't know how much fucking damage that does.” He twisted the doorknob and pulled the door open. “I'm going out, and I'll pick Lea up on my way home. You don't get to act like I mean anything to you just so you look like a responsible dad. You don't get to say anything about this.”

He left the house and closed the door too hard behind him.

About halfway to Sana's house, he wiped tears from his eyes.

Everything was such a fucking mess.

He couldn't remember the times, anymore, when his family was normal. He didn't remember if it ever had been. He knew what it was like to pry kitchen knives from his mother's hands, and how to tuck his father into bed when he smelled of beer and vomit and body odor, but had he ever crawled into his parents' bed to be comforted after a nightmare, or had an A plus taped to the refrigerator door?

His life had never been easy, and it was only getting more difficult. His mom was getting worse, his dad was leaving more, his sister was getting older, and Isak had done what he'd thought would help free him, but what broke him instead.

He was a mess when he showed up at Sana's, and, had he recognized how close he was with tears drying on his cheeks, he would have taken a detour and composed himself. But he was ringing the doorbell out of habit, feet having carried him there without thought, and now when he was back in his own mind, it was too late, because the door was swinging open.

If he didn't know how to explain this to Sana—she had seen him cry before, yes, but it wasn't over his family and he didn't want her to know about it—then he certainly wasn't prepared to see Even standing in the doorway, looking lost as he stared down at Isak.

They looked at each other for a moment. Even clearly didn't know how to react to this—his expression was scared, as if he'd been handed a lit fuse, and that overrode any dislike in the moment. Isak just watched him wide eyes, without wiping at his face so as not to draw more attention to the fact that he was thoroughly uncomfortable.

“Are you....” Even didn't finish the thought. He just stopped talking and kept staring, until Isak pushed past him to get inside, shutting himself in the bathroom instantly and breathing deep with his hands braced on the sink. His cheeks were red and his eyes puffy and he looked like shit, absolutely, but it wouldn't have mattered if Even hadn't seen him. He could have dealt with Sana opening the door on him looking like that, or even Elias, or either of their parents. He could have been fine.

But Even was seeing him as nothing but weak. Even, who had broken him, was seeing the results of it, and Isak hated that more than anything.

Even had made it clear to him that he wasn't good enough. He'd shown him what he didn't need to be told, what he'd known since his childhood: that he was wrong for wanting and for taking. He knew. He was facing the consequences. Why did Even have to witness it?

He wet his face and glanced at himself once more in the mirror before leaving the bathroom. Even was sitting in a kitchen chair with a glass of water in front of him, and he looked up when Isak entered.

“Is....” Isak cleared his throat. “Is Sana here?”

“She and Elias went out to get food,” Even said. “She said they'd be back soon.”

Isak nodded and went to turn to the living room to wait.

“Isak?”

He didn't want to turn back around. But he was tired of all of this, so tired. What else could Even say that would hurt more? His exhaustion was evident, his mentality was worn down, he was prepared for the jab that Even would throw. He didn't care, not now. So he turned back.

“I didn't know you were coming,” Even said, instead of any of the other things Isak was expecting. “I wouldn't have... I didn't know that you'd be....” He stopped, looked out the window, swallowed, and said, “I didn't mean to see you upset.”

Isak could only stand there staring at him for a moment as Even kept his gaze out the window. He'd expected harsh comments about the tears, something about their shared past. Not an apology.

When Even looked back at him in the silence, Isak just nodded once and turned away, and they didn't speak again.

**  
III**

She was throwing things upstairs.

Isak knew better than to go up there. In times like this, she sometimes didn't even recognize him. He'd been hit by a flying picture frame before, leaving a gash on his forehead that was still visible in the right light. She wasn't a violent woman, usually. She loved her children and would never intentionally hurt them, and if she found out later that she had she would be inconsolable.

But when she was like this, she was without control. It was easier when she was holed up in her room instead of running through the house, but it wasn't _easy_. She was angry and scared and tired, something had triggered something else, and she was up destroying her room. Isak didn't fight it. He let her do it. She was upset about something, and he wasn't going to tell her not to be, because he wasn't in her head, he didn't know what she was feeling, what she was scared of. So he'd wait it out like he always did. He only interfered when she was being violent; when she'd come at his father with a knife, when she'd tried to take all the aspirin in the bottle, when she'd tried to break windows with a baseball bat.

Lea flinched with every noise from upstairs.

“Don't be scared,” Isak said, arm around her shoulders. “Don't worry. I've got you.”

“I'm not scared.”

“You're not?”

“I've never been scared.”

“Brave girl,” he said with a smile, kissing the top of her head. Another crash and he turned the volume of the TV up, some cartoon on that he'd watched as a child that Lea watched now. “You don't have to worry about Mamma, okay? She might mess some things up and make some noise but she'll never hurt you. She loves the shit out of you.”

“She loves you, too, but she hit you and made you bleed,” Lea said.

“Well, yeah, but that's because I didn't have a big brother looking out for me,” Isak said, pulling her close. “You do. So you'll be just fine. You'll be great.”

“How can she love you if she hurts you?” Lea asked.

“It's not that easy, Lea. It's not black and white. When she hurt me she didn't know what she was doing.”

“So because it's not on purpose it's okay?”

He sighed and thought about how to explain this. He wanted her to know. He wanted her to love her own mother, and not be afraid of her. “It wasn't okay that I was hurt. That, by itself, was bad. But Mamma didn't mean to hurt me. She wasn't in her right mind, and that made it, basically, an accident. You understand? Mamma can't be to blame for what happened, can she? She didn't know that she was doing it until after it happened. I know it's hard to understand, but she would never ever want to hurt either one of us. If she wasn't sick, she never would. But she is sick, so she did, and I learned how to handle her from it. Okay? The point is that I don't want you to worry about being hurt by her, and I don't want you to be afraid of her. And I don't want you to stop loving her, because she loves you more than anything. Just know that anytime you get scared, I'm here. Even if someone wants to hurt you, they won't be able to.”

She whispered her, “Okay,” as she settled deeper into his side.

In an hour and a half his mother was calming. The crashing had slowed and the movements were dragging and tired. So Isak eased out from beside Lea on the couch and went upstairs.

He knocked first. “Mamma? It's Isak. Can I come in?”

“Isak?”

“Yeah, Mamma.”

“You swear it's you?”

“Yeah, I swear, want me to open the door so you can look? I'll be real slow, I promise.”

There was a long pause. “Okay.”

He pushed the door open and stood there with his arms half out to his sides so that she could see him. She was wearing pajama pants and one of her husband's shirts buttoned incorrectly. Her hair was wild and her eyes were dark with lack of sleep. “Can I come in?”

She nodded, holding a vase in her hand, as Isak walked slowly in. The room was destroyed. Everything on the tabletops were on the floor. Paint had been chipped from the walls. There was some broken glass that he'd have to clean up once she was safely in bed.

“How are you feeling?” Isak tried. She didn't answer. That was okay. In cases like these, he did most of the talking. “Tired?” he asked.

She thought about this, and then nodded.

“Okay, well why don't we put you into bed?” Isak asked. “Does that sound good? If it doesn't, maybe we could eat something. Or you could take a bath? Does any of that sound good?”

“Bed,” she said after a moment.

“Great, Mamma, okay. Are you comfortable? Can you sleep in that?” She nodded and he stepped forward slowly to ease the vase from her grip and set it on the dresser. “Then why don't you go ahead and get under the covers, and I'll put on some music? Yeah?” He moved over to the old CD player that was laying on the floor, and set it upright and plugged it back in. The CDs were strewn around the room, some broken, most out of the case. He'd clean it up later, for now he grabbed the closest one, because they were all the same general mix of instrumentals and calmness and things that were supposed to ease anxiety and relax the mind. Once it was in and he'd pressed play, his mother was under the blankets, curled up against the pillows with her eyes falling shut.

“Sleep well, Mamma,” he said, letting her take his hand when he went back to the bed. He kissed the back of it and set it back down gently. “Tell me if you need anything.”

He left for the broom, and she was asleep by the time he got back and started cleaning the glass from the floor. The rest could wait until tomorrow, now he went back down to Lea and curled up with her on the couch, watching the movies she wanted until she, too, fell asleep.

It was a long day. But it'd be fine tomorrow.

  
**IV**

“No. That cereal's all sugar, pick something else. And pick the store brand, it's basically the same thing.”

Lea huffed out the most annoyed little sigh from her small body and stalked back over to the cereal boxes until she found the kind they usually got.

“How come Mamma's allowed to have Oreos but I can't have Lucky Charms?” she asked, dropping it into the cart.

“Because Mamma's a grown up.” This was not the reason, and even Lea knew that this was a bad excuse. It was because when she wouldn't eat anything else, at least she'd eat this.

“What do you want me to pack in your lunch?” Isak said when they were in the snack foods aisle and he'd grabbed his mother's Oreos from the shelf.

Lea walked down the aisle methodically collecting snacks in her arms before delivering them back to Isak for approval, and they got more bread, and more lunch meats, and some fruits and vegetables for the ten dishes that Isak knew how to cook because his dad had been back for a little over a week and his helpfulness due to guilt was subsiding.

“Are you good?” Isak asked.

“Can we get ice cream?”

“I don't want to walk home with ice cream, Lea,” he said. “It'll melt. And you'll eat all of it when I'm not home.”

She was pouting, stepping onto the front of the cart across from him and frowning.

“We can stop for some on the way home,” he allowed, giving in like he always did.

Lea smiled. “Push me on this, Isak,” she said, gripping onto the sides of the cart.

Isak started walking the cart forward, steering it around the aisles and then going faster when they were at the back of the store with more open space. Lea's giggles were high pitched and her hair was pushed into her face from moving backwards so quickly. When they came up to the register at the front, the woman was looking at them with a less than approving expression. He paid with a card he prayed would work, and when the payment went through he let out a poorly-disguised sigh of relief. The groceries were loaded into fabric bags and they walked outside.

“Ice cream,” Lea whined.

“There's no ice cream place right here,” he answered, carrying four bags that strained his muscles. “You're not being very patient.”

She was carrying one bag with bread in it and swinging it all around before she gasped and pointed and said, “Dog, Isak!”

“Ask before you pet it.”

She bounced ahead of him and approached the—stranger, really, so Isak jogged to catch up with her. And of course it wasn't a stranger. Of course not. It was Even.

“Can I pet your dog?” Lea asked, looking up at Even, who smiled down at her and said, “Sure. He's very friendly.” He glanced at Isak and Isak looked down at Lea as she rubbed the dog's head.

“I guess we live in the same neighborhood,” Even said hesitantly, and Isak just nodded wordlessly, watching Lea.

“Come on, baby girl, let's go get you some ice cream,” he said, touching her back to ease her forward. “Say thank you.”

“Thank you,” she said with a bright, toothy smile at Even.

“Thanks,” Isak muttered. They walked past him, and when he looked over his shoulder Even was looking back.

  
**V**

Sana walked in with Isak this time so he didn't feel like as much of a loser.

“This is your punishment for leaving early,” Sana said, sitting him down in the auditorium. “After this you don't have to come back.”

“Goody,” Isak said, and she smiled at him before she walked away. One more. He could survive one more meeting of Vilde's dumb club, the purpose of which was still unclear to him.

“Hi, Even!” Eva squealed, and Isak watched her run to him as he entered and throw her arms around him in a hug. “Go sit next to Isak, okay, we're playing a game.”

“Isak?” Even asked, eyes flicking to the boy in question, who wasn't supposed to be hearing this but was.

“Yeah, the blonde guy on the end of the row.”

“Oh. Um. Okay.” Isak saw him glance at Sana over Eva's shoulder, and Isak did the same.

She looked at each of them in turn and then stepped up beside Eva and said to Even, “Everyone paired up at the last meeting. But neither of you were here for the end of the meeting, mysteriously.” At this she threw a raised-eyebrow glance to Isak, minute and challenging. “So you two have to pair up for this to work.”

Sana knew everything. Sana did this on purpose.

It's not like either could protest without raising suspicion. So Even just nodded and sat next to Isak, enough distance between them that it wasn't weird for them and it wasn't weird for those around them.

Isak couldn't focus on whatever instructions Vilde gave. Even was too close and there was too much said and unsaid between them. So when everyone broke into pairs, Isak started and looked around, trying to figure out what they were supposed to be doing.

“We have to learn about each other,” Even said, glancing at him.

“Okay,” Isak answered, and then they sat in silence until he added, “Will they know if we don't?”

“Sana might,” Even said, and Isak had to remind himself not to smile. This wasn't like it used to be and Isak wasn't sixteen anymore.

“Okay,” Isak repeated, looking at his hands in his lap. “What do we have to... talk about?”

“I guess just... ask questions,” Even said.

“I don't....” He sighed. He suddenly felt like crying.

Once Even had been so familiar to him. Now it was like he never had been. If he'd lied about one thing, then could have lied about a lot.

“I already know a lot about you,” Isak said quietly, looking down. “I don't... I don't think we should do this.”

“Isak--”

“Even,” he interrupted, turning to look at him. “I don't see why we should try to act like.... Just because you saw me crying doesn't mean I want you to take pity on me and pretend you care.”

“That's not what I'm doing,” Even said quietly. He was looking down at the toe of his sneaker nudging at the floor.

“Then why are you.... Two weeks ago you were cornering me in a bathroom just to tell me you hated me.” Where this sudden courage came from was a mystery. He wasn't a confrontational person, really, when it came to anyone. The most he'd ever confronted someone was his father, and he always backed down eventually, or ran away from it.

“I never said that,” Even said.

“You didn't really have to.” Isak twisted his fingers together and stared at them. “I don't want you to be nice to me just because you saw me upset. Not if that's the only thing that's changed.”

“I don't want to treat you badly,” Even said. “I never did.”

“A lot went wrong, then, didn't it?” Isak asked. He stood up, pulling his jacket on. “I have to go. Tell Sana I'm sorry.”

Even didn't say anything except, “Okay,” but it sounded like he was pressed to say something else.

There was so much they needed to say. So much between them, now. Isak wanted to ask different questions, wanted to see what he'd done wrong. Wanted to know what was so wrong and bad and undesirable about him, what had changed in an hour's time.

But they couldn't talk. Not when they were like this, and they would always be like this because Isak was hurt and Even probably was, too, for some reason that Isak didn't understand because he'd never been told, and Isak wasn't ready to take that step towards healing. He could heal when the rest of his life did, when his family did, when Even did enough to initiate it for Isak.

For now, he went home and hugged his sister and french braided her hair so it'd be curly when she woke up in the morning. He let her fall asleep with her feet in his lap and then carried her into bed and tucked her in.

His mom was reading the bible calmly in bed, underlining passages and reciting silently. She kissed him when he entered to say goodnight, stroked his hair from his forehead and told him she loved him. This was how it went; an hour or a day or a week of screaming, and then a period of blissful calm, and eventually there came depression. She'd been depressed for her entire life and the mix with whatever undiagnosed illness coursing through her now was an exhausting combination.

And that was a real problem. High school drama with a pretty boy was nothing compared to that.

So he just made sure she had eaten and had water, he checked on Lea in her bedroom, he kept the door unlocked in case his father was planning on coming back.

He laid down on his bed to do homework and fell asleep halfway through the first sheet.

  
**VI**

“ _Hi.”_

_Isak looked beside him and smiled, turning his body. “Hi. You're here.”_

“ _I am,” Even said, smiling. “And you're here.” Isak nodded once, holding his beer can in both hands. “So we're here. We're both here.”_

“ _Yeah, I guess so,” Isak said with a laugh. He'd never seen Even nervous before, but maybe this was it. It was still pretty composed. Impressive. A lot of things impressed Isak about Even._

“ _What are you drinking?” Even asked._

_Isak turned the label towards him. “Beer,” he said curiously, looking up at him, and Even kind of blushed and said, “Well, I was gonna be, like, cool and go get you another one, or make you a drink, or something, but it seems like you're pretty set. Now it's kind of lame, because it looks like I don't know what beer is.”_

_Isak laughed. “Thank you, though. The thought was nice.”_

“ _It would've been pretty chivalrous, right? Fight my way through the crowd to get you another drink?”_

“ _I guess. There are some better things you could do, though, right?”_

“ _Like what?” Even asked. They were leaning in close to each other. Isak knew that it was in front of everyone at this party, knew it might be looked at the wrong way, but he found himself not caring. Being found out was nothing compared to having Even so close._

“ _Like....” He ran his index finger over the ridge of his beer can as he looked up at the ceiling in thought. “Like fighting the girl that keeps hitting on me.”_

“ _Oh, which one?” Even asked, turning back to the crowd in front of the couch they were tucked behind. Isak searched the heads with his eyes and then pointed with the hand around the beer can._

“ _Her. Long brown hair. Next to the really drunk blonde girl?”_

“ _Oh, I could take her,” Even scoffed, turning his body back towards Isak's. “No problem.”_

“ _Well, yeah, you're about two feet taller and four years older.”_

_Even rolled his eyes. “So hard to impress. Is Sana here?”_

“ _Uh, yeah.” Isak stood on his toes and found her with Eva and Noora on the makeshift dance floor. He didn't know Sana too well, but she seemed the most levelheaded and chill of all of Eva's friends. “Dancing. She's pretty good.”_

“ _Sana's pretty good at a lot of things,” Even said, and Isak looked back at him with a smile that turned shy as soon as they were facing each other with silence between them. It felt a lot quieter than it was, and it felt a lot less crowded. The music and the people and the overlapping voices didn't mean much when they were this close together._

“ _You look really nice,” Even said, leaning into his ear to be heard._

_Isak smiled beneath a blush when Even pulled back to grin at him. “Thanks,” he said back._

“ _You're very welcome.”_

_Isak smiled and blushed and let Even move closer, looking up at him with wide eyes._

_And he was prepared for what would happen next. Whatever Even wanted that to be._

“ _Do you want to go out for a smoke?” Even asked, pulling a joint from behind is ear. “I know it's kind of cold.”_

“ _It's fine,” Isak said, probably too quickly, with too bright a smile._

“ _Let's go, then,” Even said, taking his hand for a moment to tug him in the right direction before dropping it. Isak didn't think he would've minded if he kept his hold, even if everybody saw. But he couldn't make the decision for himself, so he didn't reach for those fingers again._

_He followed Even out of the house, out of the noise, to outside where no one really was because of the cold. They sat on the stoop of the back porch and Even put the joint between his lips. Isak tracked the movement and smiled when he met Even's gaze._

_It was dark out back. Light from a nearby window illuminated the area just enough for Isak to see Even but they were alone and it was dark and it gave Isak courage to sit as close as he was sitting, to let his gaze linger like it was._

“ _Here,” Even said, handing him the lit joint. Isak took a deep inhale and held it as he let his head fall back. As he was exhaling, Even said, “You're really beautiful, Isak.”_

_Isak turned his head, eyes open wide. “What?”_

_Even looked nervous, scared, as he said, “Sorry--”_

“ _No, don't say sorry,” Isak said, smiling a little. “Just... say it again.”_

_The joint was on the step beside him and Even's hand was on his thigh and his breath was hitched in his throat when Even whispered, “You're beautiful,” with his lips centimeters from Isak's own._

_And it was Isak who closed the distance. He didn't ever think he would._

_Even's arm was wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, and he had a hand on his cheek. Isak clutched at Even's hair, one hand on the side of his thigh. Isak made a small noise in his mouth, weak when his lips opened for Even's tongue._

_This was something he never thought he'd have._

_But he wasn't going to give it up now that he did._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me in the comments or on tumblr i love hearing your feedback for the story :) or just ask me questions about the show or myself or tell me things idk i just love hearing from ya'll <3 tumblr is supermansplaining and it is STILL a lame page but i do post updates and stuff there so if i ever don't post for a while the reason will be there :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow thank you everyone for your beautiful support, as always. i live for your comments, and when i have a message in my inbox on tumblr i want to cry <3  
> i decided to update despite the return of (love of my life) sana today, mostly because people online told me to, so here you go :)  
> not really sure how i feel about this one, but it's just some more necessary development for the 5th chapter, which should be good (fingers crossed)  
> all mistakes (and i'm sure there are plenty) are mine

**I**

“Hey, what's wrong?” Isak asked, sitting next to Sana on the living room couch. “What's going on?”

She shook her head, looking away from him for a moment to calm the tears glazing her eyes.

“What's wrong, Sana?” he asked again, setting a palm on her back.

“I'm sick of it. I just... I don't fit in,” she said, turning to him. Her voice was steady and calm and it was almost as if she wasn't upset at all. “And I knew that, I guess; from the moment I met Vilde she disliked me, and my friends can't even remember to get my pizza without pork on it, but....” She shrugged and swallowed and those were the only cracks in her exterior. Isak rubbed her back, sitting close to her. She was always so stoic and strong, even when she... wasn't. “I don't know,” she said. “I don't know. I guess I thought.... I mean, they made me introduce them to my brother and his friends. They don't listen when I say things. I don't want to be the Muslim friend, you know? I don't want that to be my only identity, but I don't want them to completely _erase_ it from my identity, either. Because it's there, it's a part of it, but they only need to worry about, like, ordering one halal option, or... or understanding that sometimes I go to mosque on Fridays instead of to parties. Is that too much to ask? For them to remember that there are just some things I don't do, and I don't want to talk about?”

She moved to rest her head on his shoulder, and a year ago if he'd been asked if he ever expected to be sitting in Sana Bakkoush's house with her head on his shoulder, that would have been the farthest thing from his mind.

“Don't you understand?” she asked quietly, and it sounded like a beg.

“I understand,” he answered, resting his cheek against the top of her head, against the soft fabric of the hijab, chin touching the pearly heart pins. “But it's not the same, not for me. My friends don't know. As much as I hate it when they talk about girls and sex and everything, they don't know that I hate it. Your friends... they should know. You've been Muslim since you met them, it's not something you come out as. You guys do everything together, don't you think they should know by now?”

She mumbled, “I do.”

This was reminiscent of how he used to hug Eva, with her head tucked under his chin. This was better, though. He related to Sana, he knew what she was going through, and not to the same extent, not at the same level, because their problems were different. But being isolated and alone, he understood. Being by himself in a crowd of people. Feeling like he couldn't connect to everyone who meant most in the world.

“It sucks to hear about it all,” Isak said, “but I still have the hope that things will change, if I ever get the courage to tell. You know?”

“Do you think you ever will?”

“This isn't about me, Sana,” Isak said with a smile, shaking her shoulders a little. “You're too selfless, girl. Let me comfort you. I came over to cuddle.”

“You're the worst,” she said, and he heard her smile.

“Your friends should learn your opinions and your religion. Have they ever asked?”

“No.”

“Then maybe you should tell them. Next time they get pepperoni pizza, say, 'You guys know I can't fucking eat this, right?' Or maybe say it nicer than that, but just... don't let them get away with it. Call them out. I know you already do, but do it even for those little things, too. It'll make them respect you more.”

“They're my friends, though,” she said. “I don't want to be mad at them.”

“But you are. I know you don't want to be. But maybe you need to be mad and uncomfortable for a second now so that you won't be in the future. Calling them out is probably important for your friendship. If they keep doing this stuff, you're just gonna resent them.”

“I fucking hate it when you're all smart and practical,” she said.

“Yeah, that's how I feel about you all the time,” Isak answered.

“I'm tired of boys, too,” Sana said with a petulant little sniffle.

“Fuck, Sana, so am I.” He laughed and rubbed her back. “You're everything a guy wants, though. Your future husband will never have to make any decisions. He'll be a lucky man.”

Sana smiled and turned him, lifting her head from his shoulder. “So will yours.”

He blushed and looked away from her. “We should just marry each other instead. You don't want to deal with dumbass men, and I don't want to deal with myself.” He turned to her and raised his eyebrows. “We could be happy together.”

“No, Isak.”

He winked. “Consider it.”

Her cheeks were still kind of flushed and her mascara had smudged a bit from rubbing at it with her fingertips, and it was soon enough to tell that she had been crying, or at least about to start. But her smile was back, and her dimples.

The front door opened and Isak looked over, expecting to see Elias, or maybe her parents, who hopefully would be okay with him having his arm around their daughter's shoulders.

It was Even, though, because of course it was, and he was shaking rain out of his jacket before hanging it up in the house.

“Hey,” Sana said, making him start and look at them in surprise.

“Hey,” Even said, glancing between them, eyes falling on Sana's puffy face. “Are you okay?”

She waved him off. “I'm fine. Don't worry. Elias is upstairs.”

Even took another glance at Isak, who was kind of frozen with his arm around Sana. “Okay. Uh. Okay, we're ordering pizza if you want some.” He looked at Isak. “I mean, either of you.”

Isak looked at Sana. The tension in the air was uncomfortable and Isak didn't understand why Even was trying. Suddenly trying when he hadn't before.

He hadn't seen Even in six months, but now he was everywhere. Even hadn't been at Sana's house, at school, in the neighborhood. Isak hadn't seen him anywhere before where he was seeing him now, and he knew that something had happened to change Even's life and make him need to repeat his third year at a different school than the one he'd gone to before.

Isak didn't know what it was, but it had changed his life enough that he stopped going to Sana's, where they met in the first place. Changed it so that he appeared in places he never had before, at the same times Isak did. That wasn't so much of a coincidence: their schedules were the same, they got out of school at the same time, they went on walks or visited Sana's after school or for overlapping hours on the weekends. The mystery was why he was there in the first place, again. Why he was walking his dog in the park Isak took Lea to, why Isak suddenly couldn't get away, when it was hurting him most.

Whatever. Isak had to tell himself that he didn't care. He was curious, sure, but he couldn't let himself care anymore. He had before, and it'd ended in a heartbreaking way.

He and Sana made cookies in her kitchen instead of joining Elias and Even when the pizza came, and this was what he liked. Sana made him feel so normal and good about himself. She didn't make him talk about it. She didn't act like there was something wrong with him, and he was more thankful for that than anything.

  
**II**

He had his phone pressed to his ear as he entered the restaurant. “I'm picking it up now, Jonas.”

“Are you? You always say you're on your way when you haven't even left yet.”

“I am! I'm in the restaurant, what name did you put the order under?”

“Valtersen,” Jonas said. “You better hurry on home. Lea and I are about to start watching _Sharktopus_. You don't want to miss that.”

“Hey, she's eight years old,” Isak said, approaching the host stand. “She doesn't need to watch _Sharktopus._ ”

“It's not a scary movie. She'll be fine, right girlie?”

He heard the distinct sound of Lea saying something in the background as he waited for the host to come up to help him.

“She says she'll be fine,” Jonas said. “And even if she's not, I'm staying over tonight so she can wake me up with a Sharktopus nightmare, not you.”

“Please. If she's scared you'll be scared and I'll just be woken up twice.”

“Dick,” Jonas said. “Sorry, Lea. It's time you learned the truth about your brother.”

“Stop poisoning my sister against me, I'm the one bringing food home. Don't start the movie til I get there. What are you two doing now?”

“Chilling,” Jonas said.

“How?” Isak asked suspiciously.

“We brought the Legos into the living room.”

“Jonas!” he whined in exasperation. “I hate the Legos in the living room! You know this! That's like my one rule. They go everywhere and she doesn't clean them up and I step on them.”

“You do step on Legos surprisingly often.”

“Shut up, the guy's coming. I'll be home in five minutes.”

“Love you buddy.”

Isak rolled his eyes and hung up, putting the phone back in his pocket. Jonas was his impromptu babysitter when Isak stayed late at school to do homework that was nearly impossible to do when he was at home. He'd known Isak since they were five and started kindergarten, so he'd known Lea for her entire life. There was no one he trusted more with his sister.

“I'm picking up an order for Valtersen,” he said to the man who was in front of him.

The man didn't say anything, just took Isak's offered debit card and disappeared back into the kitchen. The food was so good and the prices so low that it made up for the shitty service. When he returned with the debit card, receipt, and large brown bag of Chinese takeout cartons, Isak took it with a thank you and turned towards the door, almost running into someone and looking up into Even's eyes.

“Hey,” Even said, and Isak looked past him at Sonja latched onto his hand.

“Uh, hey,” Isak said, stepping back from the door a bit.

Even hesitated, but said, “Is the food... good here? I'm new to the neighborhood.”

Isak just nodded, showing Sonja a small smile when she grinned at him.

Even sighed and said, “Well--”

“I've gotta go,” Isak said, brushing past him and starting home.

_New to the neighborhood_. That'd explain his sudden emergence when he and Lea were walking. But he couldn't really focus on that, because all he could think about was Sonja smiling at him.

Isak knew that she didn't know what had happened. That Even had cheated on her with him. Even if she had known that, she wouldn't know that it was with Isak.

It wasn't Sonja's fault. Sonja was just as much a victim as Isak was. But it didn't mean he liked the reminder. He didn't want to see them together, he didn't want to see him happy with her. Isak had been happy with Even, too, but now that part of his life was messed up just like the rest, and Isak resented seeing Even so happy and unaffected, as if nothing had ever happened between them.

“I'm home,” he called into the house when he opened the door.

Lea and Jonas were too busy building towers in the living room to greet him, so he fished his mom's food from the bag and took it upstairs with a fork.

“Hey,” he said. She smiled, clean and freshly washed in the room Isak had cleaned the other day. “Your food's here.”

She set aside the book she'd been reading and took the carton. “Thank you, baby.”

“You're welcome. Jonas is downstairs, if you want to eat with us.”

“No, that's okay,” she said. “You three have fun.” She kissed his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Downstairs, Isak moved all the food onto the coffee table in the living room, setting three cups of water down with it. Lea gave him an absent hug around his neck, lame and weak, too distracted with the—castle?—that she and Jonas were building.

“Did you finish your work?” Jonas asked, stacking a neat tower of alternating red and blue Legos.

“Yeah, thanks for coming.”

“I'll always spend time with my favorite girl.”

“Bring Thea next time,” Lea said. “She's cool.”

“Why do you like my sister better than me, girlie?” Jonas asked, peering around his tower at her. “I've been there since they brought your little ass home from the hospital.”

“I like Thea,” Lea said smugly. The tower on her side of the castle was far less composed than Jonas's. “What'd you get me, Issy?”

“Egg rolls,” he answered.

She stopped building and scooted towards the coffee table. “Jonas. Start the movie.”

“She's gotten pushy,” Jonas said, reaching for the remote. “You spoil her, you pushover.”

Isak scoffed. “You spoil her, too.”

“Well I'm, like, the uncle. The uncle's allowed to spoil. The uncle never says no.”

“That's not fair. I don't want to have to say no to her,” Isak said, looking at where Lea was digging through her Chinese carton for the soy sauce packets. “She just looks so sad when I say no.”

Jonas smiled as he shook his head. “You're a softie.”

“Maybe.”

Lea deserved some happiness. Her family life was hard, and while it was Isak who took the brunt of the direct repercussions of that, living in that environment took its toll. If he could do anything to make things better for her, he would.

“That's okay,” Jonas said, starting the movie and leaning back against the couch. “You're raising her right. She's a good kid, and she's gonna be a great person.”

Isak looked at her and smiled. “Yeah. I know.”

  
**III**

“Hey, Mamma,” he said in confusion, stopping at the foot of the stairs and watching his mother in the kitchen. “What are you doing?”

“I'm making dinner!” she exclaimed with a smile that made Isak smile.

“That's great,” he said, coming up beside her. “You're feeling better?”

“I'm feeling better,” she confirmed.

Isak felt that everything was worth it, when she finally came out of her head for a moment. All the nights spent calming her, every day he brought her food when she couldn't get out of bed. None of that mattered in those moments when she stepped out from her room, dressed in clean clothes with her hair braided and her eyes clear.

“That's so good,” he said. “Do you need any help?”

“No, sweetheart,” she said. “Go relax. I'll call you when dinner's ready.”

“Do you want me to set the table, at least?” he asked. He wasn't really a fan of sitting down with his whole family for a meal, just because he wasn't used to it, and because they never had anything to talk about. But if it made his mom happy, he could sit through half an hour of awkwardness.

“Yes,” she said. “Okay.”

“Alright,” he said, going to the cupboards. “I'm glad you're cooking again. I know you like it.”

“I'm making pork roast,” she said. “And mashed potatoes, and green beans. And there's cake for dessert.”

Isak smiled as he set the plates on the table with forks and knives and paper napkins that were left over from different takeout places.

“How are things going with you?” she asked, stirring gravy in a saucepan.

“Everything's alright,” Isak answered. “I'm getting sixes in most of my classes.”

“I'm so proud of you,” his mom said, turning to look over her shoulder at him. “You're such a good kid.”

“Thanks, Mamma,” he said. He went up behind her and pressed his cheek to hers, bending down to do so. He remembered when he was shorter than her. It didn't seem like too long ago.

“I know it's not easy on you,” she said, leaning her head against his as she turned up the heat on the stove. “I wish it could be.”

“I don't care that it's hard,” Isak said. “I just care that you're happy.”

Dinner was a fairly silent affair. Isak kept halfheartedly attempting conversation, with his parents who sat opposite each other, but his mother was the only one who answered, and her responses didn't leave much room for discussion.

“The food's good, Mamma,” he said, smiling at her and loving her beaming pride as she smiled back. “Really good.”

“Really good,” Lea parroted with a nod, mouth full as she dug at the potatoes with her fork. Her knees were tucked under her in the chair, but she was much bigger than the last time they'd all sat at that table together. He couldn't really remember the last time it was all four of them; the last time his mom had felt good enough to return to the kitchen, his father had been gone.

“I'm glad you like it, baby,” their mom said, reaching out and covering Lea's hand, and Lea smiled at her.

After a few more minutes of silent eating, Lea piped up. “Isak and I were talking about getting a dog.”

Isak laughed. “Were we?”

She nodded, chewing her pork happily. This was much better than anything Isak could ever make, better even than anything he could buy on his way home from school. He loved it when his mother cooked, and he savored the moments. “Yeah, a guard dog,” she said to her mom, who laughed.

“Guarding what?” she asked, and Isak lived for this. The moments when the two people he loved most could connect and talk and be together, be mother and daughter.

“Guarding us!” Lea said in excitement. Isak couldn't wipe the grin from his face. “When Issy's not here, the dog will bark,” she said. “So we don't have to be scared.”

“I think that's a great idea, my love,” their mother said with a conspiratorial smile, leaning close to Lea. “But you'll have to get a very good one. One that's already been trained. And you'll have to learn to take care of it, because it would be your dog, love.”

She looked wide-eyed between Isak and her mom. “Really?” she asked.

“Well if Isak thinks so, if he's prepared for the responsibility, I don't see why not,” Marianne said. Her eyes were so bright and Isak was so happy.

Isak couldn't deny them, even thought the brunt of responsibility, as they all knew, would fall on him. He was sure he could handle it. A dog could be beneficial for their family; it would be a great companion to Lea when she was alone, a great introducer of responsibility. His mother had always loved animals, and a dog could be a good bringer of peace when she was without it.

“I think I could do that,” he said. “If we talk about it a little bit.”

“We're not having a dog,” Terje said, and Isak had pretty much forgotten he was there. “This is my house, I'm not having a dog in fucking it up.”

“Well maybe we could talk about it,” Marianne suggested calmly.

“No,” Terje said. “No dog.”

“Well why not?” Isak asked. “We'd take care of it.”

“I don't want to pay for it,” Terje said, and that really would be the only amount of responsibility for the animal, since he'd never be home for it anyways.

“Well... it wouldn't be much,” Isak said. “Only the cost of a bag of dog food a month, and maybe some toys. Lea and I would take it on walks and things, and the back yard's already fenced in for it. You wouldn't have to do anything.” While he wasn't completely for the idea in the first place—in that if it didn't work out, he himself wouldn't be too upset—now that his father was denying it, he had the urge to fight for it.

“It's my house,” was all his father said.

“That's not a good reason,” Isak said. “It's our house, too. It should be a family decision, not an executive order.”

“Issy,” Lea said carefully, sounding scared.

“It's alright,” he said.

Marianne tried to smile despite the obvious discomfort, and said, “I'll go get the cake, we can have dessert, won't that be nice?” as she stood up.

“Isak,” Terje said with a hard voice, and Marianne stopped on her way to the kitchen to look back. She wasn't strong enough for this, not now, and Isak wished that just once they could all be together as a family without everything going to shit. This was just his father's bravado. His stupid fucking pride.

Because his seventeen-year-old son was doing what he couldn't get his shit together for long enough to.

“You don't make decisions here,” he said. “I'm glad you help out, I'm glad you _want_ to help. But it's not your decision.”

“I know it's not,” Isak said. “It's all of ours, and Mamma and Lea want it to, so I don't understand why your desires mean more than anyone else's.”

If his mother was a little stronger, she'd be joining the discussion, but she wasn't, she was just coming out of an episode following a depression. Lea was too young to know that she was allowed to fight back against her dad, but Isak already knew that when she was older she'd be a force of nature. Now, though, it was just him against his dad, like it always was.

“The answer's no,” Terje said. “I'm your dad, I get the final say.”

“You're hardly my dad,” Isak said. He had been so much fucking braver lately, and he couldn't blame anything but just exhaustion at the state of his life. A general _what the fuck do I have to lose._ So he was fighting, now, because why the hell not. “Why do you get to come back for two weeks and then make every decision for yourself? We're the ones that have to live here all the time. We're the ones who should decide.”

This was about much more than a dog. He could give a shit about the dog—he was a cat person anyways, liked how detached and independent the little fuckers were. This was about control, and he wasn't ready to give it back to the man who deserved it least.

“Don't argue with me,” his father said.

“I'm just trying to talk about it, aren't we allowed to discuss things? Or are you the patriarch, you get to control everything because you're the man of the house?”

“Mamma can we have cake?” Lea asked.

“Yes, love, come with me,” she said, ushering Lea into the kitchen. “It's chocolate. You like chocolate, don't you?”

When they had disappeared into the kitchen Isak turned back to his dad and said, “Why should you get to decide everything if you're never here? Lea would feel safer with a dog, and I can't always be around.”

“She shouldn't be scared.”

“She's eight! Mamma can't protect her when she's in bed all day, can she? Of course she can be scared, she _should_ be scared, kids get scared. And Mamma could use a dog, they ease stress, you know. Maybe she'd be a little calmer, or something, I don't know. I know it couldn't hurt.”

“I said no, Isak,” he said. “I mean no. I won't pay for it, you can't get it.”

“Fine. I'll just wait until you leave again.”

  
**IV**

Noora's flat was a place of chaos, and Isak had earned himself an invite to the party because of the two five-minute sections of kosegruppa he had attended. He had a feeling Sana had to vouch for him a little bit.

So Lea was with Ann, his mom was baking a lot of things for an unknown reason, and his dad had instructions to make sure she turned off the oven before she went to bed because there'd been a few times before that she hadn't. And Isak was on a couch next to Noora's very excited, very drunk roommate Eskild.

“You're so pretty,” he slurred, putting his hand on top of Isak's head. “But you're such a little baby. I just want to protect you. I want to wrap you up in a blanket.”

Isak didn't really know what to do with that information, but he was saved by another girl wandering over who Eskild latched onto immediately, rising off the couch. “Linn. My darling. My little couch potato.”

“Goddamnit, Eskild, this is a party for high school students not fully grown gay men,” the girl said.

“I'm young and beautiful, my Linny. Just talking to young Isak here.”

“Hi, Isak,” Linn said with a smile. She didn't look like someone who smiled much. He liked her.

“Hi, Linn.”

“I'm gonna remove Eskild from you, now,” she said. “Is that okay?”

“Go for it.”

When they were gone, Sana plopped down next to him. “Hi hubby.”

“My beautiful bride,” Isak said with a smile, hugging her. “I haven't seen you, where've you been? You left me with Noora's roommate.”

“Eskild?” she asked with a laugh. “I'm sure he freaked you out. He's intense.”

“He's nice,” Isak said. “Seems fun.”

“He'd be good to talk to,” Sana said. “About... yourself. If you ever wanted to.”

“I don't think so, Sana,” he said. “If I can't even tell my friends then I can't talk to a stranger.”

“I was basically a stranger when I found out,” Sana said.

“That was unwilling,” Isak said. “An accident. It wasn't actually, like, coming out.”

“No,” she agreed. “And I'm still sorry about that. I didn't mean to see.”

“It's fine,” Isak said. “I'm glad someone knows. You know, someone other than Even.”

She sighed, tilting her head at him. “He's not that bad.”

“He's getting better,” Isak conceded. “I guess. I'm not sure why.”

She just raised her eyebrows over his shoulder and then Even was sitting on her other side and giving her a hug.

“Hi Sana,” he said. He glanced at Isak as he released her and said, “Hey,” like he was afraid Isak would run away. But Isak was tired of running. This was his one night off babysitting duty, he was relaxing and getting high, he had found this great couch to wait the party out on. He wasn't going to leave. Not this time.

“Hey,” he said back, looking at his beer bottle. Of course he would rather not speak to Even, but he was done giving Even whatever he wanted. He was done leaving so he wouldn't get hurt, at least for right now. Because right now he was just fucking tired. He'd been tired for so fucking long.

“I'm gonna go control Eva,” Sana said, patting Even's leg. She looked straight at Isak and said, “You gonna be okay?”

Isak nodded with an obvious swallow. “I'm fine.”

She smiled and stood up, and then Isak and Even were left alone with each other, studiously avoiding eye contact, a foot of space between them. When Isak stole a glance at him he could remember what his lips felt like. His tongue. He remembered what he'd tasted like that night.

“How are you?” Even asked after a moment.

Isak was so taken aback with surprise that all he could say was, “What?”

Even's face flushed and he looked away. “I don't know. I don't know how to do this.”

“Do what?” Isak asked, watching his profile carefully as if Even would coil up and pounce.

Even put his face in his hands and mumbled, “I don't know,” sounding tired. He rubbed his hands over his face, then ran his fingers through his hair and leaned back against the couch cushions, staring at the ceiling. “Everything's so fucked up, isn't it?” he asked the space between them.

Isak didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say.

“What are you doing?” he finally was able to ask, voice hoarse like he hadn't used it in ages.

“I don't know, Isak.” It was what he'd said most, and Isak didn't know, either. He finally looked at Isak and Isak was struck by the intensity of the gaze.

“You should figure it out,” Isak said, standing up from the couch.

He didn't see Even for the rest of the night, but he felt that things were changing. He didn't know what, or why. He didn't know what it meant. But things were different, and something had happened, both now and six months ago.

He couldn't forgive until Even gave him a reason to. Maybe that was coming. Maybe it could soon be over.

  
**V**

“You eat too much sugar,” Isak said, smoothing his hand down Lea's hair.

“You let me eat too much sugar,” Lea said back, and took a pointed sip of her hot chocolate, held between her mittens.

“She's got you there,” Jonas said, walking on Lea's other side with his own coffee.

“Yeah, she's a clever little shit, isn't she?” Isak asked. “She's reading at an eleven-year-old's reading level.”

“Is she?” Jonas asked, raising his eyebrows. “High five, girlie, well done. What books are you reading?”

Lea started her recitation of every chapter book she could remember, and Isak saw Even walking down the path, same dog on a leash in front of him, like Lea always saw him. He prayed that they could just pass each other; that Even wouldn't recognize him, or even if he did, he wouldn't say anything.

But Jonas was here, and Jonas had invited Even to their lunch table and talked about Nas with him, so Jonas flagged him down with an excited call.

“Hey, man,” Even said as he approached. “Hey, Isak.”

“Hi.”

Lea reached out to the dog but Isak said, “Hey. Ask.”

“Can I pet your dog?” she asked with an eye roll. Even smiled, charmed as everyone was by his sister, and nodded.

“I didn't know you lived around here,” Jonas said to him. “Isak lives, like, five minutes that way.”

“Yeah, I moved pretty recently,” Even answered. “We've been accidentally seeing a lot of each other.”

“Small neighborhood,” Isak said with an attempt at civility. In front of Jonas and Lea, he could pretend nothing was wrong. Truthfully, Even was confusing him so much that Isak didn't really know how to act anyways. For months Even hated him, talked shit to Sana about him, ignored him, confronted him at school. And now... now it was different. He didn't know how, not yet, couldn't tell if it would be good or bad or anything, really, because Even wasn't explaining and Isak wasn't asking him to.

“So who's this?” Even asked, nodding down at Lea.

“My sister,” Isak said. His voice came out a lot more defensive than probably necessary. “Lea.”

“Hi,” Lea said, still rubbing at the dog's head.

“Nice to meet you,” Even said with a smile. “I'm Even. And that's Books.”

Lea giggled. “Books? That's not a name.”

Even laughed. “No, maybe not. He's named after a show, though, one you haven't seen I'm sure.”

“I like it,” Lea said. “I like the name, even though it's not a name. And I like the dog. How old is he?”

“Maybe five, or six,” Even said with a shrug. “I got him this past summer. He likes you.”

“Me and Isak were gonna get a dog,” Lea said. “But we can't anymore.”

“Oh, that's too bad,” Even said. He glanced at Isak, smile still on his lips from speaking to Lea, and it was almost like it used to be, in that single moment.

He was only smiling at Isak because he'd been smiling at Lea and it hadn't fallen yet in that quick glance. But after they'd met, for the months that they smiled to each other, laughed and talked and texted, Isak had loved that smile. He hadn't seen it directed at him in six months. It wasn't directed at him now, either, not really, but his heart still stopped for a second.

Isak's hand had been running through Lea's hair absently, and when he couldn't possibly be around Even anymore, with everything unsaid between them and everything too heavy and complex, he said, “We should go, love,” to Lea, dropping his hand from her hair to her shoulder.

“Yeah, see you around, man,” Jonas said, giving him a slapping handshake. “Nice seeing you.”

“You too,” he said, eyes on Isak's.

“Thanks for letting me pet Books,” Lea said. “Next time I don't have to ask to pet him, do I? Isak always makes me ask.”

“Well he's got a point,” Even said with a nod down at her. “But no, you don't have to ask me anymore. You should still ask other people.”

When Lea looked up at Isak in question, he nodded, and urged her forward with the hand on her shoulder.

“Thanks,” Isak said to Even, adding a polite nod as Jonas walked a bit in front of him with Lea.

“Yeah,” Even said, turning around to watch as Isak started to walk. “Hey, I'll see you, yeah?”

Isak just watched him for a second, before giving a short nod and turning back around to catch up.

What the hell was going on.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me <3 even if it's just to ask me about my thoughts on the show or my life or something, i love hearing from ya'll. again, lame tumblr at supermansplaining.tumblr.com and my ask box should be open to everyone (i think but 19 years on this planet has not made me good with technology)  
> thank you all so much <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my love to Manchester and Marawi right now, I hope everyone is staying safe <3  
> This chapter is kind of heavy, but hopefully I've written it right?? I don't know...  
> Thank you all for your sweet comments and for talking to me here and on tumblr it really makes me so happy to read these things :) I reply to all comments and my ask box is always open so talk to me about literally anything, I just love hearing from yall. Feel free to send me requests for future fics, I'll save them all :)  
> Trigger warnings for ableist language

**I**

It wasn't late enough for Lea to be asleep, but she wasn't in the living room when he got home. “Lea?” he called. “Where are you?”

He walked upstairs and knocked on her bedroom door before pushing it open, but it was an empty mess of dirty laundry and toys on the floor. The bathroom was empty, the kitchen. He was starting to panic. “Lea?” he called. He knocked on his mom's door but she was silent in bed, staring at the wall. It didn't make sense. She had been so good only this morning. “Mamma?” he asked, trying to calm his voice. He was dangerously close to not being able to breathe. “Where's Lea? Do you know?”

She didn't answer, didn't acknowledge him, didn't do anything but blink at the wallpaper.

“Mamma!” he almost yelled, frantic. “Where is she?”

He didn't know what that was supposed to accomplish but he wasn't thinking straight, and it accomplished nothing. He ran back downstairs again and opened the back door, looking over the yard. “Lea! Fuck.” He pulled out his phone with shaking hands and called Ann, frustrated with how long it took the goddamn thing to recognize his trembling thumbprint. He tried to calm his voice when he said, “Ann? It's Isak, is Lea with you?” but it still shook and he sounded on the verge of a breakdown. Maybe he was.

“Isak?” Ann asked, confusion evident. “Was I supposed to pick her up today?”

“No—no, just... she's not there?”

“No, honey. What's going on?”

He wasn't breathing. He was going to pass out. “Can you ask Cathrine if she was in school today?”

“Yeah, give me one second, darling. Calm down, Isak, it's gonna be fine.”

When she pulled the phone from her ear Isak was close to a panic attack. He'd never had one before, but if the crushing weight on his chest was a true indication, then he was sure it wouldn't bode well for him. He couldn't breathe. Fuck, everything was falling apart again.

“Cathrine said she left early, love,” Ann said, voice suddenly in his ear again. “Someone checked her out, I guess.”

“God, shit--”

“Honey what's going on? What's happening?”

“She's not here, fuck, I don't know where she is. I've got to go, I'll call you later. I'm sorry.” He ended the call and dialed his dad. Only family could check kids out from the elementary school.

“Hi, Isak.”

“Where are you?”

“I'm staying away for a while.”

_Fuck you._ “Is she with you?”

There was a pause before he said, “Yes,” and Isak sobbed out a sigh, pressing his hand against his heaving chest.

“Let me come get her,” he said, when he had calmed enough to speak again. She was safe, that was what mattered. His father wouldn't hurt her just to punish Isak for insolence. Whatever reason he'd taken her out of school could be addressed later.

“She's staying here,” his father answered, and Isak went cold.

“What?”

There was sigh on the other line, like his dad was so tired of talking about an exhausted subject. “That house is no place for her anymore. Your mother is crazy, psychotic. Lea could get hurt.”

“Mamma wouldn't hurt her,” Isak said. “Not ever, you know that. Let me come get her, tell me where you are.”

“This is for the best, Isak.”

“No, what the fuck! No!” He was yelling. He didn't care. His fucking crazy, psychotic mother was catatonic upstairs, she wouldn't notice. “Bring her back, she needs me!” He was crying, pushing his hair back. “Oh my God, bring her back, please. Please.”

“We can talk more when you've calmed down,” Terje said, and then the line went dead and Isak was left alone in his living room with tears on his cheeks and more coming down.

“Fuck!” he screamed, throwing his phone down. It landed on the couch and he fell there after it, laying down as he called back. “Answer, you motherfucker,” he muttered, clutching a throw pillow to his chest. “Pick up your _fucking_ phone!” When it went to voicemail Isak hung up and called again. This time it only rang once before going to voicemail. “Fuck you. Fuck you! Piece of shit!” This was what his life had come to; screaming and crying alone in his house at seven o'clock on a Wednesday. He called again, and left a voicemail when it was offered to him without ringing at all.

“You don't know what's good for her.” He had forced the anger out of his voice, and it was okay, because he was just bone tired now, filled with sadness, not anger. “You're never around. I understand her and I know what she needs. Please don't do this just to hurt me, please, I need her here, I need to know she's safe. She barely knows you, Dad, she's scared, just let me... let me talk to her, at least. If nothing else just let me talk to her. She belongs here, I swear she does. She needs to be around her mom, she can't grow up without a mother. I can take care of her, I can.... Just, please. Please do this for me. Nothing else, I want nothing else.”

He slept in his mother's bed that night, on top of the covers on what was once his father's side, years ago. He didn't sleep, actually, not really; he stared at the ceiling as his mother stared at the walls. His mom didn't turn towards him, and he didn't expect her to. She had watched her daughter get ripped away from her, and she had probably been blamed as the reason why.

She wasn't crazy. She wasn't psychotic. She was just a woman who got sick sometimes, like Isak was a boy who got frustrated with her sometimes. He'd said a lot of stuff to her, about her, over the years. In moments of hurt frustration, after she'd done something or when he was scared. He'd talked a lot of shit, yes, but he loved her, more than anything. He spoke thoughtlessly. He wished he hadn't. She could very well be all he had left.

  
**II**

He didn't go to school on Thursday. He laid on the living room couch trying to call his dad between attempts at sleep that wouldn't come. He checked on his mom but she was still and silent. His dad's phone sent him straight to voicemail, and he left one after another, some begging, some demanding. None of them were returned.

Jonas: _Where are you?_

Jonas: _Sick?_

Jonas: _Dude_

Jonas: _Is everything okay?_

Isak: _Are you at school?_

Jonas: _Yeah where are you?_

Isak: _Can you skip?_

Jonas: _Yeah_

Isak: _Can I come to yours?_

Jonas: _Of course_

_I'll be out of class and home in 15_

Isak: _Ok_

He waited outside Jonas's apartment, bundled in jackets, until he saw Jonas approaching from the bus stop. “Hey, man,” he said, breathless, like he'd been running. He watched Isak carefully, frantically, searching his face for the problem. “What's wrong, are you okay?”

“My dad left again,” Isak said, dully, leaning back against the apartment building's wall.

“Okay,” Jonas said slowly. Isak had never really been upset about this after the first few times his dad had left and returned, so his confusion was rightly placed. He still said, “I'm sorry, man, that sucks,” with as much sympathy as he could.

“He took Lea,” Isak said, looking at his shoe scuffing against the sidewalk. “He won't let me talk to her. And he must have done it in front of Mamma because she's bad again. Won't look at me or talk to me, or eat anything.”

“He took Lea?” Jonas said after a moment. Isak nodded, finally looking up at him, and Jonas's expression looked as helpless as Isak felt.

Isak sighed. His breath frosted white in front of his lips. “Everything's shit, isn't it?”

“Fuck, Isak,” Jonas said. “Come inside, we'll figure it out.”

When they were sitting on Jonas's bed Isak said, “I've been trying to get in contact with him all day. I even considered going to Lea's school, but I don't think it'd help any.”

“No,” Jonas said thoughtfully. “But... how about you call Ann, when Cathrine gets home, and you can make sure Cathrine saw her at school? Make sure she looked alright?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. He had never called Ann back when he told her he would, so he shot her a quick text. His head hurt and he had to keep squeezing his eyes shut against the light of the phone screen.

Isak: _Sorry about last night. Lea's safe. She's with my dad._

Ann: _Don't worry about it darling_

_I'm here if you need anything_

Isak: _Can you call me when Cathrine gets home?_

Ann: _Yes of course_

Isak: _I just want to make sure she's at school today._

Ann: _No problem at all honey_

_It'll be okay Isak_

Isak: _Thank you_

“Are you okay, dude?” Jonas said, hand on his back. Jonas had always been there, through every crisis—barring Even—and he was there now, too, when Isak didn't deserve it.

Isak shrugged. He wasn't okay, because this was his fault. He wasn't okay because his sister was scared, and because she was scared his mom was scared, and Jonas was, and Ann and Cathrine were.

“Why'd he do this?” Jonas asked. His hand still moved over Isak's back, the way it had the first time his dad had left, the way it had when his mom had her first violent episode when they were only seven years old. “Did he tell you?”

“Said it was because she wasn't safe with my crazy, psychotic mom,” Isak said. He closed his eyes and rubbed his hands over them. They were so tired that they ached.

“Fucking asshole,” Jonas said.

“It's not that, though,” Isak said. “I think he just wants to... fuck with me, you know? He doesn't like having kids, if he did he wouldn't fucking leave them every few weeks. He's just taking her because he knows it'd hurt me. And my mom.” He was scratching at his jeans with his bitten fingernails, but he looked up and turned to Jonas. “Can we smoke?”

Jonas was up instantly. He was a selfless friend. Isak wondered what Jonas ever got in return, being friends with Isak. Seemed like an awful lot of stress for someone who only asked for babysitting help and emotional comfort without having much to offer in return. Regardless, Jonas said, “Sure, man, always,” because Jonas loved him in a way no one else did.

“Sorry for pulling you out of school,” Isak said as Jonas crossed the room.

Jonas was rifling through his dresser drawers for the bowl he had hidden among his t-shirts. “It's okay, don't worry about it. I'm nowhere close to the ten percent.”

“Fuck, I forgot about that,” Isak said, closing his eyes and putting his face in his hands, grinding the heels down. He'd missed school to take care of his mom, or if Lea was sick, or if he was hit by one of those unexplainable bouts of insomnia even when everything at home was okay. Those weren't really grounds for excused absences, not that he'd asked.

“It'll be fine,” Jonas said, sitting down with the packed bowl. “If you're worried we can have a word with the principal, he won't fight you on that.”

“Are you sure?”

“If you go up and tell him your dad left, I'm sure he'll let a few days of absences slide. He doesn't need to know that the guy leaves twice a month.” Jonas handed the bowl to Isak and he lit it with a long pull, falling back on the bed with his exhale.

“Why can't anything be easy, Jonas?” he asked, staring at the ceiling.

“I don't know, man. You were just dealt a real shitty hand.”

“I was, wasn't I?” Isak sighed. He wanted to get so high he couldn't move. Couldn't think. So high he had to sleep. “Everything's shit.”

“We'll figure it out, Isak,” Jonas said, laying down next to him on his back, head propped up on the pillows. “You and me, we always figure it out.”

  
**III**

Magnus: _Party tonight I've got the address_

Mahdi: _Yeah bois_

Magnus: _Meet at mine for predrinks?_

Jonas: _I think I might stay back._

Isak: _It's fine Jonas_

_Go_

Mahdi: _Still sick, Isak?_

Isak: _Yeah_

Jonas: _You gonna be okay?_

Isak: _I'll be fine_

Magnus: _You're not his nurse, man._

Jonas: _Fine. Predrinks at yours. What time?_

Magnus: _Eight or nine_

_Whenever_

Mahdi: _Sounds good bro_

Jonas: _I'll be there_

Isak had stayed at Jonas's all night, and only went home when Jonas left for school the next day. Isak had only slept for two hours when he was too high to stay awake any longer, but he was too stressed out to sleep for longer. Ann had called, and he'd spoken to Cathrine, who said that Lea was at school but she asked if Cathrine could talk to him, and have him come pick her up. She hadn't told Cathrine where she was staying, though, so Isak couldn't do much of anything except tell Cathrine to ask the next time they talked.

When he was home his mom hadn't moved on the bed at all, so he sat her up and forced her to drink a glass of water, leaving a second full glass on the bedside table with a pack of crackers.

Sana: _Are you ok?_

Sana: _You haven't been at school_

Sana: _What's wrong?_

Isak: _Just a bit sick_

Sana: _You sure?_

Isak: _Yeah, i'll be back in no time_

Sana: _I'll keep your homework for you._

Isak: _Thanks girl_

He didn't know his friendship with Sana worked, because both of them were so reluctant to show their feelings or admit weakness. But when it mattered, he knew that Sana was there, and he knew he could be there for her, when she let him. The first time they'd really talked was because she saw Isak crying; there wasn't much hiding after that.

He tried calling his dad a few more times, but was met without an answer. It's not like there was much he could do about it; his dad was Lea's guardian, whether or not he acted like it. Isak couldn't demand her return.

Ann: _How are you holding up?_

Isak: _It's alright_

Ann: _I can bring over some food for you if you'd like_

Isak: _It's okay. I think my mom needs some quiet._

Ann: _Of course, love_

Isak: _Thank you though_

Ann: _I've told Cath to ask Lea today_

_If you need help getting her back I'll drive you_

Isak: _Thank you so much_

_Really_

_For everything you've ever done for us_

Ann: _We love you both_

_If there's anything you ever need, tell me_

He tried to sleep. Got undressed and in bed and everything, closed the blinds and curtains and his eyes. His head was pounding and his eyes hurt and he'd avoided looking himself in the mirror all morning. He was under the covers for an hour trying to shut his mind off before he pulled his laptop onto the bed next to him and tried to drift off to the white noise of some cooking show.

When he couldn't sleep he went to check on his mom again and found her asleep with the sleeve of crackers half-eaten beside her. He wondered what his dad had said to her; it wouldn't have had to be much, she was always so sensitive to harsh words and actions when coming out of an episode. Rarely had it sent her into bed like this again.

He didn't know what to do. School was over, he had no reason to go on a walk like he would with Lea, he didn't feel up for grocery shopping like they probably needed. He didn't have the money for it, anyways, and his dad wasn't really contactable at the moment to transfer cash to his account.

He made himself a sandwich with peanut butter because they were out of everything else, and then made one for his mom that she probably wouldn't eat. He carried the Oreos up with him, just in case. Eating those was better than eating nothing.

The day was endless and he couldn't catch a break. Each hour passed too slowly and no activity held his focus.

So at ten o'clock he pulled on clean clothes and left the house for the address in the group chat. As soon as he was let inside, he went for the drinks on the kitchen counter and poured himself a cup of the first liquor he saw. He didn't let himself set the cup down until it was empty, and then he poured himself another. By the time he had weaved and pushed and tripped through the crowd to find somewhere to drink free booze in private, he was feeling the effects of the equivalent to five or six shots. He was lightheaded and unbalanced as he crashed into an empty corner of the living room and hoped he'd go unnoticed. He didn't want the boys to see him; he was supposed to be sick and unable to leave the house. He didn't want Jonas to see him because he'd worry. Maybe he should worry. Isak clearly wasn't okay.

This was the outcome of all the stress about everything that'd been building up for months, that'd reached a head over the past few days.

So he downed more alcohol, standing in the corner, until his vision went hazy and he tried to get outside for air.

“Whoa, shit,” someone said, catching him as he stumbled out the back door, and when Isak looked up and his gaze cleared he was met with Even's eyes. “Isak? Are you okay?”

“Don't touch me,” Isak said, pulling his arm out of Even's grasp. The door had closed behind him and the porch was empty in the cold. “You don't get to touch me anymore.”

“You're drunk,” Even said.

“No shit.”

Even's voice followed him as he walked to the end of the porch. “Is everything okay?”

Isak needed support for his shaky legs so he leaned back against the porch railings. Even's eyes were fixed on him.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked. “Why are you doing this?”

“I just want to get over everything,” Even said quietly. He seemed nervous. “I don't like how things ended.”

Isak scoffed. “Really? Neither did I, believe it or not.”

“Isak,” Even said, coming up close in front of him so that Isak had to look up to maintain the gaze. “I never lied to you. I swear to God.”

“Don't say that,” Isak said.

“It's true.” His voice was so... earnest. Isak hated it. He hated _him_.

“I trusted you,” Isak said, “so much. I trusted you more than anyone.”

Even only said, “I know,” in a voice that sounded almost pained. Urgent. “I trusted you, too, Isak.”

“But you lied to me.”

“I didn't. I swear. I didn't lie to you, not ever. Maybe there are things that both of us just... didn't know. There were things I didn't tell you. But everything I told you was true.”

Isak didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. He didn't care. He was done with passiveness, done with running. Even had hurt him the same way everyone in his life had, but more intimately. He was angry. He wasn't so scared anymore, wasn't so worried. He hadn't let himself be angry, and now he would.

“You knew how fucking weak I was,” Isak said, pushing him back. “You knew that. You knew things I'd never told anyone before. God, when you left, and I was just _waiting_ for you? I'm such a fucking idiot.”

“You're not an idiot, Isak!” Even almost yelled, exasperation in his tone. “Jesus, the way I felt about you was never a lie.”

“How can I believe that?” Isak yelled back. He was swaying on his feet. He felt so dizzy. “You spent all those months telling me I was perfect and then you left me as soon as you got what you wanted!”

“There are things you don't understand!”

“Then fucking _tell_ me!” Isak yelled. “Tell me, because I'll take anything other than knowing I wasn't what you wanted!”

Even just watched him, any momentary anger and desperation leaving his face. They stood in silence and stared at each other, chests rising and falling from the shouting, breath condensing in the space between them. Isak stumbled on his feet and hit his back against the railing. _Fuck_. It hurt.

“Let me take you home,” Even said.

“I don't want your help,” Isak said.

Even reached for his arm. “I just want to make sure you're safe.”

Isak moved away from him. “I said don't touch me.”

“You're too messed up to get home on your own. You could get hurt.”

“I'm not going home,” Isak said.

“What?”

“I said I'm not fucking going home, okay? Not everyone's got a perfect fucking home to go back to with their girlfriend and their dog, Even, I'm not going back.”

Even looked taken aback. “You have to go home, Isak,” he said.

“I don't,” Isak said.

“So, what, you're just gonna stay here at some Bakka third year's house?” Even asked. Isak didn't say anything. He didn't know that's where he was. Even sighed, watching him. He looked like he wanted to touch Isak again, haul him up so he was standing straight, but he didn't. “I can take you to Sana's.”

“No,” Isak said. “I don't want her to see me like this. She doesn't know about this.”

“About what?”

“About my home. My parents. I don't fucking know, I don't know what I'm saying.” His head hurt and he was confused and he was spilling more than he'd intended, he knew that, but he couldn't make himself stop.

“I can find Jonas,” Even offered.

“I don't want him to see me here,” Isak mumbled. “I don't need your help, I'll figure it out.”

“Why can't you go home?” Even asked carefully. Had Isak said something incriminating? Something only Jonas knew? Whatever. Tonight was without consequences. “What about your sister?”

“She's not there,” Isak said. He was so tired. He wanted to sleep. When he saw Even's expression he said, “I don't need your fucking pity, okay? I don't know what you think has changed, but it's not enough for me to forgive you.”

“I don't have pity for you, Isak, okay? I just.... Yes, things have changed. I'm... I'm seeing you again, and, fuck. I remember why I want you. When I see you now... you don't know how much I wish things could be different.” He shook his head. “We just... we're not good for each other.”

Isak was without breath; it'd left his body and he didn't know if it'd ever come back.

“Please let me take you home,” Even said. “We can talk.”

“I don't know what there is to talk about,” Isak said. “You fucked me and left.”

“It's more than that.”

“Not to me,” Isak said. He didn't have time to say more because the door behind them was opening and Jonas was standing there.

“Isak,” he said. “Fuck, Mahdi said he'd seen you. What are you doing here?”

“I don't know,” Isak said.

“You're fucking drunk, man,” Jonas said. “Let's go, you can come back to mine.” He eyed Even curiously as Isak made his way over to him.

“He was just helping me get some air,” Isak said. “Can we go?”

“Sure, bro.” Jonas put his arm around Isak's shoulders to steady him and started for the door. “Will your mom be okay without you for another night?”

“She won't get out of bed,” Isak said. “She'll be fine. I left her food. I'll check on her in the morning.” He looked over his shoulder at Even as he left, and Even watched him go.

  
**IV**

It was Tuesday before he went back to school. Monday was spent making up all the work he'd missed that Sana and Jonas had collected for him, and the weekend before had been spent nursing a hangover and thinking over Even's words.

When he walked into the schoolyard the boys were in a circle by the picnic tables where the girls were sitting.

“Hey, Isak,” Mahdi said, pulling him in for a hug. “Feeling better?”

He nodded, managing a smile. “Better.”

“You look a little bit like shit, still,” Magnus said.

“Thank you.” It was true, of course. When you go without sleep you tend to look like you've been without sleep, and Isak certainly looked that way. He slapped Magnus's hand, then nodded at Jonas with what was—maybe—a reassuring smile.

Sana left her friends and came up beside him. He gave her a one-armed hug around her shoulders as the rest of the groups looked at them. No one understood the friendship because no one understood how they became friends. They didn't know anything about what'd happened with Even, so there's no way they could know the circumstances surrounding the bond.

“You alright?” she asked. Anyone else would've missed the concern in her tone, but Isak knew how much of a softie she really was.

“Fine, Sana,” he said with a smile, less forced than the others.

“We should get to class, then, shouldn't we?” she asked. There was more to it than that, he could tell by her tone.

“Yeah,” he said. “Bye, guys.” Jonas clapped him on the back and he gave Mahdi a skirting high five before walking next to Sana through the school's front doors.

“You okay?” she asked again when they were alone in the science room, putting their backpacks down and sitting next to each other.

“I'm good,” he said.

“I'm not talking about being sick,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I mean... I know you talked with Even. I know he said some things. When he came around, he wished he hadn't.”

“Of course he did,” Isak said, fingernails scraping on the table. “I knew he didn't mean shit. Didn't mean what he said.”

“Even doesn't say things he doesn't mean, Isak,” she said. “I can't tell you everything but I can tell you that. He's not that kind of person. He came over and told me what you'd talked about, that you were mad and he was trying to explain. He wasn't upset because he didn't mean it, he was upset because he did.”

“I really....” He hefted a sigh and put his face in his arms on the tabletop. “I can't talk about this anymore, Sana. I don't know what to think. Everything's really fucked up right now and I don't need Even and all his shit on top of that.”

“What's really fucked up right now?” Sana asked.

“It's nothing,” he said, sitting back up and looking at her. “Family stuff. Don't worry about it. But... but I just can't deal with Even right now. Okay? Later, after everything's done, then maybe I can talk to him a little bit. But right now is just... it's not the time.”

Sana nodded thoughtfully, watching him as he pulled out his notebook even though the room was still empty. “If you need anything--”

“It's really not a problem,” he lied, trying a smile. “Everyone has family problems, right?” He had Jonas for his family problems and Sana for his boy problems. His life was compartmentalized like that. “Thank you, Sana,” he said. “You're a good friend. Who would've thought that when you found me a total mess, we'd end up here?”

“I guess we both have issues, don't we?” she said, nudging him with her shoulder.

“I think life just made sure we have issues,” Isak said. Students were beginning to filter in. “Life didn't want us to have it easy.”

Sana smiled. “You're a dork.”

“I am.”

“I can't believe we're friends.”

“But we are,” Isak said. “And someday we'll be husband and wife.”

Sana laughed and shook her head and said, “God, you know someone would be lucky to have you, don't you?”

He didn't answer, just smiled. Because no, he didn't know that. How could someone love him, how could someone ever think themselves lucky to wind up with him.

  
**V**

“That's a nice shirt,” Magnus said, pulling at the sleeve of Jonas's long-sleeve shirt. “Dude. Can I borrow this shirt?”

“I don't let people borrow my clothes anymore,” Jonas said, taking a bit of the cafeteria waffles. “Thank Isak for that. He never gives anything back.”

Isak looked up from his phone at his name being said.

“I'll give it back, though!” Magnus said.

“What do you need it for?” Jonas asked.

“Nothing, I just like it.”

“Fine. I'll give it to you the next time we hang out. But I want it back. I mean it.”

Isak had stopped paying attention and had focused back on his phone.

Isak: _Let me talk to her_

Isak: _Please_

Isak: _Mamma's a mess_

Isak: _Dad please_

He took a bite of the apple on the lunch table in front of him, only looking up when Jonas nudged him.

“You okay?” he asked quietly.

He nodded. “Fine.”

Ann: _Lea doesn't know where they're staying_

Ann: _She told Cath it was a hotel_

Ann: _She didn't know which one_

Ann: _I'm sorry Isak I wish there was more we could do_

Isak looked up and searched for Even across the cafeteria. He was there, at a table with the friends he'd garnered in his few weeks at Nissen, but he wasn't involved in any of the conversation. He was looking around the cafeteria absently, eyes drifting until they landed on Isak. Isak couldn't hold the gaze for long before his phone started buzzing in his hands.

_Incoming Call- Dad_

He shot up from the seat and grabbed his backpack without explanation, holding his phone to his ear as he left the cafeteria. “Hello?”

“Hi, Isak.”

He entered the bathroom and let the door swing shut behind him. “Hi.”

“I'm sorry for screening you,” he said. “You just... weren't calm enough to have a conversation at the time.”

Isak knew that fighting wouldn't get him anywhere, so he gave his dad what he wanted, even though it killed him. “It's okay.” This was a game. He had to play along to get anything he wanted.

“Lea's fine,” his dad continued. “She's going to school, still, of course.”

“That's good,” Isak said. “Where are you staying?”

“You don't have to worry, Isak,” he said.

“Dad. Please.”

“She needs to be in a stable home. Living with your mom isn't good for her.”

“Living in a hotel after being taken away from her family without saying goodbye isn't good for her, either.”

“I called so that we could have an adult conversation,” his dad said. “If you're only going to snap then we should give it more time before we have the conversation.”

“No! No, just... I just want to talk to her.”

The door to the bathroom opened and Isak didn't know what to do so he closed himself into a stall and tried to talk quietly.

“I just miss her. Please.”

“I want her to be able to get adjusted before she sees you again.”

“She won't be able to get adjusted if she's not able to have a little bit of closure. Just... I can come over right after school. Just to see her, I won't try to take her home, or anything, but I just want to talk to her. I can make her calm down, Dad, if she's scared I can fix it.”

“She's not scared.”

“Well then... adjusted, whatever, I can help her get adjusted. I just... I can help her, okay? She doesn't listen to anyone the way she listens to me.”

“She's fine, Isak,” he said. He sounded so desperately like he was trying to prove something. “She's just getting used to things.”

“How long are you planning on staying away?” Isak asked. The longest had been a month and a half. He didn't know if he could survive without his sister for that long.

His father paused before saying, “I don't know if we're coming back.”

“What?” Isak said. “You can't do that!” His voice was rising and it was gaining frustration laced with panic. “You can't do that! She can't grow up without her mom!”

“It'll be better for her to grow up without her mom, Isak! Are you kidding me? That woman has been terrible for you like she'd be terrible for Lea!”

“She wasn't! She's just sick! Please, Dad, please don't do this. You don't know what this will do to Mamma. She can't even get out of bed right now, what will happen to her if she finds out her daughter's never coming home?” He was crying. He didn't give a fuck.

“She'll be okay, Isak,” his father said. He sounded tired with the conversation. Like they'd had it too many times before.

“What about Lea?” Isak said. “She barely knows you, haven't you stopped to think about how she feels about it?”

“I'm thinking about what's best for her, not what she'll like best in this moment! Isak, I'm trying to keep her safe, I'm trying to do what's right.”

“This isn't good for her!” he said.

“I don't want Lea growing up with your crazy mother.”

“Mamma isn't crazy! Stop saying that!”

“Of course she's crazy, Isak! She's not safe to be around, you know that better than anyone! What if Lea walks through the door and gets hit with a picture frame? That wouldn't be okay!”

“That was an accident, and I'd never let it happen! You're forgetting that I'm here.”

“Look, I'm at work. I can't argue with you about this now. We can talk soon about you visiting her, but until then she'll stay with me.”

“No, don't hang up!” When he did, Isak cried, “You piece of shit,” as he rested his forehead against the metal of the stall door, tears drying on his cheeks. He left the stall, forgetting why he entered in the first place, and stopped in his tracks as he stared at Even in front of the sinks.

“I didn't mean to eavesdrop,” Even said quietly. “I just came in to see if you were okay.”

Isak wiped at his face with one hand. “Why?”

“Because of what you told me at the party. I don't know, you seemed upset as you left.”

Isak nodded and went to the sink to splash water on his face. He looked predictably like shit, when he caught his reflection. There was the puffiness from tears matched with the under eye bruises from lack of sleep.

“Is everything okay?” Even asked.

“Did everything sound okay?” He let out a breath when he saw Even's look. He was kind of being a dick for no reason, taking his frustration out on the closest person, the person who'd hurt him before but wasn't anymore. “It's just family stuff.”

“I got that much.”

“It's fine,” Isak said. “It's just.... It's no one's problem but mine. It'll be fine.”

“You don't always have to be okay, Isak,” Even said.

“You're just.... Right now you're not someone who I want to see me weak.” Isak shrugged, meeting his eye. “You really messed me up, and I know I don't know everything, I know you probably had your reasons but just... not now, okay? I can't do this now.”

Even nodded. “Okay. That's fine, that makes sense.”

Isak nodded, too.

“But we'll talk?” Even asked. “Later?”

Isak hesitated before saying, “Yeah. Later.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this had a lot of family stuff but a lot of even stuff too so hmm maybe i've satisfied everyone ;) love you guys <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow thank you all as always <3 love hearing from you and love knowing that you like it. so wonderfully surprised at the reaction to the last chapter!  
> this has been proofread even less than the other ones, so i'm really sorry :(  
> warnings for ableist language (very mild)

**I**

_Even had kissed down his neck and laid him back on the bed. He'd knelt between his legs and rocked his fingers inside, kissed breaths from his lips and curled his arms around his body when he pushed inside._

_Isak held onto his shoulders and breathed. He'd never done any of this before; half an hour ago he was kissing a boy for the first time, now he was fucking one. But it didn't feel rushed. It felt more right than anything._

_Even was so good to him. They were in a stranger's guest bedroom with a party raging below but Isak didn't notice anything but Even. Even kissing him, holding him, moving inside him. Nothing mattered but that._

_Even held him against his chest after they'd gotten half dressed again. He sat against the headboard and Isak laid halfway on top of him, one leg crossed over Even's as Even stroked a hand down his back and over his arm. He was trying not to freak out. Trying to think that, yes, he had just slept with a boy, but it wasn't bad. It wasn't the end of the world. No one knew, and even if they did, maybe he would be okay. Because nothing that felt this right and comfortable, nothing that felt as good as Even's palm between his shoulder blades, one rubbing over his thigh—that couldn't be wrong._

“ _I can't believe this,” Even said, kissing Isak's forehead. Isak looked up at him with a smile. “I've had a crush on you for so long. Since that first time I saw you at Elias's house.”_

“ _Really?” Isak asked, fingers on Even's chest._

“ _You were so fucking cute,” Even said._

“ _Mm. I_ was _?”_

“ _Well you_ are _, of course.”_

_Isak laughed and nestled into Even's neck. He wasn't even friends with Sana, really. He had gone over once to do a science project, and her older brother had been there with Even._

“ _You went out of your way to flirt with me,” Isak said._

_Even kissed his hair, arm tight around his waist. “I had to. I didn't know if I'd ever see you again, if I didn't flirt with you enough to make you accept my friend request.”_

“ _I didn't know you were flirting,” Isak said. “Not then.”_

“ _That's okay,” Even said. “I didn't know if you were into boys, but I figured I'd try.”_

“ _I didn't know, either,” Isak said, smiling against his skin._

“ _Did you get your answer?”_

_Isak laughed. “Yes. I think I did.”_

_Even rubbed his back. “Good. That's good.”_

“ _I don't know if I'm... ready for everyone to know, though,” Isak said, not looking at him. “I'm just not.... I just don't know if it's good, right now. If it would be good for me.”_

“ _That's okay, baby,” Even said. “We have time.”_

 

**II**

Isak stared down at his phone, then glanced up and searched the cafeteria until he found Even already watching him, holding his cell in his hands. Isak looked back down at the screen as his friends spoke around him.

Even: _When can we talk?_

He hadn't seen a text from that number in months. The last one before today had been, _I'll see you at the party_. The party where they kissed. The party where they fucked. The party where even left him. In the months past, he had considered deleting the contact from his phone altogether. It was so painful to see their texts together, the flirting friendship, the sweet compliments. But he never deleted Even, or the old conversations. He just stopped looking at them, and tried to forget they existed.

He looked back up and Even was watching him with raised eyebrows.

Isak: _It's not a good time_

He saw Even glance down at his phone, saw his brow furrow as he started typing out a response.

Even: _Are you ok?_

Isak: _I'm not ready for this yet, Even_

Even: _Okay. I'm sorry._

Isak: _Thank you for trying_

_Just give me more time_

_Nothing's right in my life right now. It's just not the right time._

Even: _Sure_

_Of course_

He watched Even set his phone face down on the table in front of him and join the conversation with his friends with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

He knew that there were reasons for Even doing what he'd done. He'd known that all along, but he believed it now. He was just... afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle what the reason was. Not right now, not when everything else was so out of his control.

But once everything was sorted out, he'd listen. He was ready to listen, he thought, because Even was ready to talk.

Isak: _Why now? What's changed?_

Even: _What do you mean?_

He looked across the cafeteria again at Even, bent over the phone and awaiting a reply.

Isak: _Do you only want to talk because you've seen me upset?_

_Because I really don't want pity_

_I need to know that something's actually changed_

_Not just that you feel bad for me._

Even: _It's not that. I promise._

Isak: _Then what?_

The answer didn't come as quickly as the others had. He saw Even type a few words and then stop, saw the bubbles on his screen appear and disappear for minutes.

Even: _There are just things about you I didn't know. I misjudged you. And now when I'm seeing you again I'm seeing you everywhere. I see you with Sana and your sister and your friends and you're just so kind and loving and it isn't what I thought of you before._

Isak couldn't think. What had he done that night, what had changed? He barely remembered what they'd spoken about after sex, only that he was happy and sleepy and Even had the tightest hold on him. He had done something to make Even believe he was bad for him, something serious enough to negate the months they'd known each other, the months they'd texted and met up at parties and smoked together.

But Even had lied to him. Or... he thought he had. About breaking up with Sonja, about wanting him?

Stop it.

It wasn't time for that now.

Isak: _Can I talk to Lea?_

Dad: _I don't think that's a good idea_

Isak: _Just on the phone_

Dad: _Not yet Isak_

Isak: _Please_

He waited a few minutes for an answer that didn't come.

Isak was shocked by how much he missed her. He hadn't noticed how every little part of his life revolved around her, reminded him of her. He sometimes forgot that she was gone, for a few minutes at a time. It just made it worse when he remembered.

Isak: _Can you at least transfer money for food?_

Dad: _I'll do it now_

He didn't like relying on his father like this. But he was playing nice until the decision was made. Until he either got Lea back or lost her for good. He just needed to cooperate, humor him, make him think he was winning.

And he was winning, wasn't he? He was getting what he wanted. He was in control again.

“Hey,” Jonas said, nudging him with his elbow. Isak looked up, locking his phone and setting it down.

“What?”

“Want to go out for pizza? When we're done?”

“No, I've got a class after you're all done.”

“Just skip it,” Magnus said.

“I can't skip it,” Isak said back. “It's with Sana, she would kill me. Anyways, I don't have a lot of extra time to take off before I hit ten percent, I don't want to waste that getting pizza.”

“What would you do instead with it?” Mahdi asked.

“I don't fucking know, stay home and sleep.”

“Yeah, it looks like you need it,” Magnus said.

“Fuck off.” He was well aware that he looked terrible. Matched how he felt. He didn't need the reminder. “You guys go and have fun, I don't care. I just can't skip science. I already missed a ton of school from being sick, anyways.”

“And you don't want to face the wrath of Sana,” Mahdi said.

“Sana's terrifying,” Magnus said in his defense. “I definitely wouldn't fuck with her.”

“See? I'm going to class.”

There were the usual general calls of _loser_ from all of them, but they were certainly pulling their punches. His looking like shit helped them see that he was probably not in the best headspace for the usual friendly abuse they threw at each other. Jonas knew better than to push him too hard. Isak had burst into tears the last time he stayed at Jonas's house, because the realized he'd forgotten to pack his toothbrush.

Everything was just a bit too much at the moment.

He caught Even's eye across the room again and Even gave him a small smile. It was the first time Isak was really able to return it, even halfheartedly.

He was trying. It was more than Isak could say for himself.

  
**III**

“Where is she! Where's my daughter!”

Things were breaking upstairs. His mother's screams were muffled by the closed door and the floor between them. Isak was on the couch trying to rest, because it was too loud in his bedroom.

“They took her!” he heard. “They took her away and they're keeping her held!”

He pulled the pillow over his head and closed his eyes. He was so tired. So fucking tired.

There was a crash and he hoped she wouldn't step on broken glass. He didn't know that there was anymore glass left in her bedroom to break and he felt exhausted just at the prospect of cleaning it up.

Usually he would be able to handle this. Usually he'd wait it out like he had a hundred times before, he'd go into her room and ease her into bed without complaint when she was done.

But now....

This had happened before. The frustration was too much and he said things he didn't mean. It was half the reason why he was downstairs, so that he wouldn't charge into her room and yell, like he had before. It didn't ever fix anything, just made guilt rise. What was almost worse, though, was what he said to others when his mom was like this. He'd called her a million things he didn't mean to Jonas, who was versed enough at this point to _know_ he didn't mean them. When he was overwhelmed he had little tact.

It happened at times like this. When everything else in his life was gone to shit. When his father left the first time, when his sister was sick and needing his help, when his insomnia flared. When on top of everything, he came home to his mother's tirade.

He hated himself afterwards, when he had gotten sleep and the sleep had cleared his head. He apologized to his mom even if she hadn't known that he'd done anything wrong, if he'd called her something mean behind her back. Nothing could make up for that—it was only misdirected anger and frustration and sleeplessness, but he felt himself unforgivable. He was bad about that, he was easily overwhelmed, he wished his mom would stop making so much _fucking_ noise but she was and yelling at her wouldn't fix it and calling her crazy wouldn't fix it. It never had in the past and it wouldn't now.

So he hid himself in the couch cushions and tried to work out a rhythm in her fit, tried to be lulled into rest from some kind of pattern to her actions. But there wasn't one, and he couldn't be, so he ended up just laying there, waiting for it to be over.

He'd tried to do homework but he was falling behind so quickly that the prospect of catching up made him want to cry. He'd tried to cook but knowing that no one would eat it but himself made it seem pointless. He'd talked to Jonas on the phone for a while, but the noise was too loud and he kept getting distracted. So now he laid on the couch and stared at some cartoon on the TV that he could only hear soundbites of because his mom was screaming upstairs.

The cops had been called on them before and Isak had to explain that there was no domestic situation other than his mom's mind playing tricks. The officer asked to see his father and he'd lied and said that he was on a business trip.

But the neighbors had learned. It didn't happen often and it didn't last for long and there was nothing Isak could do to stop it without consulting a professional that his dad claimed she didn't need.

Around midnight it stopped, and he went upstairs to check on her. She was already on the bed. She was crying. The shattered glass was from the mirror and he had to walk around the shards to sit on the bed next to her.

“It's bad luck,” she said, not looking at him.

“What is?”

“The mirror.”

“Oh, that's okay,” he said, rubbing her back. “I can clean it up.”

“It's bad luck,” she said again. Her voice was monotonous. “She's gone now. We can't get her back.”

“Lea? Sure we will, Mamma. Luck doesn't mean anything. I'll get her back.”

  
**IV**

“Dude,” Jonas said in the schoolyard as they were waiting for Magnus and Mahdi. Isak had approached looking like hell, up all night with his mom.

“Yeah?” Isak asked, rubbing at one eye.

“You have to sleep,” Jonas said. “You can't keep doing this.”

“Well if I could sleep don't you think I would?” Isak asked. “It's not really up to me. I would love to sleep.”

“If you need to you can always come to mine,” Jonas said. “My parents love you. Thea loves you.” He bumped his shoulder into Isak's. “Cuddling makes it easier to sleep. That's science.”

“You're full of shit,” Isak said with a barely-there smile.

“I am not! It releases some cuddly hormone in your brain or something.”

“Cuddly hormone?”

“But seriously,” Jonas said. “Why don't you come by my house tonight?”

“I can't, my mom's not doing good. I should stay with her.”

“Then how about I come spend the night?”

“Jonas,” he sighed.

“You don't have to do everything yourself. You can... accept help.”

“I'm fine,” Isak said with a smile. “I promise. I swear.” He put his hand over his heart and nodded once as the other boys approached.

“Shit, Isak,” Mahdi said. “Are you okay? Are you getting sick again?”

Okay, he was aware that he looked crappy, but he didn't know it was to the extent that would make Mahdi, the most tactile of all his friends, mention it without preamble.

“No, but thank you for that,” Isak said.

“It's not much of a stretch, man,” Magnus said. “You look... rough.”

“I have great friends,” he said. “Really. Fuck you guys.”

“Just looking out for you, babes,” Magnus said, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “You should skip and take a nap.”

“Why are you always trying to make me skip school? I don't have enough days to miss.”

“When we wanted you to skip last time you said you'd only skip to sleep,” Magnus said. “That was my suggestion, what's wrong with that?”

“He has a point,” Mahdi said.

“He's clever, our Mags,” Jonas said, clapping him on the back. “Let's go inside, it's fucking cold.”

While Isak was fighting with his locker like he did five times every day, and Jonas was opening his with ease a few feet over, Magnus and Mahdi stood between them talking. Well, Magnus talked. Mahdi stared at him, sipping from his coffee cup.

“I just really think that a dude would be better at sucking dick than a girl, don't you think?” Magnus said, pressing the digits on the locker closest to him until it made him start over. “Like, they know what you'd like, right? They know how it'd feel.”

“Why are you asking me this?” Mahdi said.

“I don't know,” Magnus said.

Isak's locker door flew open and everything tumbled to the ground. “Fuck.”

“You're a mess, dude,” Magnus said as Mahdi crouched to help him pick his books up.

Yeah. He was.

In biology with Sana he almost fell asleep against the tabletop.

“What's wrong with you?” Sana asked, tapping him on the knee to wake him up. He leaned back in the chair, tilting his head to the ceiling, and rubbed his hands rough over his face.

“I'm just tired. Aren't you tired?”

“No, I go to bed at a reasonable time.”

“Don't rub it in,” Isak said.

“Hey, how's Lea?” Sana asked. “My mamma was asking about her the other night, thought you two should come over for dinner again sometime. You know Elias loves her.”

Isak smiled a little at that, despite the underlying sadness. He'd had to bring Lea to Sana's house more than once during a studying session, but instead of hanging around Isak the whole time, she was taken under Elias's wing. Or rather forced her way under; she wasn't one for waiting to get offered what she wanted.

“Maybe we'll do that,” he said. And maybe they would, if he could get her back. But Sana didn't know that she was gone at all. “Tell Mamma Bakkoush thank you.”

“Mamma Bakkoush loves you.”

“Well who wouldn't?”

“Don't start with me, Valtersen.” She smiled and turned back to the front of the room. “You sure don't get a lot of sleep for someone who doesn't do shit.”

“I've been staying up watching some British baking show,” he said. “I thought it'd bore me to sleep but I'm kind of invested in it now.” Half true. When he already couldn't sleep, he would watch this show, but he was mostly kept up by stress and by his mother.

“Wow,” she said. “What a fucking dork. I can't believe this.”

Isak just smiled at her and tried to stay awake for the rest of the class.

During lunch he didn't participate in the conversation. He reread the last of his father's texts updating him on Lea's wellbeing: doing great, doing wonderful, adjusting well. And if it was true, no matter how much it might hurt, then great. All he wanted was her happiness. But he didn't trust his dad to tell him the truth. His father wanted to win the game he was playing.

Even: _You kind of look like shit._

Isak looked over the cafeteria and caught Even's eye. Even winked, a small smile on his face.

Isak: _That's not a great way to win my favor back_

When he looked up again Even was smiling fully at his phone.

Even: _That's true._

_What I said was also true, though._

_Is anything getting better?_

Isak: _Not really. It will. It's fine._

Even: _Okay. I'll wait._

Isak was smiling softly down at his phone, now. The way he once had.

Isak: _Thanks_

It was after school that he got the call. He was reluctant to answer his dad, but he had to play along. So he did.

“Hello?”

“Issy?”

He stopped walking, halfway to the tram stop.

“Lea?” he asked, as if for confirmation. “Oh my God, love, where are you?”

“I don't know,” she said. She was sniffling. She was crying. He couldn't handle it when she cried. “I'm with Dad. He let me call you. I miss you.”

“Baby girl I miss you, too. So much. Oh my God, please ask Dad if I can come see you. Don't say you want me to take you home--”

“But I want to come home!”

“I know, Lea! I know, love, I just need you to pretend for me, okay? I'll get you home. I promise. But you need to just tell Dad that you want to talk to me. Just that you want to see me.”

“And you'll bring me home?”

“I will. I'll bring you home.”

“Does Mamma miss me?” Lea asked. Her voice was shaky and small and uncertain. Isak wanted to hold her, to have her in front of him. He wanted to dry her tears. He wanted her safe and with him.

“Mamma misses you so much,” Isak said. “She wants you home, she wants to hug you. I want you home, too, baby girl, and I'm working on it, I promise.” He took a breath. He couldn't start crying now, not when he had her, and he could comfort her for the first time in a week. “How is it with Dad, Lea? Are you okay?”

“I just want to come home.”

“I know, baby, I just need you to tell me that you're okay. Dad's being nice?”

She sniffled and said, “Yes,” like she was confused as to why he was asking. “It's nothing wrong with Dad, Issy, I just want to come home. Please, can't I?”

“Of course you can! Yes, of course you can, you belong at home. I just want to make sure you're alright. I miss you so much, Lea, you don't even know. I can't wait to see you.”

She was crying so hard, now, and there was nothing he could do.

“I'm so sorry, baby, I wish there was something I could've done. But I promise you I'll fix it. Tell me something nice. Tell me how school's going, what are you reading?”

“ _A Wrinkle in Time,_ ” she said.

“Yeah? Do you like it?”

“Yes. I like the... witch lady.”

He had no idea who she was talking about. If he had ever read the book he had forgotten everything. “That's great. And what about math? What are you doing in there?”

“We're multiplying two numbers with... what's it called when it's not nine, but, like, ten, or eleven?”

It took him a second to get it and say, “Double digits?”

“Yeah. Yeah, double digits.”

“How's that going?”

“It's hard. I don't get it.”

“Well maybe when I come see you I can help you. Would that be okay?”

“Yes. That'd be okay.”

“Okay, great, Lea. That'll be good. Talk to Dad, okay, and I'll talk to Dad, too, and hopefully I can come see you soon.”

“And take me home?”

“Maybe not this time, love, but soon. I swear to God. I will get you home, Lea. Okay? I promise. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Talk to me, girlie. Tell me what's going on. Tell me happy things.”

They were on the phone for an hour, and then Lea told him that she had to go. This was almost worse than if she'd never called at all. Saying goodbye to her, like this, was the hardest thing he'd ever done.

“I love you so much. Okay? Remember that?”

“I will,” she said.

  
**V**

Isak waited impatiently at the park bench, foot tapping and leg bobbing against the sidewalk. All bundled up in a beanie and a scarf and a hoodie beneath his jacket. He checked over his shoulders and then faced forward again, checked his phone to see if he'd gotten the time right.

And then he saw her coming across the park, next to their dad, and he stood up.

She didn't run, she stayed by her dad's side, but when she saw Isak she started bouncing on her feet, a smile on her face, and when she was a few feet away she did run and Isak picked her up in the tightest hug he'd ever given.

“Hi, Lea!” he said, holding her monkey-wrapped around him. “Oh my God, I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” she said into her neck. “I want to come home.”

“I know. I know you do. I want you to come home, too.”

He put her down and she stood at his side, holding onto his arm as he turned back to their dad. “Hey, Dad.”

He nodded in greeting, hands in his pockets. “How's your mom?” he asked.

Isak shrugged, rubbing Lea's back with one hand. “She's not well. Um... I'm trying. But she thinks that someone took Lea. You know, 'they' took her.” Lea held tighter onto him and he hugged her with one arm. “But she's... okay, I guess. She had an episode a few days back, but other than that she's been in bed.” It was so disheartening, because she'd been getting better before Lea was taken. Her version of better always had a bit of fanaticism, a bit of eccentricity, but it was okay. When she was better she could cook and bake like she loved to do, she could sit in the sun in the backyard. If she still sent biblical texts to Isak throughout the day and insisted he and Lea attend church with her, then he could handle it.

“Want to sit down, love?” Isak asked, stroking through Lea's hair as he looked down. She nodded and they moved to the bench together. Lea tucked herself under Isak's arm and Isak kissed the top of her head. “How've you been?” he asked.

“Good,” she said. But she was eight. Eight-year-olds always answer that question the same way.

“That's good.” He glanced up at his dad. He didn't know how this conversation was supposed to progress. “I brought you some stuff from home. Some stuffed animals and some more clothes.”

“I thought I could come home,” Lea said quietly, looking up at him.

Isak looked pleadingly up at his father, but his father just looked away.

“Not today, Lea,” Isak said. “I'm sorry. I want you to, but not today. Me and Dad have to talk a little more.”

She started to cry and Isak hated it. It was the most painful thing in the world, to know that he was half the cause. “It's okay, baby girl,” he said, pulling her against his chest. “It's just a little bit longer. I'll figure it out.”

“I miss Mamma,” she sobbed. “I miss Mamma and my room and I miss you, Isak, I want to come home.”

“I know. I want you to come home, too. I do, I promise. But it's just not time yet, okay? Can you just wait a little bit longer for me? You're doing so well. You're being so brave.”

“I don't want to.”

“Please, just be good for Dad, okay? Just a little longer?” He looked up at his dad again but he wasn't looking. Isak hated him in that moment more than he thought he ever had.

“How much longer?” she asked.

“I don't know. Not too long.”

“Can I at least see Mamma?”

“How about I have Mamma call you, okay?” he suggested, hugging her close. He didn't know if his mom would be able to handle that—she didn't really trust voices over the phone, he wasn't sure if she would know that it was actually Lea on the other end. But he would try.

“Okay,” Lea said. She sat up and wiped her eyes. Her little face was flushed pink. “Can you braid my hair? I can't do it myself.”

He smiled. “Of course I can. How do you want it?”

“Pigtails.”

“Okay. Turn around.”

He asked her about school as he combed his fingers through her hair and separated it into long strands. He asked her how Cathrine was, and all her friends. Asked her about her schoolwork and what books she was reading. Anything to distract her.

He was tired. He was upset and exhausted and he was about to lose his sister again.

“We've got to go,” his dad said, after about an hour of sitting out in the cold. He hadn't said anything in the time they'd all been together. He'd only stood with them as they talked, presumably to make sure Isak didn't run off with her.

“Okay,” Isak said, standing up. Lea stood up with him. “Be good, Lea. Listen to Dad. I'll see you soon.”

“I don't want to--”

“I know,” he said, picking her up in a hug. “Just a little bit longer.”

“Okay,” she said.

Isak set her down and handed the bag he had packed to his dad. He kissed her cheek and gave her a hug. “I'll miss you.”

“Me too.”

“I love you.”

“Me too.”

When they had gone, Isak stayed sitting on the bench. He didn't want to go home. It was so empty and quiet, with Lea gone and his mom in bed. He wasn't ready to face it. So he sat in the cold for a little bit, watching people pass on bikes and with babies in strollers. He left to get a coffee and then came back, sipping and staring. There were some kids playing soccer and some teenagers on skateboards. It was pretty crowded for the low temperature. Isak didn't ever think that people watching would be something he would like, but it was calming, when everything else was moving so quickly, to watch people in these few fleeting moments of their lives.

Even sat down next to him, his dog laying at their feet.

“How are you?” he asked.

Isak shrugged, still looking out over the expanse of the park. He wasn't really surprised to see him.

“Did something happen?” Even asked, after a moment of not talking.

Isak pursed his lips as he thought about whether or not to answer it. “I just saw my sister.”

“That's good.”

“I guess.” He leaned forward and rubbed the dog's head. It licked at his fingers and he pulled them back to wipe on his jeans. Even smiled at the motion.

“Hey,” Even said, nudging him with his shoulder, and Isak looked up at him. “I'm really sorry if this thing with us is... adding to your stress, or anything.”

“That's okay,” Isak said. “Everything that happened with us was half my fault.” He was starting to believe it more.

“Just a misunderstanding, I think,” Even said. “Or... a bunch of little misunderstandings, maybe.”

“Maybe.”

“I know you're probably not ready to talk right now,” Even said. “I know you said it's not the right time. But things are starting to... things are changing, you know? I just want to tell you that I think talking is important. As soon as you can.”

Isak gave him a small smile. Without as much animosity between them in this past week, everything was less heavy now than it would have been a month ago. It was just one less thing that was weighing on him. “Okay,” he said.

Even stood up. “Whenever you're ready,” he said, and Isak watched him go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me here or on my tumblr (@supermansplaining) you guys are the best and i love love love hearing your thoughts and answering your questions about the fic or myself or anything at all <3 i reply to all my comments and i have my ask box open :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'll's comments really give me life. some of them make me smile so hard, and some make me happy that i'm getting through to people and relating to them. idk i just love hearing from ya'll so thank you so much. as always not proofread. my tumblr is @supermansplaining and your asks make my day and i love you all so much!

CHAPTER 7

 

**I**

“Go get snacks,” Sana said, throwing a pencil at him. He jerked out of his trance and looked at her.

“This is your house.”

“But you're not actually doing any work,” she said. Which was true. “So go get snacks. Anything from the pantry.”

“Fine,” he said, rolling off of her bed and heading downstairs.

Even was standing at the kitchen counter, his back to Isak. Isak didn't know he was over, but he wasn't surprised, either. Isak stood in the doorway watching him move around the kitchen like he belonged there. Like he'd been there all his life.

“Hey,” he said, and Even turned around, sleeves pushed to his elbows, and smiled.

“Hey. What's up?”

“Sana sent me to get snacks,” Isak said. He moved to stand next to him at the counter. “What are you making?”

“Cheese toast,” he said, pulling pieces of bread out of its bag. “Do you want some?”

Isak considered the ingredients on the counter. “Okay.”

“Alright,” Even said, reaching for Mamma Bakkoush's spice rack. “You gotta tell me what spices to put on it.”

“It's not exciting if you don't use them all,” Isak said, leaning in to read what was written on the jar Even was holding. Sumac. What the fuck was that.

“All the spices?” Even asked, laughing. “Have you heard of all the spices in the Bakkoush house? They don't mess around.”

Isak managed a smile that fell easily, gaze dropping to the floor. He wanted to smile, he really did. This had nothing to do with Even, not really.

Even watched him for a moment, then said, “Here, sit down,” pulling a chair over from the kitchen table with his foot hooked around one of the legs. “I'll make them.”

Isak looked at him, then sat. “Don't make them gross. Sana would kill me. She needs to feed her brain so that she can help me with homework.”

“I thought you were the master of science?” Even asked, scraping some cheese onto one of the pieces of bread.

“That was a long time ago,” Isak said. “That was the first time we met.”

“Was that the first time?” Even asked, turning to him. Isak gave him a nod and a half smile. “I knew it was early on but... yeah, it was the first time, wasn't it?”

“We talked a lot the first time we met,” Isak said, watching his profile as Even turned back to his task.

“Yeah, we did.” Even turned for long enough to shoot him a smile. The tension broke when he said, “So, what, you're not the master of science anymore?”

“I'm still the master,” Isak said. “Intelligence-wise. My... ability to complete assigned work has gone downhill, I'd say.”

Even laughed. “That tends to happen the closer to graduation you get.”

Isak smiled. “Not to me. It's not.... It's just everything that's going on. Sana's let me copy a few of her worksheets but it just makes me more confused.”

“I wish I could help,” Even said, “but I'm useless at science.”

“Yeah, I know,” Isak said, smiling. It was weak and halfway there, but it was genuine. Even's own smile faltered at the sight. He turned back to the food in front of him before speaking again.

“I was never really close to Sana before I met you,” Even said. “I mean, she was just my friend's sister. I knew her, just not very well. But then I met you that first time, you know, and kept bugging her, asking about you?” He glanced over briefly before going back to building the cheese toasts, as if he was nervous. He cleared his throat. It was... endearing, seeing him nervous again, like he had been before. “Of course she told me you weren't.... She said you had a girlfriend, you know.”

Isak nodded, even though Even wasn't looking. Sara. That was one hell of a beard, resulting from a drunken toilet bowl blowjob. It didn't last long.

“But then we kept talking, and everything,” Even continued, still making the food. It was taking forever, probably purposefully so, but Isak didn't mind. He was sure Sana wasn't missing his presence in her room, either. “And I just didn't care if you didn't give a shit about me. Even if nothing happened, I'd keep talking and flirting and everything.”

“But something did happen,” Isak said, and he hadn't meant for it to fall so heavily between them, but it did. Even moved the bread to the oven and then leaned on his elbows over the counter.

“A lot happened,” Even said.

Isak looked at his back, at his gray hoodie with the sleeves pulled up, and the hood over his hair. “Yeah. A lot happened.”

Even turned back to him, leaning against the counter behind him. They looked at each other and didn't say anything for a long moment.

“I'm sorry,” Isak finally said. “For... for hating you. I didn't know everything. I shouldn't have judged--”

“Isak,” Even said. “You didn't do anything. Okay? You were trying to forget about it, I was the dick who kept... bringing it up. It just. It hurt, I guess. What happened. I wanted you to hurt, too, and I hate that I wanted that.” He paused before saying, “Especially when I know now that you're already hurting. You probably were the whole time.”

Isak didn't know how to respond to that. He didn't want to go into depth about his problems, and he didn't want Even to start spilling his. He wasn't ready, he wasn't at any capacity to handle it.

But Even didn't say it. He just said, “You're reminding me every day why I wanted you in the first place.”

His breath hitched and his heart sped and his mouth went dry but more than anything, he just thought about Even telling him he'd broken up with his girlfriend. Even kissing her the day after he'd kissed Isak.

Isak had been hurt. He'd been hurt, and Even had been the one who hurt him. No matter what happened, no matter what Isak may have done to deserve it, it didn't change the fact that it'd hurt him. He'd trusted someone with this deepest part of himself, and it was rejected.

He considered telling Even that he needed to go back to Sana. He considered just walking away while he had the courage. But he had told himself that he was going to work on this. That they were going to figure it out, when it was the right time.

“I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this,” Isak said, instead of everything he could've said. “I'm sorry. Just not yet.”

“You're right,” Even said, nodding. “You're right.” He pulled out the toasts from the oven and put two on one paper plate and two on another. “I don't mind waiting. Really.”

Isak smiled as he took the plate from his hand, and he was still smiling when he got back to Sana.

  
**II**

“Hey Lea,” he said into the phone. He hoped she could understand that there was a smile on his face, one of the few real ones in days. “How are you?”

“Good,” she said. “Have you talked to Dad? About letting me come home?”

It's all he'd been doing, really. He couldn't focus on anything else.

“I'm trying really hard, baby girl, I promise.”

“Okay.” She just sounded so sad. Isak hated it.

“Do you want to talk to Mamma?” he asked, and her voice was noticeably perked when she said, “Yeah.”

“Okay, hold on.” He left his bedroom and knocked lightly on his mother's door. “Mamma?” He pushed the door open and peered inside. “Mamma, are you awake?” He walked in further as she was sitting up. “I have Lea on the phone. Do you want to talk to her?”

His mom looked at him in disbelief. “Lea?” she asked after a minute.

“Yeah, she's on the phone, do you want to talk to her?”

She smiled and held out her hand. “Yes.”

Isak sat next to her as she brought the phone to her ear, scooting up to rest against the pillows.

“Hi, baby,” his mom said with tears in her eyes. “Hi, Lea, sweetheart, I miss you, baby.”

He watched her wipe her eyes as she listened. “I do, baby, I miss you so much. How are you? Are you okay? Oh, I'm so glad, baby. I want you home, too, I know. I know.”

While she was talking, blissfully occupied, smiling for the first time in weeks, he pulled out his phone to text his father.

Isak: _Have you considered it any more?_

Dad: _I'm thinking about it_

Isak: _I really don't think she's better without us_

Dad: _I think she will be in the future_

Isak: _She's talking to Mamma now and she sounds so happy_

Dad: _It's just what she's used to. She'll adjust._

Isak: _You've been saying that for over a week and she hasn't yet_

_I don't want her to be sad, Dad_

Dad: _I told you I'm thinking about it_

_And I am_

Isak: _Ok._

_Can I see her again soon?_

_Maybe you can bring her by so she can see Mamma?_

Dad: _I'll consider it._

Isak: _Ok._

He was so frustrated. Ridiculously frustrated. He didn't understand why his life couldn't just have one thing going right, one thing that wasn't hard.

He missed his sister and he missed seeing his mom smile and he fucking missed sleeping through the night. He was tired. Couldn't the universe see that? Couldn't someone somewhere just cut him some slack?

When his mom had hung up and gone to sleep, Isak sat at his window and smoked pot until he felt tired enough to fall asleep. It was the only way he could right now. He knew it was messed up; what could he do about it? He couldn't rest naturally unless his mind was at peace and he wouldn't be at peace until his sister was back. At least. True peace would come from Lea's return, his father's disappearance, working things out with Even, and getting his mother help. Maybe even telling Jonas about himself, about what'd happened when he was sixteen, everything with Even, everything he'd told Sana, or she'd found out for herself.

He wasn't sure of very much right now. Wasn't sure if Lea would come back. Wasn't sure what the deal with Even was. Wasn't sure what Sana knew.

So he got as high as he could handle and laid down in bed and fell into deep, blissful, much-needed sleep, where he didn't dream about anything.

  
**III**

Mahdi and Magnus said he was being a bummer. Magnus was the one who used the word bummer, but Mahdi agreed. They didn't know the reason, of course, they didn't know that they were being a bit insensitive. But Isak wasn't getting anywhere with his dad and his mom was doing at least a little better after talking to Lea, so he could do to forget for a few hours.

After drinking at Mahdi's place for a while—Isak mostly silent, listening—they made their way to some first year's house where Isak could get properly wasted.

It wasn't a good idea. It was something he wouldn't realize until the next morning when he was looking back on the night, but it wasn't a good idea. Because there were so many things going wrong in his life, and alcohol kind of only made him more aware of it.

He'd seen Even across the living room in the first few minutes, but they'd only exchanged some casual glances before Isak got wasted. Which he did. He did shots. He drank beers. He smoked with the boys. He kept looking at Even and Even kept looking back.

He didn't know what he felt for him now. Once it was affection and then something close to love. It was desire and then heartbreak and then something near hate. Now it was... a limbo. Something in between everything. He didn't hate Even, not anymore. He didn't want him, he didn't think, there wasn't the kind of desire he recognized from the first time around. There wasn't animosity.

Maybe it was just leftover hurt. Because it still hurt, when he thought about it. Maybe it was just a desire for the tension to end. All he knew was that he didn't want to hate Even. He'd never wanted to hate Even.

He wanted a reason for what had happened, an explanation besides not being good enough. And then he wanted to forget about it for a while so that he could heal from it. Even had a girlfriend. Even had hurt him. Even had been rude to him, harsh to him, and it was painful to think about that, too.

But he did want to talk. When he was sufficiently drunk, he had questions that he wanted answers to.

So he made eye contact with Even again, like he had been for the past few hours, and nodded sideways to the door before heading towards it himself.

There were a few people in the backyard smoking cigarettes on the porch, so Isak went towards the fence and leaned against it. He felt good. Drunk and tired and good.

“Hey, you alright?” Even asked, stopping in front of him. He had a little smile on his lips. “This is becoming a pattern for us.”

“Did you really break up with Sonja?” Isak asked. Even, in the vague light from the streetlamps at the road behind them, looked surprised by his question. “When you told me you broke up with her. Two weeks before we slept together. Did you really do it?”

He nodded, looking a little trapped. “Yes. I never lied to you.”

“So why'd you go back to her?” Isak asked. “It was less than twenty-four hours. You had just had sex with me, you left, and you went back to her. Why?”

Even looked nervous and conflicted. “We shouldn't talk about this now, Isak, you're drunk. And you've said that you wanted to wait until things were better for you.”

“I just want to know. Was it because I wasn't good enough for you?” He had wanted his voice to sound strong and emotionless through that, but it broke.

“No, Isak, Jesus, it wasn't that! I swear. It's just... I thought we weren't good for each other. It was just what we talked about after we slept together, it made me know that we wouldn't be good together. Of course you were good enough, Isak, I liked you so much. But when we talked, and I realized it, I just... Sonja has always been safe, okay? And we've always been off and on. I just... I knew she'd forgive me and take me back. I can't... I can't tell you _why_ , okay, it's not... time for that yet. I was just hurt. I was so hurt. So I went back to the person who always made me feel better, and she took me back like she always did. No matter how much I fuck up when we're on a break, she always takes me back. I hated what I did to her. Because I liked you from the moment I saw you, but I didn't break up with her until a month after we met. I didn't tell you about it until a month after we broke up, but I swear we did break up before we did anything, Isak, okay? A long time before, I promise.”

Isak was only standing there watching him. “So you... you used both of us? How was that fair to her?”

“It wasn't. It wasn't fair to either of you, and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you ever thought you weren't good enough—it never crossed my mind that you would think something like that, because I was just... I was so hurt, Isak, and I know you don't understand what that means but when we talk, when you're sober, you will, okay, and... and Sonja didn't deserve it. She _doesn't._ We've broken up and gotten back together twice just since it happened, she's just.... We're comfortable for each other, neither of us know what to do without the other one. We are broken up, now. I don't know if that means anything to you, it probably doesn't. It probably shouldn't. But we aren't together anymore.”

Even was rambling. A lot. But things were making sense. Not a lot of sense, but enough.

Isak swayed a little in place and leaned back against the fence for support. “I was so close to being in love with you,” he mumbled, far too drunk to stop himself.

“I'm so sorry I hurt you, Isak,” Even said. “I was so selfish, I didn't even consider it. You meant... everything to me, okay? I was crushed. It's not an excuse, I _know_ that.” He ran his hands through his hair and it fell limp over his forehead. “I definitely shouldn't've gone out of my way to hurt you even more than that when I first got to Nissen. You didn't deserve that.”

“Because my family's fucked up?”

“Because you're a person, and just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should bring everyone down with me. That's not fair.”

“But you said it changed when you saw me with my family.”

“I know I did. I know. It wasn't because I felt bad for you. It was just... I felt shitty because I'd been piling on when I didn't know everything you already had on your plate. The last thing you needed was some stupid high school drama. I just felt stupid. I was angry at myself, for assuming you deserved it just because you hurt me. Especially when you didn't even know you did. I just get so. Defensive. I want to protect myself. Do you understand?”

Isak nodded slowly. “I understand.”

“The point is, Isak, I don't have an excuse. There's not an excuse for what I did. Just because you're hurt doesn't mean you get to hurt others. So I'm sorry. And I hope that when we talk about it, when we really talk it about and you're sober and you're ready, that it'll make more sense.”

Isak looked up at him with narrowed eyes. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Even took a deep breath, a calming breath. “Okay, baby.”

Isak's head shot up. “Baby?”

“Fuck, Isak,” Even said with big eyes. “Oh, fuck, I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry. It's habit, I'm so sorry. I know I can't say that anymore, I didn't mean to.”

Isak had to feel his heartbeat increase at that. He couldn't help it. It was such a strong reminder. “What do you want us to be, Even?” he asked, because he didn't know it himself.

“I don't know,” Even answered quietly.

They were stood in silence for a while, thinking separately, eyes not on each other not out of discomfort but just because that's how they ended up.

“Isak?” came a voice from the porch, and he squinted his eyes as if that would give him the ability to see in the dark and called, “Sana?”

“Fuck, Isak, get over here! I'm taking you home!”

“Let's go,” Even said.

“I'm dizzy,” Isak said. He hoped he wouldn't forget everything they talked about. He'd needed the alcohol to give him courage.

“Okay, let me hold onto you, then.”

Isak held out his arm and Even grasped it and helped him walk to the porch where Sana was waiting.

“Oh, come on, Valtersen,” she mumbled, helping Even drop him into a chair. “Can you go get him some water, Even? Thank you.” She knelt in front of Isak and he focused on her. “Are you gonna be able to walk home?”

He scoffed. “Fine. I'm fine!”

“Are you?”

“I'm great.”

“Okay.”

He was handed a Solo cup full of water and he drank the whole thing. He felt better after it. “Thanks.”

“I'm gonna leave you to it,” Even said. “If you can manage it, Sana, I don't mind helping.”

“I've got him, the water will've made him more steady. Thanks, though.”

Even bent down to catch his eye. “We'll talk later, Isak. Only when you're ready.”

As he and Sana were walking to his place, where Elias and his group of friends would meet Sana to walk her home, she asked, “Is everything okay?”

“I think you were right that we need to talk,” he slurred. “Because just forgetting about it wouldn't have been good. Moving past it wouldn't have been good. Because I'd still be hurting and thinking these thoughts and everything. Or... I don't know. I would hurt for a long time and think I wasn't good enough and stuff. So thanks for telling me what to do.”

“I always know what's best, babes,” she said.

“Yeah. You do.” He whined, “Sana,” suddenly, and she turned to him in some mix between annoyance and amusement. “You're really cool. I'm glad you saw me crying. I'm glad we're friends.”

“I'm glad we're friends, too, Isak.”

  
**IV**

Isak was cleaning.

He started in the kitchen. Fabric grocery bags with fresh groceries inside were set on the countertop as he cleaned out the fridge. He threw away old takeout, emptied Tupperwares into the trash can. He washed expired jelly out of its jar and recycled the jar, tossed rotting vegetables in the trash. He wiped down the shelves with Clorox wipes and restocked it with the fresh groceries and leftovers that were still good. He was on a fucking roll.

He washed all the dishes in the sink and put them away. He wiped the counters down with a sponge and sorted the mail. Took a broom to the floor, then a mop. It was shining.

In the living room he picked up everything from the floor and tossed it in its correct place. Some dirty socks went into the laundry room. Shoes went near the front door. Jackets were thrown into Lea's room. He vacuumed the carpet. He wanted to get bone tired. He wanted to be so exhausted he slept for hours.

He put books and remotes in their proper places around the room. He dusted the shelves after removing their contents, and then he reorganized every photo frame and trinket. He wanted the house clean. He had never wanted that before, but he wanted it now, and he wanted it badly.

When he got to Lea's room he slowed down a little bit. It hadn't been lived in for a few weeks, at this point, and he could feel that when he walked in. The clothes that she had worn that week were still on her floor and her toys were strewn around the room. Her bed was unmade so he started there, carefully pulling the covers up and setting her stuffed animals at the head of the bed, with the pillows. He hung up her jackets and put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket to wash later, then put all the toys in her bin where she kept them.

He cleaned his room, and his mom's as she went downstairs for food. She started the laundry, which he was sure exhausted her but the gesture made him happy.

He did his homework and he read ahead. He cooked things and boxed them up to eat later in the week.

But when it came time to go to sleep, he couldn't.

He just kept thinking. Always fucking thinking. And now it wasn't just about Lea and how she was doing, but about Even as well.

He knew he wasn't in the right headspace to discuss those things with Even. He'd told him that and Even had tried to remind him of it but stupid fucking drunk Isak didn't have any sense of self preservation. So he'd forced Even to tell him and now he couldn't stop thinking about it.

What had they talked about after they slept together? Isak had been too busy making himself not freak out to remember each detail of conversation. Even had gotten him half-dressed again, in his t-shirt and boxers, and then pulled Isak into his chest, and Isak had just been telling himself that there was nothing wrong with him. There was nothing wrong with what he'd done. Everything else fell by the wayside; compared to the hugeness of what he'd just given into, the conversation didn't seem worth remembering in such detail. Besides, when Even left, it was hard to think of much else other than how much that hurt.

Even had said they'd misunderstood each other. Maybe they could get past it. He'd apologized for being a dick, but it all depended on his reasons behind it in the first place. Isak couldn't think of a reason that would justify it, but he'd keep an open mind until Even told him.

He wanted answers. But his sleeplessness was proof that right now, he couldn't handle them.

  
**V**

“Are they almost here?” his mom asked, hands clasped in her lap.

Isak checked the time on his phone. “They'll be here any minute.”

“Okay,” she said, smoothing down the front of her dress. With the house clean and his mother wearing nice clothes, it looked like they were trying to impress. Maybe they were, of course. Maybe they were trying to prove that they could do this.

“Soon?” she asked, looking over at him with a worried gaze.

He smiled. “Soon,” he answered with a nod.

She nodded back, and then went to looking between her hands and the door.

“Hey,” Isak said, and smiled when she looked up. “It's gonna be okay, Mamma.”

“I just want her back.”

“Me too,” Isak said. “I know. But we've just got to play along.”

“I'm sorry I'm like this,” she said quietly.

“Mamma.”

“I'm sorry I couldn't stop him. From taking her. I couldn't do it.”

“It's not your fault,” Isak said. “We will get her back, Mamma, okay? We can do it.”

“Okay,” she said.

When the door opened they both stood up sharply. Lea ran to Isak and let him pick her up, and then reached for their mom, who held her as if she was just a baby again, kissing her cheeks and hugging her.

“Baby,” their mother murmured, rocking her back and forth, Lea's arms tight around her neck. “I've missed you, baby.”

“I missed you, too,” Lea said, crying into her neck. “I miss you, Mamma.”

For all the difficult things that Lea had seen and heard from her mother, there was nothing more important than the two of them being together. Le didn't care that her mom had issues. She didn't care what her mom had said or done. At this point, it was obvious, she just wanted to come home.

Their mom sat on the couch with Lea in her lap, and Isak sat beside them. His father, unnoticed and unacknowledged in the doorway, shut the door and sat in the armchair. He didn't have any of Lea's stuff and Isak's heart sank. Every time he had to say goodbye it got harder, even if it was just over the phone.

His mom was whispering in Lea's ear and making her smile. It was so nice to see.

“How are you two?” his dad asked.

“We've been better,” Isak answered. Lea's feet were in his lap, shoes and all, and Isak was fidgeting with the laces.

There was a silence that fell around them. Marianne was holding Lea as close as possible to her chest, and Lea seemed near sleep with the swaying they were doing together. Marianne kissed her forehead, smoothing back her hair, and suddenly said, “She's not going back.”

Isak looked over sharply, and Lea straightened up to stare at her.

“What?” his father asked.

“She's not. Going. Back,” Marianne repeated. “She's staying here. In her home. With her mother.”

“ _You_ are not good for her, Marianne,” he said, leaning forward in the chair.

“I'm better for her than you are, so she's staying here.”

In all the years since his mother got sick, Isak had never seen her like this. When he was younger, before Lea was born, she had this fire all the time. But her husband always told her she couldn't trust her mind, and soon it took its toll, and she believed it. She stopped fighting. His father won every time.

Not this time.

“What are you talking about?” Terje said.

“My daughter is staying with me,” his mother said. “With me and her brother. With people who love her. She's not going back with you. I don't care what you say. She's staying here.”

His father seemed at a loss for words. She hadn't tried to get her way for years and years.

“You want her to grow up the same way Isak did?” Terje asked. “He couldn't be around you for weeks at a time!”

“Because of _you_ ,” Isak said. “You kept me away.”

“Because she was crazy!”

“She's not crazy!” Isak yelled.

Marianne shifted Lea into Isak's side and stood up. Isak curled his arms around her as she watched the fight between them with wide eyes. Isak hadn't thought about the fact that she had probably never seen her mother like this. How empowering it must have been, to know that the one time she's seen her mom like this, it was on her behalf. “You are not taking my child away from me. She belongs here, and that's where she's staying.”

Lea shifted her head to watch both her parents.

“How do you think you're good for her?” his father asked.

“I know I'm good for her. Drop her stuff off later, she's staying. Lea, baby, go upstairs and take a nap, okay, you look so tired sweetheart.” She knelt down and gave Lea a kiss on the forehead, and Lea smiled up at her, then looked at Isak as if it was unbelievable and she needed someone else to recognize how odd the situation had quickly become.

“I'll go with you,” Isak said, standing up with Lea, a hand on her back. “Are you... okay, Mamma?”

She nodded, kissed his cheek as he passed. “I'll fix it.”

Isak went with Lea to her room and stood in the doorway as she took off her shoes. “We washed some of your clothes,” Isak said. “Your pajamas are clean.”

He went to his room and changed into sweatpants while she changed into pajamas, because there was no way he was leaving the house for the rest of the day. When Lea let him back in there was muffled yelling downstairs, but it seemed that Lea needed him more in the moment than his mother did, so he stayed with her.

“Will you lay with me?” Lea asked, getting under the covers. Isak sat on top of the blankets and put his arm around her. “Do I really get to stay?” she asked.

“I think so, Lea,” he said, smiling. It was more than he'd allowed himself to hope in ages. “I think you do.”

They fell asleep as the shouting died, and no one woke them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm hoping that this chapter has shed enough light for ya'll to pretty much figure out what went down between them, but i'll still make it clearer in the upcoming chapters. i'm hoping that i'm progressing this realistically and not too quickly and that i'm doing justice to the feelings of both isak and even. it might be hard for me to see when i'm not because i know what's going to happen next, but i'm trying :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this has not been read over at all i'm sorry i just want to get it out there!   
> this will be the last update until i get back from my trip (first monday in june) so i hope it's a good one.  
> i'm actually not so sure about it, it was kind of difficult for me to write accurately so i'm not sure i did it justice. but it's here!  
> thank you all so much <3   
> warnings in end notes <3

**I**

Having Lea back changed everything.

Isak could sleep again, knowing she was safely in the next room. His mom was baking again, humming around the kitchen barefoot with cakes in the oven that she'd cobble together with chocolate buttercream and deliver to her friends and neighbors. Lea was happy to be home, if a little clingy. She wanted Ann to pick her up every day so that she wouldn't have to walk alone, and even if Isak or their mother was only walking from the living room to the kitchen she followed at their heels. It was a side effect of being separated, but neither Isak nor his mom minded at all. The closer they were to her, the better they all felt. She spent half of her time being carried around on Isak's back.

Jonas came over a lot to join for dinner. They'd sit on the couch together, all four of them, watching a movie and eating Chinese food and talking about their days.

Isak was calm. He had almost forgotten what that felt like.

“Hey, get your own!” Jonas cried as Lea took one of his egg rolls.

“You get your own,” Lea said coolly, sitting back in the couch cushions as she nibbled at the food, curled into her mother's side. Jonas made a face at her and Lea made one back.

“You're really mature,” Isak said, sock feet in Jonas's lap. “Arguing with an eight-year-old.”

“She has the mind of a seventeen-year-old. You know she does. She's sneaky.”

“My clever girl,” Marianne said, hugging her, and Jonas made an affronted noise as Lea stuck her tongue out at him.

His dad was staying away for a while. He'd dropped off Lea's bag with clothes and toys on the front porch, and they hadn't seen him since the argument. Isak didn't know if he'd come back. He felt like it'd be better if he didn't, but it wasn't a problem that needed to be dealt with at the moment. Right now nothing mattered but Lea being back. They were getting back into a routine, and it wasn't as hard as he thought it'd be. With his mom better, it was easy.

It felt like everything was looking up. He wasn't scared of his life falling apart anymore.

“Eat your own food!” Jonas said, fighting Lea's fork with his own.

“You're not sharing very well, Jonas,” she said with an annoyed little huff, drawing his name out.

“Yeah, Jonas,” Isak agreed, mimicking the way she said his name.

“You're biased,” Jonas said, and Isak smiled.

Isak no longer felt on the brink of tears at any given second. It would take a lot more than running out of t-shirts to wear, or dropping his cheeseburger to make him cry, now that he was sleeping well and able to keep up with his school work.

“Jonas,” Isak's mother said, “would you help me with dessert?”

“Sure, Mamma V,” he said, standing up, pinching Lea lightly as he went so that she would stick out her tongue and kick her legs out at him. Without the warmth of her mother to curl into, she scooted over to Isak and hung her arms around his neck.

“Yes, baby girl?” he asked.

“Can we still get a dog?”

Isak laughed. “A dog? You still want one?”

“Yeah, and I'm gonna name her Silje.”

“Silje?” Isak asked. “That's a person name. Why don't you name her something different?”

“I like Silje!” she said indignantly, and he raised his hands in surrender. “So can we?”

“Me and Mamma will talk about it,” Isak said with a smile. She squealed and hugged him tight. He laughed and hugged her back. “You know I'd give you anything, Lea.”

“Cause you're a pushover,” Lea said.

“Who told you that?” Isak laughed.

“Jonas.”

“Jonas is the pushover.”

“You're both pushovers,” Lea said. “That's okay. I like it.”

“I bet you do,” Isak said. “It means you get just about everything you want.”

But Lea was a good kid. She hardly asked for anything; it was usually just a dinner request or to go for a walk or to see if Isak could tie her hair up in the ribbons her mamma had bought her. Rarely did she ask for something new, or expensive. She never threw fits when Isak said no—not that Isak was keen on saying no, but it did happen.

She was a kid who didn't have a lot that other kids had in terms of a functioning familial life, but she was a kid who wanted for nothing, too.

So Isak indulged her when she did ask, and surprised her when she didn't. He'd buy her little stuffed animals, or new Legos, or the toy car she saw in the convenience store and clearly wanted but never asked for.

“I think a dog would really like it here,” Lea said, head on his shoulder as they watched some black and white film that Jonas had found on cable. They'd all been too distracted by eating to change the channel, and now his mom was invested in the plot so they were watching it to the end.

“Why do you say that?” Isak asked.

“Because it's a good place to live,” Lea said, like it was obvious.

“You're right,” Isak said. “It is a good place to live. What kind of dog would you want?”

“I want to go by the dog place and find the best one.”

“You don't care what kind it is? I thought you had a few different favorite kinds of dogs.”

“Yeah, but what if it's that kind of dog but it has a crappy personality?”

He smiled. “Don't say crappy. Okay. What's the 'dog place'?”

“You know,” she said, looking at the television screen. “The place where all the dogs are.”

“Lea,” he said. “That really doesn't help me very much. Are you talking about someone you know who sells dogs, or something?”

“No.... You can't sell dogs.”

“What? Yes you can. Like, a breeder.”

She shook her head, strawberry blonde braids moving with it. “No, the big place? They give you dogs that no one else wants.”

“Oh, the shelter?” he asked. “Yeah, okay. That makes more sense. If me and Mamma talk about it some, then we can go to the pound. But what are you looking for? Big dog, little dog? Girl dog, I'm guessing, since you want to name her Silje.”

“There can be boy dogs named Silje, Isak,” she scolded.

“But you said 'she' when you were talking about her!”

She huffed a breath out, like she was beyond tired with Isak's ignorance. “Fine. Yes, I want a girl dog. But that doesn't mean that boy dogs can't be named Silje.”

“I'm sorry, love,” Isak said, smiling. He kissed the top of her head. “So big or little?”

“Big. Big guard dog. That sleeps in bed with me.”

“Okay. If we do it, we're gonna get one that used to belong to someone else. One that's already trained. So she'll be older than a puppy. You still want her?”

“Yeah. I don't care if she's a puppy, Isak, gosh.”

“You're pretty sassy,” Isak said. She'd gotten back into her comfort zone pretty quickly; it'd only been a few days.

“I just want a dog.”

“I know you do. And me and Mamma are gonna talk about it, okay, I promise.”

“Swear?” she asked, holding out her pinky.

“Swear,” Isak agreed, linking his pinky with her tiny one.

Jonas and Marianne came out of the kitchen with freshly frosted cupcakes and they all sat down on the couch again to finish the film with a halfhearted focus and enjoy their time together. Lea sat squeezed between her mom and her brother, and Jonas sat on Isak's other side, and it was all... perfect, again. It was all like it should be.

Isak allowed himself to relish the peace of it all. He hoped it'd last as long as possible. With his family by his side it didn't seem like it would be so hard for it to.

  
**II**

“Can I tell you something?” Isak asked, laying on Sana's bedroom floor, limbs starfished at his sides.

“What?” she asked, on her stomach on her bed, looking down at him as he watched the ceiling.

“You know how... I was weird, lately?” he asked. “I said it was family stuff?”

“Yeah,” she said, chewing on a piece of licorice. “What about it?”

“Can I have a piece of licorice?” he asked instead, eyes finding her. She fished one out of the back and threw it on his chest, resting her chin back on her hands when he brought it to his mouth, tearing at it with his teeth and then chewing as he stared at the ceiling again.

“Well?” she prompted.

“Oh,” Isak said, like he'd forgotten the conversation that he started. “Yeah. Um.” He took a deep breath and said, “I'm trying to work things out with Even? I'm sure you know that. But.... So I don't know what I did to him, yet, really, but I want to tell you this.... I don't know why, actually. I just... think you should know.”

“Okay,” she said, biting off a chunk of licorice. “Go ahead.”

“My family's kind of messed up?” he said, wincing at the phrasing. “I mean... not messed up. Just. My dad's not really around. He comes and goes. And my mom's sick.”

“Sick how?” Sana asked.

He glanced up at her. “Mentally ill, I guess. I don't know what with.” When Sana didn't say anything he couldn't bring himself to look at her. “She's functional, you know. She... she just gets periods of time when she breaks from reality. When she thinks people are following her, or she doesn't recognize us? And that whole thing is comorbid with depression, that got a lot worse after Lea was born, so she'll spend a lot of time in bed. So it's about half and half? Like half the time she's in one of these episodes, but half the time she's all good.”

Sana didn't say anything, but when she was nodding thoughtfully when Isak got enough courage to look at her.

“I don't know, I just wanted to tell you,” Isak said. “You've been so good about this stuff with Even and lately I've just been kind of closed off so I wanted to tell you the reason.”

“No, Isak, that makes sense,” she said, and he didn't know what she was talking about. “It makes a lot of sense. Just from... everything. Okay sorry. Continue,” she said, urging him on.

“So a few weeks ago my dad left again, but he took Lea with him,” Isak said. “And I was really stressed out and it really triggered my mom so... so I was just not in a very good place. It sucked to see her so sad, and it sucked to not have Lea with me.”

“I'm sorry, Isak,” Sana said. “I know how much you love her.”

“She's back now,” he said with a nod. “My mom was a total badass and wouldn't let my dad take her away again when they stopped by to see us. But for a while it was just. It was bad. Really bad.”

“Things are okay, now?” she asked.

“Yeah, Lea was a little shaken up by the whole thing,” he said. “But my mom's doing better than she has in weeks, and it's really good to see.”

“You get along with her?” she asked. “Your mom?”

He looked at her in confusion. “Yeah, of course. She's my mom. I love her. I mean, it's rough sometimes, but it's not the end of the world. She's the best person I know.”

Sana nodded. Like she knew something Isak didn't. She probably did; Sana tended to know just about everything about everyone.

“You're a good guy, Isak,” she said.

“You say that like you didn't believe it before,” Isak said with a scoff.

“I told you I'm not friends with bad people, Valtersen, don't start with me. This is just... new information. It makes sense.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Saying what?”

“That it makes sense? Why does it make sense?”

Sana just ripped off some licorice with a smile and raised her eyebrows.

“Why do you always know so much more than everyone else?” Isak asked.

“The hijab gives me powers.”

He snorted. “This is from the same ouija board that outed me before I even knew it myself?”

She nodded. “So you know it's reliable. If it was right about you it was right about me.”

Isak watched her for a while. “You're awesome, Sana.”

“Isak,” she cooed, hand to her heart. “I know.”

  
**III**

Isak: _Hey_

Even: _Hi_

Isak: _Are you still up for talking?_

Even: _Of course_

Isak: _Ok. I'm ready._

Even: _Are you sure?_

Isak: _Yes. Things are better now._

Even: _Okay_

Isak: _I'm ready to sort this out, too._

Even: _Okay. That's good. So am I._

Isak: _Yeah. Thanks for being patient._

Even: _No problem._

Isak: _Meet me after school?_

Even: _Sounds good._

Isak looked down at his phone, and then across the cafeteria at Even, who smiled a little with raised eyebrows. It seemed a little tired. Isak knew the feeling well. It was the look of someone who was ready for it to be over. Ready for the talk that would figure it out, make them both feel better. There were only three hours until the end of school, but Isak was impatient. He wanted to know. He wanted to forgive and be forgiven. He wanted everything that happened in the past to _feel_ like it happened in the past, instead of this raw pain that just kept circulating.

And after they did that, then maybe he'd feel better. Maybe he would feel like every part of his life wasn't breaking apart. He could feel whole again. He had his sister back, his mother healthy. This was the last step.

Even: _This is a little scary_

Isak: _I know_

Even: _Think we'll be okay?_

Isak: _I hope so._

Even: _Me too._

_I think we were good for each other before everything happened._

Isak: _So do I_

He didn't know what Even was implying, but he didn't get an answer, and when he looked up, Even's phone had been put away and he was busy talking to the guy sitting next to him.

Did he still _want_ to be with Even? Was that a question that he could even answer before they talked?

“You okay, man?” Mahdi said, kicking his shin under the table.

Isak looked up at them with a fake little smile. “Fine.”

Not knowing was killing him. But would knowing be worse?

  
**IV**

“Hey, Isak,” Even said, coming up next to him at his locker. Isak turned his head and smiled. “Um... do you want to get coffee? We can talk?”

Isak nodded, fished his books out of his locker to put in his backpack, and started the fumbling process of managing to close the damn thing. When it finally was shut he walked with Even out of the school.

He seemed nervous. Isak watched his profile as they walked down the sidewalk and Even seemed fidgety and scared. It made Isak nervous. It made him think that maybe he didn't really want to know what he'd said. When Sana first mentioned that he didn't know the whole story, that he needed to listen to Even's justification, he didn't imagine that he'd said anything that would have hurt Even in the same way that Even's leaving hurt Isak. Now he wasn't so sure.

“Are you okay?” Isak asked, nudging him with his shoulder.

“Just... ready for this to be done,” Even said with a small smile.

Isak smiled, too. “Good. Me, too.”

“And maybe we can even be... friends?” Even said, sounding completely uncertain. “If this goes well.”

“I think that'd be nice,” Isak said. “It'd be an interesting friendship.”

“Friends that have seen each other naked.”

“Friends who hated each other.”

“It's complicated,” Even said, smiling at him.

“Just a little,” Isak amended. They walked until they hit the tram stop and Isak asked, “Should we go back closer to our neighborhood? To the coffeehouse there?”

“Sure,” Even said.

“When did you move there?” Isak asked, leaning back against a railing and watching Even, standing in front of him with his hands in his pockets.

“Over summer,” he said. “I, uh, needed to get of my parents' house. So I have a studio near the park. I got a dog, and a job.” He shrugged. “It's good.”

“That's good,” Isak said. The conversation was stilted and heavy with what was to come. Nothing like the way they used to talk.

“Yeah,” Even said, looking at his feet. “How's your sister doing? She was sweet.”

“She's good,” Isak said, nodding. “There was some drama over the last few weeks.” When Even raised his eyebrows in question Isak said, “My dad took her when he left and it was tough for a while, but she's home now.”

“Oh,” Even said as the bus pulled up. “I'm sorry.”

“It's alright,” Isak said. They stepped on together and stood. “It's fixed, now. But it's why I wasn't ready to talk.”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Even said.

They didn't say anything else for the ride to the coffeehouse.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Even asked, holding the door open. “I can go order if you grab a seat.”

“Just a coffee,” Isak said. He smiled. “Thanks.”

Even gave him a smile and went to the counter as Isak took a seat at a round table near the window and considered whether or not he was ready for this.

But he was here. And he would listen. He could do that much, he owed it to Even. Even had apologized. He'd gone out of his way to make Isak feel better. Even if Even's reason for hating Isak was bad, Isak didn't think he could be too mad about it and everything that happened because Even had at least tried to fix it.

“Hey,” Even said, startling Isak as he placed two cups on the table. Even must have noticed him jumping, because he smiled as he sat down and said, “Sorry.”

“It's okay. I was just... thinking too hard.”

“Yeah,” Even said. “You do that.” He set his backpack down on the floor and circled both hands around his paper cup. He looked down at it for a minute, as Isak pulled his own close and watched Even. “I guess we should... start, then,” Even said, looking up at him.

Isak smiled in what he hoped was encouragement. He was nervous, too, just because Even was. But Even didn't need to know that—this wasn't about Isak and his feelings, this time it was Even's turn. “Whenever you want,” he said.

“Okay. Um.” His eyes drifted away from Isak's and stayed there as he started talking. “I really cared about you a lot. Just... it's really important to me that you know that, because it definitely... complicated things. For all that time we were talking and flirting and everything, I think we were both keeping something important away from each other? You never told me about your family, and that's what.... That's what changed things. Do you remember what we were talking about at that party? After we... slept together?”

His eyes found Isak's face again and Isak shook his head slowly. “I mean. Not really. It's been a long time. And I remembered... other details about that night.” The sex. The pain afterwards.

“Maybe I should just....” Even looked away from him again. He gathered all his strength in such an obviously emotional way that Isak could see it in his face, and when he said, “I'm bipolar,” Isak couldn't process the words.

Isak blinked at him a few times. And then everything came back. Everything.

“Oh my God,” Isak said. That shit he had said. Everything he'd said, right after they gave into what they'd been wanting for months. _Oh my God._

Even said, “I'm sorry.”

“What?” Isak asked, head snapping up at him. “You're _sorry_? Are you kidding me, Even?”

Even looked at him with a... scared expression, and Isak realized how that must have sounded. He hurried to try to force words out of his mouth, but they tripped over each other until he could breathe and sort his thoughts and say, “Don't apologize. You shouldn't have apologized that first time, fuck, or any of the times before.” He was angry at himself but his words to Even sounded hostile and Isak didn't know how to fix it, because it was only making things worse and the expression on Even's face was only dropping further.

“I know I should have told you before we had sex,” Even said. He sounded confused. He sounded like he didn't know what Isak wanted from him. “It just made everything worse.”

“No, it didn't. Are you serious? You... you apologized to _me_ after all the shit I said to you?”

Even just looked at him and Isak _knew_ that he wasn't voicing his thoughts in any kind of way that would make sense so he tried to start over.

“I love my mom, Even,” he said. His voice was shaking. He was the biggest asshole in the world, and all the guilty thoughts he'd ever harbored about the things he'd said about his mother couldn't compare to the guilt and anger and humiliation at what he'd told Even, what he was remembering now. “She's amazing, okay? She's so smart and talented, and she's a great mom. And I can't believe some of the things I've said about her, but I never should have. I never meant any of it.” He looked at Even, who was already watching him with a guarded expression. “But you should _not_ be apologizing, Even. You shouldn't even forgive me, _fuck_ , if I'd heard someone talk that way about their own fucking mother I'd leave even if I _didn't_ have bipolar.”

“Isak--”

Isak felt close to tears. “Stop it, Even! Holy fuck, what the hell is wrong with me?”

“Nothing!” Even said. “You were hurt, it's okay!”

“It's not okay!” Isak said. He was being too loud for the room they were in but he didn't have it in him to care. “It's not okay, Even, I can't believe I said that to you. I love my mom. I do. Just because I was frustrated doesn't give me the right to say those things about her.”

“It wasn't just that,” Even said. “It was my fault, too. I went back to Sonja, and she took me back, like she always does, you know that. And I told her that someone I really liked said these things about mental illness, and she.... She was just trying to make me feel better. She didn't mean to be so harsh, it's so easy to say things about people you don't know, when you've just heard stories. So she made you the enemy, because she thought it'd make it easier for me, and it didn't really make it easier but it did make me see you as... worse than you are. Everything she said really got mixed up with reality for a while there, and when I was so terrible to you those first few weeks of school it was... it wasn't because of what _you_ said, not really, it was what _she_ said to make me feel better.”

“I deserved it,” Isak said.

“You didn't.”

“I did! I remember _everything_ now, Even, everything I said!” He was breathing too hard and he covered his face in his hands.

“But it's okay!” Even said. “It's okay, because I know that you didn't mean it! I know that it's just frustration! I've heard you talk about her, and you never said those things again, okay? I heard you on the phone with your dad and I heard you defend her. I know it wasn't real.”

“It was real,” Isak said. “I still said it.”

“And I forgive you.”

“You shouldn't.”

“But I do!” Even said. “I forgive you, Isak, okay? If that's what you want to hear, I forgive you! I acted too quickly and I misjudged you and it's just... fuck, okay, it's both of our faults! That's all I can tell you! And I forgive you.”

“I don't.... Fuck, Even, I don't know what to do.”

“Just say you forgive me, too,” he said. “Just. Tell me it doesn't matter anymore. Please.”

“Of course it doesn't matter,” Isak said. “I hurt you. I'm so sorry I hurt you.”

“It's okay,” Even said. “It doesn't matter anymore. I hurt you and you hurt me. But it's over.”

Isak nodded. “It's over.”

“And we can start over. We can start over knowing everything.”

“Okay,” Isak said.

“Hey,” Even said softly, and Isak forced his eyes up from the tabletop. He felt sick. He felt like crying and he was two seconds away from it. Even was smiling, looking just as broken. “It's alright.”

Isak just nodded a little.

“Let's talk about something else,” Even said. “Okay?”

Isak nodded again.

“Tell me about your mom,” Even said, a smile on his lips. “Tell me everything.”

So Isak did. He talked about the cakes she made, the decorations with piped white chocolate. He talked about her little drawings on the Post-It notes that she took phone messages on, because he remembered the comics Even used to slip into his pockets at parties. He talked about the way she was with Lea, talked about how she opened all the windows in the house even if it was freezing, just to get the fresh air in. She liked the way the gauzy curtains billowed out with the wind. He talked about the days she spent in bed eating nothing but ice cream and Oreo cookies, and Even smiled at it, like it wasn't so world-ending, and Isak realized that it wasn't, that it was hard and it was okay to be frustrated, but that he was lucky enough that she always bounced back.

And then Even talked. About bipolar, about things he'd done while he was manic. Painting his bedroom walls in the middle of the night and taking trains out to the countryside without telling anyone, climbing through open windows of strangers' houses just to see where they led. He talked about his diagnoses and his therapist and the medicine he was on, asked Isak if his mom was seeing anyone because the woman he went to was great. He talked about his dog and his apartment, his job at the convenience store that Isak never shopped at but would have to start. He talked about his parents and his friends, about Elias, and he didn't talk at all about what happened at Bakka and Isak didn't push him.

They didn't stop talking for hours, until the coffeeshop closed and they were forced out by the apron-clad barista who gave them free refills on their coffees as long as they would leave sooner. They walked down the sidewalk together until it came time to part ways and Isak felt closer to him than he ever had before.

“Goodnight, Isak,” Even said. “I'm glad we did this.”

Isak smiled. “So am I.”

“I'll see you around.”

He nodded once, tipping his chin into his scarf for the warmth, to hide his smile. “You will.”

  
**V**

_Isak's phone was buzzing in the pocket of his jeans on the floor, almost incessantly, so he peeled himself off of Even for long enough to check and make sure it wasn't serious. But it was what he expected: religious ravings from his mother, bible verses about hell and punishments for sins. Sometimes Isak thought she knew what he hadn't told anyone but Even. With the frequency with which she was lecturing him recently, preaching sermons and throwing things, he wouldn't be surprised._

“ _Everything okay?” Even asked when Isak moved back onto his chest._

“ _It's just my mom,” Isak said, putting an arm around Even's waist. “She's just.... being crazy.”_

“ _What do you mean?” Even asked. The hand he had around Isak's shoulder was resting on Isak's hip. A heavy, grounding force._

“ _She's just... fucked up. I don't know.”_

“ _That seemed like a lot of texts.”_

“ _She just gets like that sometimes.” Isak hadn't told Even about his family. No one knew about his family, except for Jonas. But he had just slept with him, they had spent months talking, Even had broken up with his girlfriend for him. He could trust Even with this information, couldn't he? He could tell him what he hadn't told anyone? “She's... messed up. In her head, you know. Can't do anything on her own sometimes, and she thinks people are following her? She doesn't recognize us sometimes, she's just.... She's fucked up. And she's fucked me up, too. She's the reason I'm so messed up and... scared of everything?”_

_Last night his mother hadn't stopped screaming for hours. She'd come into the living room and thrown things, then gone outside and taken the baseball bat and broken one of the windows before Isak could wrestle it from her. Lea had been screaming and crying and his father was of course gone again. Isak couldn't sleep when she wouldn't sleep._

“ _Last night she wouldn't stop screaming,” he said. “I didn't sleep at all, I just wanted to tell her to please shut the fuck up. But she wouldn't. I'm just so.... There's only so much I can take. There's no one but me. She's just... too much.”_

_It was a moment before Even said anything. “Why do you say that?”_

“ _She can't control herself. I haven't slept in... days, not really. I'm just so fucking tired, and she won't let me sleep. I wish it would just be easy. It's never fucking easy.”_

“ _Has she been diagnosed with anything?”_

“ _No. She wouldn't ever get help, not when she's like that. It's just frustrating. She's messed up but when she's like that she won't admit it and I hate it. I hate being around her when she's like that. I hate taking care of it.”_

_Even was silent, hand still on Isak's hip._

_Isak didn't think anything of it, he enjoyed laying with Even for a few minutes longer in the silence. But then Even was rising to stand and Isak fell down against the pillows._

“ _I'm gonna go get cleaned up a bit,” Even said, pulling on his clothes. Isak smiled as he watched even though Even wasn't looking at him._

“ _Okay,” Isak said._

_Even grabbed the tissues they'd used to clean Isak up and the used condom, all bundled up in clean tissues. He didn't look at Isak as he walked out the door._

_Isak waited there for a while. His heart was sinking and his stomach was filling with stones and his blood was cold in his veins. Because with the more time that passed, the clearer it was that Even wasn't coming back._

_He got himself dressed after half an hour had passed. He fixed the bed, even though everything they'd done had been on top of the covers, and he tried not to cry._

_This is what he got. His mother's religion always said this was a sin. This is what he got from it._

_He felt so stupid. So ashamed. Had he really misread everything, had the past three months meant nothing to Even? They were everything to Isak. So he walked out of the party burning with humiliation and hurt, but he didn't let himself cry. It sucked, yes. It sucked that he had let himself feel this wonderful thing for the first time ever and it was clearly wrong. It sucked, but this was his punishment._

_How could he expect anything more? He felt like he was made to be left by people._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings: ableist language
> 
> talk to me! even while i'm on vacation i'll check my comments here and ask box on tumblr! literally ask me anything! anything you want to know about anything i would know about just hearing from yall makes me so happy <333


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise <333 Leaving for the beach in two hours but I'm leaving this with you :D
> 
> I'm so sorry guys I have a very long message I'm sorry it's so long (some of ya'll have already ready about this in last chapter's comments and thank you so much for your support <3):
> 
> My goal in writing this, especially the last chapter, was that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. While at the beginning they both blamed each other completely, they both blame themselves now more than they blame the other person, because they both saw the ways in which their actions hurt the other person. I'm trying really hard to show that, yes, they were both hurt, and validly so, but continuing to dwell on what has been apologized for and taken responsibility for doesn't help either of them heal.
> 
> I'm getting a lot of comments asking me to reconsider the way I'm handling the conflict resolution, after each chapter. And I love getting your comments so much, and I'm trying really hard to incorporate them all so that people are happy and a lot of times they do really help the story, so thank you. But I'm starting to realize that it's really impossible to try to please everyone, because I'm getting so many conflicting responses after each chapter. Everyone has been so so kind, and I really hope no one thinks this is personal because it absolutely is not. If you've given me constructive criticism I appreciate it so much, and I've done my best so far to take it to heart. But it's been very stressful for me to write something in one chapter, get a comment that says they'd have liked it better if it was done differently, then changing it in the next chapter only to have someone else comment that they didn't like the amendment (no one said anything so blunt, of course, because I've never gotten a rude comment in my life and all of you have been so so great and kind and understanding and I really love you all and all your comments).
> 
> So basically this is just my apology for not being able to fit in everything. If I don't incorporate your comment into the next chapter of the fic if you've given me constructive criticism, it's not because of you or anything you've done, it's just because of the stress it takes to create a fix-it in the next chapter. I will continue to try my best, I promise :) But I can't guarantee that everything will be able to get in. If I don't include your criticism, though, I promise to explain my reasoning in response to your comment, and hopefully you'll understand the reasons for the way I wrote it instead. 
> 
> I appreciate you all so much more than I ever could explain to you, and please please tell me if you have any concerns over anything that I just wrote because I will be happy to explain further :) I really love you guys <333 I hope this doesn't change anything and I hope you'll still talk to me and stuff.
> 
> Anyways I'm sorry this was so long, if you're still reading please enjoy the chapter :D Thank ya'll so much <333

**I**

“No, you can't—she's cheating, Isak!”

“No she's not, she's just better than you.”

“You can't be better than someone at Monopoly, it's all luck.”

“Well clearly she is.”

“Issy!”

“Jonas! You're acting younger than the eight-year-olds!”

Jonas threw his head back and groaned, then handed the money over to Lea who took it with a smug smile.

“You're bad at this,” Cathrine told him, and Isak burst into laughter at the genuinely offended look on Jonas's face.

In the kitchen, their mother was talking with Ann over coffee.

It was a calm Sunday morning, and Isak felt totally at peace for one of the first times in his life. There were still things he wished he could tell; he wanted to tell Jonas about Even, and he wanted to tell the boys and his mother about who he really was. But the fear of being abandoned by any one of them outweighed the potential merits, at least at this time, so Isak could wait a little longer, until he had reason to tell again.

Because right now, there wasn't a reason, really. Because everything had worked out, and Isak was feeling better. He was feeling normal, which was a weirder feeling than feeling fucked up. He was so used to feeling fucked up that he didn't really know what to do with himself now that things were working again.

“Cheater!” Jonas cried, landing on one of Lea's properties again.

“I am not!” Lea cried back, holding out her hand. “Money, Jonas.” He didn't move. “ _Money!_ ” she demanded, and he groaned as he slapped it into her hand and she counted it with her sly little smile.

“I fucking hate this game,” Jonas muttered as Isak passed Go and collected his money. “First she takes all my prison money and now I have to pay _her_ for a stupid attraction that I don't even want to see? Unfair.”

“You're not being a very good sport,” Isak said.

“Aren't older people supposed to be good role models?” Lea asked.

Jonas stuck out his tongue and both Cathrine and Lea stuck out theirs. Jonas huffed and stood up. “I'm gonna go get a snack. But I'm not getting anything for the rest of you.” Jonas kissed Marianne's cheek as he passed her and took some chips out of the pantry.

“Are you playing nice, Jonas?” she asked with a smile.

“You know I am,” he said.

When Jonas was sitting down again the game was abandoned and they all gathered around him to take the chips from the bag in his lap.

“Freeloaders,” Jonas said, trying to hold the bag to his chest as Lea and Cathrine tried to rip it away from him.

“You're in _my_ house,” Isak said. “You're the freeloader.”

“Hush, Issy K, don't worry about it.” He relinquished the bag and the girls took it to the couch, where they turned on the TV together. Jonas stood up with a sigh and went back to the kitchen, taking out some baby carrots and returning to the living room.

“Ooh, I want those instead,” Lea said, crawling forwards on the couch cushions to lean over and reach where Jonas was sitting on the floor with his back against the sofa.

“No!” Jonas said. “You can't have it all!”

“Give her the carrots, Jonas, I'd rather she eat those than the chips.” Isak reached behind him and took the bag of chips that Cathrine was holding out for him. “There, fair trade.” He set the chips in Jonas's lap and he handed over the carrots with a reluctance that made Isak start laughing again.

“You always take her side,” Jonas said.

“I have a special place in my heart for her,” Isak agreed. “Not sure what it is.”

“You're a softie,” Jonas said.

“So are you when you haven't just lost at Monopoly.”

“Too soon, Isak.”

Isak smiled as he looked at him. Jonas wouldn't care. He was almost sure of it. Jonas was overly political and completely accepting of everything and everyone. Jonas wouldn't be weirded out that his best friend had fucked a boy, right? They'd known each other for years, his sexuality didn't change the fact that he was good with his sister and fun to smoke weed with and a part of his family. Right?

But still.

It was too soon for him to be risking something else. He wanted to let himself rest a little bit.

“What are we watching?” Isak asked. He felt Lea's hands in his hair, so it was Cathrine navigating the remote.

“This infomercial for the Magic Bullet,” Cathrine said, letting the channel surfing stop and dropping the remote down.

“What are you doing, Lea?” Isak asked as his hair was pulled pretty painfully in two different directions.

“Just playing with your hair.”

“Do it a little more gently,” he said.

“Why?”

“Why?” he repeated with a laugh. “Because it hurts when you're not gentle.”

“Oh,” she said. Like that was something she'd never thought of before. When her movements calmed down, though, it felt nice. They all stared silently at the Magic Bullet, until Isak and Jonas started mocking the narrator, and then laughing at the bad enactments of people misusing blenders and knives. The girls didn't seem to know why this was so funny to the two boys, and, honestly, it wasn't that funny, but they were collapsed in a tearful huddle on the floor, unable to stop laughing, and it felt good.

“You're weirdos,” Lea said.

“That's not very nice,” her mother said from the stools at the kitchen counter, but Isak could hear her smile.

“It's true, though, Mamma, look at them!”

It only made Isak laugh harder, which made Jonas laugh harder, and Isak felt so light. He couldn't remember ever feeling so happy and calm and completely at peace.

It was a good feeling. The best.

  
**II**

Even: _You walked right past me :((_

Isak: _Are you here??_

Even: _You didn't even see me???_

_Mean._

Isak: _How is that mean??_

Even: _I noticed you._

Isak: _That's because you are and always have been a stalker_

Even: _Me???_

Isak: _Yes you_

Even: _Dramatic._

Isak: _You stalked me on facebook._

_Which you don't have anymore btw why is that??_

Even: _Ugh now that I know you it's pretty pointless to have it, right?_

Isak: _You're weird_

Even: _Me???_

Isak: _Stop saying that!_

“New boyfriend?”

Isak whipped his head up to see Sana's smirk. “New boyfriend?” he repeated, like the thought was ludicrous. “I never had an old boyfriend.”

“Interesting that that's the part you focused on,” Sana said, and Isak flipped her off. “Hm. Who could make you smile like that?”

“Don't, Sana,” he said with a poorly contained smile.

“Who is it?” she asked anyways.

He returned to his phone pointedly. “None of your business.”

“Is it Even?”

He glared at her over his phone. “We're just friends. We finally worked shit out. So now we're friends.”

Sana raised her eyebrows. “Hm.”

“Don't say hm like that.”

“Like what?” she asked innocently.

“Like you don't believe me.”

“I don't believe you. Are you staying for dinner?” As he was considering this—having dinner with his mom and sister was really nice, right now—she said, “Even's staying.”

“Stop that!” Isak said.

Isak: _Sana's being mean_

Even: _Sana's the nicest person ever_

Isak: _??_

Even: _??_

Isak: _Same Sana?_

Even: _Sana's the sweetest_

Isak: _False._

Even: _I've known her longer than you_

Isak: _It's not a competition she's still being mean to me_

Even: _How?_

Isak: _…_

Even: _What is it :D_

Isak: _Nothing._

Even: _You're mysterious, Valtersen_

“I'll stay,” Isak said, setting his phone down on the floor. He was laying on his stomach and Sana was sitting cross-legged on the bed.

“Wow, I wonder who convinced you of that,” she said. “Hey, tell me what happened. You talked things through? Everything?”

Isak nodded. “Everything.”

“He told you... everything?”

“He told me everything. I mean, I think. He told me about the bipolar, if that's what you're really vaguely hinting at.”

“Yeah, it was,” she said. “So... you're friends now.”

“Yes, friends,” he said. “We're trying hard to be friends.”

“Seems like it's working,” Sana said. She always—no matter what—looked like she knew more than you. “You apologized, and everything?”

“Of course I did! Fuck, I felt awful, Sana, did he tell you all that stuff I said?”

“Just that someone he liked had said some bad shit about mental illness. That he left so he wouldn't have to deal with it. That it hurt really bad.”

“Fuck.” Isak said, rubbing the heel of his hand over his eyes. “I'm such a dick.”

“You're not a dick, Isak,” she said. “Not about this, anyways. I mean, I thought it was shitty at first, before I knew you, but then I met you and we were friends and you saying something like that seemed so... out of character. Nothing like the person I knew. And then you told me about your mom, and it made sense.”

“So you knew the whole time,” Isak said. “And you still were friends with me. Even though you don't like people who fuck over their friends?”

“Even fucked you over, too, Isak. You were both in the wrong, but it was only because you both misunderstood the other person. Okay? When I saw you the night after it happened, when you saw Even kissing Sonja.... I knew it was you, that you were the guy who made Even so upset. But I also knew that that meant you were the guy that Even slept with and then left. And I knew that you weren't out, so I knew how much that had to hurt. And after you told me the stuff about your mom I just.... It's okay to feel hurt by that, Isak. I don't think it makes you a bad person. Your mom and your whole family life and everything, you're allowed to feel hurt by that. Saying mean stuff is one thing, but the pain behind it is it's own thing entirely.”

Isak looked at her. “I hate thinking those things about my own mother, Sana.”

“I know. But I also know that that's a really hard thing to deal with, especially with your dad piling on. So, yeah, I think you owed Even an apology for the things you said. I think you owed him an explanation. And he accepted your apology and your explanation, and that's really great. But I think you're also allowed to be hurt by what's happened, okay? Just because your mom is mentally ill doesn't mean that what happened _didn't_ hurt, right? You can still love someone and acknowledge the pain caused by them.”

It made sense. Everything Sana said always made sense.

“You really knew everything from the beginning,” Isak said. “You're always in the know, Sana.”

“I really am.

Even: _Hey_

Isak: _Hi?_

Even: _What's the question mark for?_

Isak: _I don't get why you're starting a new conversation_

Even: _I'm not_

Isak: _When you say hey it's the start of a new conversation_

Even: _Where did all these texting rules come from?_

Isak: _All these? That's one._

Even: _Too many_

Isak: _You're such a baby._

Even: _Dinner's ready ;)_

Isak put his phone in his pocket. “Dinner's ready,” he told Sana.

“How do you know that?” she asked.

“I just know.”

“Really?” she asked. “The person you're texting didn't tell you?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Isak said, standing up. “Better hurry up. Mamma Bakkoush doesn't like it when people are late to dinner.”

“She doesn't?” Sana asked, following him down the stairs. “A year ago I'd never think that I'd have Isak Valtersen over often enough for him to know that.”

“Guess you got lucky, then,” he said with a wink.

“Isak, hi!” Pappa Bakkoush said, shaking his hand. “So good to see you again.”

“You too,” Isak answered with a smile.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Mamma Bakkoush said, running her fingers through his hair as he passed her. “How's the homework going?”

They'd finished their homework a few hours ago, after only going at it for thirty minutes. The rest had been mindless gossip.

“It's good,” Isak said. “Thanks for having me for dinner.”

“We love having you,” Pappa Bakkoush said. “Make sure you invite that sister of yours over sometime soon.”

“She'd love that.”

Elias and Even walked in together and Isak smiled shyly at Even. Even smiled back, holding eye contact, and Sana rolled her eyes.

“Hey, man,” Elias said, giving Isak a hug. “You and Even know each other, right?”

“Yeah, we've met,” Even said. Isak shook his head, unable to contain his smile. Fucking dork.

He didn't know what they were nor what they wanted to be. Right now, he was content with this.

  
**III**

“Cats are _boring_ , Issy!” Lea moaned dramatically, hot chocolate clutched in her gloved hands. “Why are you so _boring_?”

“I am not boring!” he said with a laugh.

“You're so old! I hope when I'm old like you I'm not boring.”

“You think I'm old?” Isak asked.

“Practically dead,” she answered.

“Wow. Harsh.”

She just nodded, sipping her hot chocolate, looking all smug and clever. Isak loved her so much.

He put one arm around her shoulders and said, “Who raised you. I would never raise someone so mean.”

“Look, Isak, it's that dog!” she said, pointing excitedly, and Isak looked up and saw Even striding almost purposefully towards them. Isak smiled at the grin on Even's face.

“Hi!” Lea said when Even stopped in front of them.

“Hey,” Even said with a smile, looking down at her. “Nice to see you again.”

“Can I pet Books?” she asked. When Even nodded, she shoved her hot chocolate into Isak's hand and he buckled under the struggle to balance it.

“You want to pet him?” Even asked Isak.

“No, I'm not really a dog person,” he said. He held his fingers out for the dog to sniff but as soon as it came near him he took a step back, yanking his hand to his chest.

Even laughed. “Wow. You're scared of dogs. Unbelievable, Valtersen.”

“I'm not _scared_ of dogs. I'm just... wary of dogs I don't know. He's just so big!” Isak said. “He's basically a wolf. Wolves were never made to be domesticated. At least cats are small enough that they can't turn on you.”

“He's a good dog! He's never bitten anyone before, or killed a squirrel or anything.” Even laughed again at the face Isak made in reply to his comment. He was wearing a beanie. Isak liked it when Even wore beanies, when his hair poked out from beneath the fabric. What a weird thought. Watching Even, Isak couldn't bring himself to care.

Isak looked down at Lea instead, smiling at her as she let the dog lick her face.

“Where are you two heading?” Even asked after a moment, eyes on Isak.

“We're just on a walk,” Isak said.

“We like going on walks,” Lea piped up. “Do you want to walk with us?”

Even smiled at her, then at Isak. “I'd love to.”

Isak was blushing like he hadn't already had Even inside him, like he hadn't seen Even naked. It seemed like all of that was in another life. It seemed like nothing mattered before they knew everything. Now they knew everything. Now they could heal.

Even let Lea hold the dog's leash because it was so well-trained it just padded contentedly by her side. Isak walked between Even and Lea, making eye contact with Even every so often and then checking to make sure the dog wasn't going to pull Lea into the street. It would have been a very long journey, since they were on a path in a park, but he worried anyways.

“Can I get another hot chocolate?” Lea asked.

“Absolutely not,” Isak said. “You've had plenty of sugar.”

“Can I have some water, then?”

“Can't you wait until we get home?” Isak asked.

“I'm thirsty _now_ , Isak,” she whined, and he rolled his eyes.

“You can stop by the convenience store I work at,” Even said. “I can yell at whoever's working to let you take a water bottle for free.”

“You won't get in trouble?” Isak asked.

“No. It's a convenience store. We can do whatever we want. Here, come on, it's this way.”

“Tell Even thank you,” Isak said to Lea, putting his hand on the top of her head.

She shook him off and said, “Thank you, Even.”

“You're welcome, Lea.”

“Do you guys know each other?” Lea asked, looking between the two of them. “You're acting like you like each other.”

“Sh,” Isak said, covering her mouth with his palm as Even laughed. Isak's cheeks were hot. “Yes, we know each other.”

“Do you want to kiss him?” Lea teased from behind his hand and Isak just shook his head and turned to say, “You shut up.” He looked back at Lea and said, “Keep licking my palm, I don't care.”

“Sorry,” she said, muffled behind his hand, and he pulled it off, wiped it on his jeans, as she smiled at him smugly. She knew damn well what she was doing. And she wasn't sorry at all.

She handed the leash back to Even as they approached the convenience store and Even handed it to Isak (who, horrified, held it an arm's length away) for long enough to step inside with Lea and call, “She's with me, let her have whatever.”

“Don't get any soda,” Isak said. “Just water. And a snack, if you want one.”

“ _Okay,_ Issy, gosh,” she said, rolling her eyes. She smiled brightly at Even, though, before disappearing inside.

“She'll be in there forever,” Isak said. “She looks at everything.” He handed the leash back to Even as hastily as he could and Even laughed as he called the dog over to sit at his feet.

“I thought Lea wanted to get a dog?” Even said. “How are you going to get a dog if you're scared of dogs?”

“Look, I'm not _scared_. I just.... If the dog's _my_ dog, I'll feel differently. It's like when people who hate kids have kids of their own? They still like their kids, right, but it doesn't mean they like anyone else's.”

“What a weird analogy,” Even said. They both leaned back against the outside wall of the store, and smiled at each other over badly-snuck looks. “Hey,” Even said, bumping his shoulder into Isak's. “Are you doing okay? Everything with your parents, and stuff?”

“Yeah, it's a lot better,” Isak said. “Thanks.”

“I just. I talked to Sana? And she explained to me what she explained to you, and I think she's right and I just want you to know that.”

Isak blinked at him. Sana explained a lot of things to him very often, so Even was going to have to narrow that down.

“About allowing yourself to be hurt over the things that have happened?”

“Oh, right.” Isak smiled. “Thank you.”

“No problem. It was all Sana, really. Just... you don't have to feel bad about being hurt by someone who's mentally ill. I know I maybe made you feel like that would be something bad. But it's not. It's really just the things you said. The words you used. Being hurt wasn't bad, or anything. I get it.”

“Thanks,” Isak said. “That means a lot. But I'm... I'm fine for now. You know? Everything's going really well.”

“That's good,” Even said. He was smiling. Isak was smiling, too. “You look happy.”

“I feel happy,” Isak said.

“That's good. I like seeing you happy.”

Isak smiled at the blush that overtook Even's cheeks. “I like seeing you happy, too.”

There was some silence between them. “Good thing we're friends, then,” Even said quietly, eyes fixed on the ground in front of him, on the swish of the dog's tail across his sneakers.

Isak nodded, watching him. Shy, nervous Even was something that would always have a special place in his heart. “Yeah. Friends.”

  
**IV**

How Isak got tricked into spending his lunch watching girls dancing was beyond him. His one saving grace was that he was sitting in the back corner where he could easily be ignored by the boys, where his facial expression went unnoticed, where he could stare at them in curiosity instead of lust.

It did nothing for him. Watching these girls in sports bras and spandex did nothing for him.

He didn't know why his mind was wired like that. He'd tried to deny it for a long time. He'd had sex with girls and tried to force himself to focus on them, but he always ended up closing his eyes and thinking of something else. Something much more masculine. And afterwards he hated himself, for a lot of different reasons, but he knew that he wouldn't have been able to do anything with that girl if he was looking right at her and seeing everything she had to give.

He felt like an asshole. He _was_ an asshole.

He leaned against the window and watched the girls with a blank expression. At least an expression of confusion rather than awe. He couldn't wait until they finished dancing and he could leave. He felt like a creep.

Even: _What are you doing in there?_

Isak looked up from his phone and glanced around the room until his gaze fell on Even and all his hundreds of layers standing in the doorway and smiling.

Isak: _Keeping up the straight persona_

Even: _You couldn't look less interested_

Isak: _Well you know why, don't you?_

He looked over and saw Even laughing.

Even: _Can I come over?_

Isak: _Sure, I don't care_

Even: _You sure know how to make a guy feel wanted._

Isak: _I'm playing it straight, Even_

He watched Even walk across the room and stop in front of them, hood up. “Hey, guys,” he said with a smile.

They didn't all chorus, “Even!” like that had tended to do since the first time Even showed up at their lunch table, they just waved him out of the way so he wouldn't be blocking the view of the dance girls anymore.

Isak got down and stood next to him against the wall. “You can't interrupt their staring,” he whispered. “They get mad.”

Even just smiled at him. “I can't believe I ever thought you were straight.”

It was getting easier both to hear and to admit to himself. Sana and Even were helping the self acceptance along nicely.

Isak just rolled his eyes and made a point of looking interested in the girls in front of him.

It felt good to be talking to Even again, in they way that they used to talk. It felt good to be friends again. They were healing together as they each healed separately, and Isak thought that maybe it was even better that way. He was getting over some of his own problems, and he was getting over his problems with Even, and he was doing it on his own. But he was also being helped along by Even's acceptance, and his presence, and his nice words, and he hoped that he was helping Even, too, because they were both each other's confidants, even if it was unintentional. Even was one of two people that knew Isak wasn't straight. Isak was one of few people who knew that Even was bipolar. It was only natural that they confide in each other.

He and Even could have been something good, if they hadn't ruined it. Maybe this was the chance to go back to it.

The girls finished dancing without Isak realizing it, too focused on Even's proximity. There was a lot they had to work through and a lot Isak didn't understand about their relationship, but he knew that being this weak in the knees and distracted by his mere presence was probably a bit more than friendship. Even if it was just residual, unresolved feelings from the time they'd spent together before, it probably wasn't a great sign.

Magnus started clapping and the boys all turned to each other to talk about how great it was.

“Even, man,” Mahdi said, standing up and slapping his hand. “Sorry. We were a bit distracted.”

“I could see that,” Even said with a laugh.

“Weren't they amazing?” Magnus said.

Even shrugged and Isak appreciated him.

“Dude, you'd have to be gay to not appreciate how banging that performance was,” Magnus said.

“Mags,” Mahdi sighed with an eye roll.

“Dude, when you say shit like that people think you're homophobic,” Jonas said.

“Me? I'm not homophobic. Even's bi, and I love him.”

Isak looked at him in surprise. Of course it made sense that Even was out and proud. He always initiated the first step of their relationship, walked Isak through it, showed Isak that he was wanted. But Isak just hadn't thought about the fact that other people know, because he was so deeply closeted himself.

He just felt so close to Even, now that they'd shared so much of themselves with each other. Sitting in that coffee shop for hours after their confessions and apologies had been more intimate than the sex they'd had with each other.

“Okay, then don't say shit like that,” Mahdi said. “You sound like an asshole.”

“You kind of are an asshole,” Jonas said. “But for different reasons. Not homophobic reasons.”

“Dick,” Magnus said.

Isak was watching all of them with furrowed brows. Of course he knew that his friends weren't bigots but this was surprising, too. He'd poisoned his own mind against everyone. He was completely expecting to see the worst in everyone he came across and for everyone to expect the worst from him, if he ever got the courage to come out.

“It's fine, Magnus,” Even said with a laugh. “I'm not offended, don't worry about it. I know you're a good guy.”

“I am a good guy. Thanks, Even.”

“You're welcome, Magnus.”

Isak smiled at Even when he turned back towards him, and Even smiled back so broadly his eyes crinkled up. Isak was glad they could do this again. He wasn't even thinking of how it'd end, because he knew that it would only make him overthink and ruin it and crash and burn afterwards.

So he was taking it a day at a time. Minute by minute. And he was enjoying it.

  
**V**

“Who's house is this?” Isak yelled above the noise.

“I don't know,” Mahdi yelled back, because he was the only one close enough to hear Isak.

“I'm gonna go out back!” he shouted, pointing to the back door. Mahdi gave him a thumbs up and Isak worked his way through the crowd until he could push his way outside in the darkness and pull out his phone. It was still early enough for Lea to be awake on a Friday night, if his mom hadn't wrestled her into bed (which he doubted, because if he spoiled Lea then he didn't even want to know what they called his mother's giving in). They were probably watching some baking competition on the TV until they both fell asleep together on the sofa. Isak kind of wished he was with them. He liked baking competitions.

“Stop worrying, Issy,” came Lea's voice, in lieu of a hello.

“Hi there, baby girl. What's going on?”

“We're watching Cupcake Wars.”

“Oh. Cool. Having fun?”

“Yep.”

“You sound annoyed.”

“Because we had to pause it so I could answer the phone. What do you _want,_ Isak, you're being an inconvenience.”

“That's a big word.”

“ _Isak_ ,” she groaned.

He laughed. “Okay, okay, goodnight. I'll be home after you're asleep. Tell Mamma I say goodnight and I love her.”

“Issy says goodnight and he loves you,” Lea recited monotonously, and then Isak heard the telltale sound of talking in the background, and then Lea was repeating, “Mamma says goodnight and she loves you, too. Bye, Isak!”

“Wait! Don't you want to say goodnight?”

“Ugh! Good _night_ Isak!”

“Night, Lea. I love you.”

“Love you, too.” She had hardly finished the sentence before she hung up.

Isak slipped his phone back in his pocket and went inside, upstairs to the bathroom where he and his friends always inevitably ended up at every house party. They were already there, sitting in the bathtub with Magnus propped up in the corner, so Isak slid down with them and took the makeshift bong from Mahdi's offered hand.

This was nice. Being able to do this again without worrying about everything. Without being out and social simply for the acceptability of getting completely wasted while out and social.

“Where'd you go?” Magnus asked.

“Called my mom,” Isak said.

“Why?”

“Because I love my mom,” Isak said. “And I wanted to say goodnight to my sister.”

“You're a weird guy, Isak,” Magnus said.

“That's me. Hey, I'm hungry.”

“You've taken like two hits,” Mahdi said with a laugh.

“So I'm not allowed to be hungry?” Isak asked. He took another few hits and then stood up from the tub, which was a bit of struggle. “I'm gonna go find food.”

“I doubt they have food out.”

“Well then I'm gonna go take some food from their pantry, I don't care. I'm hungry.” He walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him, surveying the crowd from his aerial view as he descended the stairs and smiling when he saw Sana.

“Sana!” he cried. He was a little drunk and pretty high and both together was a magical experience.

“Hey, Valtersen,” she said, giving him a half hug. Only then did he notice that she was standing with her girl group. He knew Eva very well, but the rest of them were pretty much strangers to him. He did know Vilde from kosegruppa and from annoying him in the hallways asking about Sana.

“Hey,” he said to them.

“Hey,” they all chorused back. The music was really loud.

“Even's here,” Sana called in his ear. “Want to go talk with him?”

“Sure!” he called back, because maybe Sana was playing matchmaker, and maybe she was way too smug about it, but maybe he just really didn't fucking care right now. The cross fade made him feel light. It made him agreeable.

Sana said goodbye to the girls and Isak waved a bit, awkwardly, before turning to follow her.

Even was in a quiet corner of the dining room and he smiled when Isak and Sana approached.

“Hey,” he said, leaning in to give Sana a hug, and then nodding at Isak with a smile.

“Hey,” Isak said back, because Sana didn't.

“Having fun at the party?” Even asked.

Isak nodded a bit before actually processing his question, and then said, “Yeah.” Okay, so he was a little bit more high than he had originally thought.

“Bye, boys,” Sana said, leaving with a pat on Isak's back, and then Isak didn't know what to do because he had been very abruptly left alone with the boy he used to like. _Used to._

“Do you want to smoke with us?” he asked Even. “We're all smoking in the bathtub upstairs.”

“Yeah,” Even said with a smile. “That sounds fun.”

“Cool,” Isak said.

“Cool,” Even replied.

“Is there any food out here?” Isak asked, glancing around.

“Uh, I don't know,” Even asked, looking into the living room. “Let's check the kitchen.”

“I'm high.”

“Oh, I know,” Even said with a laugh. “Come on, let's try in here.” He put his hand on Isak's back to push him forward and Isak reveled in the touch. When Even couldn't find anything set out on the counters, Isak started opening cabinets.

“Isak,” Even said in amusement, but he was already taking out a giant bag of pretzels and opening them. “Oh, too late, I guess. Okay, let's go upstairs.”

They pushed their way to the stairs, and people kept stopping Isak to take handfuls of pretzels, which he pouted at a little, but soon enough they were back in the bathroom and Isak resumed his position in the tub and Even sat on the other corner above Isak, opposite Magnus.

“Even!” they all cheered when he walked in behind Isak, who was clutching the pretzel bag to his chest.

“Hey, boys,” he said.

Once settled, they passed the bong around and Isak munched on his pretzels and the boys talked about girls but Isak was blissfully high enough to not be expected to contribute to the conversation.

When he leaned his head back, it rested against even's hip. He liked it so much he kept it there, and when he looked up, Even was smiling, too.

It seemed so sneaky. Like it was just them. And Isak wished that he didn't need this time to heal, because being with Even felt like the most right thing in the world all over again. He wished he could trust that it was a good idea. But it hadn't been the first time. Maybe it never would be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> send me your thoughts and opinions (yes, even those :D) either here or at supermansplaining on tumblr <3 thank you guys so much ily all :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay i'm back! thank you guys so so much for your wonderful comments and of course everyone who leaves kudos and messages me on tumblr i really really love it <3 i'm having a lot of fun writing this.  
> while i was on my little vacation (thank you for your patience) i planned out the rest of this fic *and* all the chapters for my next fic. so i should be able to put out pretty regular content from now until the next big vacation at the end of the month.   
> you are all so wonderful ily <3 <3 <3

**I**

They were talking all the time again, but it was different than it'd been before.

They had never spoken then about the things they could speak about now. It'd been mindless flirting and surface conversations, always guarded and always through text. They saw each other maybe twice a month at parties thrown by mutual acquaintances, making the count of actual, face to face meetings before they slept together a total of more than five but less than ten. Even then, they didn't talk about anything that mattered. They shared anecdotes that didn't mean anything because the other person didn't know the real story behind it.

Now—of course it helped that they went to school together and saw each other daily, but it wasn't the only reason. Now that they each knew everything, or as close to _everything_ as their current cautiousness allowed, the conversations flowed easier and deeper than they ever had before. It had never been hard for Isak to talk to Even, but it'd never been this easy, either.

Finally he had someone to talk to about everything. He could share grievances about his family and concerns about coming out without switching the source to whom he told these things. Instead of going first to Jonas to complain about the continued absence of his father without a promise to stay away, and then to Sana to express his worries about people finding out about him, he could tell one constant presence, all in the same natural conversation. It was easy. It was... better.

Isak: _It's late_

Even: _It is_

Isak: _Shouldn't we go to bed_

Even: _I suppose._

Isak: _Do you want to go to bed_

Even: _No_

Isak: _Me neither_

Even: _Good_

Isak: _Good_

He had a confidant, one that he would never expect. And he trusted Even with this information for reasons he couldn't fully explain because he couldn't understand them in the first place, not completely. It was a newfound connection, sure, a bond between them linked from all the things they had to go through to end up here again. But it was also the more fearful, guarded part of himself that said that for all the information that Even had on Isak, Isak had the same amount on Even. Neither wanted what they talked about to start circulating. It made it safe. Isak felt safe, when Even was listening.

After all that had happened, trust was still the biggest issue. Because Isak had trusted him, and Even, albeit mostly unknowingly and completely out of personal pain rather than maliciousness, had hurt him anyways. Isak didn't know if he could handle being hurt again.

He was allowing himself a lot of room on the leash, though. He didn't rein himself in when he sometimes thought he should. He shared things with Even that were more personal to himself than anything in the world, and while the fear was still there that Even couldn't be trusted with this information, couldn't be trusted to stay once realizing this information, fear was all it was. And Isak had never let his life be run by fear before. He wasn't going to start now, as much as his sense of self-preservation may have wanted.

Even: _Sometimes I think about what would've happened if I hadn't left_

Isak: _You can't do that. It only hurts._

Even: _I know. It does._

Isak: _I don't think we could've been together, then._

_Even if none of that happened._

Even: _I think you're right_

Isak: _There was too much between us_

_Too much set against us_

Even: _Everything we didn't tell each other._

Isak: _Yes. I think we're better like this._

Even: _And what is this?_

Isak: _...friends_

Even: _...friends?_

Isak: _Something like that_

Isak was laying in bed long after he'd put Lea to bed, long after he'd said goodnight to his mother. He'd been holding his phone to him for hours, texting Even until the early morning. They had school tomorrow. They shouldn't be awake still. But every time they went to separate, someone said something that started another long conversation.

They talked about everything now. Isak asked questions about Even's bipolar and Even answered them honestly. Even asked about his family and Isak honestly wasn't bothered to answer. It was still mostly texting, because the things they talked about deeply were still sensitive topics, private between the two of them. But they saw each other in school, too, and they talked then, too. About things carrying less weight, yes, but even talking about nothing seemed more genuine now. On the days that Even ate lunch with Isak and the boys instead of his own new friends it felt natural. It didn't feel forced or pressured or anything. Being friends with Even was the easiest thing Isak had ever done with him. Flirting took so much effort, hiding things from Even was difficult and felt like lying. Hating him was harder than anything, because Isak _didn't_ hate Even, not the way he should have. He hated himself for being stupid enough to give up that much of himself. That time in between, when they'd tried to work through it, was confusing and stressful, and he'd been filled with self-doubt. So now, being friends, as badly as they may have been doing that, it was easier than anything else.

Isak: _Why'd you break up with Sonja?_

Even: _Which time?_

Isak: _This time._

Even: _I felt like I was using her._

Isak: _Ok._

Even: _Why?_

Isak: _I don't know._

Even: _Okay...._

Isak: _Just curious_

Even: _Mmhm_

Isak: _Really!!_

Even: _Sure...._

  
**II**

“Lea!” Elias cried, bypassing Isak's presence entirely to pull Lea into a hug. “Good to see you again! How are you?”

“Good,” Lea giggled, hugging him back.

Isak stepped past them to greet Sana, standing behind Elias. “Hey, girl,” he said, wrapping her in a short one-armed hug.

“Hey,” she said, arm around his waist. “How's everything?”

“It's alright,” he said with a shrug. “Mamma's doing well. She's out at dinner with some friends, even.”

“That's great.”

“Thanks for inviting us,” Isak said, taking off his shoes and jacket. “Lea's excited.”

“I can see,” Sana said with a smile as Lea approached her. “Hey, little lady.”

“Hi Sana,” she said. “You're not wearing your pink scarf. How many colors do you have?”

“I have a lot of colors,” Sana answered. “I wore the pink hijab the last time you came over, though, didn't I?”

“Yeah, but you wear black a _lot,_ ” Lea said. “You should wear the yellow one some more.”

Sana laughed as Isak said, “Lea, Sana can wear whatever she wants. Black is her favorite color, just like green is yours.”

“Do you have a green hijab?” Lea asked.

“Of course,” Sana said with a nod.

“They're so pretty. I wish I could wear one.” Lea sighed dramatically and then promptly walked away from the conversation, heading towards the kitchen like she owned the place. Her confidence was admirable. Isak hoped it'd never go away. “Hi Mamma Bakkoush,” he heard her say, and then he heard Mamma Bakkoush's gleeful, “Lea! Baby! How are you?”

“She loves it here,” Isak said to Sana, smiling. “I really think it's helped her to have your mom in her life.”

“My mom loves having Lea in her life, too,” Sana said, smiling back at him. “But, hey, there's a while before dinner.” She dragged him into the living room and sat him down on the couch. “How are things?” she asked.

Isak knew exactly what she was talking about but said anyways, “I already told you that everything's fine.”

Sana rolled her eyes. “Don't be smart.”

“Sorry,” he said.

“How's Even?”

“You're better friends with Even than I am,” he muttered, not at all defensive or uncomfortable. “He's good. We're good. Friends, and all that. You know.”

She was smirking when he looked at her. “Sure. I know.”

“Don't look at me like that!” Isak said.

“I'm not looking at you any differently than before,” she said. “It's in your head. _Should_ I look at you differently? Is there something I should know?”

Anything Sana should know, she did know. So she was only asking to be polite.

“I just don't want to get hurt by him again,” Isak finally said, looking down at his hands in his lap. “He's being great. I don't want to hurt him or be hurt by him. I just want it to work.”

“People hurt each other all the time, Isak,” Sana said. “Better than dwelling on the things that happened, focus on the changes you both made. With everything you two talked about, do you really think either of you will make the same mistakes again?”

“No, but.... He went out of his way to hurt me _more_ , Sana. Everything else I can understand but... but _that_. That I can't accept. I know that he was hurt and I know that it was my fault, but I was hurt, too. And he kept trying to make it worse.”

“I'm sure he has his reasons,” Sana said. “I'm sure they're dumb reasons, like the entirety of this fight in the first place, but I'm sure that they're there. Let him explain it, okay? You're talking things through, now, aren't you? You're trying to be friends?”

He nodded.

“Then you should be able to talk about these things. You have to, really, if you want to be friends. If you want to move past what happened. Do you?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then talk. Just... talk. What is it with men and ignoring emotions?”

“You never talk to me about anything,” Isak said. “I always have to dig it out of you. You try to solve it yourself.”

“It's still a mostly male problem.”

“You're right, you're just a hypocrite about it.”

“As long as I'm right.”

Lea came bounding into the room with Elias in tow and she sat beside Isak, putting both hands on his face to physically turn it to her attention. He raised his eyebrows at her and she released him, face drawn up in a pout.

“What?” Isak asked, twirling a finger through her hair.

“What?” Lea repeated. Little shit.

“Do you need something from me?” Isak asked, pulling her closer with an arm around her shoulders.

“Elias said I wasn't your only favorite girl,” she said. Her eyebrows were drawn in concern at this information. “He said Sana was your favorite, too.”

“Of course I like Sana,” Isak said with a smile that only made her frown more deeply. “But you're my favorite, Lea. You'll always be my favorite. Sana doesn't need me at all, she doesn't even want to be my favorite.”

“Why'd Elias say that, then?” Lea demanded, and Isak glanced at Elias who gave him an apologetic shrug.

“Well, Sana's _his_ favorite. Right? If you had something that you liked a whole lot, you'd want other people to like it, too, wouldn't you?”

“I guess.”

“Don't worry, baby girl,” he said. “No one's better than you. Not to me. I promise.”

She smiled brightly again and hopped off the couch after planting a kiss on his cheek. “Okay. I'm gonna go help Mamma Bakkoush. Come on, Elias.”

“Oh, now you want to talk to me again?” he asked, although he was already standing up and she was already halfway out of the room.

“She likes being right,” Isak told him.

“Sounds like someone I know,” Elias said with a wink. Sana flipped him off as he left the room.

“I'm not your favorite, Valtersen?” Sana asked with a smirk.

“I was placating an eight year old,” Isak said, rolling his eyes.

“So?”

“You're one of my favorites.”

“Behind Lea?”

“Everyone in the world is behind Lea,” Isak said. And it was truer than anything. He'd give up everything he had for Lea, he'd move mountains for her. He'd give her every part of him until he had nothing left to give. She was his world, and everybody knew that.

So Sana just smiled. “You're a good person, Isak,” she said, and he smiled back.

“Where'd that come from?”

“I don't know. I guess I just.... I feel like you haven't been told that before. But I want you to know. Because I used to think you were the biggest fuckboy on the planet, and now look at us. So, yeah. You're a much better person than I used to give you credit for. And Lea's a lucky girl, to have you to look up to.”

Her words meant more than he could possibly express. For all the years that he'd raised his sister he'd had the underlying fear that he was irrevocably messing her up, the same way he'd been messed up. Projecting his fears and doubts and self-worth onto her. Wishing he'd done it differently after every decision.

But Lea was a sweet girl, a confident girl. She was strong and she was smart. And Isak had raised her to feel empowered by that, as best he could. He wanted her to know her worth as more than what the world would have her think. And if anyone was aware of their worth, it was Lea.

Listening to her babble about in the kitchen, talking about anything her mind landed on, he felt like he'd done something right.

  
**III**

“You just have to sit through this one,” Sana said.

“I don't--”

“You haven't _actually_ finished a meeting since I asked you to come,” Sana said. “If you had just gotten it over with the first time we wouldn't be in this mess, would we? Besides, you can relax. I'm making Even come, too.”

He'd be lying if he said that that didn't make him feel better. He'd also be lying if he said that his face didn't noticeably soften at that information, based on Sana's reaction.

“Whipped,” she murmured, before pushing him towards the auditorium seats and moving away from him.

He sat down and bobbed his leg as he glanced at the entrance over and over again in an attempt to see Even come in. He had his hands in his hoodie's kangaroo pocket and he was leaning forward and he didn't want to be here but if he had to then at least he was the only one forced into attendance.

He had resigned himself to a game on his phone so that he wouldn't look as desperate as he did, looking at the door every five seconds. So he didn't notice at first that Even had sat next to him, until he was nudged with an elbow that startled him so much he jumped.

“Damn, sorry,” Even laughed. “Didn't mean to scare you.”

“You could never,” Isak replied.

“I'm sorry,” Even said seriously, hand over his heart. “You are so brave. Scared only by people sitting next to you and golden retrievers.”

“I'm not having this conversation again,” Isak warned.

Even smiled at him but looked up when someone was stood in front of them. Isak looked up, too, the person's shadow falling over him.

“Hey, Isak.” The voice was perky and belonged to a girl he almost got a blowjob from. But it was after Even, after the two girls he managed to actually have sex with, and he couldn't go through with it. He hadn't talked to her in months. He didn't honestly remember her name; the night in the bathroom where he'd met her had been clouded by vodka and marijuana and pills.

“Hey,” he said, squinting up at her and trying to smile.

“I noticed you don't have a partner,” she said. “You haven't really been to the meetings before. So I'm sure you could join me and my friend over there, if you want. I'm sure Vilde wouldn't mind.”

“I'm actually his partner,” Even said with an easy smile. He held out his hand. “Even. Nice to meet you.”

“Emma,” she answered, with a small glance at Isak as she shook his extended hand.

“Thanks anyways,” Isak said.

When she was gone with a confused glance over her shoulder, Isak turned to Even and ignored the small pang of satisfaction that came with knowing that her flirting had upset Even, even if he wasn't shaken out of his polite mask at all. He ignored what'd just happened and said, “Do we really have to stay here the whole time?”

“I have a joint if you want to leave,” Even answered immediately, taking it from his pocket and putting it behind his ear as if he'd only been waiting for an invitation. “What do you say, one love exercise and then we'll go?”

Isak smiled. “Mamma always warned me about peer pressure from older boys and their drugs,” he said, turning to face forwards again.

“Really?”

“About all the bad decisions you make after you take drugs from guys who only want to get in your pants,” Isak continued, a smile playing on his lips when he heard Even laugh beside him.

“What bad decisions?” Even asked.

“I don't know,” Isak said, turning to him thoughtfully. “Maybe you let them in.”

“In your pants?” Even asked.

Isak nodded. “You sleep with guys who are two years older than you and who have provided you with weed and alcohol for four months.”

“That does sound like a bad influence,” Even agreed with a solemn nod.

“He was,” Isak said.

“I'm sure you won't make the same mistakes again.”

Isak wasn't so sure.

“Of course I won't,” Isak said with a scoff. “I'm older now. More _mature_. Can't let my self be influenced anymore.”

“Not by anyone?” Even asked.

“Not by anyone.”

Even smiled at him and Isak felt all those things he used to feel. But was it anything more than something left unresolved?

Isak looked at him and smiled back.

He thought it might be.

  
**IV**

The boys all got out earlier than him on Thursdays, so he was leaving school alone when he saw Even on the bench by himself, smoking a cigarette as kids filtered around him in the schoolyard.

“Those things'll kill you,” Isak said, sitting down next to him.

Even smiled at him. “It's a once-in-a-while indulgence,” he said. “Want one?”

“No, my sister would kill me. She's... very protective,” Isak said.

“You've got an eight-year-old running your life?” Even teased.

“Hell yeah I've got an eight-year-old running my life,” Isak scoffed. “Have you ever met an eight-year-old? Nothing gets past them. Especially Lea.”

Even laughed. “I'm sure. She seems pretty strong-willed.”

They sat side by side for a while in silence, looking out across the yard. It was comfortable. A month ago Isak wouldn't have thought he could ever be comfortable next to Even Bech Næsheim again. But he was more comfortable now with him than ever before.

“What are you doing out here?” Isak asked. “Don't want to go home?”

“Not really,” Even said with a sigh, and Isak had just been joking but now he didn't really know what to say. “You don't have to say anything,” Even said, looking at him with a smile. “I could _feel_ your discomfort as soon as I said it.”

“What's wrong?” Isak asked anyways. Even listened to him complain about his father over text for half an hour on multiple occasions, what kind of friend would he be if he didn't offer his own ears?

“I'm staying with my parents this week. They're just... a bit suffocating sometimes?” Even said, like he knew that it sounded bad. Isak didn't think it did. He thought it was perfectly natural.

“What about?” he asked.

“The whole, you know, bipolar thing.” He motioned vaguely to his head with one hand while stubbing the cigarette out on the bench beside him. He left it standing there for a second, both boys looking at it, and then he leaned over to discard it in the cigarette holder on top of the trash can. “It's kind of like I can't do anything without it coming back to that. I can't be happy without being manic and I can't cry without being depressed. I know they're just worried, and, I mean, they have a right to be, I guess. I just. Sometimes it feels like I can't fucking _breathe_ in that house because so much has happened there. Because my parents know and they're worried. I don't know.”

“Why do you have to stay there?” Isak asked, bypassing the question of _what happened in that house_ that he wanted to ask.

“My dad hates that I'm living alone, anyways, and they made me promise that when they thought I needed to come home, I had to come home. It was the only way I was allowed to move out.”

“Why do they think you need to come home?” Isak pushed. He was always afraid he was asking the wrong questions, questions Even wouldn't want to answer. But he felt the need to ask, anyways, just in case they were the right questions.

“They probably think I'm manic, or something,” Even said with a sigh, rubbing his hands over his face. Isak noticed that he looked tired. He wondered if Even had trouble sleeping like Isak did. “My sleep schedule's been off and that's sometimes a sign,” Even continued. “But they can't trust that it's anything different, like school stress or anything. And, I mean, I do have a problem with knowing when I'm manic, if I actually am. Like, I can't _see_ that I'm manic, only that maybe I'm slipping up before I really fall. You know?”

Isak nodded, even though Even wasn't looking at him but rather ahead at the street. The schoolyard was emptying and Isak didn't mind.

“I'm really sorry I said all those things,” Isak said quietly, when it seemed like Even was done talking. Even looked at him and Isak flushed and continued, “That night. I'm sorry.”

“I know you're sorry.”

“I shouldn't have.”

“It didn't matter. You didn't know.”

“I shouldn't have had to know to not say them,” Isak said. “I understand why you were upset with me.”

There was a “but” on the tip of his tongue and Even sensed it.

“But...?”

Isak sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back against the back of the bench. “I just.... I've been trying to get over it. You leaving, and everything. And I understand that part. That you didn't think we'd be good for each other.” Even nodded and Isak swallowed and turned to look at the street. “It's just the part that came after? You said you wanted to hurt me more, that's why you were so mean to me when you first came to Nissen?”

“I really regret that, Isak,” he said. “I'm sorry.”

“I know you're sorry, I just want to know _why_.” He wasn't angry and he didn't sound angry. He was calm and scared. And Even didn't seem angry, either, or confused or anything but completely understanding.

“I really liked you,” Even said. “Leaving you was... the hardest thing, really. And then the next time I saw you, I just. You didn't seem sad at all. And I felt like it was all in my head. Like maybe you didn't like me as much as I liked you, or maybe... fuck, I don't know, maybe my leaving didn't hurt for some reason, maybe you found out that I was crazy.”

“You're not crazy,” Isak said quietly, looking down at the ground.

“I know.” There was a smile in his voice. “That's not the point. I was stupid, okay? I was hurt. I thought that this thing didn't affect you and I hated that it affected me.” They were both facing forward instead of each other. “I blamed myself so much more than I blamed you,” he finally said.

Isak didn't know how to answer, so he didn't. He waited. He'd let Even speak.

“I wanted to hate you so badly, Isak. But every time I saw you, I didn't. So I kept trying harder. Thought if you hated me more obviously, then it'd be easier to hate you back. But I was just a dick that hurt you more and more every day, and it didn't change anything. I couldn't hate you when I knew it was my fault for making you feel this way. I ended up just hating myself.”

“I hated myself, too,” Isak said after a while. “You weren't alone in that. It was the first time I'd ever actually given into this thing that I didn't want to accept about myself. And so when you left, I wasn't angry. Not at you. At myself, maybe. I thought, 'That's what I get for sleeping with a boy.' Thought I was being... rightly punished. My mom always had me believe I'd burn for my sins. I thought this was one of them.”

They looked at each other, then. They looked at each other for a long time.

“It wasn't a sin,” Even said quietly, after too much time had passed. “I don't think it was wrong.”

Isak smiled. “Neither do I. Not anymore.”

  
**V**

He was exhausted.

He'd chased his mother around the neighborhood when he found her bedroom empty after he put Lea to bed. She'd gone out wearing a nightgown and nothing else. He searched all around the house and all the way outside and felt sickly reminded of the time he couldn't find Lea because his father had taken her. But his father would never take his mother. If there was one thing he didn't want in his life, it was his wife.

He'd run around the neighborhood, into the park. He'd called for her and called her friends and no one had seen her but they all said they'd look out. In the end he found her by the church, dark and closed to the public in the middle of the night. She was sitting on the steps. She was waiting until morning, she'd told him as he tried to pull her up.

“The morning's so far away,” Isak had said. Although at this point he'd been looking for hours and it was probably closer to sunrise than the prior day's sunset. “Please, Mamma, let's go home. We can come back in the morning, I promise. But no one's gonna come for a long time.”

“I need to speak to the pastor,” she said, looking up at him from where she sat on the stoop.

“You can talk to him tomorrow, okay?” He was begging. He knew he was, but he couldn't stop. He was so tired. “Please, Mamma, I want to go home. I want to go to bed.”

That seemed to snap something in her. Her eyes cleared and Isak felt his onset of frustrated tears turn to a quelling of tears of relief as he closed his eyes and she stood up.

“I'm sorry, baby,” she said, taking his hand, letting him lead her away. “I'm sorry. I'll come back tomorrow. Don't cry.”

“It's okay, Mamma,” he said. “It's fine.”

He got her into bed with three extra blankets to fight the chill from her bones, and then he collapsed into his own bed. Lea joined him sometime during the night complaining sleepily of a nightmare about a flood, and he just opened his blankets to her and let her slide in.

The next morning, after sending Lea off to school with a packed lunch, he skipped his first class to sit down with his mom on the couch.

“I really think counseling could be so good, Mamma,” he said, holding her hand. “I really do. You scare me so much when you disappear. What if Lea had been awake? She'd be scared, too.”

She didn't say anything. She looked at him like he hadn't said anything, either.

“I have a friend who goes to therapy,” Isak said. “Sometimes he leaves in the middle of the night, too, but he does it less since he started talking to someone. They even gave him medicine that helps even his moods out, and some to help him sleep when he can't. Maybe that would be good, huh?”

He didn't like that he was talking to her as if she was a child. Especially because she didn't seem to be listening. He just wanted her to understand. And when she started suffering from delusions, her comprehension levels started falling.

“I know you'd feel better, Mamma, please,” he said. “You'd be so much happier.”

“Happier?” she asked. The first word she'd said all day.

“Yeah, happier,” Isak said. “I know you will. I can even make the appointment for you, and I can walk you there. We can go get food afterwards, how about that? Talking about it will make you feel better.”

She fell silent, and Isak thought she was considering it until she said, “You should be in school, shouldn't you?”

Isak sighed and his eyes fell closed.

“I'm gonna make you an appointment,” he said. “Okay? We can go together.”

“You should go to school, baby,” she said. She was like this sometimes. She couldn't really process new information. It was okay. Isak could handle it.

“I'll go to school,” Isak said. “Will you be okay here by yourself?”

“I will.”

“Will you stay inside, please?”

She hesitated this time, before nodding.

“Mamma,” he said. “Do you _promise_ you'll stay inside? Please? It's not safe.”

“Promise,” she said, but he had a feeling that she'd be gone by the time he got home. He didn't know if that meant he should stay.

“Let me walk you to the church, Mamma,” he said. “On my way to school, how about that? You can talk to the pastor like you wanted to last night.” Her pastor was a kind, patient man. He could talk Isak's mother down from every religious rant and let her know that it was okay, using God's word, the only word she listened to when her mind was clouded.

“Okay,” she said, face brightening as she stood up. Before she could go out the door he had her put on her jacket and scarf and shoes, and then they left together.

The pastor accepted her with a smile and told Isak to have a good day at school, that she was in good hands, now. Isak knew that she was, but he wasn't one to stop worrying just because he was told to. _Don't worry, Isak_ , had never worked on him before.

“I'll make the appointment when we get home,” he told her, before hugging her goodbye and going to school two classes too late.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me comments or asks on tumblr (supermansplaining). literally talk to me about anything, it doesn't just have to be this :D love you all and all your amazing support <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for your wonderful responses i can't believe how many kudos i get but most of all i love the comments people write me, they really honestly make my day to read.  
> i hope you are all liking the (relative) break from angst haha you know how hard it is for me to keep things happy.  
> but anyways please talk to me! here or on tumblr (your asks make my day, especially when they have absolutely nothing to do with the fics haha i feel like we're friends when you send me random shit and ask me questions about my life).  
> anyways this wasn't proofread (not that it ever is) so if i made any terrible mistakes please let me know (the cons of quick updates oops).  
> thank you ily all <333

**I**

It was an admittedly flirty friendship.

No one else really knew it, because it wasn't their first idea, to look at the two of them and think, _That's some hardcore flirting._ But Isak knew it was, and Sana knew it was, and he assumed that Even knew it was. He figured it didn't have to mean anything. That maybe after everything they went through, flirting would just have to be the default.

That was bullshit. A dumb excuse that honestly just didn't make sense. But a lot of people make themselves believe a lot of things instead of facing the truth, and Isak was choosing to believe this. That it was inevitable, the direction they were heading. That it didn't have to _mean_ anything. As long as they were becoming friends again, the means by which it was happening wasn't too important.

If anyone at all had suspected that Isak was gay, then maybe he would have eased up on the blatant eyefucking. But no one did know Isak was gay, and as far as he knew no one suspected that Isak was gay, so he could look at Even with what he knew was lust and what Even knew was lust and what Sana unfortunately knew was lust, and it wasn't taken for a look of lust, but rather just a look. As long as he didn't touch, what was the harm of looking?

He felt more comfortable with his sexuality now than he had in a long time. When he was first talking to Even, the first time when he was sixteen and god-fearing, he had felt like he could someday come out, someday have what Even was offering. Now it felt like so much more than that.

He wasn't so fucking scared, now. Maybe it was because he'd experienced the rejection he so desperately feared, and he'd lived through it. He knew now that he could survive. And if he could survive that, then maybe he could survive coming out, and being who he was, and letting the word “gay” fall from his lips. Would that be too much to ask from a universe that seemed to fuck him over at every other turn?

They were spending far too much time together for platonic friends. Less than a month after resolving everything they were walking home together every day after school and stopping for a quick to-go cup of coffee that turned into them sitting and talking until it was dark out. Even had his own friends but he was spending more and more time at the table with Isak and the boys. They were becoming friends again, yes, and that was important to Isak, after everything. He just thought that maybe this wasn't the best way to do it.

Because rather than friendliness, he was feeling the stirrings of something different.

“You look good today,” came a distinct voice in his ear, and Isak almost lost his grip on the books he was removing from his (dick of a) locker as he jumped and turned around.

“You shouldn't sneak up on people,” Isak huffed, turning back around as if he wasn't buzzing with the feeling of Even so close behind him.

“You should clean out your locker,” Even said as Isak shoved some of his books into Even's empty arms. He struggled to balance them and Isak started crumpling loose paper into balls to shove into the back of his locker, to make more room for the books. “Oh my God,” Even said, pushing him away from his locker and letting the books fall back into Isak's hands. “You're a nightmare.”

Isak watched as Even smoothed out all the paper and set them in a flat pile on the top shelf. “Book,” he said without turning around, holding out his hand, and Isak gave one to him, then another after that one was placed neatly inside. And soon his locker was an unrecognizable tidy stack of what had plagued him all year.

“Neat freak,” Isak said, instead of thank you.

Even just smiled. “Ready to go?”

Isak nodded once, with purpose. “Ready to go.”

“Stop by KB?” Even asked.

Isak nodded again as they started walking down the school's hallway. “Stop by KB.”

Even shook his head with a fond smile. “Dumbass,” he said quietly.

“Me?” Isak asked, pressing his fingers to his chest? “You're talking about me? Oi. Jackass. I'm a genius.”

“Are you?” Even asked, like this was new information, as if Isak didn't get sixes on every test and then gloat to Jonas about it at the cafeteria table.

“Yeah, asshole, I am,” Isak confirmed. They stepped outside and the cold air felt nice after a day stuffed inside.

“I'm sorry, I didn't know,” Even said seriously, stepping in time with Isak. He was purposefully shortening his strides, and Isak knew it, and he appreciated it. He didn't need to be thinking about Even's long legs, although that probably wasn't the reason Even was walking slower, it was probably more about the fact that now they could walk together. _Not everything's about wanting to fuck Even, you jackass._

“You should have,” Isak said.

“I'm deeply sorry.”

“You're full of shit,” Isak answered, and Even laughed and said, “Yeah, I guess I am.” He winked at Isak. “About some things.”

Isak didn't know why it made him blush.

  
**II**

“How are you feeling about this, Mamma?” Isak asked, arm hooked through hers as they walked with Lea down the street.

“About what?” she asked.

“About... about the therapy appointment we're going to,” Isak said, exasperated. Maybe this wasn't the best time to do this. She'd be better again in a few weeks.

But Isak didn't _want_ to wait a few weeks. He knew it was stupid, but he didn't want to wait anymore. He had gotten his mother to agree to this, and she wouldn't agree when she was fine, when she didn't need it _right then_. So he was forcing the issue now, despite his doubts, the fears that it wouldn't work just yet, that she wasn't ready.

“Right,” she said, shaking her head as if it'd clear her thoughts. “Right, I know. I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to be sorry,” Isak said with a reassuring smile. “It's okay. I think this woman might help with that. But if she doesn't, then we can try again some other time. It's okay. No pressure. Stress free.”

“No pressure,” she repeated with a firm nod, and Isak smiled.

“No pressure,” Lea echoed from her mother's other side, holding her hand. Isak had asked her why she didn't hold his hand anymore, and she had just stuck her tongue out at him.

“Thank you, baby,” their mom said, smoothing a hand down the back of her hair. “I'm so glad you're coming. I'll do anything to get better for you, my love.”

Isak smiled as they approached the doctor's office. Lea pulled the door open and held it as their mother walked in, then closed it as Isak tried to pass through. He picked her up in retaliation, swinging her over his shoulder as she squealed. Most mothers would probably stop this behavior in a public place that was supposed to heal people's minds. Marianne just smiled, and Isak was glad he could do something to pull it out of her.

“Marianne Valtersen,” she told the man at the desk.

The doctor's name was Lise and she'd been recommended to Isak by Ann the last time he picked Lea up from a sleepover with Cathrine. She was good with people who broke from reality, Ann had said. Lise was a friend of hers, but Isak didn't think Ann would be so biased when it came to anything to do with Lea. Besides, any help at all would be good for his mother.

“She's ready for you now, Miss Valtersen,” the receptionist said, waving towards the door. “I hope you have a good appointment. Come on up here after it's over so I can schedule you for the next one, if this one goes well.”

The man was endlessly cheery, which Isak assumed might be useful in a place like this. He also assumed that the guy was probably some tired psychology student at the university, which made his mood even more impressive.

“Have a good time, Mamma,” Isak said, giving her a hug. “We'll be right out here.”

“Bye Mamma!” Lea said, jumping up so she'd have to hold her off the ground for her hug. “I love you. Good luck. I hope you have fun.”

“Thank you, babies,” she said, kissing Lea and then handing her off to Isak, who threw her over his shoulder again and made his way to the small sitting area. The therapist's office was only a small space in a large building rented out by dentists and local companies, so Isak and Lea took up half of the chairs they could fit in the room.

“Can I play on your phone?” Lea asked, holding her hands out to him and grabbing at his jacket pocket. “Please?”

He sighed and took it out for her, handing it over.

“Can you braid my hair, too?” she asked, already unlocking his phone and finding the games he kept on it specifically for her. “Please,” she added as an afterthought, then, “French.”

“One or two?” Isak asked as she angled her body sideways in her chair, eyes trained on whatever data-sucking game she was currently engrossed in. He ran his fingers through her hair to get out any tangles, and when she didn't answer, too invested in the game, he tugged on it lightly to get her attention. “Hey. One or two?”

“Two,” she answered dully, without taking her eyes off the screen.

He parted her hair down the middle and started the braid at her hairline.

“Tighter, Issy,” she whined.

“I've barely even started yet.”

“You got a text,” she said, and before he could do anything but look over her shoulder, she was opening it. “Ooh, it's from E-ven,” she sang, and he still had his hands in her hair and he didn't want to have to start over so there wasn't much he could do besides let this happen to him.

“It says, 'You looked cute in your science class.' Aw, do you got a boyfriend, Issy?” she asked. “I knew you wanted to kiss him!”

“Lea,” he groaned. “Go back to your game. Even doesn't concern you.”

“I'm gonna text back, 'Wanna french?'”

“Oh my God, who _taught_ you that?” he asked. “Don't write that.”

“You're such a stick in the mud, Isak,” she huffed, exiting out of messenger and going back to her game. “Just because you're not brave enough to say it doesn’t mean it shouldn't be said at all.”

“Stop acting so smart, baby girl, this is bigger than you.”

She blew a raspberry without averting her eyes from the phone and he went back to braiding, arms tired from being held up for so long.

He had long ago finished the second braid and Isak's phone had quickly run out of battery kudos to Lea's game, so they were playing twenty questions as their mom finished the appointment and stepped out.

“Mamma!” Lea said, jumping from the chair halfway through Isak's turn to guess an animal that was bigger than a cat and smaller than a dog and sometimes brown. She hugged Marianne. “Was it fun?” she asked. “Can I do it, too?”

Her mom laughed and her eyes looked clear and... good. She looked good. Isak wondered what they'd talked about to make her look so much better in just an hour. Or maybe her mood had just swung towards happiness in this moment. Either way, Isak was happy for her.

Dr. Lise emerged from the office behind her and shook Isak's hand, and they signed Marianne up for another appointment and she thanked Dr. Lise and said she had a great time and then that was it. His mom had sought help. She'd actively participated in it. Isak didn't think it'd be that easy.

They got ice cream on the way home, then stopped at a corner store—not Even's store, and Isak _wasn't_ disappointed—to get the junk food his mom always craved. Oreos and cookie dough and a can of whipped cream. Lea definitely got her sweet tooth from her mother's side, but at least Isak could get Lea to eat things other than sugar. His mom was kind of a lost cause, unless she was completely lucid and she could cook dinner. She never at the dinner that Isak made, and Isak really didn't blame her for it, because it sucked, but mostly it was because when he was cooking it was because she couldn't. If she couldn't cook, then she wouldn't eat anything but sleeves of Chips Ahoy cookies and saltine crackers.

It was a good day, though. Even if she was only going to eat chocolate, it was still a good day.

  
**III**

“Hey,” Even said, sitting down noisily beside Isak at the lunch table. “How's it going?”

“Fine,” Isak said, trying really hard not to blush at his proximity. The only way he could avoid it was by staring at the tabletop with a dumb smile on his face, which gave away even more than if he'd just looked and blushed.

“What are you eating?” Even asked.

“Waffles,” Isak said, turning to look at him, stabbing a bite of it with his fork. “Do you want some?” he asked, holding the fork out. Instead of taking the fork from his hand, Even leaned forward and ate the bite off of it while Isak was still holding it.

Isak rolled his eyes and glanced around and wondered how people didn't just fucking _know_ that they had slept together. He felt like it was the most obvious thing in the world. But no one spared them a second glance, not even Jonas and Mahdi discussing a video game on the other side of the table.

“You're so weird,” Isak said, putting his fork down and turning pointedly away from him, smile fighting for possession as Even leaned closer to try to catch his eye.

“Did I taint your fork?” he asked. “Because my mouth was on it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Shit, that means a lot of other things were tainted, too, huh, Isak?”

That shit-eating grin that Isak fucking loved. He turned back to face Even and slapped at his chest, face burning. “I don't know what you're implying,” he said, although, given his very obvious blush, it was clear that he did.

“Want me to make it clearer?” Even asked, then sat back and cleared his throat as if he was really about to clarify. Isak kicked him under the table and called him a douchebag.

“Hey, boys,” Magnus said, falling into the chair between Isak and Mahdi with his tray of food. “What's up?”

“I think I'm failing stats,” Jonas said.

“Why'd you take stats, man?” Magnus said. “You should be taking the easy math class like I am. All sixes all the time.”

“Dude, that math is for first years, of course you're getting sixes,” Mahdi said.

“Emma's in that class,” Magnus said, nudging Isak with his elbow, and Isak forced a smile (grimace?) and turned to share a quick glance with Even. Even, who looked amused but concerned.

“She's hot, man,” Mahdi said.

“And she's into you,” Magnus said. “She asks about you sometimes, in class. She knows we're friends, I guess, but, dude, I can't believe she's into you when the last guy she dated was a twenty-year-old model. And you're just _you._ ”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Mags.”

“But seriously. Why do you have so much fucking _game_?” Magnus continued. “You're not even using it. You haven't gotten laid in like two months.”

Isak glanced at Even out of the corner of his eye and hated that he felt guilty for sleeping with other people in the time they were apart. Sure, he hadn't necessarily wanted to sleep with these girls, but he'd had a right to do it. He and Even weren't anything at the time, Even had left him to go back to his girlfriend of three years, it's not like he'd been abstaining in the time they were apart. The thought hurt Isak, but he didn't question that Even had that right.

And it's not like Even was fixing him with any kind of disappointed glare. The guilt, like most things, was completely in Isak's overwrought head.

He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard the conversation, which had shifted to music, turn to Even, who said, “I've got a lot of Gabrielle on my phone.”

Isak stared at him. Even glanced at him, then stared back.

“What,” Isak said.

“What?” Even asked.

“You like Gabrielle?”

“Yeah, who doesn't?”

He wasn't about to argue about this now. “You _never_ told me you liked her. What the fuck? You specifically told me you _didn't_ like her.”

“When did I say that?” Even spluttered in offense.

“Like when we first met a year ago! What the fuck. You were all, 'What, you've never heard of Nas?'” Isak mimicked in a poor imitation of Even's deep voice that made him laugh. “I can't believe you were judging me so hard for that when you listen to Gabrielle.”

“Listen--”

Even was cut off by Magnus saying, “What the hell, you guys know each other?”

Isak was about to say, _Of course we know each other, Magnus, you idiot, we're literally always together,_ but he realized that he'd said “a year ago” and didn't really know how to answer anymore. He glanced at Even for help.

“I'm friends with Sana's brother,” Even said with a chill shrug. “We met once at her house last year.”

Isak threw him the most grateful glance in the world for saving his ass. As comfortable as he was becoming around Even again, he really wasn't sure if he would be able to handle coming out to the boys, especially Mahdi and Magnus. Coming out was supposed to be so that a weight would be lifted. Isak feared rejection so much that the pressure of it made it hard to breathe.

Even: _I was trying to impress you._

Isak glanced up from his phone to lock gazes with Even and smile. The weight was getting lighter, or at least easier to carry.

  
**IV**

He really wasn't sure what had gone wrong. His mom had loved Dr. Lise, she'd loved the appointment. She'd said that they talked and she just felt better, and Isak knew that it wouldn't be anything close to an immediate fix but he certainly hadn't expected to have this reaction the day before her next appointment.

“I won't go back!” she screamed, turning and throwing a picture frame on the bedroom floor. The glass didn't break but Isak was flinched and waiting for it to. “They're trying to get in my head! They're trying to know it!”

“Know what, Mamma?” he asked from the doorway. “You like Doctor Lise, didn't you? She was so nice, Mamma.”

She swept the top of the dresser clear of every trinket on top and they went crashing against the walls and floor. “They can't get to my _thoughts_ , Isak,” she insisted, turning to him desperately. “They want to _know_ , baby, they want to know.”

“Know what?”

“Everything he told me.”

Isak dropped his head against the doorframe and settled for just watching her. He tried to calm himself. Tried to quell the hurt and the fear and the anger. Because it wasn't her fault. He didn't want to be mad at her. It wasn't her fault.

“Okay, Mamma.”

And okay. Really. Today wasn't a good day, that was okay. He'd talk to her again about it later.

“Never going back,” she said. She had stopped throwing things when Isak had acquiesced. When he understood. He knew that she never meant to scare him or hurt him or anything. But the thought rose up in her head until she couldn't express them in words, and, frustrated with her inability of expression, she turned to other means. That's why she threw things, why she yelled what seemed like nonsense. It wasn't nonsense to her, it was as real as anything else. But no one understood and she couldn't find the words to explain so, defeated and misunderstood, this was her solution.

Who was Isak to deny her desires just because she wasn't well in this moment? Her emotions were still valid, weren't they? Her fears still scary?

She knew more about her mental illness than he did. Even if he was paired with every technical term and psychological definition, he would never know what it felt like to be her. To experience the thoughts in her head and the fears and the worries.

It was something his dad was never good at. Instead of letting her feel emotion, he yelled at her and tried to make her stop. It only made her more upset. His mom was not one to back down from a fight, not lucid nor confused.

“We'll talk about it,” Isak said. “Okay?”

“I'm never going back,” she repeated.

“Alright,” he said. “That's fine. Okay? And if you change your mind, we can talk, then, too. Okay?”

She hesitated, and then she nodded.

“Good. Okay. Let's clean up the room.”

They did it together, setting everything back in its place on the dresser and nightstand tops. She even made the bed and retreated downstairs with Isak after opening the curtains to let light into the room.

It's all she needed. Someone to listen to her. Isak was finding that out more and more, now.

“I love you,” she said, pulling him into a hug when they reached the living room.

“I love you, too, Mamma.”

It didn't stop him from worrying, from staying up that night. He was easily overwhelmed, and when he was overwhelmed he didn't sleep.

Something needed to change. Being so constantly in fear of every different part of your life isn't healthy.

  
**V**

Isak had to tell. He couldn't keep it inside anymore, he couldn't have only Even and Sana knowing, not after everything. He was so stressed about everything else that he didn't want to be stressed about _this_ anymore.

So he and Jonas got kebabs and sat on a bench in the park, and Isak let Jonas talk for a long time before a silence fell and he had to do more then just halfheartedly listen and laugh at the right times.

“So, uh,” he said, pushing the food around with his fork and staring at it. He didn't want to do this anymore. He wanted to back out. Losing Jonas would be—

He didn't want to think about losing Jonas.

“You alright?” Jonas asked.

But he wouldn't lose Jonas. Not with this. Not ever. He knew that. He had to keep telling himself, but he did know it.

“You know Even?” Isak asked, unsure of why he asked that. Of course Jonas knew Even. Even had been wherever Isak had been for the last month.

“Yeah, Issy, I know Even,” Jonas said. “What about him?”

“We....” He stopped, he took a bite, and he chewed, and he stalled. He swallowed. He stared ahead. Jonas waited. “We had a thing,” he finally said, turning to look at Jonas.

“Wow, with Even?” Jonas asked with a smile, nudging him with his shoulder. “Nice catch, Isak. Handsome guy.”

Isak couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out. It was mostly relief, mixed with all kinds of disbelief. “What?”

Logically, he'd known that Jonas would never hate him. But it's different, when you're experiencing it instead of considering it.

“He is!” Jonas said defensively. “Would you rather I called him ugly?”

“It might make it easier to get over him,” Isak said, looking down at the food in his lap, smile falling from his lips. “Because I'm not doing a very good job.”

“Why do you want to get over him?” Jonas asked in surprise. “Wait—when did you have a thing?”

“Last year,” Isak said, wincing as he glanced at Jonas.

“Last year?” Jonas repeated. “What?”

“Yeah. When he was at Bakka. I met him at Sana's house. He's friends with her brother.”

Jonas didn't comment on the fact that Isak had kept this from him. Jonas wasn't the kind of person who would try to make him feel bad for it, of course not, but Isak had expected some sort of comment. Instead, Jonas just said, “You're not acting like you want to get over him,” and Isak had to smile.

“No. I know I'm not. I don't... I don't know if I _do_ want to get over him, I just think I should. I should get over him and I should _want_ to get over him.”

“Why? What happened?”

Isak looked straight ahead. He'd come this far. “I slept with him. Last year. And then I said some dumb stuff and he left me, so I thought—you know how my mom is. She's never said anything about, you know, _that_ , but she's said a lot of other stuff. And I know how people feel about... about people like me.” He couldn't even fucking say the word. “So I just... I guess I thought it's what I got? You know, some kind of divine punishment. It's stupid.”

“It's not stupid. Your mom's said a lot of things, it makes sense that it's worked it's way into your subconscious. But I really really don't believe that your mom would care about this, Issy.”

That hadn't been what Isak was (consciously) worried about, but now he was. And he thought that maybe he'd been hinting at it, hoping that Jonas would pick up on his worries. Because he _was_ worried about this. Worried about losing his mom, after everything they'd been through together. What would he even do if she decided to stop loving him for this? He wouldn't be able to live at home anymore, he would never get to see Lea. And Lea certainly wouldn't grow up well-raised in a house with only her mother, who couldn't get out of bed for weeks at a time.

“You can't know that, though,” Isak said. “You can't promise me that it'll be okay. That she won't care.”

“Your mom is not a hateful person, Isak,” Jonas said.

“But she loves her faith.”

“And her faith tells her to love everyone. Not to judge. Your mom isn't someone to... to wield the word of God. She would never weaponize the faith she loves.”

Isak wanted to believe him. He just couldn't yet.

“Tell me about Even,” Jonas said, sensing this. “Why do you want to get over him? Because from what I can see, he's completely infatuated with you.”

Isak blushed and ignored his last point. “I just don't know if it's a good idea. I don't know if we'd be good for each other. He really hurt me. And I really hurt him. It was... awful, Jonas.”

“But things are better now?”

Isak nodded. “We've talked a lot about it. About what happened, and about trust, and stuff. And we're trying to be friends but it seems like we've just... skipped that part. Like we're heading right back where we were.”

Jonas nodded, absorbing this information. His thoughts were always thought-out and meticulously worded. He didn't ever jump into anything, and Isak appreciated that. He needed that levelheadedness to guide him.

“Are things any different now?” he finally asked. “Do you feel like you can trust him? Do you feel like things are better this time around, than they were the first time?”

Isak shrugged a little. “Yeah. Things are better. Everything's a little bit more real, so that's good. I just don't want to make another mistake.”

He didn't want to get hurt again. He didn't want to say that aloud, though.

“I think,” Jonas said, “if you really want to get over him, then you can't be friends with him. I think until you break from each other for a bit, you'll always wind up in the same place. So here's the question: do you want to not see Even? Do you think you could?”

Isak's chest tightened even at the thought, and he shook his head.

“Then I think that's your answer, buddy,” Jonas said with a smile.

Maybe it was.

  
**VI**

_Isak was dragged back to a party the night after everything with Even. He'd gone with Jonas and the boys when he'd wanted to wallow. He'd gone specifically so that he wouldn't wallow. Because, yes, Even had left. Isak knew that and it hurt, it really fucking hurt. But he wouldn't cry about it._

_It was just a sign that it was clearly a mistake. Just a sign that it was a sin._

_Sinners get punished if they don't repent. And that was his punishment._

_So they went to the party, and Isak drank too much. Drank so much that he was desperate to think that Even had left him for some reason other than just not wanting him anymore. He hadn't thought that Even was the kind of person to abandon as soon as he got what he wanted from someone. But maybe that was a stupid assumption._

_It's why he began searching the crowd for his familiar face. They hadn't talked at all since that night but Isak wanted closure._

_He supposed he got it when he saw Even with her, kissing her in the doorframe and smiling at her afterwards._

_It was so fucking stupid to cry over boys._

_He couldn't help it, though. He pushed his way through the crowd and into the bathroom and he shut the door and he cried. How could he be so dumb? Even wouldn't leave his smart and beautiful girlfriend for him. He'd been with Isak for the risk of it, for the thrill, and he'd left him when he took what Isak had to give. Isak shouldn't have expected anything different._

_There was a knocking on the door and he didn't have the strength to tell them to go away. He was in a bathroom far away from all the action of the party, in the back of the upstairs of the house. Whoever the fuck this was could go find a different one._

“ _Isak?” came the voice. Unfamiliar and female. “It's Sana. Are you okay?”_

_Sana. They'd been paired up for a science project once a few months ago, but they hadn't talked since. But Sana knew Even, Sana's house was where they met._

“ _I know what happened, Isak, I'm so sorry,” she called. “I'm not going to tell. Just let me know that you're okay.”_

_He opened the door after that, eyes wide and heart racing, tears drying on his cheeks. “You know?”_

_She nodded. She looked so sorry that she knew. “I never meant to find out.”_

“ _How.... What do you know?” he asked, bringing his sleeve across his face to wipe away the wetness._

“ _Even told me he hooked up with someone last night,” she said, closing and locking the door behind her. His breath was caught in his throat. “He didn't say it was you. He'd never do that. But he said it was a boy, and he said that he'd left. I'm sorry, Isak. I saw you watching them. I just. I assumed it was you. I don't want anything from you except that you tell me you're gonna be okay. I'll leave you alone after that, if you want.” She smiled a little bit at him and it put his nerves halfway at ease. “But I'm a great listener, too, if you'd like.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so part III was from a wonderful prompt from turn2-page394 on tumblr, thank you so much for the fluff, babe (you can find the ask in tagged/prompt and send me your own if you want :D)  
> thank you all so much <333


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much again and as always <333 i love your comments and asks!  
> thank you especially to everyone who reblogs my links on tumblr, that's so amazing of you and i really really appreciate it :)  
> not proofread (at all, honestly, i'm posting this literally as soon as i finished it)  
> talk to me if you want <333

**I**

“Sweet place,” Isak said, taking off his shoes inside Even's front door. The dog was in front of him with a wagging tail and Isak was trying not to freak out about it.

“Yeah, it's a little... dingy. It's cheap, though.” Even shut the door and helped Isak out of his jacket so that he could hang it up. It seemed like he was hanging it up for show, because the other hooks were empty and there were clothes strewn everywhere. “Books, go lay down,” he said, and the dog padded away to lay down on his bed, panting happily up at Even for approval.

“No, it's nice,” Isak said, turning back to him and finding him much closer than he could've anticipated. The entryway to the apartment wasn't big, so it wasn't like Even was purposely invading his personal space. Isak looked up at him and Even was smiling back down. Okay, maybe he was a little bit on purpose. Born of both necessity and desire. Isak could live with that.

“Do you want something to eat?” Even asked, walking into the studio apartment's kitchen. Isak followed behind him.

“Like what?”

“I make a mean cheese toastie,” Even said, smiling at him. “But you know that already.”

“I do. You tried to bribe my forgiveness with a cheese toastie, if I remember correctly.” Isak pulled himself onto the counter and Even slid a chair under his feet as he laughed.

“It was a peace offering,” he said.

“It worked,” Isak told him, and they smiled at each other.

Isak was _supposed_ to be helping Even study for an upcoming exam for some basic math that Even was taking and struggling with. And he kind of was, but he was also drinking beer at four pm on a Tuesday, sitting on Even's bed—which was its own exciting thought process, honestly, because this was Even's bed and the last time they'd been in a bed together it hadn't been as innocent as studying math.

“I don't understand it.”

“It's basic algebra.”

“It's not basic if I don't understand it.”

Isak smiled at his frustration. It seemed that, even if this had been a ploy to get Isak in his home, he really did need help. “You're right, sorry.”

“Not everyone's so good at the nerd topics,” Even huffed, trying desperately to solve for _x._ The beer in his system probably wasn't helping.

“Yeah, some people are better at being hipster art douches.” He tapped Even's temple with his pencil. “Focus.”

Even was on his stomach on the bed, hovering over his textbook with a piece of notebook paper on top, scribbled with the assigned problems and pencil-drawn sketches.

“This isn't fun,” Even groaned, collapsing his head into his folded arms. Isak was sitting beside his head and had to physically stop himself from running his fingers through Even's hair.

“I know,” Isak said. “But you have to do it. I'd do it for you if you didn't have an exam coming up.”

“I don't need it, though,” Even mumbled into his sleeves, face still hidden from view. “I'm not going to college.”

“You're not going to college?” Isak asked.

“I want to work in film. I'm sure I can do that without college.”

“I don't think that's very well thought out.”

“I've Googled it,” Even said, lifting his head back up.

Isak laughed. “You've Googled it? What'd you Google?”

“I Googled, 'Can you get into the film industry without a degree,'” Even answered.

“Your Google searches sound like something an eighty-year-old would write.”

“Wow,” Even said. “Mean.” He smiled at Isak and sat up.

“Why don't you want to go to college?” Isak asked. No judgment, just curiosity. For him, there'd never been a question. He liked learning stuff and he was good at it and he wanted to continue his education and get a degree and a job that he would only be able to get with that continued education and degree. It seemed inevitable to him.

“I don't like school,” Even said. “I'm not good at it, I don't want to do it, I don't think it'd help me. I feel like I'd just be... distracted, and stuff, and learn to hate it, and I don't want to hate it.”

Isak smiled at him. “That's good. That you know what you want.”

“Yeah?” Even asked. “You don't think it's stupid and reckless like my parents do?”

“As long as you can support yourself and you're happy, I don't see the harm in it,” he answered with a shrug.

“And maybe I can marry a hot and successful doctor, and he can support me.”

Isak blushed at that. “You'd have to be pretty lucky to find someone like that who'd put up with you.”

“I kind of feel like I already have,” Even said pointedly, grinning. “I could be a great sugar baby.”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Of course, he's not old enough to be a doctor yet,” Even said, leaning back against the wall the bed was pressed against. “But I could get my foot in the door early.”

“You'd have to be emotional support through years of frustrating graduate school. Whoever this guy is,” Isak said. “He'd also have to, you know, want you.”

Even smiled. “Oh, he does.”

Isak blushed again. _Calm down, you horndog._ “You're pretty cocky.”

They fell into comfortable silence, Even drawing something on his paper that Isak wasn't looking at, studying his profile instead. “Can I ask you a question?” he said.

“Go ahead,” Even replied without looking up from the paper.

“It's about therapy.”

“Okay.”

“I took my mom to the psychiatrist two weeks ago. Or the psychologist, or whatever. Um. And my mom really liked her at first, when she first came out of the appointment. But since then she's refused to go back. And I don't really know why, or if something happened? It seemed to help her.”

Even looked up from the paper as he thought about that, looking not at Isak but at the space in front of him. “I don't know. Sometimes it seems alright in the moment, but when you think back on it, it's just... you remember that you shared a lot of yourself and you overthink it. Because you're supposed to share everything with these doctors. Sometimes that's scary.”

Isak absorbed this information, then looked at Even. “Do you think I can get her to go back? Make her know that it's okay?”

“She needs to want to do it for herself,” Even said. He turned to look at Isak, and he smiled. “Just try and make her see that her life could be better. If she can handle it, she should try again.”

“Thanks,” Isak said with a small smile.

Their gazes were held in a completely not-platonic way for too long a moment.

“Do you want another beer?” Even asked quietly, voice an octave too deep, eyes falling to Isak's lips for half a second before darting back up to his eyes.

Isak nodded and tried to control his stupid feelings. When Even stood up to grab the beer from the fridge, Isak glanced at the notebook paper, and saw a boy with a snapback. He smiled.

  
**II**

Even left a drawing in his locker, a comic with two panels. The first had two boys sitting on a bed without touching, and in the second they had their arms around each other. _At the same time in a different universe, where we got it right the first time._ Isak was still smiling at it in biology, holding it in his lap and unfolding it to look at it every few minutes.

“Dork,” Sana said, sitting down beside him and making him jump.

“Me?” he asked, pressing an offended hand to his chest.

“Is that from your boyfriend?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he said, shoving the paper into his backpack. Carefully. So that it didn't crumple or wrinkle or rip.

“Hm,” Sana said, taking her notebooks out of her backpack.

“Don't say that,” Isak said.

“I didn't say anything,” Sana replied.

“Don't... hum that, then.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” she mocked, voice going deep and dumb.

“Your little... noise of disapproval.”

“Who said it was disapproval? I'm this relationship's biggest supporter.” She winked at him and opened her textbook.

“There's no relationship to support,” Isak said, sinking down in his chair.

She rolled her eyes. “Really with that shit? I'm the one person you're not allowed to lie to about this stuff. Spill.”

Their voices were so quiet, and no one was listening, but Isak was still so new to talking about this kind of thing that the sheer thought of being in public while discussing it was scary. “We're not really anything,” he said with a shrug. “I mean, we're friends. We're not really anything but friends.”

“Really?” she asked, in that way that people said _really_ that actually meant _don't bullshit me, I know you're lying._

“I mean we're not technically, officially anything but friends,” he said, not looking at her.

“Why's that?”

“Because we're not ready to be technically, officially anything but friends,” he snapped, turning to her.

“Don't project your own relationship insecurities on me,” Sana said, just as calmly as she said pretty much everything else. “Do you _want_ to be something more than friends?”

“I don't know.” That was a lie.

“It seems like you do.”

Isak shrugged, flushing pink, like he didn't think of Even all the time, like they didn't text all day, like he didn't dread parting from him at the end of the tram ride.

“Don't keep yourself from nice things just because you're scared of getting hurt,” Sana said.

“That's nice to hear, and all,” Isak said, “but it's not that easy.”

“I know it's not,” Sana said. “It's one of the hardest things in the world, to take that risk.”

“And what if it isn't worth it?”

“What if it is?”

Isak watched her for a long time, and she just stared back.

“I don't like it when you're all vague and smart.”

“Can't help it, babe,” she said, patting his cheek and then turning to the front of the classroom as the teacher took her place by the whiteboard.

  
**III**

Even was in his house.

Even was in his house, talking to his sister. Even was in his house with his giant dog, eating pizza and talking with him and making his little sister laugh.

This was his life. Or something. What the fuck.

And Even was so good with Lea, and it was so hot. He could do little more than sit on the couch and bite his lip and watch Even build Lego towers with her. He even started the petting the dog without really noticing, because it came up to him while his eyes were dragging up Even's body and it nudged its way beneath Isak's hand and so he just started petting its big head without any thought.

When he noticed he found that he didn't really mind it. The dog was looking up at him as if he was the best person in the world, and it wasn't, like, eating his hand or anything. Besides, the way Even looked at him when he caught Isak petting the dog made him willing to do just about anything.

If Isak's gaze was hungry, he wondered what they'd call Even's.

What were they really expecting would come from this thing they were calling friendship? An eventual relationship, or just continued pining?

When Isak looked at him, he didn't think he'd care. He figured he'd let this progress as much as he could.

He really didn't think Even would ever want to hurt him. Not after last time. And he didn't ever want to see Even hurt again, either, at his hands or anyone else's. So he thought that maybe it could work, just waiting and seeing what happened.

He needed to stop biting his lip like Even on the floor with Legos was the absolute sexiest thing in the universe. That was what he needed to focus on right now. He needed to control his damn libido.

But, Jesus, if he could press Even into his mattress right now he really would without a thought.

_Oh my God you need to chill._

He moved into the kitchen to put some distance between them, which didn't work because Even came up too close behind him and reached next to him for the cup of water he'd left on the counter earlier. When Isak turned around to look at him, he was only a few inches away.

“You're testing me, aren't you?” Even asked, looking down at him with a smile. The look in his eyes hadn't shifted away from desire, not yet.

“What?” Isak asked, swallowing tightly, trying not to look at his lips.

“Being so sweet with the dog, looking like you do,” Even said. “God, you were....” He didn't finish, just looked at him.

“Well what about you?” Isak asked, pushing an accusatory finger into his chest. Even rocked back with it, but stood up straight in front of him again. “Being so good with Lea—Jesus, Even.”

“Yeah?” Even asked. “Did it make you want me?”

Isak snorted, because that was enough to break the tension, the exaggerated way he asked that. “Yeah, Even, God. Irresistible.”

“Yeah,” Even said, nodding his head. “You want me.” He winked at Isak before going back to the living room, and he'd just been joking—hadn't he?—but Isak was flushed and had to take a minute alone to collect himself.

Lea was on the floor with the Legos, the dog's head in her lap and her hand on top of it lazily.

“Issy, come here,” she said without looking at him. He sat down next to her. “Look at this dog,” she demanded.

He did. The dog looked back.

“We _have_ to get one, Isak, it's _so_ important that we get one. Look at him, he _loves_ it here, any dog would love it here. Don't you think, Even?”

Isak had honestly kind of hoped this would somehow resolve itself, because he didn't feel like looking for a dog with Lea and then having to take care of it after Lea inevitably got bored of being a dog owner and left the responsibility to him. But he had promised. He didn't break promises to his sister.

“I think a dog would love it here,” Even said with a nod. “But Isak's got a lot on his plate, you know. Plus, he's scared of dogs.” He said the last bit kind of conspiratorially, like it was a piece of gossip.

“I am not,” Isak said, looking across the Lego castle at him.

“Sure he's not. But he probably wants a cat,” Even said.

“Cats are so _boring_ ,” Lea moaned, falling onto her back in dramatics. Books shifted up her body to rest his heavy head on her chest and lick her chin. “They don't do anything but... be mean to you and sleep.”

She had a point.

“I don't want a cat,” Isak said. “It's fine, Lea, we can get a dog. Just wait a little bit, okay? Be patient?”

She rarely asked for anything. He could do this for her.

Even was building some risky archway out of Legos and Isak was watching him as he stacked a green tower and they looked at each other and smiled. Isak thought that maybe he could have this.

  
**IV**

“You need to stop being jealous.”

“I'm not being jealous.”

“You're pretty obviously being jealous.”

“I'm just standing here. I didn't, like, interrupt his conversation or anything.”

“You were standing here staring at them like you wanted to kill her and kiss him.”

“Well I do.”

“That's a bit dramatic.”

“Is it?”

“Even.”

“Jonas.”

Isak had been standing behind them for a while at this point, so when he cleared his throat both Even and Jonas whipped around to face him. “Who are you talking about?” he asked with a smile, catching Even's gaze. Even was blushing, and holy shit. It was so fucking cute.

“Nobody,” Even mumbled, smiling at him.

Isak raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

Even nodded, blush still on his cheeks. “Really.”

“Because I could _feel_ your eyes on me when I was sitting with Emma.”

Even shook his head. “That wasn't me.” He reached for Isak's beer and took a sip.

“Oh. Guess I have more admirers than I thought.”

“This is gross,” Jonas said, walking away. “I'll talk to you later, Issy.”

“Bye,” Isak said without looking away from Even.

“Bye,” Even echoed, eyes locked on Isak's.

“Disgusting,” Isak heard Jonas say as he made his way through the crowd in Noora's shared apartment.

“Did I hear,” Isak said, leaning against the doorway, “that you're jealous of Emma?”

“Why would anyone be jealous of her?” he asked with a scoff. “She's judgmental and annoying. I would never be envious of someone like that.”

Isak laughed. “Oh my God, Even.”

“I was just watching,” Even defended. “Observing the gay guy and his unknowing admirer.”

“One of many admirers, apparently. Because there's Emma, you, and whoever was jealous of the fact that Emma was talking to me.”

“Seems like a dumb guy,” Even said. “You'd have to be an idiot to be jealous of that.”

“Why's that?” Isak asked in amusement.

“Because clearly you're totally into another person,” Even said. “That guy should be worried about me, not _Emma_.”

Isak shook his head. “You're an idiot.”

“Wanna smoke?”

Isak smiled. “Sure.”

They could have just lit up where they were standing, but what's the fun in that? So they made their way to a window and sat on the ledge and ignored all the people bustling around them as Even lit the joint. “Do you only hang out with me for the free weed?” he asked, handing the joint over.

“You caught me.”

“I should demand payment,” Even said, and Isak could see the way Even's eyes moved to his lips as he took a long pull.

“What kind of payment?” Isak asked, at it definitely came out a little more sultry than he had intended, but he didn't regret it at all, based on the way Even looked at him.

“I'm sure we could think of something,” Even said, and Isak found himself blushing this time. Back to the way it always was, that unfair power imbalance, but at least he knew that he had the influence over Even to bring the pink to his cheeks in the same way Even did to Isak.

“You shouldn't be jealous of Emma, you know,” Isak said, moving to sit closer to him.

Even swallowed at his proximity. “No?” he asked, eyes falling to his lips and back up to his eyes. He sounded pained. Isak would only have to move an inch to be literally _in_ his lap.

Isak shook his head and breathed out, “No,” watching him closely. The teasing was done, over, finished. The air was heavy around them but the atmosphere felt thin. A nudge of his chin two inches and they'd be kissing.

But—no. It wasn't right, not yet. Especially not here. The more things shifted between them, the more scared Isak got.

“I think I should get some air,” he said, not wanting to pull away. He wanted to beg Even. _Don't let me leave._ But Even would never force him into anything, would never pressure or guilt. And so Isak was allowed to stand up, with Even watching him, a smile on his lips. “Do you want a beer?”

Even shook his head. “I'm good.”

“Yeah?” Isak asked.

Even smiled wider. “Yeah.”

“Okay. I'll be back.”

“You'll be back,” Even confirmed with a nod.

“I'll be back.” Isak smiled, fought the urge to touch him in any way, and walked to the kitchen with a firm nod as Even laughed at his reluctance to leave.

It was in the kitchen, mostly empty right now, that he was approached by Noora's tall roommate.

“Hey, Isak, right?” he said.

Isak turned around and smiled. “Yeah, Eskild?”

Eskild nodded with a smile. “How are you?”

Isak shrugged. “I'm alright. I actually... I thought about talking to you tonight,” he admitted. Shyly. Because it was one thing telling Sana and Jonas, it was very much another to tell a stranger.

But Eskild had found him on Instagram the day after the last kosegruppa party at Noora's flat, and when Isak went through his profile—because he was curious about the only other gay guy he knew, maybe, or maybe because he'd been thinking a bit too much about Sana telling him that Eskild would be good for him to talk to—the guy seemed... awesome. Totally comfortable in himself and amazingly open. He seemed kind and helpful. He was on Noora's Instagram account, too, and he looked happy and Noora looked happy and Isak wished so bad that he had someone _like_ him to talk to, and despite his discomfort, he wanted to do this.

“What'd you want to talk about?” Eskild asked, leaning against the counter.

“It's kind of... personal?” Isak said. “And I know I don't really... you know, _know_ you. But Sana told me it'd be a good idea.”

“I'm all ears,” Eskild said. “The best listener. The best secret-keeper, too, if that's what you need.” He said it with a wink, and Isak wondered if he already knew. There is that myth that gay guys could, like, sense other gay guys. Or something. Maybe it wasn't so much of a myth.

“I, um. I sort of came out, recently, to like... two people. So no one really knows.” He wanted the ground to swallow him up as soon as he said that, his cheeks on fire, but Eskild but a weighted hand on his shoulder and was smiling when Isak looked up from the floor to glance at him.

“That's amazing, Isak,” he said. “I'm really proud of you.”

Eskild barely knew him, but he was proud of him. Isak couldn't explain how much that meant to him.

“Thank you,” Isak said quietly.

“I kind of had my suspicions,” Eskild said. “Gaydar, and all that, you know. Plus, the way you were sitting with that boy.”

Isak flushed hotter, if that was at all possible.

“Don't worry, if didn't already have my suspicions, I wouldn't have noticed,” Eskild said. “You're safe from everyone else. But... do you want to talk about it?”

“I don't... really know what we are right now,” Isak admitted quietly, eyes falling to his shoes again.

“That's okay,” Eskild said. “You don't have to have it all figured out.” When Isak looked up he was smiling gently, cupping his beer in both hands. “You know where to find me, though, if you ever need to.”

Isak nodded, a smile on his lips. “Thank you.”

“A support system is important when you're figuring it out,” Eskild said. “I'd love to be a part of it.”

  
**V**

“I think she already knows,” Isak said, sitting at the kitchen counter and staring at Lea in the living room.

“She already knows?” Jonas asked, eyebrows raised.

“I mean. I don't think she knows that, you know, boys shouldn't be with boys and girls shouldn't be with girls. I mean—not _shouldn't_ , just... you know. I think she thinks that everyone wants to kiss everyone all the time, and that they should, if they want to.”

“Then telling her for sure shouldn't be that big a deal.”

They'd been having a bit of an argument that was going nowhere. Isak had at first insisted that he should tell Lea his sexuality, now that he'd told Jonas. Jonas had agreed. When it came to the moment of actually doing it, he was hesitant. Hesitant, or fucking terrified.

“She's not gonna think any differently of you if she already thinks you're gay, man.”

Isak didn't mean to wince at the word. It was just so new to him. He'd spent so long telling himself that “gay” was synonymous with “bad”, it'd take a while to reverse that mindset. Jonas just smiled at him sympathetically. He'd been using the word more and more, because if Isak couldn't let it pass through his own lips, Jonas would normalize the sound of it.

“I know,” Isak said. “I know you're right, like, when I think logically. But it's just... really hard for me to think logically when it comes to this. It's terrifying. And I know that it's irrational, I know that you and Lea would never hate me for that, but I'm not rational when it comes to this.”

“It's scary,” Jonas said. “I understand, Isak. It doesn't have to be rational, okay, you're allowed to be scared of people leaving.”

“It's stupid.”

“It's not stupid. You've told yourself your whole life that being gay was wrong. It's not gonna change just like that. You've just gotta be brave. What's that saying, ten seconds of courage?”

“Is that a saying?”

“I think so.”

“It's not a very good one.”

“Dick.”

Isak laughed. “Okay. Okay, I can do this, right, it's just, like a few words. Lea's not gonna give a fuck.”

“No, she's not,” Jonas agreed.

“So it's no big deal.”

“Okay.”

“No big deal.”

“Isak.”

His leg was bouncing and his fingers were twisting together and he was still looking into the living room where Lea was watching TV and playing with toy cars on the couch. “It's fine,” he said, then stood up with a small burst of courage and sat next to Lea on the couch. She looked up in alarm at his fast approach.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she answered. “Why are you acting like a freak.”

“Mean.”

“Well you didn't sit down like any normal person I know,” she said.

“Wow, who taught you how to be so mean,” he asked, leaning back against the couch and letting her drive one of the cars up and down his leg.

“You did.” He tried to shift on the couch but she whined, “Stay still, you're gonna make them crash.”

He glanced down at the little red Mercedes tracking over the mountain of his khaki-covered knee. “Who's in the car?”

“President Obama,” she said, running the wheels over the ridges of his fingers, resting on his thigh.

“The American president is in your car?” he asked. He was met with a nod and no further explanation. “Why?”

“He's not the president anymore, _Isak_ ,” she said, sounding entirely done with his ignorant shit.

“Fine, ex-president, or whatever, what's he doing in a Hot Wheels in Norway?”

“Maybe he wanted to get away from America and all its crap.”

Isak smiled. “Don't say crap. I want to tell you something.”

“Okay,” she said, sitting back, leaving the car on his thigh. He put his fingers on top of it and rolled it around a little bit. She huffed when he didn't say anything. “I don't have all _day_ , Isak.”

“I hope you're not this rude to everyone,” he said with a smile.

“Just tell me.” She seemed infinitely annoyed with his presence, and it actually made the whole thing easier.

“Would you be upset if I dated a boy?” he asked.

She barely glanced up at him. “What? No. Date whoever you want. I don't care. He's probably a loser if he likes you.”

“Damn,” he said with a laugh. “I remember when you used to be nice to me.”

“I'm always nice to you,” she said with a fond little eye roll. Sometimes he was shocked with how much she'd been influenced by all his little mannerisms, but of course it made sense. She'd clung to him since she was a baby and he was still a child. They adopted the same characteristics, inevitably. “Besides,” she continued, “I already know that you like Even. This isn't a big surprise to me.”

He felt himself blushing. Blushing because of something his eight-year-old sister had said. Blushing because of something that was apparently totally obvious. _Stop it._ _Stop blushing._ “I do not like Even.”

She snorted. “Sure you don't.”

“I don't!” he insisted. Lamely. Inaccurately. Stupidly, because she clearly already knew the truth. Oh, fuck, was that the truth? That he liked Even, that it was obvious? He was so _fucked._

“Don't worry, Issy, he likes you, too.”

He was a little bit too eager when he said, “Why do you think that?” His feigned nonchalance was so see-through it was laughable, if Jonas's chuckle from the kitchen was anything to go by.

“Cause he asked me if you talk about him. When he came over with Books.”

Isak smiled despite himself. “He did?”

She rolled her eyes. “You're so annoying, Isak, just kiss him or whatever and get off my back.”

“You watch too much TV. Eight-year-olds shouldn't talk like you do.”

Jonas sat down on Lea's other side and pulled her onto his knee so that there was room for all of them and all of Lea's toys on the couch cushions. “So it went well, I gather?” Jonas asked Isak.

“Isak loves Even,” Lea answered, before Isak could say anything.

“Isak does not love Even!” Isak insisted, cheeks turning red.

“Even loves Isak, too,” Jonas told Lea, and she said, “I know.”

“No. Stop it,” Isak said.

“You wanna kiss him,” Jonas said.

“Issy wants to kiss him,” Lea echoed, then pursed her lips and smacked them.

“Wait, he already has kissed him,” Jonas said.

“He has?” She turned to Isak. “You have?”

“Not recently,” Isak said weakly.

“So you've got a boyfriend?” Lea asked.

“No.”

“But you _want_ to have a boyfriend.”

“Stop.”

Lea just winked at him. She was better at it than Even was.

Jonas deposited her on the couch as he stood up. When he passed Isak, he said, “Proud of you, bro. Now all that's left is to fucking go for it.”

That thought was just as terrifying as the thought of telling. Maybe more. Coming out was revealing a part of himself, letting himself love meant revealing everything.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow almost 1050 kudos ya'll this is insane thank you so much!  
> i can't tell you how much i love your comments, and i know i say it all the time and in my replies and stuff, but i love your comments :)  
> those of you who talk to me on tumblr or reblog the links and talk in the tags, i love you <3  
> anyways, here's chapter 13, trigger warnings in the end notes and not edited :D

**I**

The flirting was shameless.

It'd been a month and a half since their reconciliation, and they were quickly losing any chill at exponential rates. Isak didn't know how people didn't see this. He didn't think he'd been this good at the straight act, and now it was just fucking _frustrating_ because half of him wanted people to just... find out. So that he wouldn't have to tell. The other half of him, the self-preserving half, was terrified of this idea, and rightly so. It wasn't anybody else's story to tell.

Even had just.

Merged into every other part of his life, and Isak couldn't find it in himself to hate it. To dislike it, even, or feel at all inconvenienced by it. In fact, he couldn't do anything but love it.

Even was with his group of friends all the time now, and it worked. Because the boys had been friends with Even when Isak was still trying to hate him, so there wasn't that assumption that Even was just hanging around to get in Isak's pants. Well, besides Jonas, who winked at them every time they got too close. Which happened a lot. The first time Even took Isak's hand under the cafeteria table, Isak wasn't even surprised. It took him a moment to remember, _wait, we don't do this, do we?_ But he still hadn't let go, he'd just looked up at him with a smile and squeezed his fingers.

There was no more pretending between them. But there was also no one ready to take whatever logical next step should have been taken.

So instead of going on a date or asking to be boyfriends or whatever most people would do, they just touched a lot more and stood too close together. They spent a lot of time together, they were constantly in each others' bedrooms. Having Even's hands on him again was the most satisfying thing ever.

Even though he still felt like they weren't _really_ ready. But did anyone ever feel completely ready for something like this? But still. He didn't want to take any concrete steps until he was out. He didn't ever want to keep Even a secret.

“Tell me about your parallel universes,” Even said, laying back on his bed with Isak sitting against the wall and running his fingers through Even's hair.

“What about them?” he asked, shifting the strands of hair between his fingers. It was so soft, and this felt so natural.

Even held the joint to Isak's lips and he accepted it easily, taking a long pull before Even took it back.

“Tell me what the Isak and Even are doing in the other universe,” Even said, looking up at him with big eyes. Vulnerable. Why did he look so vulnerable, so scared?

“There's infinite universes, baby,” Isak said, smiling down at him.

“The one where we got it right the first time,” Even said, and Isak moved closer so that Even could put his head in his lap. They were moving so fast, but Isak couldn't find it in himself to care when this felt more right than anything else.

“Maybe we'd be doing other things in this bed,” Isak said with a smile, looking down at him. Even smiled back. “Maybe... maybe you'd have met my mamma, and she would love you. And I would spend nights over here, and we'd be proper boyfriends. And I'd have the courage to kiss you at parties, and at school.”

“That sounds nice,” Even said.

“It's not too late for it to happen in this universe,” Isak said. “I don't think we've missed our chance yet.”

“No?” Even said. He had so much hope written across his face. Isak would give him anything.

“No. I just need a bit more time to work everything out. And then maybe we'll be able to try again.”

Even smiled. He took one of Isak's hands and held it on his chest as the other kept moving through his hair. “I'd like that.”

“Me too.”

“I think we could be good for each other.”

Isak smiled at him. “I think so, too.”

  
**II**

“I trust you,” Isak said, “more than I trust most people.”

They were sitting on a bench overlooking the city after school, holding coffees in their laps.

“I trust you, too,” Even said, offering him a small smile.

“I didn't think I'd ever be able to,” Isak admitted. “Not after last time. I mean, you know, after everything that happened. Not just with you, but with everything. It's hard for me to trust people, in the first place. Because my dad's always leaving and my mom makes a lot of promises she doesn't keep. And stuff.” He was tearing at the to-go cup's cardboard sleeve with his fingers and staring down at his work instead of looking at Even. “So I'm really happy that I trust you, Even, but I'm just... I'm really scared. That I shouldn't trust you.”

“I know,” Even said softly. “It's hard. But I promise. I won't hurt you again. Not if I can help it.”

“I want to be with you,” Isak said.

“I want to be with you, too.”

“But there are still some things I need to figure out, before I can,” Isak said, finally looking up at him again.

Even was smiling. “And I have something else I need to tell you before I can.” Even took his hand. “It's okay, baby. We don't have to rush this.”

“I hate waiting,” Isak said.

“I know.” Even moved to put his arm around Isak and Isak leaned into his side. “Tell me what you're thinking. What's on your mind? What do you need to figure out, maybe I can help.”

Isak settled close against him, a smile on his lips. Because he had someone who cared. Of course Jonas cared, and Sana. Magnus and Mahdi would care if he ever dared to tell them anything about his life. But it was different with Even. It was important that he cared. Because after last time, after the heartbreak and the lies and the miscommunication, the fact that they cared was the most important thing. The conversations they had now were more real than any of the conversations they used to have. More real than most of the conversations Isak had with anyone.

“There's still some stuff with my mom,” he said, comfortable against Even's side. The places they were touching through all their layers felt hot. “She's been suffering some delusions, recently, because it happens every so often. There'll be a few weeks or months at a time when she breaks from reality more often? I'm not sure what triggers it, or if anything does. She just goes through different periods, of being depressed and then fine and then... like this.”

“Is she bipolar?” Even asked, tightening his arm around Isak's shoulders.

Isak had done his research on bipolar when he and Even decided to try to be friends, so he knew what to expect. “No. She's always had the depression. It's kind of a comorbidity sort of thing? Her depression got really bad after I was born, and the delusions came after Lea was born. I don't know. They happen together, but they're not parts of the same disorder.”

“Okay,” Even said. “Are you worried about her?”

“Yeah, of course. I took her to counseling but she won't go back, and she's run out of the house twice in the middle of the night. And it doesn't bother me, it just... I'm scared. And I know that even with counseling and medication, she might still sometimes run out in the middle of the night. But at least I'd know that I did everything I could to stop it, and I'm sure it'd happen less often.”

Even rested his head against Isak's. Their hoods were up over beanies and even if someone happened to walk by in the cold surrounding them in the deserted park, they'd be unrecognizable. Isak hated himself for having to be anonymous to touch Even in public, but it was a step up from who he used to be. Being at all intimate or affectionate with a guy, in public or otherwise, was always strictly forbidden in his own mind. The fact that he could do this, even if he was hiding his identity, was huge to him.

“You're a really good person,” Even said with a smile. “What else are you thinking about? You seem tense.”

“I'm only out to you and Jonas and Lea and Sana,” he said. “I just feel.... I need to tell my mom and the boys, before I can let everyone else know, okay? And I don't want to hide you until I'm ready to do that.”

“I don't mind being hidden by you,” Even said, and Isak laughed.

“I'm sure you don't. But I don't want to do that to you. I don't want us to start our... relationship like that.” He was blushing bright pink.

“Our relationship?” Even teased.

“Yeah, asshole, our relationship.”

Even smiled and leaned in close. “I'd love to be in a relationship with you. And I think it's sweet that you're starting it right.”

“I really want us to get it right this time,” Isak said. “Okay? That means, we can do... all this, that we're doing, but no kissing, and no sex.”

Even groaned. “You're killing me.”

“We're gonna do it right,” Isak said with a smile. “Like how normal people enter relationships. With the definition of the relationship and then the kissing and then the sex.”

“But we can still do this?” Even asked, gesturing to the two of them practically joined.

“I'm breaking the rules a little bit,” Isak said, smiling. “Because doing this feels good. And I like it.”

“Kissing me would also feel good, and I promise you would like it.”

“Even,” he sighed, rolling his eyes and looking at him fondly.

“Fine. Yes. Okay, cuddling only. I can handle that. Can I still call you baby?”

“You can,” Isak said with a nod. He could never stop smiling when he was around Even. It was almost like they'd never hurt each other at all. But it was better. Because they had hurt each other, and they had talked about it, and learned from it, and changed and evolved and developed. They had become better versions of themselves, and that was important.

“What about you?” Isak asked. “Can you... tell me what you need to tell me?”

“I'll tell you,” Even said, face falling and eyes dropping from Isak's. “I want to tell you, Isak, and I think it's important that I do, just because... I really want to be completely honest.”

“You don't have to tell me anything that doesn't have to do with me,” Isak said. “You're allowed to keep some things to yourself. I don't mind, I won't be... mad. I don't wanna be that person.” He took the hand that Even had over his shoulder and linked their fingers together. “As long as it's not gonna damage us moving forward, then it's not important.”

“I know,” Even said, squeezing his hand. “I know I don't have to, because you're amazing, and so sweet, and you know me better than anyone. But I want to, baby. I want to tell you everything.”

Isak didn't think he'd ever wanted to kiss him so badly. Not ever before, not even the first time they actually did. But as his eyes fell to Even's lips, Even said, “Let's do it right. I'm with you. I think we should do it right.”

“Okay,” Isak said. Why had he even said that. Stupid. He and Even were so close, and if he hadn't said that then maybe they'd be kissing right now. It'd been almost nine months since he'd felt those lips on him.

“This is gonna be the hardest thing we've ever done,” Even said, grinning at him.

“You're so right,” Isak said, biting his lip, which only seemed to pain Even.

“I'll tell you about me soon,” Even said softly. “I promise.”

“Take your time, baby,” Isak said. He smiled as he echoed Even. “We don't have to rush this.”

  
**III**

“Isak.”

He rolled over and tried to chase the sleep that was so quickly slipping away from him.

“Issy.”

“Lea?” he grumbled into the pillow.

“Someone's in the house.”

He sat up, rubbing at his eyes. “What?”

“Someone's in the house,” she repeated, and she looked so scared in what little light was in the bedroom.

“You know it's probably just Dad.” Isak let Lea climb into bed beside him and put the covers over her. “No one has a key but Dad. It's fine, baby girl, just go to sleep.” Maybe it'd be responsible to check, but he honestly didn't care if someone was robbing them at two am. He just wanted to sleep. And they were overdue for one of their father's visits.

Lea laid down next to him and he curled his arm around her as he settled back to sleep.

He got maybe ten more minutes before loud crashing made him dart up with a racing heartbeat. Lea was clinging to his arm, wide-eyed and silent. Regardless of whether or not the intruder was his father, he'd have to actually do something about it now.

“Stay here,” he told Lea, but she stood up and padded after him into the hallway, and he didn't stop her. She took his hand as he moved instinctually to his mom's room, and the light was on when he threw the door open.

His father had blood running down his arm and his mom cowered against the opposite wall with a pair of scissors in her fist.

Terje turned to Isak when he heard the door open.

“What the _fuck_ , Isak!” he yelled. Isak's eyes were trained on the blood dripping to the floor. He had the wound covered with his other hand. Lea started to cry behind him. “If you can't control her then I'm going to send her away!” he shouted.

“She was just scared,” Isak said quietly, still staring at the puddle slowly forming on the floor. She'd never done this before. “You just... you scared her.”

“I'm not some fucking stranger,” Terje said. “If she's going to be dangerous, then she can't live here.”

“Where else is there for her to go?” Isak asked.

“Fix it, Isak,” he said. “This isn't the place for your sister to grow up.”

Lea clung closer to his back and Isak put his arm around her. “You're not taking Lea again.”

“Then fix this.” His father pushed past them to get out of the bedroom door and Isak held Lea behind him.

“Where are you going?” Isak asked, turning to watch him.

“Back to the hotel.”

“What?” Isak said. “Why?”

“Clearly it's not a good time, Isak,” he snapped. “Get this under control or there'll be consequences. This is still my home.”

When he was gone Isak lifted Lea up and carried her carefully to where their mother was standing. “Mamma?” he asked from a safe distance. Her eyes landed on him, still wide open and scared. “It's Isak.”

“Isak,” she repeated. She was trembling all over and Isak's heart broke. She must have been terrified.

“And Lea,” Isak said, setting her down on the bed even when Lea whimpered and tried to climb back up him. “Can you put the scissors down?” he asked, stepping a little closer. They were the sharp little manicure scissors, and there was drying blood on the tip. It looked like they'd broken skin deeply.

“I didn't mean to hurt him,” she said, setting the scissors on the bedside table with shaking hands. She stared at her fingers like she was shocked by them and what they'd done. “I didn't know.”

“I know you didn't,” Isak said, forcing a smile. “It's okay.” He reached out to her carefully and she let herself be touched, let herself be guided to the mattress. “Let's get you back in bed.”

She sat down shakily and pulled the covers slowly over her lap. “I don't want him to take my baby away again,” she pleaded up at Isak with big eyes. Lea crawled into her lap and curled up as her mother's arms went around her, holding her to her chest and stroking her hair as Lea slowly stopped crying, watching Isak move around the room. “I don't want him to separate us again.”

Isak had mopped up the blood with one of the bathroom towels, and he knew he didn't have the homemaking knowledge to subsequently clean the blood out of the towel, so he put it in the trash can and turned off the overhead light so only the nightstand lamp was on.

He sat down next to them and took his mom's hand. “We need to get help,” he said. “I know you don't want to, Mamma, but... we have to. We have to do it. It's not as bad as you think it is, I promise. You loved it the first time.”

“I didn't recognize him,” she said.

“I know. But maybe the doctor can give you some medicine? She can make you feel better. You'll feel better.” When she didn't say anything, he said, “I don't know what else to do, Mamma. I _can't_ do anything else. It's up to you, now, because I really think he'll do it. He'll take Lea, or he'll send you away. And I don't want that to happen, so just... please, you have to help me out here. It's time for you to get help. I didn't want to force you before you were ready, but... Lea's gonna get taken, okay, we need this.”

There was a long pause before she said, “Okay,” running her fingers through Lea's hair as Lea drifted off to sleep.

Isak smiled gently. “Okay?”

She nodded.

“Okay, I'll make the appointment tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she answered.

Isak sat with her until she fell asleep, then extracted Lea from the bed, turned off the lamp, and tucked her into her own bed. Fifteen minutes later she was crawling under Isak's covers again, pulling his arm over her, and Isak let her stay.

  
**IV**

“What a stupid game,” Sana said, watching Elias and Isak play Fifa.

“Why's it stupid?” Even asked with a laugh, leaning back on the couch next to Isak, who was leaning forward and matching Elias's stance.

“Why don't you just fucking... go outside and play soccer, why do you have to play a video game about it?”

“It's like zero degrees out,” Isak said, eyes leaving the screen briefly to glance at her.

“You're such a baby,” Sana huffed.

“Well, shit, then you go outside and play soccer right now, you're gonna freeze your ass off.”

“She'll do it,” Elias said. “Just to prove a point. And I don't want her to die, so I'd just drop it, because you won't win.”

“I never do,” Isak said. He scored on Elias and Elias cursed, and then the game was over and Isak smiled, settling back in the couch cushions. “Not against Sana.”

“No one does,” Sana said with a smile. She was separated from Isak by Elias, so she reached across Elias's shoulders and tapped him. “Come help me carry drinks,” she said, nodding towards the kitchen.

“I'll help you,” Elias said, setting his Xbox controller down.

“No, it's okay,” Isak said, standing up as Sana did. He knew her look. Her look that said _do what I say because it's important and you'll get something out of it._

They went into the kitchen together, Isak looking over his shoulder at Even on the couch, who glanced back at him and winked before grabbing the abandoned controller and starting a new game with Elias.

“What's up?” he asked Sana.

“You should probably tell Even to tone down the staring,” she said, fishing some sodas from the fridge. “He's being... incredibly obvious.”

“Is he?” Isak asked, glancing into the living room where the older boys were completely involved in their new game. Even was winning, and Isak felt a totally irrational burst of pride at that fact. Ugh. He hated himself and his dumb whipped mind.

“He is. You're lucky you were playing Elias so he couldn't notice the staring.”

Isak felt himself blush a little bit. “I doubt he was staring so much.”

“He was. And he will again when you go back.” She put some sodas in his arms and pushed him back out towards the living room. “So just tell him to be careful.” They sat back down. This time Elias and Even were in the middle, playing the game side by side, and Isak sat on Even's other side and handed him the water bottle that Sana had handed him, putting everything else on the coffee table.

“Thank you,” Even said, as Elias paused the game, and—okay. Isak got what Sana was saying. Because the eye contact was... a lot. But Isak wouldn't have noticed if Sana hadn't pointed it out, because he loved it. He loved the attention, and this was just how Even looked at him. He didn't realize it was _this_ obvious.

He pulled out his phone as Elias turned the TV back to cable and started flipping through the channels.

Isak: _Sana said to stop staring so much._

He watched Even take his phone from his pocket and read the text with a smile.

Even: _Am I staring too much?_

Isak: _That's what she told me._

Even: _Do you want me to stop staring so much?_

Isak was smiling down at his phone, curled up in the corner of the couch so no one else would be able to see the screen if they passed him.

Isak: _I like it when you stare_

Even: _You're a great subject to stare at_

Isak: _Dork_

Even: _< 3_

Isak just smiled as he looked up at Even, who winked at him and turned back to the television.

  
**V**

“You want him bad,” Jonas said.

Isak didn't really talk about Even unless prompted by others first. Lea's head was in his lap and she was sleeping soundly with her legs crossed over Jonas's.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Isak said, running his fingers through Lea's hair, and Jonas leveled him with a look.

“You're so far gone, man.”

“I know I am,” Isak admitted quietly.

Jonas laughed. “You gave in so easily.”

“I'm done pretending, I guess,” Isak said. “We've kind of been talking. About, you know, a relationship that we could have in the future.”

“That's great, man. You're trying to date him?”

“Yeah. Not now. Not yet.”

“Why, what's wrong?”

“There's just some stuff I have to work out on my own, without him. Stuff that doesn't have anything to do with him. So that I can be at my best, and we can start it out right.”

“I'm sure he could help you with it,” Jonas said. “Whatever it is.”

“He will. Of course he will. But we're gonna do it as friends.” Isak looked down at Lea's perfect sleeping face. “I really want this to work. And I want to be out of the closet to everyone I care about before I start dating him. That makes sense, right?”

“Yeah, of course it does,” Jonas said. “But you two are... working things out? You trust him?”

“I do,” Isak said with a smile and a small nod. “I didn't think I ever would again, not like I used to trust him, but I think I trust him more now than I ever did before.”

“That's really great, Isak,” Jonas said. “And from what it's worth, he's really into you.”

Isak felt something in him flutter, and that lovesick fucking smile came back to his lips. His lips that hadn't felt Even's in what seemed like forever. “Really? He is?”

Jonas rolled his eyes but he looked entirely fond. “He really is.”

“He talks to you about me?”

“He can't shut the hell up about you.” When Isak blushed, Jonas said, “It's sweet.”

“What... what does he say?” He was so not used to talking about boys with his friends. This was the weirdest.

“He says you're hot,” Jonas said, and Isak was instantly blushing and looking away. He threaded his fingers through strands of Lea's hair. “And he says he loves talking with you, and he loves being with you. He's really gone for you. I promise you.”

“I know he is,” Isak said shyly. “I just wanted to hear someone else say it.”

Jonas laughed.

“I really want him,” Isak said softly, looking down at his hand on Lea's head. “I really _really_ want him.”

Jonas just smiled at him. “I know, man. And when the time comes, you're gonna be great together.”

  
**VI**

“Hey,” Isak said, smiling at Even as they met outside the school. “Ready to go?”

“Do you, uh....” He looked nervous, eyes flitting around before landing on Isak's face. He swallowed. “Do you want to get coffee?”

Isak studied him. He looked tense and... scared. “Sure. Is everything okay?” It was making him nervous. Was he going to be told that he wasn't wanted, anymore? That they couldn't be together.

“I just really want to talk to you,” Even said, and Isak's stomach sank.

“Okay,” he said weakly, twisting his hands together.

“No, it's not... it's not bad, I'm sorry.” He offered Isak a small smile, and as hesitant as it was, it made Isak feel better. He believed him. Because he trusted what he said, now.

“Okay,” Isak said. If they weren't in the center of the crowded schoolyard right after the last class of the day, Isak would take his hand. He looked like he could use it. And it wouldn't be some great hardship for Isak, either. “Okay, let's get coffee.”

Even smiled at him, shyly. “Okay.”

“Great. Let's go.”

They took the tram back to their neighborhood, standing close together in the crowd, and then entered the coffeeshop.

“Do you want to stay here?” Isak said as they waited for their drinks after ordering.

“Can we take a walk?” Even asked. His worried expression hadn't left his face. Isak knew that it didn't have anything to do with him, because Even told him so and Isak believed him. But it still hurt to see Even like this. Scared. He didn't want Even to be scared of telling him anything.

“Yeah, of course,” Isak said, offering him a smile. He touched Even's arm for only a second, but the gesture seemed to make Even feel better. And it made Isak feel better, too, because he'd just touched the boy he liked in public, where people could see his face, in a not totally platonic way. He liked that he could do this, now. He never thought he'd be able to.

“Thank you,” Even said quietly. Isak just smiled and picked up their cups when Even's name was called.

They went to the park where they used to meet all the time, when Isak was on walks with Lea and Even was walking his giant dog.

“Are you okay?” Isak asked as they started walking.

“Remember how I told you we shouldn't be together until you know everything?” Even asked, glancing at him as they walked.

“Yeah,” Isak said with a nod. “Is this... is this you telling me everything?”

Even nodded. “It's just. It's only one thing. And I'm really nervous. If you couldn't tell.”

Isak smiled. “It's okay. You can be nervous. It's really... endearing, actually. You're cute when you're nervous.”

“You're so much braver now than you used to be,” Even said, and Isak blushed. “It's hot. Really.”

“Well, when you've seen someone naked it's hard to be scared by them. Naked people are the most vulnerable. You stopped intimidating me after that.”

Even laughed. “You just intimidate me more,” he said.

They walked in comfortable silence for a while. Isak would give Even time. Even was giving him all the time in the world.

“So,” Even said. He took Isak's hand and led him to a bench in a deserted part of the park. Isak sat close to him, hated himself for pulling his hood over his head, but Even didn't seem to care. It allowed Isak to be able to hold his hand without fear.

“Remember that you don't have to tell me,” Isak said, squeezing his hand.

“I know. I want to.”

“Okay,” Isak said. “I'm listening. Whenever you want.”

“Do you know how I missed the last few months of school last year?” Even asked, turning to look at him. The earnestness in his voice was kind of heartbreaking. He seemed so... scared. Scared that Isak would look at him differently. Isak really hoped he wouldn't.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I know.”

“It was because of the bipolar,” he admitted quietly. “You might have guessed that.”

“I haven't even really thought about it,” Isak said, running his hand down Even's arm.

“It was when I was first diagnosed, actually,” Even said. “I mean... it was the episode that got me diagnosed.”

Isak looked at him, but Even was staring straight ahead. He didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. He just waited. Their whole relationship was built on patience, this time around.

“I was manic, I guess,” he said after a while. “I didn't know it at the time. I mean, of course. I wasn't diagnosed and... and when I'm manic I don't know that I'm anything less than stable, so. So I tried to kiss this guy I used to know, one of Elias's friends. And then I really thought like being with a boy was bad, and it was only because I was manic and wouldn't let them try to explain, or anything, I just... closed myself out at that first sign of rejection, even though nothing really happened. So I tried to, like, fix myself. Read the bible and the Qur’an. Tried to... make myself better, or something. They both have maybe one passage about the dangers of homosexuality, or something.”

“I'm sorry,” Isak said quietly.

Even squeezed his hand. “I, um. Crashed really hard into depression, after that. And I wasn't... cured, or better, or whatever. So.” He swallowed and closed his eyes and Isak ran his hand up and down Even's arm, still holding his hand. “So I tried to kill myself.”

Isak's motions stopped and he looked up at him with wide eyes. It felt like his heart had stilled in his chest.

“It wasn't successful,” Even said. “I mean... obviously. But. It was enough for the diagnosis, which, like, made everything a million times worse. I wouldn't let any of my friends talk to me, and eventually they stopped trying. Except Elias.”

“I'm sorry, baby,” Isak said, putting his head on Even's shoulder and his arm around his waist. “I'm so sorry.”

“Leaving you that night hurt me so bad, Isak,” Even said. “I struggled with my sexuality, too, baby, and I'm so sorry I made you feel like you weren't wanted. You were all I wanted.”

Isak hugged him tight around the neck, felt Even's arms snake around his waist and pull him tight.

“We're past it,” Isak said. “It doesn't matter anymore.”

“You're right,” Even said. “It doesn't matter anymore.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Isak said as he pulled back. “It means... a lot, that you told me.”

Even smiled. “I want to kiss you so bad.”

“I want to kiss you, too,” Isak whispered, so close to him, so close to his lips.

“Only a little bit longer,” Even said, and Isak smiled and pulled away and said, “Yeah, just a little bit longer.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of past attempted suicide (not graphic at all)
> 
> please talk to me i love you <3 my tumblr is @supermansplaining and if i knew how to link on this website then i would do that but i don't so i won't


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all everyone needs to stop making Sana cry, she doesn't deserve this and it's breaking my heart.  
> Secondly, thank you all for giving this over 1100 kudos, that's crazy! And thank you sooo much for the comments, i love them so so much. Everyone who sends me asks on tumblr, you're the best. Glad the last chapter was received so well, I got a few comments saying that it was their favorite so far (I think it's because we're veering away from angst and into fluff for the time being lol).  
> I hope you like this one, too <333

**I**

“Thank you for coming,” Isak said, arms around Even's neck as he greeted him at the front door. “I'm so sorry.”

Even hugged him back. “Hey, don't worry about it.”

“I'm so tired.”

“I know, I'm sorry,” Even said, rubbing his back. “I wish I could make it all go away. I know you're stressed out.”

“I just wanted to see you. And see if maybe you can entertain Lea while I spend some time upstairs with my mom? I'd call Jonas but he's busy with family stuff, I'm so sorry.”

“Don't apologize,” Even said, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb. Isak's eyes fluttered closed at the touch. “I'm happy to help.”

“You're so great,” Isak said. He took Even's hand and led him into the living room. “Lea, Even's here,” he said. “He's gonna play this stuff with you, okay, because I need to go up and help Mamma.”

Lea was on the floor with coloring books and crayons among a thousand different toys. She'd been hyper all afternoon, since she got home from school, and Isak was really tired. Really tired. And he looked it, and he knew that, but he couldn't really do anything about it.

He loved her so much, but since their dad had come back she was clingy and paranoid and thoroughly exhausting. His mom wasn't getting any better, and he'd had to cancel her therapy appointment for this week because she was suffering delusions again and her lucidity was rare.

“Hi, Even,” she said, looking up at him with a smile. “Did you bring Books?”

“No, sorry. Books is at home.” He sat down on the floor next to her. “What are you drawing?”

“A bird,” she said, bending her head in concentration. When Even looked up to smile at Isak, Isak mouthed, _Thank you,_ and went up the stairs.

“Mamma,” he said, knocking on the door. “Hey, it's Isak.” He opened the door and eased his way inside. She was laying in bed, turned towards the wall with her eyes fixed there. “Have you eaten anything I brought up?” As he made his way further into the room, he realized that she hadn't. The toast and tea were still on the bedside table.

He sat down on the bed. “Can you please try?”

She'd been breaking from reality more and more frequently, and he didn't ever know when she'd snap. And it was stressing him out. It made him reluctant to go to sleep. He was afraid of her hurting herself while he wasn't around.

He helped her sit up and he put one of the pieces of toast in her hand. She stared at it with clouded eyes, then looked up at Isak like she didn't know what to do with what he'd just given her.

“Try it,” Isak said, offering her a smile and nodding towards the toast. “Just eat one.”

She took a bite and the sound of it rang through the room. He could hear the faint sounds of Lea downstairs talking animatedly about something to Even, and he was so grateful.

“Is it okay?” Isak asked her. “I burned the first piece, but I think this one was alright.

She just nodded. She ate it until it was gone, and held out her hands, waiting for Isak to push something else between then. He gave her the tea and she drank it in small sips until it was gone, then handed it back and laid down without a word. He'd been trying to get her to do just that for forty-five minutes before Even came over, but Lea had kept calling him from downstairs or trailing after him into the bedroom and trying to wrap herself up in her mother's arms. Usually even while unwell, their mom was lucid enough to pull Lea close under the blankets, or call her _baby_ and stroke her hair. Depressed, she would let Lea crawl into bed with her and nap. When disconnected from reality, she wouldn't usually be unable to reach. This time she just looked at Lea like she didn't recognize her. She probably didn't, really, it was one of the things that happened.

“Are you good?” Isak asked her. She didn't say anything, but her breathing was evening out so he collected the plate and cup and went back downstairs, closing her bedroom door softly.

“Lea, it's time for bed,” Isak said, putting the dishes in the sink. “Say bye to Even.”

“I don't want to go to bed,” Lea said, and she would usually never fight him on this but he was finding that whenever something disconcerting happened to her—like, say, the sudden and bloody return of her absent father in the middle of the night—she stopped listening so well.

“I don't really care if you want to go to bed,” Isak said. “I want to go to bed, and I can't go to bed until you go to bed. Come on, baby girl, please help me out here.”

“I'm having fun with Even, though,” she pouted when he walked up to her. They were drawing together at the coffee table.

“Even can come over some other time and play, okay?”

She looked at Even. “Can you?”

“Of course,” Even said with a smile, and Isak was so thankful for him in that moment. In that moment, and every other, of course, but right then it was just a sudden burst of thanks.

“Okay,” she said, standing up. “Bye, Even.”

“Bye, Lea, it was nice to see you.”

“I'm gonna go upstairs with her, I'll be down in a second,” Isak said when she started up the stairs. “You can go if you need to.”

“I don't have anywhere to be,” Even said with a calm smile.

Isak made sure Lea brushed her teeth and got her changed into pajamas and into bed in record time. “Goodnight, baby girl,” he said. “I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

“Sleep well.”

He turned off her light and left the door cracked open, and headed downstairs to Even, now sitting on the couch and scrolling through his phone. He shut it off when he saw Isak approaching and he smiled.

“Hey,” Even said, and Isak managed to say it back as he sat down next to him, Even's arm falling around his shoulders. “Everything okay?” Even asked.

Isak had his head on Even's shoulders. “Just... thank you for coming.”

“No problem.”

“I really appreciate it.”

“Hey,” Even said, tilting Isak's chin up with his fingers. “It's not a problem. Don't worry about it.”

“Do you want to stay for a while?” Isak asked, looking up at him. “I didn't only invite you over just to babysit.”

“Of course I'll stay,” Even said with a smile. He put the arm that wasn't around Isak's shoulders around his waist, pulling him in tighter against his side. Isak went willingly. “We can watch a movie.”

“That sounds nice,” Isak said. He picked up the remote and turned the TV on, flipping channels until he came across something black and white in English that seemed to be about halfway over. Isak didn't care and it didn't seem like Even did, either, the way he just held him tighter and rested his cheek against the top of Isak's head. After a while Isak got up to make hot chocolate and turn the lights off, then went right back to curling up next to Even, feet tucked onto the couch beneath him, blanket over their laps.

“Is this a date?” Even murmured into his hair.

Isak smiled a little, eyes on the TV. “It'd be a pretty shitty date, since it started with me leaving you with my little sister while I tried to force feed my mom.”

“I think it's the best date I've ever been on,” Even said.

“You're a sap.”

“You knew that already, you shouldn't be surprised.”

Even stayed until eleven despite Isak saying that he shouldn't ride his bike home in the dark.

“It's like five minutes,” Even said, hugging him on the front porch.

“What if you die?”

“It's a good neighborhood.”

“It's an alright neighborhood,” Isak corrected, and Even smiled at him.

“I'll be fine. I promise.”

“Okay,” Isak said. “Text me when you get home. Text me a safe word so I know it's you and your kidnapper.”

“What's the safe word?” Even asked in amusement, his hands still on Isak's hips. Isak's were on his chest and he tapped his fingers as he thought.

“Cardamom,” Isak said with a smile. “The only thing you need on a cheese toast.”

Even smiled at him. “I like you. I'll text you, okay?”

“Okay.”

It was only a few minutes before he got it. _Cardamom, baby. I'll miss you. See you tomorrow <3_

  
**II**

“Isak,” Jonas said, nudging him with his elbow at the lunch table. Isak sat up straighter at that and opened his eyes.

“What?” he asked.

“You were practically asleep, man, what's up?”

It was just the two of them at the table, they were waiting for Mahdi and Magnus and most likely Even, who now only ate with his third-year friends once a week, at most.

“Nothing,” Isak said with a shrug. He picked up his pizza and took a bite. Cold. Cold and disappointing.

“You sure?” Jonas asked, but it wasn't really a question, it was sort of a prompting for him to actually tell the truth this time.

“It's just shit at home,” Isak sighed. “When is it not? Lea's being difficult, she's not sleeping very well so she's not listening. And my mom is somewhere between depression and... psychosis, or something, it's hard to know what to call it when she won't go to the psychologist and get a proper diagnoses.”

“What psychologist?” Jonas asked.

“That lady she went to once,” Isak said. “I don't know, maybe she's a psychiatrist. I don't remember the difference, I think one can prescribe pills and one just, like, listens.”

“Well which one is the doctor that your mom went to?” Jonas asked.

“The one that can prescribe. I think. I hope, because she has an appointment next week that I really don't want to cancel, and they're supposed to discuss medications in that one.”

“Why didn't they discuss medications in the first appointment?”

Isak shrugged. “I guess she just wanted to get to know my mom as a person, or something. Maybe get a grasp on the illness before she starts shoving pills down her throat.”

“I'm sure medication will be good for her,” Jonas said. “At least for a little while.”

“Yeah, I know, of course it will be,” Isak said. “I just want her to be... aware of things. I don't want her to be drugged without knowing why she's being drugged, or without being able to make the decision for herself.”

“Maybe the psychologist-slash-psychiatrist will be able to try to explain it to her better than you can. She has experience in this kind of thing, maybe she can get through your mom.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Isak said to the tabletop, picking the toppings off of his pizza and setting them to the side of his paper plate for no reason other than watching his hands to do something.

“You need to take care of yourself, still, Isak,” Jonas said. “You can't worry about everyone else all the time. You need to sleep, man.”

“I'm trying,” Isak said. “It's not like I'm doing it on purpose.”

“I know, Isak.”

“If I knew how to shut my stupid brain off, I'd do it. I just can't.”

“You can talk to me about your problems,” Jonas said, putting his hand on Isak's back. “You can talk to Even.”

“I just want to have the courage to be with him in public,” Isak said quietly. “Even. I think that'd fix things. Not everything, but it'd make things... easier, at least.”

“Maybe start with just a couple more people,” Jonas said. “Maybe Mahdi and Mags.”

“Really?” Isak asked. “You think that's a good idea?”

“They aren't at all hateful, man, it'll be find. And it's nice to see you like this. The more people that you come out to, the more confident you are. It's really awesome to see. You seem so comfortable, now. Telling the boys will be a great next step. When you're ready. You might find it easier to be with Even in public if all your closest friends already know.”

“Yeah?” Isak said.

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Isak said. “You're right. And I wanted to tell them anyways before me and Even became official. So that... that works. I'll do it. Will you... will you help me?”

“Sure, Isak, of course. Now perk up, your boy toy's coming.”

Isak blushed and turned around, smiling at Even as he approached.

As Even sat down next to him he exhaled a small, “Hey, baby,” that made Isak blush harder and Jonas smirk.

“Hi,” Isak said, smiling back at him.

“How are you?”

“I've been better,” Isak said. “But I'm okay. It's nothing new, nothing you don't know about.”

Even took his hand under the table and smiled at him. “Let me know if there's anything I can do.”

“I will,” Isak said. He grinned up at Even.

They were gonna be fine.

  
**III**

Sitting in front of Mahdi and Magnus was terrifying, and those two were probably the least terrifying people he'd ever met.

He'd considered asking Even to come with him and Jonas, but he didn't want to do it like that. He didn't want to make this about Even, or him and Even. He needed to do this for himself. Not because he was trying to date a boy, not because he was falling for Even. But because he was finally feeling comfortable and confident, and he was finally feeling ready. And most of all he was tired of hiding. He didn't want to have to anymore, because he'd seen from others that he didn't _have_ to. Sana and Jonas and Lea and Eskild had accepted him. Even was waiting for him. He had an amazing system of support, and he knew that he wouldn't have to do this all on his own anymore.

So he sat with Jonas across from Mahdi and Magnus in an empty classroom, without Even next to him. Isak thought it might be so much easier if Even was just there holding his hand—they could infer and he wouldn't have to say anything.

But no. He had an encouraging text from Even on his phone with about a hundred red hearts, and he had Jonas as a constant presence at his side, and he could do this. He wanted to do this.

“Guys?” he asked, and the two of them stopped arguing about rappers for a moment and looked at him.

“What's up, man?” Mahdi asked.

“Everything cool?” Magnus added.

“Um. I want to... tell you something,” he said. He glanced at Jonas, who offered him a small smile and a nod of encouragement.

“Okay,” Mahdi said, as Magnus said, “Go ahead.”

“Do you....” He sighed. He hadn't really thought this through, hadn't thought about how to say it. “Um, it's about.... You know Even?”

Why did he keep starting it this way.

“Even?” Magnus asked, looking at him in confusion. “Like, Bech Næsheim? The guy who eats lunch with us every day?”

“Yeah, him,” Isak said, and then paused like he was waiting for a response. Why was he being so fucking weird about this. He'd come out to a lot of people in a short amount of time, and he wasn't really getting better at it, and it frustrated him.

“Yeah, we know him,” Mahdi said uncertainly, looking between Isak and Jonas.

“We, uh.” He glanced at Jonas again, then summoned all his courage and said, “We're having a thing. Um, together.”

There was a long pause.

“A thing with Even?” Mahdi asked.

Isak gave him a nod, clasping his hands together tight in his lap.

“Are you gay?” Magnus asked, and Isak actually found the courage to nod after half a second.

“But it doesn't mean, like, that I wanna jump every boy in the world,” Isak said. “I don't... I don't want to date _you_ , or anything. I just. I like Even.”

“That's great, man,” Mahdi said, but Magnus still seemed confused, so the small bit of relief he gained from Mahdi was overshadowed by the fear of watching Magnus think over his words.

“What the fuck, man, you've slept with, like, a million girls. You're gay?”

“Maybe he's pansexual,” Mahdi said.

“I'm not pansexual,” Isak said.

“What's pansexual?” Magnus asked, turning away from Isak to look at Mahdi.

“It's when you like both,” Mahdi said.

“That's bisexual,” Magnus said.

“Pansexual is when you like anyone regardless of gender,” Jonas said.

“Then maybe he's bisexual,” Mahdi amended.

“I'm not bisexual,” Isak interjected.

“It doesn't really matter,” Jonas said, then looked pointedly at the boys. “Does it?”

“No,” Mahdi said, smiling at Isak. “It's actually awesome. And it actually makes sense now why Even looks at you like he wants to eat you alive.”

Isak blushed bright red but he still smiled.

“Happy for you, bro,” Magnus said. “Even's hot.”

“Are you gonna come to the party at Emma's?” Mahdi asked.

“Maybe,” Isak said. “If you guys stop trying to get me to hook up with Emma.”

“Yeah, I guess that was kind of a lost cause, huh?” Mahdi asked with a smile. “And, FYI, Even is hot. Congrats, bro, give us the details.”

“What details?” Isak asked with a blush.

“Are you dating?” Magnus asked.

“Not yet.”

“Are you going to?” Mahdi asked.

“Hopefully.”

“When?” Jonas asked. Traitor.

“Soon, I hope,” Isak said with a smile.

“Awesome, man,” Magnus said, grinning at him and holding out his hand for Isak to slap.

All that was left was to tell his mom. And she was in such a bad place right now that he feared that even if she would usually be able to accept it, she might not, now.

But he'd gotten through all these other experiences. Forgiving Even, letting himself trust him again, coming clean about his family to Sana and his sexuality to Jonas, telling Eskild and Mahdi and Magnus and Lea, touching Even in that innocent way they never did before. He was stronger, now. And it his confidence was newfound and amazing. And he felt like he'd be okay. He felt like he could be accepted, even when he didn't expect to be.

  
**IV**

“Have I been a pain in the ass?” Lea asked as they walked through the park.

Isak almost choked on his coffee. “What?”

“I heard Jonas say it.”

“Don't ever say that again, no, you're not a pain in the ass.” He twisted her braid around his fingers. “You're the best thing ever. Jonas was joking.”

“But I was, wasn't I?” she asked.

“No, you weren't,” he said. “I promise, baby girl, I don't lie to you.”

“I'm sorry I've been grumpy,” she said.

“It's okay,” he answered with a smile. “I can handle it.”

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay,” he repeated with a nod.

“So have you and Even kissed again yet?” she asked suddenly, holding her hot chocolate in both hands.

“That's none of your business,” Isak said.

“It's not?”

“No.”

“Okay. I still want to know, though.”

“You're nosy.”

“Maybe.”

He smiled. “No. I haven't kissed him yet.”

“When did you kiss him the first time?”

“Last year, when we met the first time. But we haven't kissed since then.”

“Why not?” she asked, looking up at him.

“Because we're waiting for the right time,” Isak said.

“But you touch all the time and you... like, hold hands and stuff. So why won't you just kiss?”

“Because I want to make sure everything's good.”

She furrowed her brows, she obviously didn't understand. “You're a nerd.”

He laughed. “I am?”

“If you want to kiss him you just should,” she said. “You shouldn't keep waiting.”

“No?” Isak asked. “Thanks for your advice, I'll mull it over.”

“What's that mean?”

“Means I'll think about it.”

“I like Even,” she said. “Is he your boyfriend yet?”

He honestly didn't know how to answer that. “No, I don't think so. Not yet. But we're gonna be.”

“You two are so weird,” she said. “You can't know you're about to have a boyfriend. You either have a boyfriend or you don't.”

“Why are you so mean to me?” he asked with a laugh. “Look. Me and Even like each other a lot. But we're not technically dating yet. Okay? We're not official. But we're gonna be official, as soon as we're ready for it.”

“When will that be?”

“Hopefully not too much longer.”

“Then will he come over more?”

“He's already over a lot.”

“Don't be so selfish, Isak, he only comes over after I go to bed so that you can cuddle and watch TV.”

“That's true. I can invite him over more, okay, but next week because you're spending tomorrow night with Cathrine, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you two gonna do?” he asked.

“Watch movies and play dress-up maybe, and make brownies.”

“Sounds fun,” Isak said.

“Isak?” she asked after a few moments of walking in silence. She had a little hat with a puffball on top of it, and two braids down her back.

“Yes?”

“Have you kissed a girl before?” she asked.

He felt himself tense up a little bit. “Yes. I have. Why?”

“Did you... like it? Or do you only like kissing boys?”

“I think I only like kissing boys,” Isak said, looking down at her with a smile. “Is that okay?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I don't care. But are there people who like kissing boys _and_ girls?” She sounded curious, and it was actually... nice. To talk about this candidly. To answer questions that he wished he'd known he was younger.

“Yeah. A lot of people. Even likes boys and girls both.”

“Will he miss girls while he's dating you?” Lea asked.

“No, I don't think so. That's not really how it works. It's more about the person, not the person's... gender. Does that make sense?”

She nodded. He felt good talking about this. He felt like he was coming into his own, like he was qualified to tell her this. And he was comfortable with it, which was the best thing of all. A year ago he would never even entertain the thought of openly talking about different sexualities. Not even two months ago.

This was good.

“So Even's your person,” she said, and it made him smile. “And you're his person.”

Isak nodded, a stupid grin on his face. “Yes. That's right.”

  
**V**

Isak was _drunk_. Very drunk. Drunker than he had possibly ever been, because Lea was spending not only Friday, but all weekend with Ann, and his responsibilities were limited to his mom, who had been asleep when he left. He'd just get home before morning and it'd be fine. Hopefully. Fuck, he was drunk.

And there was Even, walking through the door with his jacket slung over one shoulder. He smiled at Isak and Isak melted as he watched Even approach him. He was so pretty. And he looked at Isak like Isak was his whole world.

When he got close enough to where all the boys were lounging in the corner of the room, no doubt babysitting Isak, because normally they'd all be in their separate elements by now, Isak smiled and grabbed for him.

“Even,” he slurred, hanging off of his arm so that he didn't fall over and smiling up at him. “Hi, baby.”

“Hey,” Even said with a smile. “You're wasted, aren't you?”

There were some grunts of assent from his friends, but Isak acted like he didn't know what they were talking about. He tugged Even closer, tried to tuck his face into Even's neck, but Even pulled back from him.

Isak frowned. “What's wrong?” he asked, lifting his hand to cup Even's cheek with his palm. Even never pulled away from his touch, Even always preened at Isak's affections, he didn't try to avoid them.

“Nothing's wrong,” Even said, removing Isak's hand from his cheek and holding it more discretely between them, leaning Isak against the wall to help him stand. “Sober you just wouldn't do this, baby, do you remember where we are?”

“Mm,” he said, glancing around. Then, “A party.”

“Yeah,” Even said. “Where a lot of people you know are. I know you don't want them to see this.”

“See what?” Isak asked, pulling Even closer by the side of his jacket. “Kiss me.”

“Bro,” Mahdi said, snapping in front of his face. “Get it together.”

“Hard to believe you ever had game with girls,” Magnus said, rolling his eyes. “You couldn't be more obvious with him.”

Isak shook his head, eyes locked on Even's. “I don't care. Kiss me, Even, you haven't kissed me in forever.” He pulled Even closer with a surprising amount of force given how intoxicated he was. “I changed my mind, I don't want to wait anymore.”

“You are so fucking cute,” Even said with a smile. “If you were sober and saying this I'd be kissing the hell out of you, but you're not, so I can't.”

“Baby,” Isak whined. Even wasn't touching him and Even wasn't being sweet to him like he usually was. He wanted Even show him that he loved him.

What the fuck.

Loved.

He was too _fucking_ drunk to process these goddamn emotions. He settled for hanging onto Even more tightly and ignoring the alarming thoughts.

“Let's go outside,” Even said, taking both of his hands to remove them from his clothing. “You're being... a bit too out there, for this setting. Wanna go outside?”

Isak agreed and let himself be led to the back porch, Even's hand in his, still. There was no one out there, and it was dark and quiet and peaceful, and it was cold and fresh, and Even would finally hug him tight as they leaned against the railings.

“You're so beautiful, baby,” Even murmured into his hair. “So beautiful.”

“Was I embarrassing you?” he asked, arms curled up between their bodies, Even's arms around him keeping him warm when he was wearing only a hoodie.

“No, you could never embarrass me,” Even said. Isak could feel his lips curl up in a smile against his temple.

“Then why wouldn't you touch me?” Isak asked. “You still like me, right?”

“I like you more than I've ever liked anyone,” Even said.

“I like you, too.”

“And you're so sweet,” Even told him, rocking him a little bit. “So sweet. I can't wait to touch you in front of everyone, baby, but you're not ready for it, you told me you weren't, so we're not going to yet.”

“I changed my mind,” he murmured, and Even laughed.

“I think you're just drunk, gorgeous.”

“I am drunk,” he said.

“When you're sober we can talk about it. But I don't want you to do anything you'll regret.”

Isak kissed his cheek and then settled into the crook of his neck. “You're my favorite.”

“You're mine.”

“I'm glad we don't hate each other anymore.”

“I hate that we wasted so much time.” He stroked Isak's hair and rubbed his back, hugging him tight and safe and warm against his chest, totally removed from the outside world.

Isak smiled into his skin and wished he could stay there forever. But there was a sound from behind him and he turned around, resting back against Even, and he saw Emma in the darkness, her eyes wide.

And he knew he was completely fucked.

  
**VI**

The entire school was speculating on his sexuality. He heard people talking about it as soon as he got there on Monday, saw everyone glancing at him and everyone staring.

He was tucked into three layers, a beanie on and his hood pulled up.

Emma had left without saying a word to them on the porch. But as soon as they went inside, back to the party, he heard people fall quiet at the entrance and then start talking amongst themselves. He didn't think he'd ever sobered up so fast; seeing Emma watching him with his almost-boyfriend was the most terrifying experience. But listening to everyone tell each other, _Emma said Isak was kissing Even outside, I guess he's gay, now,_ was even more terrifying.

He'd left, stumbling to find his jacket, still drunk and still high.

Even and the boys had come after him, and he was trying desperately to keep calm, to not hyperventilate or start crying. He'd been pulled into a hug by Jonas, and patted on the back by Magnus and Mahdi and told, _Don't worry about it, Isak, we've got your back._ When released by Jonas, he saw Even standing to the side, unsure of what to do with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“I'm so sorry,” he'd said. The guilt on his face was so crushing.

Isak hugged him and felt warm when Even hugged him back. It'd be okay.

But it didn't make it _easy_ , when he walked into school.

The boys were waiting for him in the courtyard and he sighed in relief as he approached them. At least there was a buffer now. A distraction.

“Hey, boys,” he said quietly, smiling. It was half forced, but the appreciation behind it was genuine.

“Hey, man,” Mahdi said, slapping his hand. “Still okay?”

He nodded. “Still okay.”

“Where's Even?” Magnus asked.

“He's afraid to be seen with me,” Isak said. He smiled. “He thinks he's gonna make it worse for me.” He could see Even across the schoolyard, making eye contact and looking so sad and apologetic. Isak just smiled at him with all the fondness in him.

“Will he?” Jonas said.

“No,” Isak said. “But he really thinks it's, like, all his fault. He keeps saying sorry. When he came over on Saturday he wouldn't stop hugging me. He really feels bad.”

“It was you who was all over him, though,” Magnus said.

“I know. I keep telling him that. He's really guilty, though. I think he's just... mad that I didn't get to come out on my own, you know? He's really pissed that Emma told everyone.”

“He should be pissed,” Jonas said. “That was such a shitty thing to do. She had no right to do that.”

“Don't say anything to her,” Isak said. “There are still people who don't know, or don't believe her. If you get all... protective and confrontational, I think they'll all know it's true.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Jonas said. “I'm just... really mad.”

“You should've been able to do that when you were ready,” Mahdi said. “It wasn't her thing to tell.”

“It's okay,” Isak said. “It's done. I'll still get to tell people whether it's true or not.”

In class with Sana, he got a text from Vilde. _Not to be rude, but is true that you're gay? I heard from that first year Emma. It's very cool if you are!_

Sana saw it before Isak did, and immediately grabbed her phone from her jacket.

_You do NOT ask people that Vilde. Don't believe stupid fucking first years either. Mind your own business. Isak isn't a piece of gossip, he's a person._

He got encouraging texts throughout the day.

Jonas: _You okay?_

Mahdi: _Want me to meet you before Spanish?_

Magnus: _I can walk to lunch with you_

Sana: _Sorry about Vilde, she has no filter. I'm here if you need anything_

Even: _Are you doing okay?_

He convinced Even to sit with them at lunch, finally, and even though he sat much farther away than he ever had, his presence was comforting.

And he got through the day alright. No one approached him, people just looked at him and talked about him, but no one but Vilde had the balls to ask him directly. So in that regard, he had to give her props, because she was the only one brave enough to actually ask instead of just blindly speculate.

Mostly it just made him think that... maybe he could do it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know your thoughts or ask me anything here or at supermansplaining on tumblr (still don't know how to link, also don't know how to figure it out)  
> thank you all so much, i really appreciate and love you all <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you!!! the comments i get on this story are amazing and i can't believe i'm still getting kudos with every new chapter! thank you!  
> the response to the last chapter was great, as always, so thanks and ily and please never hesitate to talk to me :)  
> you are all the best please enjoy <333

**I**

The school hadn't calmed down about him and Even. Him more than anything, because it'd been so widely accepted that he was straight that when the idea was challenged, it caused more confusion than anything. Still no one had approached him directly, although he'd gotten a few texts that he'd ignored. He didn't really know what he'd do if someone came up to him and asked him, straight up. He didn't want to lie, but he didn't really want to tell the truth, either, not like this. He'd wanted to come out on his own terms, and that hadn't happened. So he didn't want to confirm this rumor that had been spread against his will, and he didn't know who to talk to about it.

Jonas and Mahdi and Magnus and Sana wouldn't understand. They'd sympathize, and they'd know it was wrong, but they wouldn't understand the feeling.

Even might get it. He'd come out when he was manic, he hadn't really thought over his options, and then when he was stable again he regretted it. But he didn't want to put this on Even, who already felt guiltier than anything. In private he'd hug Isak and hold him, but in public he would stand further away than ever, and he wouldn't dare to hold his hand under the table, and he would only rarely be seen with only Isak when none of their other friends were around.

Isak didn't want to pile onto that. Even felt bad enough, and it wasn't his fault, so complaining about it to him would only make him feel worse.

So he opened Instagram and sent a message.

_Hi Eskild do you have a minute to talk?_

They'd been talking back and forth a bit, since the party. It was rarely about his sexuality, unless Isak brought it up first, which he really appreciated. Because it felt like Eskild genuinely cared about him, as a person, not just as a gay kid in need of guidance.

_Hi Isak. Of course I can talk. Would you like to meet somewhere?_

He had kind of meant just over Instagram's direct messaging, but... this could be good, too. This would be better, he needed a little more practice with talking about himself in this way.

_Sure. I'm free whenever. Coffee?_

Eskild was eccentric and trustworthy and loving, and Isak barely knew him but he felt like he could tell him anything. He felt comfortable with him, like he could be himself. And his self was grumpy and short with people, but Eskild didn't mind it. He called him his baby gay and insisted that Isak called him his guru, and never complained about Isak's sarcasm or ill temper.

_Meet me in ten? I'll come to your neighborhood :)_

“Hey,” Isak told Lea, sitting at his feet. She looked up at him as she danced some stuffed animals on the coffee table. “Will you be okay alone here for like an hour?”

“I don't care,” she said.

“That's not really an, 'I don't care,' type question, it's more yes or no. Because I can stay if you want me to.”

“No one's gonna kidnap me, Isak,” she said, rolling his eyes. “Who would want me. Where are you going?”

“I'm gonna go get coffee with a friend of mine,” he said.

“Who?” she asked. “Jonas? Even?”

“No, someone else.”

“You don't have any other friends, Isak,” she said.

“Yes I do!” he protested. “What about Sana, she's my friend?”

“Are you having coffee with Sana, then?”

“No.”

“There's no one else.”

“You're a smartass. I'll be home in an hour.” He kissed the top of her head. “I love you. Be good. You know the rules.”

“Don't answer the door, don't answer the phone, call if I need something,” she recited.

“Good. I'll bring you home a hot chocolate. Try not to wake up Mamma.”

“Okay,” she said. “You worry too much.”

Eskild was already there when Isak sat down across from him.

“Hi, Isak, how are you?” Eskild asked with one of his grand smiles.

“I'm... okay,” he said, trying to smile back.

“What do you want to talk about?” He pushed a cup of coffee towards him. “I didn't know what you wanted so I just got the same thing I got.”

He took a sip of whatever was in that cup and his eyes widened at the sheer sweetness of it, making Eskild laugh. “Thanks,” Isak said, smiling. After the original unexpected shock—he got dark coffee all the time so this was new—it was really good. It tasted like vanilla and cinnamon and there was two inches of whipped cream. “I... um, I don't know if Noora talked about this at all,” he started. “Probably not, because she, you know, stays out of gossip and stuff. But. This girl caught me and Even at a party last week, and she kind of just... told. Everyone.”

Eskild's face softened, and Isak felt something akin to relief at that. Because it meant that he wasn't overreacting—not that anyone told him he was. He just always felt that his own feelings were invalidated by his own fears. Like maybe he was just so scared that he was making a bigger deal of this than it really was.

It was something that Jonas had always told him to work on. He had problems accepting feelings as rational and logical and okay to have. He always had.

“I'm really sorry, Isak,” Eskild said. “That's awful. Coming out should be your story to tell, and yours alone.”

“Thank you,” Isak said with a small smile. “It's... good to hear you say that.”

“I'm so sorry it happened,” Eskild said. “Are things... going okay, at school? Is everyone still treating you well, and stuff?”

It took Isak a moment, but he realized that Eskild was asking him if he was being bullied or abused or harassed. “No! No, no, no, people aren't.... They don't even know for sure, really, it was just. She came out and saw us, and we were hugging and I was drunk so I maybe said some... embarrassing, and... compromising things--”

“Ooh, like what?” Eskild asked, suddenly happy again instead of concerned, leaning his chin in his palms with his elbows on the tabletop. “What'd you say, baby gay?”

Isak blushed. “Just. Called him baby in front of my friends, and... you know, told him to kiss me. And stuff.” At Eskild's amused grin he rolled his eyes and looked away with a tiny embarrassed smile. “Stop. I was drunk. Very drunk.”

“And this girl heard all of this?” Eskild asked, expression sobering.

Isak's own face fell. “I'm not sure what all she heard. I don't remember most of what I said, honestly, I just know that I was out on the porch with Even because I wouldn't stop touching him when we were inside, and he was afraid people were gonna see and catch on and stuff, so he took me outside and, like held me, and stuff. We were just standing there. It was just.... It was nice. Really nice. And I kind of thought that maybe I wouldn't mind coming out, if it would always be like that.”

“That's really great,” Eskild said. He was smiling like he was proud.

“But then after she told everyone, it was just....” Isak sighed. “Now it seems so hard. Because if everyone's talking about me when it's only a rumor, what happens when I actually come out for real?”

Eskild thought about this, leaning back in his seat, before answering. Isak liked that he was thinking it through instead of blindly assuring him that he was okay. “I know it's hard. I know it seems like it won't ever be easy, and I know that it'll never be as easy as pretending you're straight. But, baby Jesus, it's so worth it. Being proud of who you are _will_ be hard, and I'm not saying it won't be. But you'll love it. Especially when you can finally have someone by your side that you're proud of, too. Are you proud of Even?”

“Yes,” Isak said. “It's myself that I'm worried about.”

“I know,” Eskild said. “And coming out should be something that you experience and initiate, and only when you're ready. So it sucks that this girl thought it was her story to share. It's not. It's no one but yours. So don't let it get to you. Okay? You can still deny it or embrace it or whatever you want. You don't owe it to anyone to tell them, it's no one's business but your own.”

Isak nodded. “It's not... bad? To stay closeted?”

“No, of course not!” Eskild said. “As long as you can admit it to yourself, you can take all the time you need. There's no time restraint, no deadline. Don't feel obligated, Isak. Just because people are talking about it doesn't mean you have to do it now.”

“I've been wanting to do it soon,” Isak said. “I really have. For a long time. I'm tired of... hiding, with Even. We're not really even dating yet, not, you know, officially. Because we wanted to start this right. I wanted to be able to say, you know, that he's my boyfriend, and walk around holding hands and stuff. I don't want some secret relationship, I didn't want us to be that. And now.... Now it feels like if I come out I'm only coming out because Emma did it to me first. I don't know if I'm still doing it for me or just because I want the drama to end. I don't want to do it because I don't have any other choice.”

“You clearly really like Even,” Eskild said. “You've clearly been thinking about this for a long time. I think that you're doing it for you, baby gay, I really do. And I think that's so brave of you. Even braver of you to do it now, when people are already talking, than coming out by yourself.”

“Really?” Isak asked. “Why?”

“Because confirming rumors, when everyone's had time to form their own opinions and speculations, that takes courage. When you've had time to see how people change when they talk to you? Change how they act around you? It can make you want to dig yourself back in, lock yourself back in the closet. You're brave if you can come out even after all of that. Do you think you're ready?”

Isak was still conflicted, still stressed out and sleepless, but at least he had more facts, now. At least he had all the support that he could. Maybe he wasn't ready right this second, but maybe he would be soon.

It still didn't make this moment any better, with everyone talking about him. It just made it a little bit easier.

  
**II**

“Hi,” he said, breathless at Even's door.

Even only looked confused for a second, like he was mentally calculating whether or not he'd invited Isak over. But he was quick to accept him in, closing the door behind him and planting a kiss on his forehead. The dog was wagging his tail at Isak's feet, and Isak rubbed his ears before Even told him to go lie down. “Hey, you're soaked. Do you want some clothes to change into? I can run yours down to the dryer while you change.”

“Okay,” Isak said, teeth chattering. Even hung up his jacket and went to the dresser to find him some sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“Are you okay?” Even asked, rifling through them.

“Can we talk after you come back?” Isak asked, kneeling to pet the dog again. “It's kind of a lot.”

“Of course.” He handed Isak the clothes. “You know where the bathroom is, leave your wet clothes outside and I'll run them downstairs. Make yourself at home, like you always do.”

Isak smiled and retreated to the bathroom. He left his clothes—all of them, even his wet boxers—in a pile outside, and heard Even's apartment door close.

Wearing Even's clothes was comfortable. He even took the liberty of picking up one of Even's hoodies from the floor and sliding it on, pulling the hood over his head and sitting down on the unmade bed, the dog's head in his lap as Isak pet him. Of course any dog owned by Even would be the sweetest in the world.

When Even came back he smiled at Isak, and Isak smiled back. It'd been hard for him to smile recently—he felt like he was falling apart.

“Hey, baby,” he said, sitting down on the bed next to him, petting Books and then telling him to lay down. The window was half open and Isak could hear the rain as a comfortable white noise that filled the room. “How are you?”

“It kind of just feels like... everything is falling apart,” Isak said, looking up at him. “With my mom, and my sexuality, and everyone just fucking... knowing about me. About us.”

“They don't know, baby, it's just assumptions,” Even said. Isak moved closer and rested his head on Even's shoulder. “I'm really sorry.”

“Even!” Isak said, pulling away quickly as Even looked at him in alarm. “Stop saying sorry! It's not your fucking fault, okay, I wanted you. I wanted you and you did everything you could to keep people from seeing. It's not your fault Emma saw and it's _definitely_ not your fault that she told everyone.” He took Even's face in his hands and squeezed his cheeks together, smiling at the sight. “You're so good, Even. I like you so much. And this wasn't your fault.”

He just looked so... vulnerable. He looked as guilty as he seemed to feel, and it made Isak sad.

“Hey,” Isak said, moving his hands to lay flat on Even's chest. “Do you want some tea? I'm really good at making tea.”

Even's lips quirked up in a smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “The master. Let's go, come on.” He took Even's hand and led him to the kitchen. “You want that... lemon shit that you get at the coffeeshop?” he asked, opening the cupboards until he found the one with mugs. Even pulled the tea bags out of the pantry.

“Sure,” Even said. “That lemon shit. Do you want some of that lemon shit, too?”

“Yes,” Isak said with a firm nod, even though he hated tea. Bitter fucking watered-down leaves. But it'd feel good to hold a warm mug between his palms, and he could choke some down. It was supposed to be calming and shit, right?

“Where's your kettle?” Isak asked, glancing around the small countertops, eyes landing on Even, who said, “I don't have one.”

Isak stared at him blankly for much longer than was probably warranted by the information he'd just been given. “What?”

“I don't have a kettle,” Even repeated, raising his eyebrows.

“Wh—How do you make it.”

Even laughed. “What?”

“How do you make tea without a kettle?” Isak repeated.

“I just boil the water in a pot—why do you look so confused, that's so cute.”

Isak forced a frown. “I'm not cute. Ever. Why don't you have a kettle, Even?”

“Look around this flat, Isak,” he said, spreading his arms. “What makes you think I have the responsibility for _any_ basic necessities? I have one pot.” He pulled it out from under the counter and filled it with water. “The stove takes a while to do pretty much everything.” He came up close to Isak. “What mugs did you pick?”

“Well there wasn't much competition,” Isak said, turning to pick up both of them. “There were three in the cupboard and one in the sink. But I've got... the one with some baby's face on it.” He showed him the baby face cup, where a photo of a child in a pink onesie had been printed.

“I found that in a thrift store,” Even said.

“And you bought it?”

“Not one of my best moments. I panicked. The lady asked me if I was gonna buy anything so I just bought that.”

“It's terrible.”

“It really is. What's the other one?”

Isak held up the second mug. “This gem. World's Best Aunt.”

“You can have that one,” Even said with a wink, and Isak laughed.

“Thanks for your chivalry.” He slipped his hands around Even's waist, and Even put his arms around Isak's neck.

“Are you okay?” Even asked. “I know you came over looking for comfort. I'm sorry you ended up comforting me.”

“No, I just wanted to be with you,” Isak said. “This is better than talking about things we've already talked about a million times before.”

Even smiled and kissed his temple. “Glad I could help, then.”

  
**III**

“I'm so proud of you, Mamma,” Isak said with a smile, squeezing her hand. “Thank you. Thank you so much, this is gonna be so good for all of us.”

She just smiled back nervously and sat down in the waiting room. Lea crawled into her lap.

“She's gonna try to prescribe some pills,” Isak said. “And don't worry about remembering them, I'll remember for you.”

“Okay,” she said.

“It's gonna be fine,” he said. “Don't be nervous. Doctor Lise is excited to see you. And Lea and I will be _right_ here. And when you're done we can go get candy like last time. Waste some of Dad's money? Does that sound good?”

She smiled at that, and he took it as a victory.

Dr. Lise's patient emerged from the office and the doctor said a few words to him before turning with bright eyes to his mom. “Hi, Marianne, so good to see you again. And your beautiful children of course, Isak, hi.”

“Hi,” Isak said. He waited for his mom to say something, and when she didn't he said, “She's just a little bit nervous, I think.”

“That's alright,” Dr. Lise said with a smile. “We can work with that. Marianne? Would you like to come in? Or do you want another couple minutes with your kids, first?”

His mother looked at Lea on his lap, and then Isak, who nodded with a smile and took Lea from her when she stood up.

“Good luck, Mamma,” Lea called as she started walking with Dr. Lise to the office. “I love you!”

“I love you, too, baby,” Marianne said with a shaky smile, looking back. “I love you both.”

“Have fun, Mamma,” Isak said, still holding Lea on his lap.

“Thank you, baby,” she said, and smiled once more, only a little uncomfortably, before disappearing inside.

This was one of her only good days in a while, so after two more scheduled and then cancelled appointments, they had finally made it further than the house's front door.

“Hey,” Lea said.

“Hey,” Isak answered.

She stepped off his lap and sat in the seat next to him. “Does Mamma know you like boys?”

The receptionist looked up from his desk at that loud and sudden question, which made Isak flush. “Can you maybe talk a bit quieter, baby girl?” he said. The receptionist looked back down when he realized that his was probably a private conversation, but Isak knew that he was still listening, because that's what he would do.

“No,” Isak said. “Mamma doesn't know. Please don't tell her, I want to tell her myself.”

“Okay,” she said, pulling Isak's phone from his pocket and unlocking it to play that battery-draining game that she played every time she had to go five minutes with him in public. “When are you gonna?”

“I'm not sure,” Isak said. “Soon, I hope.”

“You got a text from Jonas.”

“What's it say?”

“It's got a bad word in it.”

He grabbed the phone from her hands and opened up the group chat.

Jonas: _Emma's a dick dude is Even doing ok?_

Magnus: _Yeah we heard what's happening with him_

Mahdi: _I wish you two weren't being dragged through this man_

Magnus: _Doesn't change anything btw. We're still supportive and shit._

Jonas: _< 3_

Isak: _What are you guys talking about?_

Mahdi: _Even said people have been coming up to him at school._

Magnus: _He said they won't leave him alone._

Isak: _What??? He didn't tell me that._

_What are people saying to him?_

Jonas: _Talk to Even. He won't tell us._

Isak: _Fuck._

Mahdi: _Sorry man. I thought you knew._

Magnus: _People suck._

“Tell Jonas he has a big head,” Lea said, occupied with pulling a string on her sweatshirt sleeve.

“I'm... otherwise occupied,” he said distractedly, switching contacts to Even's. “I'll be sure to let him know, though.”

Isak: _Are you getting harassed at school?_

Even: _Fuck Isak_

Isak: _Are you???_

Even: _It's not a big deal._

Isak: _You're not allowed to lie to me Even._

Even: _I wasn't lying. I was just not telling you. You were so stressed out._

Isak: _That doesn't mean you can keep things from me._

_Total honesty, remember?_

Even: _Can I call you?_

“I'm about to take a call, Lea, can you be good in here for just a second?” he asked as he typed out a _yes_ to Even.

“Why can't you take it here?” Lea asked.

He glanced at her. “Because it's private.”

“Is it from Even?”

“It is.”

“Is it phone sex?”

“Oh my _God_ ,” Isak said, ignoring the receptionist whipping his head up. “Do not _ever_ say that again. I mean ever. Never again. What the fuck, where did you hear that?”

“On TV,” she said, but her interest in what she thought was something mostly innocent had piqued now that she found out that it was knowledge forbidden to her. “What's it mean?”

“It doesn't mean anything to _you,_ ” he said. His phone started buzzing in his palm and he stood up. “This conversation isn't over. I'm gonna start monitoring what you watch on TV. Stay here, I'll be back in a second.”

“Hey,” Even said over the phone as soon as Isak picked up, moving into the hallway of the office building, between different businesses.

“Hey, what's going on?” Isak asked. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I just didn't want you to stress, baby. I didn't mean to keep things from you, I know that's what caused this whole mess in the first place.”

“If people are bothering you I want to know,” Isak said. “Especially if it's about me, or because of me, or anything to do with us.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“I'm not mad,” he said, but he sounded mad. Which Even pointed out to him. Isak smiled. “I'm not mad,” he repeated in a softer voice. “I'm sorry I made you think I was, I'm not. I'm just worried. Seriously, that's it.”

“Total honesty?” Even asked on the end of the line.

Isak smiled. “Total honesty. What are people saying?”

“They're just asking if it's true. That's it, no one's being mean or rude or anything but it's... a lot. I keep telling people not to ask you, to leave you alone, and so everyone comes to me. I don't know what to tell them, Isak, I mostly just say it's none of their business which is basically an answer.”

“That's a perfect thing to say, Even,” Isak said. “Don't worry about it, I'll come out soon and this will all blow over. Don't think about my reputation, just think about yourself. Are you okay?”

“It's just a little stressful. But I'm okay. Look, babe, this is hard for both of us. That's cause we're in it together. It's what a couple does.”

Despite the weight of what they'd just talked about, Isak found himself smiling and blushing and tucking his arms around himself. “A couple?” he asked.

“Well, yeah, that's what we are, isn't it?” He could tell Even was smiling and blushing, too.

“Are you my _boyfriend_?” he mocked in the fondest voice.

“If you're mine.”

“Don't be cheesy.”

“I'm the cheesiest.”

“I gotta go, baby. I'm with my mom at the doctor's, and Lea just asked me what phone sex is, so I should probably figure out a way to deal with that. Are you okay? You'll tell me if something's happening?”

“From now on. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Have a good day, I'll text you later.”

He smiled for the rest of the day, and it felt so good to smile again, with all the stress surrounding him. It was because of Even and the fact that he'd said “boyfriend” to the boy he liked—or his boyfriend, maybe, what the fuck—and because his mom got prescribed antipsychotics and antidepressants and they picked them up from the pharmacy after stopping for ice cream.

It was because things were looking up again.

  
**IV**

“People will only ask me about it over text,” Isak said, “or through Facebook. Why are they coming up to you?”

“Maybe I'm more approachable, you little grump.”

“That's probably the actual _least_ flattering thing you've ever said to me,” Isak said, running his fingers through Even's hair where he was resting on Isak's chest as they sat up in his bed to watch TV. Books was at the foot of the bed, laying calmly like he did everything else.

“You're right, that wasn't very good,” Even said, smiling, his arms around Isak's waist.

“It wasn't. You have to address me as _boyfriend_ now,” Isak said. “All the time.”

“Yes boyfriend,” Even agreed with a nod, smiling into his shirt. “You're the cutest boy alive.”

“I know,” Isak said. “That's me.”

“That's why everyone's so obsessed with us,” Even said. “Because they're all jealous at the idea that they can't have you.”

“When I come out we're gonna be the power couple of the school,” Isak said. Even's hair was so soft between his fingers. Isak cupped Even's head to chest with one hand on his cheek, and it felt right to hold him like this.

“We are,” Even said. “We already are. The _most_ powerful couple. No one's better than us.”

“The masters of being a power couple,” Isak said, and Even laughed.

He'd been over at Even's for a few hours already. Lea was having a sleepover with Cathrine, as was customary on Friday nights, and so Isak had been at Even's since school ended, and he didn't intend to leave anytime soon. His mom's pills were working to control the psychotic episodes, so he felt like it was safe to leave her alone. She wasn't in a depressive state, and she was now not having episodes of delusion, so she was kind of just bustling around the kitchen baking a thousand pies and then taking naps on the couch. So he trusted himself for a late night out, he could be okay with that, and she was always in bed by eight pm, no matter her mental state.

“Do you want tea?” Even asked.

“I hate tea,” Isak admitted.

Even smiled. “Total honesty?”

“Total honesty.”

“I'll make hot chocolate,” Even said, kissing his cheek as he moved to get up. “Don't change the channel, if you make me watch late night reruns of _Catdog_ I will make you leave.”

“Mean,” Isak said, picking up the remote as Even went to the kitchen. “That's no way to treat your brand new boyfriend.” _Boyfriend,_ holy shit. He could say that now.

“Only the best for my brand new boyfriend,” he heard from the kitchen.

Even's apartment complex only had basic cable, so there weren't many channels to flip through and keep him occupied. He stopped on a cooking show and got up to meet Even in the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe to watch Even put a saucepan of milk on the stove. Books hopped off the bed and padded after him, stopping at his feet and sitting down before looking between Isak and Even. Even gave him a treat and Books retreated to his own bed beneath the window. The chillest dog alive.

Isak loved Even's apartment. It was tiny and cozy and always the perfect temperature, and most of all it had Even in it and everything reminding him of Even. Even Books was becoming a fond part of his day, because he greeted him once with a lick to his palm and then mostly just left him alone. That's the kind of dog he and Lea needed. Well, the kind of dog Isak would prefer—Lea definitely needed something with more energy so that she could sap it away in a half hour's time.

He mostly loved watching Even in his apartment. He looked so easy and comfortable here. He looked confident, like he belonged in this tiny kitchen heating up milk in the solitary pot that he owned.

“Need any help?” Isak asked, coming up beside him.

“We just gotta wait for the milk to warm up,” Even said, putting his hands on Isak's waist. Isak smiled, his hands on Even's arms.

“It's stupid that your dumb warm milk makes me smile now,” he said. “Being a boyfriend isn't good for my tough exterior.”

“No, it's not,” Even said, pressing their noses together.

“But I know you like me better this way,” Isak said.

“I like you all the time, no matter what.”

Isak didn't really know what combination of emotion and setting and mental state made him lunge forward, but something did. And then they were kissing for the first time in nine months, Isak's arms moving to wrap tight around Even's neck. They were breathing hard and breaking apart only for seconds at a time. Isak tasted his lips and his tongue and his fingers pressing into his back.

Nothing had ever felt as good as this.

“Slow,” he panted as they broke apart, voice quiet and eyes on his reddened lips. “Let's go slow. I need to know you're staying.”

“Fuck, whatever you want,” Even said, ducking to kiss him again, hungry and wet and beautiful.

And fucking _finally._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr and please talk to me here or there about anything at all [supermansplaining](https://supermansplaining.tumblr.com/)  
> shoutout to the tumblr anon who gave me tech lessons so i could link this i'm sorry for my uselessness <33


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the response to the last chapter was insane, thank you!! so glad you liked it!  
> i don't have much else to say i guess except thank you for talking to me! i love getting comments on here and asks on tumblr or direct messages or anything. also thank you so much to people who recommend this fic, that's so nice <3

**I**

Isak spent all night at Even's.

They did nothing more than kiss, and it was okay. It was more than okay. Because after that first kiss in forever, he'd never get enough. If he was this overwhelmed simply by a kiss, this taken and this gone, then he certainly wasn't ready to have sex with him again. He certainly didn't feel the immediate need to, it wasn't like last time, like if he didn't get more _right now_ he might never get more at all. Last time he was still so afraid of being left. This time he knew he wouldn't be. This time he knew they had time. All the time in the world.

Even wouldn't leave this time and Isak wouldn't cause him to. The fear was gone. There was no rush to do everything before time ran out. Because Isak had trusted few people like he now trusted Even. He'd been through a lot with a lot of different people, but he and Even had overcome the most. They'd talked everything through exhaustively, lined all their fears up in front of each other and addressed them each individually. No more secrets—total honesty.

They'd kissed for hours, Isak lying half on top of him or Even hovering over him or the two of them laying side by side on the pillows and smiling into their kisses. They went between soft innocence and dirty half-hour make out sessions. There was lips and tongue and teeth, there were hickeys and badly-contained arousal, never acting on it more than slight friction before moving away to give each other time to breathe and settle down.

They fell asleep with the television on mute and their legs intertwined, facing each other. Even had his arm beneath Isak's head and Isak had his fingers cupping Even's cheek. He'd never fallen asleep so quickly.

And the next morning he didn't wake up to an empty bed, but to Even's blue eyes on him.

“Watching me sleep?” Isak mumbled, closing his eyes and pressing his cheek deeper into the pillow with a badly-contained smile.

“I was gonna make you breakfast,” Even said, moving his hand to push Isak's hair back from his face. “But I didn't want you to wake up alone.”

Isak smiled and pushed himself forward for a kiss. Because they did that now. Because he could. And Even kissed back, all soft and sweet, pulling back with a lazy smile. “Did you sleep well?” he asked.

“Better than ever,” Isak said. He stroked his fingers through Even's hair, pulling his head closer for another kiss. Even wrapped his arms around Isak's waist and Isak arched his back into the kiss.

“Do you want breakfast?” Even asked. He smiled and nudged his nose against Isak's. “Boyfriend?”

“Yes,” Isak said, grinning like the sappy, completely gone fool that he was.

“I'll make you breakfast,” Even said, rolling out of bed to stand up. “Let me let take the dog out, then I'll make breakfast.”

Isak thought about offering to take the dog out, but then thought about every single thing that could go wrong if he did, so he decided against it. He just nodded, let Even lean down to give him another easy kiss, and watched him walk out the door with Books on the leash.

He laid there for a minute longer, trying to wrap his head around the idea—the fact—that this was all happening. Everything he'd wanted for so long, everything he used to never let himself hope for. It'd happened. And they were still okay.

He left the bed to do the one thing he could actually do well in a kitchen. He turned on the coffeemaker—an ancient thrift store find, from the looks of it—and went to wash the four mugs in the sink.

“Hey,” Even said, letting Books back in and closing the door behind him, toeing off his shoes by the entrance. “I could get used to coming home like this.”

“Which mug do you want?” Isak asked as Even scooped dog food into the metal bowl on the kitchen floor. “This one for some drug I can't pronounce that I guess you stole from the doctor's office?”

“Tegretol,” Even said with a smile. “A mood stabilizer. I never tried it.” He was on lithium as a mood stabilizer and some antipsychotic with a very long name that Isak could never remember. They seemed to be working, even though Even had said it took a long while for his mind and body to adjust to the combination after trying infinite others. “And my psychiatrist _gave_ it to me, thank you very much.”

Isak set the mug on the counter and went to wash another one. “Is a psychiatrist the one who can prescribe drugs?”

Even nodded. “The psychiatrist is who your mom is seeing right now. They don't usually provide counseling, though, so I'm sure soon the doctor will recommend a psychologist for her.”

“Great,” Isak muttered. A new person to introduce his mom to, that'd be easy. “Do you want the Tegretol cup?”

“What's my other option?”

Isak held up the freshly washed mug and said, “This dinosaur one.”

“Ooh, no, that one's cool, you can have that one,” Even said, wrapping his arms around Isak's waist and making him move his arms around Even's neck, the dinosaur mug hanging off his finger. “You'll love it.”

“Mm, my standards are pretty high.” He leaned forward to kiss Even, got pushed back against the counter with it. “I was trying to wait until I was out to my mom before I did this,” Isak said against his lips.

“Sorry,” Even said, kissing him again.

“It's okay, I'll tell her soon.”

The insistent beeping of the coffeemaker brought them from their reverie and Isak turned around in Even's arm to pour the coffee into the mugs he set on the counter.

“Watch the dinosaur one,” Even said, hooking his chin over Isak's shoulder and pointing.

“Okay, babe,” he answered. He smiled and poured coffee into it, and then actually gasped because it changed with the heat of the coffee. The dinosaurs became bones and. It was actually really cool.

Even laughed and hugged him tight. “You're so cute.”

He would leave soon to pick up Lea from Ann's house and check on his mom. He'd have to go back to reality and answer his friends' texts. He'd have to talk with Even about what they were to each other in public. But that was later.

Now he sat on the counter drinking coffee and eating pancakes and kissing Even. His boyfriend. Now was all that mattered.

  
**II**

His mom was still getting used to the pills, but she'd been to another checkup with Dr. Lise, who'd said that it was going well for the period she was in. It wouldn't be much of a smooth transition, she'd be a little erratic for a few weeks until they took, and only after that adjustment period would the doctor be able to tell if they were working or if they'd need to try something different. But right now they were keeping her moods mostly in check.

She'd have short bursts of energy throughout the day and then long periods of exhaustion, but she was mostly stable. She was just sleeping a lot.

“Hey, Mamma,” he said, sitting down next to her on the bed. She was laying down against the pillows with a book in her lap, but she smiled at him.

“Hey, baby,” she said.

And Isak really thought that this was the hardest thing he'd ever have to do. Harder than raising his sister, harder than taking care of his mother, harder than watching his father abandon him over and over again.

He loved his mom so much. He didn't know if he could handle not being loved by her.

“I need to tell you something,” he said, twisting his hands together. What would happen if she told him to leave? He couldn't leave Lea, and his dad would never take him in. He wouldn't have anywhere to go.

“Okay,” she said, turning towards him. “What is it?”

He was dangerously close to not being able to breathe. He clutched his phone in his hand tight, knew that Even was only a call away.

“I really don't want it to upset you,” Isak said. “But I'm scared that it will.”

Her brows furrowed slightly. “What is it?” she asked again. “Are you okay?”

He nodded a bit. “I'm okay,” he said. “I'm... really good, actually. I... I'm dating someone,” he said. He didn't look at her face, but at his hands folding over themselves in his lap. “I'm dating a boy.”

She didn't say anything and he felt a tear roll down his cheek that he didn't even know was threatening to fall. He looked up at her, but she didn't say anything.

“Are you angry, Mamma?” he asked. He thought he might start crying if she answered. He knew he would. “He's really nice. He loves Lea, and he treats me well. I've known him for a long time, almost a year. But we... we weren't dating until yesterday. I wanted to tell you first. About me.”

“Why would I be upset?” she asked, and his head whipped up at her voice. She was smiling. “Of course I'm not upset.”

He did start crying, then. Just... because. And she gathered him up to her chest and let him.

“I have loved you forever,” she said, stroking his hair. “And I promise you that I always will.”

“I love you, too,” Isak said. He pulled back from her and wiped his eyes. “I know you love me. I know that.”

“And I know it's scary,” she said. “I know why you were scared. But God is love and if God wouldn't judge you then I certainly wouldn't. And no one should.” She smiled and laid her hand on his cheek. “Tell me about this boy. What's his name?”

Isak smiled and picked at a thread on the comforter. “Even,” he said shyly.

He heard the smile in her voice when she said, “Is he good to you?”

“The best,” Isak said, and she laughed. “Maybe you can meet him sometime.”

She kissed the side of his head. “I'd love to.”

  
**III**

“Lea, guess what?” Isak said, sitting down next to her on the couch.

“What,” she said with as much disinterest as her little body could possibly muster, staring down at her coloring book and scribbling with intense focus.

“You're more polite to other people, right?” Isak asked. “I really hope you are. I need you to be. People are gonna think I'm a dick if you enter high school like this.”

“Why would they think you're a dick?”

“Because I'm the one who raised you to be rude to everyone.” He glanced at her and added, “And don't say dick,” as an afterthought.

“Okay,” she said. “I'm not rude to anyone but you. And Jonas.”

“Yeah, you are really rude to Jonas.”

“But I still love you guys, I guess.”

“Well that's good to know,” Isak said. “Anyways, I have some news.”

“What news?” she asked, actually looking up at him this time.

“Me and Even are together,” Isak said with a smile, anticipating her reaction. She was Even's biggest fan, even if it was only

“Oh, I knew that,” she said, turning away from him again.

“What?” he asked, blinking at her.

“Yeah, you're _really_ obvious.”

“We only got together two days ago. When you were at Cathrine's house.”

“That's a lie,” she said, shaking her head.

“It is not!” he exclaimed. “We kissed for the first time two days ago.”

“You said you kissed for the first time last year.”

“Well—obviously I meant this time around. Why am I arguing with you about this, what the fuck, the point is I'm going to Even's, we're going on a walk, or something. He's walking his dog. Do you want to come get a hot chocolate and walk with us?”

“Sure,” she said, closing her coloring book and standing up. “But you don't have to lie to me. I know you've been dating him the whole time.”

“I haven't been,” Isak said.

“Sure,” she said, rolling her eyes and heading for the door. They pulled on their jackets and shoes and before Isak could open the door she put her arms around his waist and hugged. “I love you, Issy,” she mumbled. “You're my favorite person.”

“Baby girl,” he said, stroking her hair and smiling down at her. “You're my whole world. I love you, too.”

“You're not gonna replace me with Even?” she asked. “You're not gonna love him more?”

“I could never love anyone more than I love you,” he said. Her grip was tight and unwavering around him and he couldn't care less—she so rarely wanted to be around him like this anymore. “I love Even in a different way. But no one means more than you.”

She pulled back and it was only then that he realized what he'd said.

“You love him?” she asked, looking up at him with a very impressive smirk for an eight-year-old.

He blushed. He was blushing at his baby sister. He was really fucking gone for this boy, wasn't he?

“Don't tell him I said that,” he said.

“Is it true?” she asked, backing away so that he couldn't drag her through the open door and force forgetfulness.

“I don't know yet,” Isak said, busying himself with tying a kind of unnecessary scarf around her neck. It was pretty warm for March, which wasn't exactly warm, just relatively so. So she didn't fight him when he wrapped the fabric around her. “I was just sort of... speaking. Without thinking. Which is always a bad move, right?”

“Yeah, you're not very smart,” she said, pushing past him to walk out the door.

Isak didn't know if it was true. He thought it probably was, which was... dumb, maybe, because they'd been official for about two days and had only been “friends” in whatever loose definition they'd given it for two months. They'd hated each other—or disliked each other or been heartbroken over each other—for a hell of a lot longer than that.

But love itself was dumber than falling in love too fast.

He wouldn't say it even to himself yet, but maybe it was true. He wouldn't freak out if it was true.

He texted Even when they were outside his apartment and waited with Lea for him to come down.

“Do you and Even, like, kiss a lot, now, and do all that super gross couple stuff?” Lea asked.

“We do,” Isak said with a nod.

“Gross,” she said to reiterate her point.

“Hey.”

Isak turned around and came face to face with Even and his sweet smile and his pretty eyes. He was melting on the spot and he could feel it.

“Hi,” he said back, and smiled even wider when Even took his hand.

“Hey, Lea,” Even said to the girl crouched on the ground petting Books. “Good to see you again. How's school?”

“It's okay. Can we get hot chocolate now, Isak?”

“You don't want to be a little bit more polite?” Isak asked.

“I kind of only came for the dog,” Lea said. “I like you, Even, but I don't want to see you two suck face.”

“You don't talk like an eight-year-old should,” Isak said. “We're gonna work on that. You're gonna stop watching so much TV.”

“At least she's honest,” Even said, squeezing his hand. “Let's go get some hot chocolate, baby, it's fine.”

“You're the sweetest person alive,” Isak said, pressing a kiss to Even's cheek. He didn't give a fuck who saw. He felt at least a little bit anonymous out here on the street, much more comfortable than he felt at school with everyone who knew him. Baby steps. This was amazing, for now.

“This is what I was talking about,” Lea said. “Can I walk Books?”

“Sure,” Even said, handing her the leash.

“Stay close,” Isak said. “Don't cross the street when you get to the crosswalk.”

“Stop worrying,” Lea said. “Thanks, Even.”

“He won't pull her into the street, will he?” Isak asked, eyes trained on Lea as she walked ahead of them with the dog.

Even swung their joined hands between them. “No, he's really well trained. Whoever had him before me did a really good job. I could never train him like that.”

“Yeah, because you're a pushover.”

“You're one to talk. At least I'm spoiling a dog not a human child.”

Isak laughed and pulled closer to him. “I really like you,” he said, looking at him.

Even ran his thumb over Isak's' hand and smiled as he said, “I really like you, too, baby.”

It was the first time they'd kissed in public. Isak didn't care about anything but Even's lips on his. As long as coming out came with as great a distraction as that one, he'd be fine.

  
**IV**

He didn't exactly come out to the people at school. He didn't really do anything. He just acted like he always did, but now he didn't care.

He didn't care if people talked about him. He didn't care about the gossip. He didn't care about anything but Even, because it was all that mattered.

His friends didn't care and his family didn't care and that was all that mattered in the least.

He still wouldn't grab Even and kiss him in the halls. It was half because he wasn't ready and half because he didn't feel like giving everyone who gossiped about him the satisfaction of being right.

It wasn't anyone's business. He didn't _have_ to come out to them, he decided, because they didn't mean anything. The kids at school could see and observe and come to conclusions on their own. He wasn't going to broadcast it, but he wasn't going to hide anymore.

He and Even had spent a long night in Isak's living room talking about it. Between kissing and drinking hot chocolate and watching sad movies, they'd talked about everything. They'd talked about them, about their relationship, about how it would progress. They said they wouldn't rush to have sex, they wouldn't rush to do anything, including coming out. They wouldn't push when they weren't ready, they wouldn't kiss just to prove a point or not hold hands to stay hidden. They'd do what felt right.

Today, they were just... together. Like they were _before_ they were together, before Emma saw them and Even started staying away when they were in public together. They stood too close and held hands under the table and it worked because right now, this was their comfort level. Neither of them had done this before. This was a place to start.

“Hi, baby,” Isak said, sitting next to Even at the table. “I got an extra cheese toastie, do you want it?”

“I want it,” Magnus said.

“I didn't offer it to you,” Isak said.

“It's for his _boyfriend_ ,” Mahdi said, then made a kissing face at them. Even picked up one of the toasts from Isak's plate and took a bite, smiling at the boys.

“How's the relationship going?” Jonas asked, taking a bite of his sandwich and looking across the table at them.

“Good,” Isak said with a smile, looking at Even. He thought that maybe he was falling in love. He thought that maybe he was already there. “Really good.”

“Did you fuck yet?” Magnus asked, mouth full of something that sprayed over the table when he spoke.

“Not this time,” Even said. “But I can't wait til we do.”

“Even!” Isak said, cheeks flushing.

“He was great the last time,” Even said with a wink in a stage whisper.

“I'm gonna break up with you,” Isak said.

Even turned to him, taking Isak's hand. “You wouldn't break up with your brand new boyfriend.”

“I sure would,” Isak said, biting his lip to stop the smile.

“You wouldn't.”

“Wow, this is gross,” Magnus said, like he hadn't just spit the contents of his mouth all over the table. “Is this how it's always gonna be, now?”

“Yes,” Isak said, looking into Even's eyes. He'd never get tired of Even's eyes.

“We're about to be the sappiest fucking boyfriends the world has ever seen,” Even said. His confidence and teasing and loud personality came out when they were around others, even when he was sweet and soft when it was just the two of them. Isak loved it, loved everything about him, every different face he showed the world as long as Isak got to see them all. “We're gonna make out everywhere, and we're gonna call each other gross names.”

“Like what?” Jonas asked in amusement from across the table.

“Like...” Even tapped his fingers on the back of Isak's hand as he thought, turning away from him and towards the other boys. “Sugar, and honey, and sweetheart.”

“Those all insinuate that Isak is nice or otherwise sweet,” Mahdi said. “Which would be entirely incorrect.”

“He's right,” Isak said. “Also those all suck. Stick to baby.”

“Yes, boyfriend,” Even answered, smiling.

Isak would never get used to him saying that, he was sure of it.

  
**V**

His mom had been very emotional today. Dr. Lise had said that it could happen, that it probably would happen, that it was odd that it hadn't happened yet. Getting used to these particular antidepressants created some mood imbalances at first, and when he Googled all the side effects of her antidepressants and antipsychotics, completing the same meticulous research he had on Even's bipolar, he was told by these websites, too, that he should expect it. So he shouldn't have been as utterly shocked as he was when he and Lea were baking with their mom—he was told very nicely to go cut cherries instead of helping after he splattered batter everywhere with the electric whisk—and his mother burst into tears, halfway to the oven.

He and Lea both just stood there for probably far longer than was appropriate when one's mother is crying, but soon he was able to move his feet enough to take the pie pan from her and then wrap her in a hug when the pan was safely deposited on the countertop.

The next half hour was a chaos he remembered from when Lea was a baby and his father left the first time. He had gotten the hang of it quickly and had never quite experienced a panic like that again, until now.

His mother's crying made Lea start crying, and when Lea cried she clung to Isak like she'd break if he moved away. He didn't know what to do. What he did know was that his heart was shattering at watching both his mom, the strongest woman he'd ever met, and his baby sister, the most strong-willed little girl in the world, cry. Especially both at the same time. He wasn't sure of the last time he'd seen his mother cry; when she was depressed she never shed a tear and when she was broken from reality she didn't and when she was angry and scared in the middle of the night she would throw things and yell but she wouldn't cry.

So he didn't know what to do when he had her in his arms and she was sobbing.

“I'm sorry,” she said between long breaths in and out, voice nasally from the tears that wouldn't stop crying. “I don't know what's wrong, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Isak said, rubbing her back. Lea was attached to his waist and tugging at the sleeve of his hoodie. “It's just the drugs. It's not your fault.”

“Mamma what's wrong?” Lea sobbed. “Mamma!”

Apparently seeing her daughter in distress upset his mother even more, so she stopped being able to apologize, taken over by the force of her sobs, and Lea cried harder, too, because her mom was, and Isak was stuck in the middle without any knowledge at all of what to do in this situation that he had found himself in.

His mom didn't cry. He didn't blame Lea for being upset by the fact that she was. He kind of wanted to cry, too. Both from his favorite people in the world crying, and because of what was happening to him right now. This mess that he would have to clean up.

“Lea, sweetie, you have to let go,” Isak said, trying to shake her off with his leg as one would do a dog. “I'll take Mamma upstairs, just wait for me down here.”

“No, Isak!” she said, gripping him harder.

“Lea, please!”

“It's okay,” his mother said, barely able to speak through her tears. “I can go up by myself, it's okay.”

“No, Mamma, I'll come with you. It's okay. Lea, let go, I'll really be right back, I promise.”

He spent a long time tripping over Lea as he got his mom in bed and then went back downstairs to make her tea. Marianne couldn't stop crying, she kept apologizing and kept trying to stop. He didn't know what the protocol was when one was hysterically crying, but he didn't feel comfortable just leaving her there to do it by herself.

He was quickly and easily overwhelmed.

He tried calling Jonas but he was quite obviously high and Isak didn't want Lea to see him like that, so he called Even instead.

“Hi, baby,” he said into the phone, hurrying from the kitchen with a full glass of water. Lea had stepped in front of him while he was carrying the last one and he'd dropped it on the kitchen floor, the water spilling in a wide puddle and the glass shattering.

“Hey, you okay?” Even asked.

“I'm just... a little overwhelmed—Lea I said don't touch the glass!”

“I just want to clean it up, I'm sorry,” she said, eyes big, and he hated that she thought he was mad at her, he wasn't mad at her and never could be. But just—

Everything was _happening_ again and it was too much for him to handle alone. He'd forgotten what it was like to have to do everything on his own.

“Do you want me to come over?” Even asked. “I can be there in five.”

“Do you mind?” Isak sighed, kneeling down to move the glass away from where Lea was standing.

“Of course not.”

“It's not really a fun time over here,” he said.

“Anywhere's fun if I'm with you.”

Isak rolled his eyes, smiling. “You're so fucking lame, Even.”

“That's me, baby. Hey, I'm leaving now. I'll see you in a few minutes?”

“Okay,” Isak said. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

When they hung up Lea was crying again and this time Isak knew it was his fault. He'd only made his baby sister cry a handful of times before, and each time he felt worse than the time before. Nothing could crush him more than not only seeing her tears, but knowing he was responsible for them.

“I'm sorry,” he said, pulling her into a hug, still kneeling on the ground. “You didn't do anything wrong, baby girl, I'm sorry.” He pulled back and wiped some tears from her face, tried smiling at her even though he just wanted to start crying with her. “Hey, do you want to help?”

She looked at him, then the glass on the floor, and nodded when she looked back up.

“Okay, go run this up to Mamma, okay, and make sure she drinks some,” Isak said, handing her the glass of water, which she took carefully in both hands. “And then I'm sure she'd love some hugs from you, do you think you could do that?”

She nodded again, eyes big and red rimmed, still sniffling a little bit. Her cheeks were rosy and she looked exhausted.

“And if you want to take a nap you can sleep upstairs with Mamma,” he said, stroking strands of hair out of her face. “Or you can come back down here to watch a movie with me and Even. Whatever you want, Lea. Okay? Don't cry, I'm sorry.”

“Is Mamma okay?” she asked.

“Mamma's fine,” Isak said, rubbing her arm. “It's just the medicine, I promise. It's just something she's getting used to. Mood swings and stuff, Doctor Lise talked with me about them. Don't worry.”

“Okay,” she said, then turned to go up the stairs with the water glass clutched between her palms with extreme concentration. He sometimes forgot how young she still was. Maybe because she spoke to him like she was older, or because she had more opinions than most people her age. Because she didn't usually cry, maybe, and the tears on her cheeks made her look like the child she was.

She was confident, yes, but she was still a kid. A kid who'd dealt with things that most people never do.

He finished cleaning up the broken glass and the spilled water, making sure to wrap the shards in a dishtowel before throwing them away and then sweeping the floor just to make sure.

He was about to go up and check on his mom when Even knocked on the door and Isak raced over in relief, tugging the door open and pulling Even into a hug.

“Whoa—hi,” Even said, holding him tight around the waist. “What's going on, are you okay?”

“I'm fine, it's just....” He pulled away with Even's hands still on him and waved vaguely to the rest of the house. “Mamma's pills are still not quite... right, I guess? She's still getting used to them. And Lea was just really upset that she was upset, and _I_ don't know how to handle any of this anymore.”

“Anymore?” Even asked, hugging him again, speaking against his cheek.

“I used to have to do it by myself all the time,” Isak said. “But then there was Jonas and now there's you and I just... am not used to doing it on my own.”

“Good,” Even said, kissing his temple. “You don't have to.”

Isak let himself be held in the quiet, Even's arms around him and Isak resting his weight against him. It was nice and calming and just what he needed. He didn't want to fall back to his cyclical lack of sleep based on stressful events. He didn't want to be so easily overwhelmed with no release that he felt every little stressor building up with nowhere to go.

“Thank you,” Isak mumbled into his neck.

“No problem, baby,” Even answered. “You can ask me for anything.”

“I know,” Isak said. “It's still new to me.”

Even rubbed his back, but they were broken up by Lea's voice behind them.

“Isak? Mamma's asleep.”

She sounded so small and unsure and Isak knew it was because he yelled at her, so he pulled her into a hug and then picked her up and carried her to the couch. “Let's watch something, Lea,” he suggested, sitting her down next to him and kissing the top of her head.

Even sat on his other side, stripped of his shoes and jackets, and said, “Hey, Lea.”

“Hi, Even,” she said, as if she was shy, looking up at him from behind Isak like she hadn't known him and treated him like family for the last month.

Even didn't say anything else, just leaned back into the couch cushions as Isak pulled Netflix up on the TV and let Lea fish through her movies until she found one she wanted to watch.

Lea fell asleep only a few minutes into the movie, a deep sleep, and even though it was only six at night, Isak carried her up to bed and tucked her in. When he came back down Even was looking through Netflix to find something else, and Isak curled up into his side, watching him choose.

“Nothing sad?” Even asked.

“No,” Isak said, looking up at him and then settling more comfortably against him, Even's arm around him.

It was only nine when they went to bed. Isak checked on his mom and sister as Even got undressed and under Isak's covers, and they slept tangled up together like they had before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://supermansplaining.tumblr.com/) ily guys <333


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the kudos and comments! we're nearing the end of this fic and i've loved writing it. thank you so much for all the support <3

**I**

This felt like their party.

When Isak walked in with his hand laced with Even's, surrounded by their friends, he felt like the world was made for them.

Because, yeah, people stared, and people talked, and people were starting to figure out that, holy shit, Emma was _right_ , and Isak was _gay,_ but—

But it didn't phase him at all. Lea was at Ann's for the entire weekend, and his mom was sleeping when he left the house, a note on her bedside table. The neighbor was going to check on her in the morning so that Isak could spend the night at Even's, and he'd plugged in the landline by her bed so that she'd pick up when he called. He felt relaxed and able to enjoy himself. He felt like he was his age for the first time in a long time. And so he felt like this was for him, this party at a stranger's house. He felt like this was some celebration of youth and love and freedom, because he was holding hands with a beautiful boy and walking with confidence aided by beer and pot, he was sandwiched between Jonas and Magnus and Mahdi who loved him, still, and never treated him any differently.

This was his. His party, his night.

His boyfriend, holding his hand tight as they walked into the house's living room, kissing his temple as they came to rest in a relatively sparse corner, all of them holding beers from one of the two six packs that Magnus had in his backpack.

Isak put his arm around Even's waist and leaned into his side. They'd already downed a few beers each, save for Even who had limited himself to only two and was now holding a water bottle instead. So Isak felt warm and safe and confident, and it was only a little bit thanks to the alcohol, it was mostly because of Even himself. He didn't feel so scared, he didn't feel alone anymore, not in the least. He used to be afraid that this secret would come out and he would be alone in the backlash. Now he had a full support system, and no one else mattered, not the people who stared and whispered and wondered when the hell that had happened, when did Isak Valtersen stop getting blowjobs in bathrooms from pretty girls, when did he settle down with a gorgeous guy.

“Damn, why are people so fucking obsessed?” Mahdi asked, looking around the room at all the eyes landing periodically on their little group.

“They're the only gay couple in school,” Magnus said.

“They still shouldn't act like they're fucking zoo animals,” Jonas muttered.

“And Even's not gay,” Isak said, wrapping his other arm around Even's waist so that he was hugging him sideways with Even's fingers trailing down his back.

“Right, he's bi, sorry,” Magnus said, snapping his fingers into a gun and winking.

“I'm actually pan,” Even said with an easy smile. “But close.”

Magnus looked incredibly shocked by this. “What?” he said.

“He said he's pan,” Jonas said. “We've had a conversation about what pan means, haven't we?”

“You said you were bi,” Magnus said. He was entirely too concerned.

“I actually said I like boys and girls,” Even said. “Which is true. There's just... more to it than that.”

“I feel like I've been lied to,” Magnus said.

“This information has literally nothing to do with you,” Mahdi said.

“Hi boys,” Sana said, and Isak's attention was pulled from Magnus down to her, almost a foot beneath them.

“Sana!” Isak said, abandoning Even to give her a hug. “Hi, girl.”

Magnus and Mahdi and all of Sana's friends still clearly didn't understand the relationship between Isak and Sana. It didn't make sense without knowing what Isak and Sana and Even and Jonas knew about the past. And Sana was such a good friend that no one but those directly involved _would_ know, and Jonas only knew from the vague outline of the broken relationship between Isak and Even that Isak had told him when he came out. Even had told Elias everything that happened, after talking to Isak about it, but Elias hated no one, so that whole deal had been entirely drama-free.

“Hey, Sana,” Even said, hugging her with one arm. “Thanks for all your help.”

“Yeah, seriously,” Isak said. “Your nosiness really helped us out.”

“Sana got you two together?” Magnus asked, looking between the couple and Sana.

“Sana definitely helped,” Even said, wrapping his arm around Isak's shoulders and pulling Isak back into his side.

Sana's friends were all in a huddle behind her, listening intently and supporting Eva who was drunk off her ass and almost falling over.

“You told Sana before you told us?” Magnus asked. “What the fuck, man.”

“Me and Sana are close,” Isak said defensively. “Besides, I only told her because she was observant and she found out without me having to say anything. Maybe you should have been more observant.”

“What the fuck, you're the last person I would think is gay, you've gotten seven hundred blowjobs from very female girls.”

Isak blushed as Even said, “That's a lot.”

“Shut up,” Isak said, to the group as a whole.

“How'd you get it up?” Magnus asked, and everyone burst into laughter, including the eavesdropping girl squad behind Sana, and Isak himself, because Magnus seemed so genuinely confused and concerned.

“A mouth is a mouth,” Isak said after a minute, blushing the whole time, clearing his throat. “When you close your eyes you can picture... anyone down there.”

“Who'd you picture?” Vilde asked, as if that was in any way an appropriate question for a near-stranger.

“Vilde,” Sana sighed.

“Sorry,” Vilde said, smiling at Isak. “I'm still... learning.”

Isak found himself smiling back. “That's alright, Vilde.”

“We'll be going now,” Sana said, rolling her eyes. “See you two later.”

The boys all chorused various forms of, “Bye, Sana,” and Isak turned to Even, putting his arms around his waist as Even's went tighter around his shoulders. “Hi,” Isak said.

“Hey,” Even said.

“You're cute,” Isak noted, rubbing his hands in small circles on the small of Even's back.

“ _You're_ cute,” Even replied, kissing the tip of Isak's nose.

“You're both actually really gross and annoying,” Mahdi said, taking a sip of his beer. “In case you wanted an outside opinion.”

“We didn't,” Isak said.

“Oh. Well you got one,” Mahdi said. “I'm gonna go try to talk to that girl over there. See you guys later.”

It was only a few more minutes before Magnus and Jonas had left, too, in search of potential hookups, and Isak and Even were left alone in relative quiet.

“Hi,” Isak said, nudging Even's nose with his own.

“Hi,” Even whispered, closing the gap between them and kissing the breath out of Isak.

Kissing Even like this felt so freeing. Kissing him like he'd kissed a dozen girls, kissing him with tongue and teeth, kissing him with pride. Even tasted like the beer he'd had earlier, his lips were plush and soft and his tongue was skilled as it worked inside his mouth. In the back of his mind, Isak knew that people were watching, that people could see, that people were talking. But he didn't care a bit.

This was a better first step than school would have been. This was in a place where everyone was kissing and hooking up and disappearing into bathrooms, where everyone was dizzy with alcohol and loose with their bodies. It was loud and busy and somewhere where there were distractions in the form of every other drunken person doing something notable. So this was a good start.

“Your mouth is amazing,” Even murmured against his lips. “Nothing is more amazing than your mouth.”

“Really? That's why you're dating me? What about my winning personality?”

“You do have a winning personality,” Even said, tilting Isak's chin up so he could kiss him again. “But I can't make out with your winning personality.”

“That's true,” Isak said, smiling as they kissed again.

The boys came back about thirty minutes later, when Isak was working on his fourth beer with his back against Even's chest, Even's arms around his waist swaying him side to side from behind. Jonas brought a curly-haired girl who was drunkenly talking politics with him, and Mahdi had broken away from kissing a brown-eyed girl to rejoin. They monopolized the sofas, squeezing into a couch and a loveseat, and lit a joint to pass around.

When he got back to Even's, they would do nothing more but kiss and fall asleep. But even that was perfect. Isak went to sleep feeling freer than he ever had before.

  
**II**

“Are you two done making out?” Lea asked, laying on the floor with her arms around Books.

Isak broke away from Even's lips and looked down at her, but she was looking at the TV. “Should we be done? Is it bothering you?”

“I can hear your gross kissing noises,” she said.

Even laughed, leaned away from where he'd been pressing Isak into the back of the couch. He ran a hand through his hair to fix it after Isak's fingers had messed it up, and then looked down at his dog lying motionless save for the thumping of his tail.

“Fine, we'll stop,” Isak huffed, standing up and moving to the windows.

“No, Issy!” Lea whined as soon as she saw where he was heading. “It's so cold out.”

“I'll close them in a second, don't worry about it,” he said, lifting both of the windows so that the sound of the rain and thunder outside was loud and clear in the room. He went back to Even and curled up against his chest, letting Even put his arms around him and press a kiss to the top of his head.

Isak loved the rain, he always had. He loved gray skies and the cacophony of sounds falling as white noise behind conversations or as he tried to sleep. He liked watching lightning break the sky and the wind shake tree branches. Most of all he liked moments like this, when there was nothing else possible to do but sit inside and wait for it to end.

He watched the TV only halfheartedly. Because Lea on the floor petting the big golden dog was better. Even's profile, so close it was fuzzy at this proximity, was better.

Even looked down at him and kissed him softly.

He was going to introduce him to his mom today, but it ended up not being a good time. She was completely exhausted and had been sleeping all day, and it was a little harder to reach her than it'd been since she started her meds. So he'd told her that they could do it some other time, that there was no rush, and she'd been so sad and disappointed but ultimately agreed that there would be another day that was better for the introduction.

“Babe,” Even said, brushing his hair from his face and kissing his forehead.

“Yeah?” Isak asked.

“Your sister wants you to close the windows.”

He glanced down at Lea, who looked at him like she'd been trying to get his attention for much longer than she had patience for. Which, granted, wasn't a long time at all, but he still apologized and stood up to pull the window closed, and tossed a blanket over Lea and the dog as he went back to the couch. Even wrapped a throw over their laps and gathered Isak back to his chest, and Isak had never thought he could be happy like this. Happy and free.

Lea was comfortable around Even, now. She treated him like she treated Jonas, and Even was learning how to treat her, too, slowly but surely. Lea was a difficult kid to figure out, and Isak knew that. She didn't act like her age most of the time, but she still was that young girl. So Even had turned to the route of just giving her whatever she wanted so that she'd like him. And it was working. He brought her chocolate and ice cream and let Books come over whenever he knew that she would be home and he and Isak had plans. Isak loved it, it was the most endearing thing in the world. When Even treated his sister like a princess it just made Isak fall harder. He didn't know it was possible to fall harder than he already had, but he was finding that it appeared infinite, the depth of feeling. Every time he thought that this was it, he slipped a little more.

They shifted so that Even could lay his head on Isak's shoulder as they talked quietly and laughed at each other.

“You think that other Isak and Even are as happy as we are right now?” Even asked.

“Which ones?” Isak asked, pushing fingers through Even's hair.

“The ones that got it right the first time,” Even said.

“Oh, those bastards,” Isak said, and Even laughed. He adjusted the hand that Even was holding so that it sat more comfortably between them, and shrugged. “Who knows? There's infinite versions of them, too. I'm sure some of them are happy, and some of them are sad. Some are still together and some are broken up. I don't think it matters. They might have gotten it right first, but we still got it right. That's all that matters, right?”

Even pulled back to smile at him. “Right,” he said, and they kissed. It lost its innocence quickly, and soon they were making out again in the way that Lea had told them not to, but she was in her own little world with the dog and the Neflix movie, so she wasn't concerned with the fact that they were doing it again. Her presence kept Isak from climbing into Even's lap, or pushing him down into the couch cushions.

Eventually they laid down together on the narrow couch to watch the movie, Lea and Books still on the floor, and they all fell asleep for a little while. It was nice, having someone to do nothing with.

  
**III**

Isak had sucked Even's dick.

It was kind of a “thank you” blowjob, for waiting, and everything. A blowjob to reward their patience. A blowjob that was great for the both of them because Isak had only done it that one time before but he'd certainly loved it then like he loved it now. _Especially_ now because the feelings involved were way deeper and more intense, and it made everything else feel so much better. And so after the blowjob, it only took a few pointed touches from Even for Isak to finish as well.

“So much for taking it slow,” Even said, kissing Isak as they laid down in his bed.

“Slower than I've ever taken it before,” Isak said with a smile, letting Even rest his head on his chest.

“And it _has_ been a while since our first kiss,” Even said.

“Two weeks,” Isak confirmed with a nod, threading his fingers through Even's hair. “That's a good enough waiting period, right?”

“Honestly, I would never fight you on the logics of you giving me head,” Even said.

Isak was spending more and more time at Even's. It was a combination of his mother's medications working to make her almost as self-sufficient as she used to be, without weeks of depression or nighttime delusions, and Ann's willingness to constantly have Lea over whenever Lea asked to go over. He didn't feel guilty leaving all night, if his mom was feeling good and Lea was occupied with Cathrine. The nights Lea used to spend away from home, Isak would just sit at home alone or go out with friends but be home before midnight. Now he took full advantage of how free he was feeling—with his baby sister growing up and his mom getting better and his boyfriend being out with him in public—and he went to Even's place to spend the night whenever possible.

He never lied to his mom about it. If she had a problem with it, she never said it. He figured she thought that he deserved a bit of time to himself after a life of taking care of others, because his mom was constantly guilty over things she couldn't help and things she couldn't change. Especially now, when she was getting help and she could see clearly how much stress he'd been under. She apologized profusely, burst into random and uncontrollable tears, and then laughed when he asked what was wrong, because she didn't know, because _nothing_ was wrong except antidepressants screwing with her moods, and the fact that she'd been sick with a husband who refused to see her illness for what it was.

She was becoming the mother he'd once had, and even if these meds weren't the total right ones, they were making her happier than he'd seen her in a long time.

“Even?” Isak asked.

Even moved his head off of Isak's chest to be able to look him in the eyes, their heads side by side on the pillow. “Yeah?”

“When was the last time you had an episode?” he asked. They hadn't talked much about Even's bipolar, only about what prescriptions Even was on and some of the rules he and his psychologist had come up with to further protect him from an episode.

Even thought about this, tracing his fingers over Isak's cheek with his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I guess my last major one was last year, with the... you know.” Suicide attempt. He looked into Isak's eyes and smiled, said instead, “When I left school. They're not really supposed to come more often that that, or you've got rapid cycling. I wouldn't _want_ it to come more often than that.” He stroked his fingers through Isak's hair. “It lasted forever, the depression. But I've been good, since my diagnosis. I've been taking my pills and going to therapy and following my rules. It won't protect me forever. Someday I will have another one, and I won't know it's coming until it's there.”

Isak touched his fingers to Even's lips and smiled. “I don't mind,” he said, and leaned in to kiss him.

“I know you don't,” Even said, pulling him closer. “Because you're perfect. You're the perfect boy. The perfect boyfriend.”

“I am, aren't I?” Isak teased, kissing him again. He'd never get tired of it. He could kiss Even every minute of every day, and he'd never ever tire of it.

“Does my perfect boyfriend want me to return the favor he just gave me?” Even asked, lifting the covers and starting to slide under them, moving between Isak's legs.

“Oh my God, shut up,” Isak said, pulling the duvet over Even's head as he sank lower. “You talk too fucking much.”

“That's right,” Even said, muffled through the blanket, his fingers at Isak's waistband. “You want me to use my mouth for other things.”

“I'm gonna kill you, you suck at dirty talk.”

He could hear Even laughing from beneath the covers, and he thought he wouldn't trade this for anything.

  
**IV**

He was so fucking nervous. He wasn't sure if he'd ever been this nervous before, but of course that wasn't true. He'd been much more nervous telling his mom about Even than introducing her to him.

“She's a lot better now,” Isak said as they walked to the house's door. “And she's really excited to meet you.” Before he opened the door he turned back around to face Even, his hand still on the knob. “We also have, like, ten pies and cakes in the kitchen, so don't be... alarmed by that. She's been feeling kind of energetic lately, and when she's energetic she bakes. A lot.”

Even smiled. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Isak repeated, but it felt like he was asking himself this time.

“Baby,” Even said, stepping forward to kiss him. “Everything's gonna be fine.”

“I know,” he said, although he didn't sound certain. “I know, it's fine.”

“You seem so nervous,” Even said with a smile.

Isak tried to smile, too. God, of course his mom would love Even. Everyone who met Even loved him—Isak had to have been the only person in the world who ever disliked the guy. Still. He pulled Even in for another kiss, a deeper one, a longer one, and then released him.

“Okay,” he said. “I'm ready. Are you ready?”

Even smiled. “Ready, babe.”

“Okay.”

Isak pushed the door open and was greeted after only a few seconds by Lea's flying body. Lea still came to hug him around the waist when he got home from school almost every day. It was one thing that didn't change as she got older.

“Hey, baby girl,” he said, smoothing his hand over her hair, digging his fingers through a knot. “How are you?”

“Mamma made cookies,” she said in lieu of an answer. She moved to hug Even. “Hi, Even.”

“Hi, Lea. Good day at school?”

“Yeah,” she said, taking his hand and marching him into the kitchen. “Want a cookie?” she asked, just as their mother turned around in the kitchen.

“Hi,” she said, dusting her hands off on the front of her jeans, eyes lighting up when she saw the three of them. They landed on Isak, then Lea, before settling on Even. She held out one of her hands. “I'm Marianne. It's so nice to meet you.”

“Hi, I'm Even,” Even said, stepping forward to engulf her small hand in his own fingers. “Nice to meet you, too.”

“I'm sorry it's taken so long,” she said, gaze flitting nervously between Isak and Even as Lea reached up on the table for a cookie.

“That's alright,” Even said, with that easy smile of his. “At least we're meeting. Isak's talked a lot about you, I'm glad we finally get to talk to each other.”

“Me, too,” she said, smiling at him. Isak could tell she was relaxing, and as she did, so did he. Even was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected, like he always was. Or, like he usually was. When he and Isak were trying to get together, both separate times, Even had been even more nervous than Isak was, or at least he showed it more. The thought made him even calmer. It wasn't a big deal. Nothing was a big deal.

“Would you like anything to eat, Even?” his mom asked. If he did there were about a hundred options. Cakes lined the counters, each one's pan labeled with a sticky note so that she could keep track of which baked good went to which of her friends and neighbors, and which ones went to the church. “There's cookies, if you want some,” she said, gesturing to a tray of them, and Even took one with a polite, “Thank you.”

“Isak?” she asked. “Do you want one?”

“Sure, Mamma,” he said, stepping forward, putting a hand on Even's back to lean past him. “Thank you. They look great.”

“They are great,” Even said, and Lea nodded enthusiastically at Isak's side, munching on her probably fifth or sixth cookie of the afternoon.

They all sat around in the living room after that. It took a while for Marianne to warm up, but once she did, the conversation flowed easily and there was actually laughter all around, which was far better than Isak could have hoped for. She asked Even about his parents and school and the dog that Lea couldn't stop talking about, and Even answered in ways that made her smile. Isak was so proud of both of them.

When Even left, after Isak walked him to the door and let him part with a kiss, Isak turned around to his mother and found her smiling, hugging her arms to her body, looking almost in tears.

“What is it?” he asked, walking up to her.

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head and wiping her eyes. She reached up and held Isak's face in her hands. “I'm just so glad you're happy, baby.”

  
**V**

“Hi,” Sana said brightly, setting her backpack down on the floor next to her and pulling out her chair. Isak looked up from his notebook and smiled.

“Hey,” he said. He sat back in the chair, dropping his pen to the table. “Ready for the test?”

She scoffed. “Always. You?”

He hummed a vague response, looking over his notes again. “I've been a little busy, lately,” he said with an uncomfortable smile.

She nodded, raising her eyebrows. “New boyfriend, right?” she said with a wink.

He smiled and said, “Yes, he's a bit distracting when we get together to do homework. I figured out a little too late that I probably need to do my studying without him around. So I only had last night for it, really.”

“You'll be fine,” Sana said. “As much as I hate to admit this, you're at least almost as good as I am in this class.”

“Sana,” he whined. “I need better vibes than that. I need undying support and lies about my intelligence.”

“You have a mother and boyfriend for that,” Sana said, taking out her own notebook. “And a whatever the hell Jonas is to you. You don't need me.”

“Come on, Sana. One compliment.”

“I already gave you one!” she protested.

“Another one,” he said, watching her take her phone out of her pocket. “A better one. Who are you texting?”

“Even,” she said, pressing send and setting the phone face-down on the table. “Because this is his fucking job, not mine. And I don't have Jonas's number. Or your mom's.”

“You think all those three people are equally qualified to talk me up to myself?” he asked.

“Well Jonas is basically your boyfriend without the benefits,” she said. “He has to listen to you whine and complain but doesn't get any of your...” she gestured to him and finished with an uncertain, “goods.”

Isak laughed and they settled into a comfortable silence reading through their notes side by side, until Isak got bored and turned to her again. “How are things going with the girls?” he asked.

She shrugged, looking up at him. “It's not perfect, but it's definitely getting better.”

“That's good, I guess,” he said. “That they're... learning, at least.”

“It's just tough,” she said. “I think it's always gonna be tough, no matter what I do. I'm the Muslim girl, and no white atheist is gonna understand.”

“You're right,” Isak said. “But they could at least respect you enough to try.” His phone started buzzing in his pocket and Isak pulled it out to see a text from Even. _You can do it. You're a star. I'll reward you with a blowjob if you get a six. Or a five. Or a four._

Isak shot back a quick, _You can't be that loose with your rewards or I won't try at all,_ and then he turned back to Sana. “They're good people, though,” he said. “Your friends? I really don't think they mean to be this ignorant.”

“No, I know they don't _mean_ to,” Sana said. “But they only just recently started trying to actively gain more information. Up until this point they either never asked or just speculated wildly.”

“Yeah, that's not the best,” Isak said.

“But let's talk about you and your fresh new piece of ass,” she said. “Because your friends seem really great about the whole... gay thing.”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “Yeah, they're great. I mean, Magnus says some stupid shit, but.... He's never meaning to be offensive, I genuinely just don't think he knows any better.”

“Why, what's he said?” she asked in amusement.

“He's asked who's the man and who's the woman,” Isak said. “Like, when we have sex?”

She laughed. “Shit, I wasn't expecting that. Really?”

Isak nodded. “He also asked me if I like giving head. It's honestly mostly sex stuff, he's very curious.”

“At least he's trying to understand,” Sana said. “They're dumb questions, but they're dumb questions that are resolved once you answer them, so he knows that they're dumb. You know?”

“That's true.” He got another text from Even and looked down. _Fine. A blowjob for each number. You get a one you only get one, you get a six then you get six. Deal?_

 _You give me blowjobs all the time Even this isn't a special treat,_ he wrote back. He looked up at Sana again. “Hey, thanks for making me talk to Even and listen to his side of the story and everything,” he said. “It only worked out because you made us talk, so thanks.”

“Not a problem,” Sana said. “I couldn't care less if you two dated, but I at least didn't want you to hate each other.”

“Well, obviously everything worked out okay,” he said with a small smile.

“Obviously it did,” she agreed.

His phone buzzed again and he rolled his eyes before looking, and then wished he'd waited a while. _Okay fine I'll eat you out if you get a six._

His face flushed red and he put the phone down as fast as he could.

Sana was smirking at him knowingly. “Was that Even?”

He nodded once, trying to cool the burning in his cheeks. “That was Even.”

“Did he provide you with incentive to do well?” she asked.

“He sure fucking did,” Isak said, bending over his notes again to hide his blush.

“Better than your mom or Jonas could do, I'm sure,” she said.

“I was asking for a compliment and he's... bribing me with sexual favors.”

Sana laughed. “Is it a bribe?” she asked.

“I think it's an incentive,” he said, furrowing his brow and turning to her. “He's incentivizing me with sexual favors?”

“Either way, you're gonna get a sexual favor out of it,” Sana said. “I'd call it a win.”

“Yeah, me too,” he answered with a short laugh. “Sana, I've gotta say I never imagined I'd be talking about sexual favors with you. For a lot of reasons, I mean, but mostly because I just never thought we'd ever have a reason to become friends.”

“Good thing it was me that chased you into the bathroom at that party,” she said with a soft smile.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I'm glad it was you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love your comments, and please talk to me about anything in the world on my [tumblr](https://supermansplaining.tumblr.com/) :D you guys are amazing, good luck with tonight's clip :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii  
> so much love and support for the last chapter i can't tell ya'll how much your comments and messages mean to me <3 and holy shit over 1300 kudos? that's crazy, thank you so much!  
> i know there's a lot of disappointment surrounding the show but i still hold out hope that julie knows what she's doing, and i'm also not as upset as a lot of people are and i'd really like to stay loving this show that i've loved since i started watching in season 2. feel free to talk to me of course and ask me my opinions, i love it when you do that! but please try to stay positive, if possible :)  
> i love you guys <33

**I**

He'd put this off long enough to quell his fears about it, or at least bury them with other fears, so when he actually stepped into the animal shelter he was a little numb to it all. Until the barking started and he was pulled back into the reality of _holy shit_ this was happening, he'd have to look at a thousand dogs that he was afraid of and then take one home with him.

Lea had asked Even to take her instead, but Isak wanted to have a say in the animal that came home with the two of them. So he put on a brave face, and he walked into this place of his nightmares.

It wasn't that he was necessarily _afraid_ of dogs. Like, he didn't really like them if he didn't know them, and maybe that was fear, but usually when he got to know them they were great. Like Books. Books had at least worried Isak when he first encountered him (and for an admittedly long time after that), but now he could sit on Even's floor with the dog's head in his lap for an hour and be totally okay. Calm, even. So he knew that he could find the right dog. If Lea would let him.

He told the lady at the front desk that they were looking for a dog, and she said they'd need to come back with an adult in the family, over eighteen, who could sign the adoption papers.

Lea's face fell, but Isak asked if they could at least take a look at the dogs and then come back with his mom some other time to actually pick it up.

So they were escorted back, into a hallway with kenneled dogs on either side, and a lot of them started barking at them, making Lea smile appreciatively as Isak shrank back behind her, keeping his hands on her shoulders as if that alone would keep the larger dogs from breaking their confines and eating her whole.

He was overdramatic. He knew that. He was full of irrational fears. That knowledge didn't make the fears any less scary.

“Look at this one, Isak,” Lea squealed, pointing to a huge fluffy beast with pointed ears, just lying on the ground and looking at them, its tail wagging. He liked that it was just laying there. He wasn't a fan of how completely fucking humongous it was.

“Can you point out the ones that are already trained?” Isak asked the attendant, his hands still on Lea's shoulders to steer her directly down the middle of the aisle, as far as possible from both sides. “At least housebroken?”

“Sure,” the woman said.

“Those are the ones we can get, Lea,” he said. “I'm not training a dog.”

“Okay fine, whatever,” she said, waving him off so she could pay more attention to the woman leading them.

They looked through the bars at all the housebroken dogs, all the trained ones, most of which were at least five years old, and as much as Isak would prefer a cat to any of these dogs, he couldn't help but feel for the poor things. Stuck in this tiny space day after day after being abandoned by their owners, unwanted. His heart broke for them more and more which each passing moment, and his reluctance faded. He wanted one, now, he wanted all of them, because despite his discomfort with how large and energetic dogs are, he would rather them be in his yard than in this place. He was sure the understaffed shelter was doing the best it could with the number of unwanted pets in the streets, but he wished more could be done.

So he didn't have any more qualms by the time they came to the second to last space.

“Oh my gosh, Issy,” Lea said, pulling away from his hands, which had loosened considerably on her shoulders as his fears lessened. “Look at her.”

Isak followed her to the bars of the crate and saw a dog standing there calmly and wagging her tail.

“This is Peaches,” the woman said, and the dog perked up at the sound of her name, which made Isak think that maybe she'd been there for a while. “She's house trained, she can sit and stay and lay down. We think she's around six years old, but we're not sure.”

She was a biggish dog, came up to Isak's hip, but she was the least threatening thing he'd ever seen, shaggy and golden and happy looking despite everything she'd probably been through.

“Where'd you get her from?” Isak asked, putting his arm around Lea and peering at the dog.

“Some college students found her in a parking lot with a broken leg,” the woman said. “It took a lot of help to get her back on her feet, but she's here.”

“Do you know what kind she is?” Isak asked.

The lady shrugged, which wasn't an encouraging answer, and said, “We know there's some lab in there somewhere.”

The kind of the dog didn't matter in the least, not to Isak, especially if it was as mild tempered as this one seemed to be.

They got permission to take her out in the fenced-in yard to play with her, and Isak loved her. She was the least intimidating dog, she was happy and calm and she knew how to fetch. Lea had fallen in love with at least ten dogs so far, but he could tell that she liked this one just as much, or even more.

“Do you want her?” he asked, letting Lea climb onto his back as they walked back inside.

“Yes,” she said. “Can we get her?”

“I think so,” Isak answered with a smile.

It was two days before his mom felt good enough to go down to sign the papers, but then they got to bring the dog home, and she was theirs, and this felt like a family.

  
**II**

Peaches slept in Lea's room every night. Where Lea went, Peaches went, and it'd been a week and they hadn't changed her name, yet, so Isak was unsure if they ever would. The dog seemed to like the name just fine, and it wasn't as bad as it could've been, and Isak really didn't want to try to teach her another one. Besides, none of them called her the same thing, anyways, they'd never be able to teach her something new if Lea kept calling her Peanut while his mom called her Petey and he called her Dog. If you said it in a high pitched, baby talk voice, she came to any word at all.

She'd been really good for all of them, at this point, even if it'd only been a week. Lea had a companion that loved her more than life itself, and their mother took to the dog immediately after she saw it the first time. Isak loved her, too, because he could sit with her and she would lay her head in his lap and he'd calm down.

She was with Lea, now, and they were both asleep in her bed. His mom was asleep, too, and it was why Isak had all the boys over to his house to drink before a party. A party that he and Even weren't going to, but that they were preparing for as if they were going. Isak was drinking far too much for someone with a mother and baby sister asleep in the floor above him, and they were watching the most disturbing children's show he had ever seen.

“This is terrifying,” Mahdi said, all of them staring at the television screen.

“I would never let my child watch this,” Jonas said.

Isak was resting with his head on Even's shoulder. “Can we change the channel?” he asked.

“I lost the remote,” Magnus said, squinting in confusion at the puppets. “Do you think they're supposed to be this scary?”

“I don't think so,” Even said. He wrapped his arm tighter around Isak and kissed his forehead. “Are you scared, baby? Need me to protect you?”

“You'd fight a bunch of puppets for me?” Isak asked, looking up at him and kissing him with a smile. “My hero.”

“I'd fight all the puppets in the world for you,” Even said, pushing him back into the couch cushions to kiss him again, Isak's arms winding around his neck to pull him closer.

“Dude,” Jonas said. “We're right here.”

Isak broke away from Even, a little bit drunk and feeling really good. “Sorry,” he said, settling back into Even's side. “But aren't you, like, leaving soon? To go to a party?”

“We weren't gonna go for, like, another hour or so,” Mahdi said, glancing at his watch.

“Can't you go now?” Isak asked.

“We have to leave the predrink that you invited us to just so you can fuck your boyfriend?” Jonas asked.

“We're not fucking,” Isak said.

“You're pretty drunk, aren't you?” Even asked, smoothing a hand through Isak's hair.

“I'm pretty drunk,” Isak agreed, looking at him. “How'd you know?”

“Aside from the fact that I watched you drink six beers? You would _never_ talk about our sex life sober.”

They'd been dating for three weeks. Or, it'd been three weeks since their first kiss (their first kiss since the _first kiss_ ), they'd probably technically been dating for long before that. Their sex life was active, for the one week they'd been having sex; it was full of blowjobs and handjobs and rimjobs, every kind of non-penetrative sex possible. And Even was right, Isak wouldn't ever talk about it to his friends, he'd never answer their questions. Ideally, he'd like to be known as someone who—logically, of course, had sex with his boyfriend, but no one really thought about it all that much. Just like someone _knows_ their parents have sex but would never ever delve into that knowledge. Of all his friends and his friends' friends, he had always been the least forthcoming about his sex life.

“You haven't fucked yet?” Magnus asked, and, yeah, Isak should have been expecting that.

“No,” Isak said. Anything else and Magnus would latch onto a new, possibly more inappropriate line of questioning.

“Have you done the whole...” he wiggled and flexed his fingers around, and finished, “fingering, thing?” and Isak wanted to die. He blushed, instead, and hid his face in Even's neck.

“What the fuck, Mags?” Mahdi asked, sounding amused.

“I did research when Isak told me to stop asking him questions,” Magnus said defensively. “Is that so bad? I don't want to be ignorant, Issy's the first gay guy I ever met.”

And when he put it like that it was actually kind of... sweet was the wrong word, but something like that. Considerate, maybe. Magnus never _meant_ to be offensive or make him uncomfortable or anything, he just honestly didn't know not to say the things he said.

“So, have you?” Magnus asked, and Isak glanced at him in confusion. “Done the fingering thing?”

“No, Mags,” Isak said. He felt Even laughing and looked up at him. Even schooled his face into something innocent and looked down at him like he was totally sympathetic. “Traitor,” he whispered, and Even smiled into the kiss pressed to Isak's forehead.

“So, what, you're not gonna have sex?” Magnus asked.

“We have plenty of sex,” Isak said. “There's a lot to do besides... that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Magnus said with a nod. “I came across it in my research.”

Isak didn't want to know what Magnus's research was, because he really didn't want to be on this topic anymore. So he turned his focus back onto the puppet show, which was not much better.

The boys left after another forty minutes, and Isak and Even made out on the couch for a long while after that, before going to bed. Isak was one of those bitches who got spooned every night, now, one of the bitches he used to hate out of pure envy. He loved it. They never woke up in the same position they fell asleep in, because Even was the most restless sleeper Isak had ever fucking met and rolled over seventeen thousand times a night, but falling asleep they were packed together and weighted down by each other. Tonight Isak hugged Even to his chest, his nose touching Even's back and his arm around Even's waist. In the morning they'd wake up on separate sides of the bed, moving apart without even noticing, but inching closer again as soon as their eyes opened.

  
**III**

When Isak got home from school—well, from having coffee with Even for two hours after school—his mom was setting the table, and he was so surprised that he could do little more than stand in the kitchen doorway and stare at her, his backpack hanging from one shoulder.

She saw him before he could announce his presence, and she smiled and said, “Hey, baby.”

“Hi, Mamma,” he said.

“Will you finish setting the table?” she asked, straightening up with silverware clasped between both hands.

“Yeah, of course.” He dropped his backpack beside the counter and took the forks and knives from her. “Are you feeling better?” he asked, setting the cutlery down with little regard for how pleasing it'd look.

“Much better,” she said, and he smiled.

“Good. That's good.”

“I called Doctor Lise,” she continued, moving to the stove and flipping over the chicken she was grilling. “To get the email of that psychologist she recommended to me the last time. This one's name is... Astrid, I think.”

“Did you talk to that other one, too?” Isak asked. “The man?”

She shook her head. “No. No, I don't want to talk to a man. I want a woman doctor.”

It made sense. She'd been abandoned and neglected by men her entire life, why should she trust this new one. “Well good,” Isak said. “I'm really happy for you. Did you make an appointment?”

“Yes. Tomorrow.”

“And when's your next appointment with Doctor Lise?”

“Two weeks from Wednesday,” she said with a nod, looking over her shoulder at him with a smile. He had forgotten that when he was a kid, she'd been this on top of things. She could remember everything in the world without writing a thing down, she was the master of getting her kid out the door on time. There were a lot of things that he guessed would start reappearing from his youth. She was already happier than he'd seen her in years, more confident. He'd been young when she started losing all of that, all of her happiness and confidence, but as it slowly came back, he recognized it as a returning feature, not something new.

“Where's Lea?” Isak asked, finished with the silverware and napkins and cups of water.

“Upstairs with Petey,” she answered. She was stirring something in a pot that he couldn't see as he leaned against he counter across from her. “She's supposed to be doing homework, but who knows.”

This was another thing he remembered. His mom had always been the _let them learn their own lessons_ parent. If Isak didn't do his homework after she told him to, she'd let him go to school and get in trouble for it, and then say, “Well I told you to do it, didn't I?” If he was doing something stupid and reckless but not life-threatening or with a serious potential for grave injury, then she'd tell him to stop once and then she'd watch him fall off his bike as he rode with no handlebars, anyways. As she patched up his skinned knees, she'd say, “Well I guess we learned not to do that, huh?”

He had missed her, he realized with a start. The woman he'd lived with since Lea's birth had been his mother, but only a dulled version of her. Now she was back with all her vibrance and life, and his heart ached for the time they'd missed out on but more than that he just felt. Happy.

Happy.

“We're having mashed potatoes,” she said, jarring him from his thoughts. “You like them, right? You used to love them.”

“I still love them,” Isak said. “Thanks.”

“There's also some peas,” she said. “But those are from a can, I'm not sure where else to get peas.”

“You can get the pods, right?” Isak asked, reaching over her shoulder for some of the sliced carrots she had on a cutting board.

“Can you?” she asked.

“I don't know,” Isak admitted. “Should I get Lea?”

“Sure. It's almost ready.”

He kissed her cheek before going upstairs and knocking on Lea's half open door. “Ready to eat, kid?”

Peaches padded up to the crack in the door and stuck her nose through the small gap mouth open and tongue hanging out. He touched her head and opened the door further to let her pass through, then peeked in at Lea sitting on the floor with her Legos in her hands, homework sheets forgotten at her side.

“Lea, food's ready,” he said, and she turned around. “You're doing your homework when we're done eating,” he continued as she stood up. “In the living room so I can watch you.”

“Yeah yeah,” she said, brushing past him with an eye roll and a small smile. He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, jostling her as he stepped down the stairs with Peaches at his heels, licking at Lea's face where she was hanging upside down at Isak's back.

“Hey, baby girl,” their mom said when Isak put Lea on her feet next to her.

“Hey, Mamma. Whatcha making?” She stood on her toes to look into the skillet. Isak peeled her fingers off the edge of the stove and dipped his spoon into the mashed potatoes to taste. Lea tugged his arm down before he could get the spoon to his mouth, though, so he had to take another bite for himself.

“Chicken and potatoes and peas,” his mom answered.

“She won't eat the peas,” Isak said.

“I won't eat the peas,” Lea agreed.

“When was the last time you tried them?” Marianne asked.

“I try them a lot,” Lea lied.

“She tried them once when she was five,” Isak said.

“They taste really good, Lea, will you just try some?”

Lea shook her head and took a seat at the table.

“It's not the taste,” Isak said. “She doesn't like that they're circles. She says it's dumb. At this point it's just a stubbornness thing.”

“I'm _not_ stubborn,” Lea said.

They had dinner as a family that night. In the way that they rarely had since their mom had gotten sick. And it was nice.

  
**IV**

Marianne adored Sana. They'd never met before, but Isak was finally feeling like his family was functional enough to introduce the two of them.

Sana shook his mother's hand, told her she loved the gold cross she wore on a chain around her neck, and complimented Lea. That was all it took.

His mother sat Sana down at the table and talked to her for half an hour, stuffing her full of cookies and slices of cake, asking her if she wanted to stay for dinner.

“Some other time,” Sana promised. “My mom's already cooking tonight. But thank you.”

Isak made sure to remember to tell his mom to make it halal, and then dragged Sana upstairs so that they could do the homework she'd come over to help him with. Even certainly wasn't doing wonders for his study habits. Even now, when he invited Sana over specifically for her assistance, he was on the phone more with Even than he was paying attention to her.

It wasn't exactly intentional. In the moment he thought it was only a second taken to answer a text, and then he was putting his phone down again. But then he just kept... picking it up, to answer more texts from Even, and it was becoming impossible to do any of the work he was supposed to be doing.

“You're so lovesick,” Sana said, grabbing the phone from his hand.

He watched her take it and couldn't even find it in himself to protest. He deserved it.

“What do you two _talk_ about all the time?” she asked. “You're always fucking talking, don't you get sick of each other?”

“I love talking to Even,” he said. “But I can stop. Let me just tell him that you're here, he'll leave me alone.” He extended his hand for his phone but she held it out of reach.

“You haven't told him that I'm here?” she asked. “This isn't his fault for texting, it's your fault for not telling him to stop. You suck, Valtersen.”

“I'm sorry, Sana,” he said with a pout. “Come on, I know you can forgive me. Pretty please? I really don't understand any of this shit. You're my only hope.”

“This is only because I kind of love you,” Sana said, handing him his phone back. “You get one text and one response, and then we're studying.”

He saluted her. “Swear it.”

“It's time to buckle down, Valtersen.”

“Understood.” He texted Even, _Gotta go I'm studying with Sana. Talk soon <3_

The response was immediate. _Have fun smarty pants :) Call me later <3 Like you lots <3_

  
**V**

When his dad came back he felt annoyed, at first. A bit scared of what would come, maybe, but mostly inconvenienced. Because here we fucking go again. Here he was, the man that couldn't leave, the man who couldn't stay but who couldn't stay away. Isak held Lea behind him as Terje came in the door like he hadn't been gone for months, and he prepared himself for what having his father back in his life would mean to him.

But when he returned back downstairs, to where Marianne was sitting on the couch with Lea in her lap, Isak in the armchair beside them, when he was carrying backed bags—

He was leaving for good, and Isak got no pleasure from it.

He didn't know _what_ he wanted from his father except that he be a different person. He'd wanted him to leave for good just as much as he'd wanted him to stay for good—he just wanted a decision made so that they could move past it. But now that a decision was made....

No one wants to grow up without a parent. No one wants to see someone they once loved turn into something mean and spiteful. So when Lea was in bed and his mom was asleep he started crying, and he didn't know why.

Because it was actually over, maybe. Because...

Because this was the finality he'd been looking for, but it didn't feel anything like he'd wanted it to feel.

He called Even, and Even picked up swiftly. “Hey, baby,” he said, in that deep voice, calm and tilted up at the edges, sounding happy.

“Hi,” Isak said, and he knew he sounded a wreck, he didn't want Even to know this part of him again but. “Total honesty?”

“Total honesty, Isak, what's wrong?”

“My dad left,” Isak said, and the words made more tears fall. “For good this time.”

“I'm so sorry, baby,” Even said, voice soft. “You don't deserve that, I'm so sorry.”

“I just never thought it'd... end,” Isak said. “I never thought he'd do it, so I never fucking thought about it at all. And then.... He's been gone for months, I haven't talked to him outside of asking for money but it's still—knowing he's never coming back is different than just assuming it, you know?” He wiped at his eyes and nose and waited for Even's sweet voice to fill him up.

“I know,” Even said. “I can't imagine how hard it is, baby, but you'll get through it. You are the strongest person I know, love. You're everything. No one else would stay, like you've stayed. No one would've blamed you if you'd left, too. But you didn't. And you're such a good son, and such a good brother. He should've known how lucky he was to have you, Isak. He should have realized it.”

Isak laid down on his pillow, brushing tears away with the back of his hand. “Will you talk to me?” he asked. “I want to fall asleep to your voice.”

“I'll do anything you want,” Even answered, and Isak knew that he meant every word.

  
**VI**

“Why are you saying tofu like that?”

“I'm not saying tofu in any weird way.”

“You are, you're putting the emphasis on the u. You're saying tof- _u._ ”

“Why is that so bad? How do you say it.”

“It's just normal. Tofu. Emphasis on the o. Tofu.”

“It's the same thing.”

“It's not the same thing.”

“Tofu.”

“Jesus, Even.”

“What?”

“Don't laugh at me!”

“You're being so weird about my pronunciation of something you refuse to eat.”

Isak huffed out a sigh at him and rolled his eyes, leaning more heavily back into his embrace on Even's bed. “You're mean.”

“That's me,” Even said, kissing below his ear. Isak settled back further and put his face in the crook of Even's neck, one of Even's arms around his shoulders and the other wrapped around his waist. “How are you doing?” Even asked, rubbing his hand across Isak's side.

Isak shrugged. “I'm okay, I guess. It's not like him not being around is anything new, I just... I don't know to explain it. I guess I wish he cared enough to get his shit together and stay, but I knew that wouldn't've been good for either of us. Or my mom, or Lea. I don't know. We're finally coming together, you know? My mom's getting help and doing better, and I finally let Lea get a dog, and I just... didn't think _now_ would be when he chose to leave for good.”

“How's your mom doing with it?” Even asked, letting his hand run down Isak's leg, palm making sweeps over the side of his thigh.

“She's alright, I guess. I think she knew it was just a matter of time, but I also don't think they've cared about each other for a long time. I don't think she ever realistically thought he'd come back to stay.”

“And Lea?”

Isak laughed a little. “Lea couldn't care less. The guy's barely been around for most of her life, so why should she? I'm the one who's taking it the worst, and I hate that I am.”

“You're allowed to be upset,” Even said, pulling him close and kissing the side of his head. “What's that thing Sana said? You can love someone and still be hurt by them? Just because your dad hurt you doesn't mean you have to stop giving a shit. He was a part of your family. And you, unlike Lea, remember a time when he acted like a father to you.”

“Yeah,” Isak said quietly, waiting for him to say more.

“He was a big part of your life. It's not wrong to want that back.”

Isak turned to look at him. “I really like you,” he said, because it was easier to say than the other things he wanted to say. It'd been a month since the kiss that started this, almost three months since they started trying to mend their relationship at all, and Isak was the happiest he'd ever been. It felt like things were falling into place. It felt like... he could have this normal life he'd never had. As “normal” as it could be when he was gay with a mentally ill mother and a mentally ill boyfriend and an absent father and an eight-year-old sister who relied on him at every turn. Their normal, at least—their very best.

Isak kissed him, then, moving into his lap after a minute and threading his fingers through Even's hair as Even grabbed at the small of his back, at his ass and thighs, rubbing and pulling and forcing Isak closer.

They broke apart with their own little gasps, resting their foreheads together, and Even looked up into his eyes with so much reverence that Isak couldn't fucking think of why he hadn't let himself have this.

It'd been scary, yes, but holy shit was it worth it.

They had hurt each other and been hurt by each other, they had refused to talk and to understand. And the pain from that wasn't gone, it wasn't as if it'd never happened. But they'd done the best with it that they could. They'd turned it into the basis for what they had now; they'd talked and apologized and discussed, and they were honest with each other, _totally honest_ , and that old relationship that they were pursuing, when Isak was sixteen and Even was in his third year for the first time, that relationship wouldn't have lasted like this one was lasting.

Isak kissed him again and again, Even wrapped him up tight and he held him and kissed him back with every ounce of passion he had.

Isak had wanted something like this for so long, someone like Even, this freedom he felt and everything—everything was coming together.

“Baby,” he whispered against Even's lips.

“Yes, baby, what?” Even asked, holding him tight and kissing him again.

“I want to fuck.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://supermansplaining.tumblr.com/) and ask me anything :D


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many kudos omg thank you so much <333  
> as always i love your comments and i love when you send me asks on tumblr it makes me feel so loved :D  
> this fic is wrapping up fast and i'm kind of sad for it to be over but i think it's time for it :)  
> this hasn't been proofread (so sorry) so any mistakes are mine. if there's anything glaring please tell me and i'll fix it <3  
> ya'll are awesome and ily! enjoy <3

**I**

Sex with Even was amazing. It was constant and fulfilling and wonderful, and it was all weekend long, and they never left the bed. And it kind of seemed like the last step that Isak needed to solidify this.

He'd just had sex—real, penetrative sex—with another man. That was literally as gay as it got. But he'd done it without freaking out at all, he'd done it happily and a bunch of times. He was a proper, confident homosexual, now, and he had a proper, confident boyfriend, too. And the thought only made him happy.

So when they walked into school together on Monday morning, after spending all weekend having sex, Isak didn't feel like there was anything left to hide. It was a well-known fact that they were dating, now, and the talk had died down a lot, and more than anything he just got comments from rich girls saying that it was cute that he was dating a boy. It was mostly harmless, save for some odd stereotypes that he was suddenly a nice person just because he was fucking a boy instead of a girl. But, still, in the halls of school the most they would do was hold hands. Isak didn't think they'd ever kissed each other within the confines of the school, but it wasn't out of shame of each other, it was just getting used to this new relationship that pulled all eyes to them. It was self-preservation; they didn't have to kiss in public just to prove that they were solid. Not kissing in public while Isak's feelings only reached new depths, that was more proof that all the PDA in the world.

So, no, he'd never make out with Even in the middle of the hall like all the other couples seemingly staking their claim against the lockers. But he would drag Even into his science classroom twenty minutes before class was set to start, and he'd kiss him there. And it wasn't out of embarrassment, it was because this relationship involved only the two of them and no one else. And Isak had just had sex with a boy for the first time—or the first ten times—and he was feeling... good. He was happy and he wanted Even to know that and he wanted to be able to express it in the ways he wanted and, fuck, kissing his boyfriend was _his_ prerogative, and no one else's.

“You are so fucking hot,” Even said against his lips, one hand in Isak's hair and the other on the side of his thigh as Isak sat up on the windowsill.

“No, baby, you are,” Isak said, pulling him back in, winding one arm around Even's waist to tug him closer.

“God, you're giving me a boner,” Even said, breaking the kiss and groaning as he leaned away from him.

“It'll go away before class, come back.” Isak gripped the back of Even's neck and tried to pull him back to him. “Come on, baby,” he whined, when Even wouldn't kiss him again.

“It won't go away before class,” Even argued. “Because now I know what you look like when we're having sex and that's all I'll be able to picture all day.”

“Do you want me to say things I find unattractive about you?” Isak asked, giving up and leaning back against the window with his arms crossed.

“Yeah, that might work,” Even said, sitting on the desk across from him. They were still close together, Isak a bit higher up than Even was. Even placed his hands on Isak's knees and Isak covered them with his own.

“Okay,” Isak said. “Things to take your mind off what I look like when I'm getting fucked,” he said, feigning thoughtfulness as he looked at the ceiling. “And what I look like when I'm fucking you.”

“I'm gonna kill you,” Even warned.

“Okay, sorry, I'm actually starting now. Things I find annoying about Even Bech Næsheim.” Isak laced their fingers together and tilted his head back against the glass behind him, looking at Even with a small smile. He could stay in moments like this forever. “Well, your mug collection is some real shit.”

“That's unattractive?” Even asked.

“I like my men with more impressive mugs than you have,” Isak said, running his thumbs over Even's hands. “It's also not very sexy when you sing pop songs at six am when I'm trying to sleep. Ugh, don't even get me started on the way you pronounce simple words--”

“I'm not having this argument with you again--”

“It's literally two syllables--”

“We're breaking up.”

“Don't even joke,” Isak said with a laugh. “Is your dick calm enough to kiss me again?”

“It hasn't calmed down at all,” Even admitted, and Isak laughed again.

“Then you don't have anything to lose by kissing me again.”

“That's true,” Even said, standing up and holding their joined hands out to the sides as he stepped between Isak's spread thighs. They dropped each others' hands and put them around each other instead, and enjoyed the next make out session that lasted until Sana's bright, “Hi,” over Even's shoulder.

He broke away from Even's mouth—which was such a hard fucking thing to do—and smiled. “Hi, Sana.”

She put her backpack down and sat in the chair.

“Guess you should go,” Isak told Even, hands on his shoulders.

“I will,” Even said, closing his eyes. “I just... there's a situation.”

“No one's gonna be looking at your dick, Even,” he said with a laugh, pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around his neck to hug him tightly.

“You don't know how many people look at my dick on a daily basis,” Even mumbled into his hair.

“Girls don't check out guys' dicks. I could see if they were looking at your ass--”

“Yeah?” he teased, pulling back. “Do I have a good ass?”

“That's not what I meant,” Isak said with a smile.

“No, I mean, I knew that you loved it this weekend, but--”

“Even!” Isak said, closing his hand over Even's mouth. Even smiled behind it, he could tell from the curve of his lips against his palm and the way his eyes crinkled. “Go to class,” Isak said. “You dick.”

Even pressed a kiss to Isak's palm, then pulled his hand away and leaned in to kiss him quickly on the lips. “I'll see you at lunch.”

“Okay,” Isak said, watching him leave until Even looked over his shoulder and threw him a wink. He rolled his eyes and got down from the windowsill to sit beside Sana. “Hi, girl,” he said.

Sana looked over her shoulder, then back at him with her eyebrows raised. “Me? Talking to me? I didn't know you knew how to talk to anyone but Even anymore.”

When he said, “Fuck you, Sana,” they were both smiling.

  
**II**

“Why do you know so much of this song,” Isak muttered, his head on Even's shoulder as he squinted at the screen.

“ _How can I, make a man, out of you,_ ” Even sang softly, his cheek resting on top of Isak's head.

“That doesn't answer my question,” Isak said, still watching the screen. He had lost track of how many times he and Lea had watched _Mulan_ together, but he definitely never grew tired of it.

“ _Never gonna catch my breath--_ ”

Isak shoved a pillow into his face and Even fell onto his back on the couch with a laugh, tugging Isak down on top of him and kissing him deep before letting Isak rest on his chest, laying completely over him with their legs twisted together.

“Am I too heavy?” Isak asked, tucking his head beneath Even's chin and unsure of whether he would actually be able to move from this comfort if Even answered in the positive.

“No, you're tiny,” Even said.

“I hate you,” Isak said.

“Mm,” Even murmured, brushing his hands down Isak's back. “I don't believe you.”

Isak glanced over at the loveseat, where Lea was asleep with her arms around the dog's neck, her fingers curled into Peaches's scarlet collar. They'd been asleep for a long time, really since ten minutes after Isak put the movie on per her request. So Isak and Even had been watching this child's movie for about thirty minutes without a sentient child to watch with them, and they'd been enjoying the hell out of it. Even kept discussing feminism's impact in the storyline, which, okay, that's the whole movie, but Isak liked hearing him talk so he just made noises of assent to keep him going, eyes on the screen. Isak kept humming along with the songs, and then they'd kiss a little bit before turning back to the movie where five minutes had passed completely unknown to them, too busy making out to notice the progression of the plot.

“I should probably put Lea to bed,” Isak said after fifteen more minutes had passed and Lea stayed sleeping. He sat up from Even's chest and stretched as Even watched him with a smile. “Stop it. Dirty old man.”

“You would know--”

“Oh my God, my sister is right here,” Isak said, hitting him with a pillow, then leaning down to kiss him. “I'll be right back.”

He let Peaches out back for a second to do her business and then come back in to get a treat, and then he picked up Lea and carried her upstairs with Peaches following and her tail wagging lazily. When they were both in bed, Lea moving closer to Peaches in her sleep and pulling on her fur, Isak went back downstairs to where Even was sitting with a blanket over his lap, and it was... domestic, and wonderful. He could imagine coming home to this someday—not necessarily Even but _someone_ , and as much as he hoped it'd be Even, he also thought that he'd be just fine if it wasn't. He was free, now, and comfortable in his skin, and it wasn't Even who had done that for him, not completely, it was himself. He hadn't come out for Even. He'd come out because he didn't want to live the way he'd been living anymore.

So, yes, he could picture his future like he couldn't before. Could picture coming downstairs to a man on the couch who loved him, because it was what was happening now. Right now it seemed like it would be Even, like it would always be Even, but they hadn't been dating long and they were too young to have a firm grasp on “forever”. It felt like it would last... a while, at least. A long time, maybe, and even if it ended, Isak wouldn't regret the time they'd spent together. There'd never be a wasted moment.

Even had been there while he opened himself up, Even had helped him through it. As much as he'd wanted to come out for himself, he wouldn't have been able to do it on his own. But that had been just as much Even as it had Sana, and then Jonas, and then Magnus and Mahdi. Isak knew that no matter what happened in the future, he'd never be alone again.

Isak slipped into the space beneath Even's arm that Even had made for him, pulling the blanket over his legs and leaning his head against Even's shoulder.

He hadn't ever known that he could have this. That he could be wanted in this way that Even wanted him. And after their first time together, he had thought it even more; that he was wrong, that he was unwanted, that he was created just to be left by the people he loved.

And now.

Now he knew that he was wanted, Even showed him every single day. Not just with the sex—although nothing showed Isak that Even wanted him more than when they were in bed together—but with every single little thing. Drinking hot chocolate together instead of tea, just because Isak didn't like it. Watching dumb TV shows instead of cinematic masterpieces, talking late at night when Isak couldn't sleep, even though Even was supposed to be on a schedule. Everything Even did was to make Isak feel wanted, and it wasn't further apologies for what had happened between them, because that was in the past, and that'd been forgiven, and the lessons they'd taken from those mistakes were things they still used every day. Isak didn't regret anymore what happened. He didn't wish it hadn't.

Maybe the Isak and Even in that parallel universe, the one where they got It right the first time—maybe they were happy and well. Infinite versions of them were. But infinite versions weren't too. Isak wouldn't want to risk being trapped in those universes.

So he was glad that they didn't get it right the first time, because they got it right the second time. No other parallel universe matters when you're in the one you want to be in.

Even kissed his forehead and Isak smiled.

  
**III**

They were all sitting outside on the back porch of a house party as they passed a blunt around. Bundled in their coats and hats and scarves, alone in the cold at one in the morning. Isak looked around and he was so happy he got to be here. His friends had nothing but love and acceptance for him, his boyfriend— _boyfriend_ , it still shocked him sometimes to think it—was behind him and Isak was sitting between his legs, back against Even's chest as Even rested against the railing, the boys filling in the circle in front of them. They were laughing, telling dumb stories and singing bars of songs and trying to blow smoke rings.

Isak got quiet and sleepy and just rested back against Evens' chest with a smile on his face, glazed over eyes watching his friends fuck around, Even's hands intertwined with his and resting on his bent knees.

“Tired, baby?” Even asked, kissing behind his ear. “We can go back to mine if you want.”

“Mm, not yet,” Isak said, settling further back and drawing Even's arms around his chest. “I'm just high.”

“Me, too,” Even said. They would smoke twice a week at most together, because the pot wasn't good for Even, but as long as he stuck by his other rules, which he did pretty religiously save for his sleeping schedule when they went to parties, he wasn't in danger of an episode based on anything he did wrong.

“I can't wait to have sex with you later,” Isak said, tilting his head back against Even's shoulder and looking up as Even looked down.

“Me neither,” Even said, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“I think we'll probably just fall asleep,” Isak said, looking at those blue eyes.

“Probably,” Even said. “That'd be okay, too. We can stop at McDonald's on the way and get a lot of food and eat in bed and watch a movie, and fall asleep. Stoned sleeping is the best.”

“Stoned sleeping _is_ the best,” Isak agreed enthusiastically. “I love that plan.”

Even looked at him for a minute, eyes bloodshot and far away, and said, “What did I say?”

Isak had to think, too, before he said, “I don't know. Something about McDonald's.”

“McDonald's sounds so fucking good right now,” Even said.

“We should stop there on our way back to your place,” Isak suggested.

“You two are fucking baked,” Jonas said, and Magnus collapsed into giggles because that was the kind of high persona he took on. Mahdi became incredibly serious and tried to talk about deep stuff, and Jonas, no matter how much he smoked, was never as high as everyone around him, so he turned into some kind of corrupt babysitter.

Before he was out, Isak was a quiet guy while stoned. He just kind of sat there and let things happen around him. After Even, though, he apparently became some drowsy lovesick idiot who got completely stoned from five drags on a joint. His tolerance was way down since he and Even had their discussion about weed consumption that resulted in the guidelines they'd made together.

But he was realizing now that he'd been quiet before because he had nothing to add. He couldn't talk with his friends about girls, he had nothing to add to the conversations. So he stayed silent and half-listened and hoped he'd just fade into the background and be forgotten.

Now, though—now there wasn't anything to hide. Now he could talk freely without the fear of giving too much away. He could kiss his boyfriend and his friends wouldn't bat an eye. So he did. He tilted his head up to kiss Even again and again, because if kissing him sober made him feel high, then kissing him high was euphoric.

Even took the blunt from Mahdi's extended hand and held it to Isak's lips before taking a pull himself.

“Can we go inside?” Isak asked, cold nose shoved into the crook of Even's neck. “I'm gonna freeze.”

“I don't want you to freeze,” Even said, kissing his temple.

“Then let's go inside,” Isak mumbled.

“You wanna go inside?” Even asked.

“Holy shit,” Jonas said. “This is painful to watch. You two are never gonna be able to get home on your own.” He stood up and the others stared at him until he said, “Come on, we're going inside. Fucking stoners.”

He was one to talk, he'd smoked more than all of them and was the least phased. That's the marking of a true stoner.

They all got inside and got their layers off and Jonas laid them over the back of a couch as the boys watched him and awaited further instruction. Isak was supported by Even's arm around his waist, and the party raging around them seemed dulled and quiet.

Even leaned back against the wall and Isak stood in front of him and said, “I think I'd make a really boring horror movie guy.”

Even looked at him. “What does that mean?”

“I mean... if someone was, like, trying to kill me? It'd be boring to watch someone stalk me, or something. Because I feel like if someone was knocking on my window, or something, I'd just. Ignore it. And hope it went away.”

Even laughed and hugged him. “Baby, I like you so much.”

Isak kissed him, then, deep and heady with tongue, pressing him back into the wall. Even's hands moved down his back and to his ass, and Isak didn't give a fuck who was watching because having Even's hands on his ass through the seat of his jeans reminded him of a dozen other things they'd done with Even's hands on his ass. He wasn't going to stop feeling close to his boyfriend just because some people would see.

“Hey, baby?” Isak asked, dropping his forehead against Even's as their lips broke apart.

“Yeah?” Even asked, running his hands up and down Isak's sides, curling them around to his back.

“Do you like... being top or bottom better?”

Even nudged their noses together, breath ghosting across Isak's lips. “I don't care what I am as long as you're the other one.”

Isak smiled at him and kissed him again. “I think you're perfect,” he said.

When they did get back to Even's studio apartment, Books had been let out by one of Even's neighbors so all that there was to do was thank Penetrator Chris for the ride home and undress before falling into bed together.

“Big spoon or little spoon?” Even muttered, both of their eyes closed as they laid on top of the covers.

“Big,” Isak said, turning onto his side and lifting his arm for Even to fit under. “I'll be little tomorrow.”

“Goodnight, baby,” Even said, kissing his hand.

“Night, Even.”

  
**IV**

“I don't know,” Isak said.

“Yes you do,” Sana insisted.

“No, I don't,” Isak said.

“I taught it to you _two_ seconds ago, you jackass, where does all that information go? Into the phone that you won't fucking put away—give me that.” She said the last part while forcibly wrenching the phone from his hand. “Go make yourself useful.”

“How?” Isak asked, pouting at his stolen conversation with Even. They'd been discussing the merits of going to a Friday night party (getting moderately drunk) versus staying at Even's apartment (having long, loud, late night sex). To be fair, he was supposed to be studying. He had specifically asked Sana to help him with this, he had specifically asked for it to be today. So he figured he more or less deserved whatever punishment was about to be inflicted upon him.

“Go get snacks,” she said. “Something from the pantry, I don't care. And tea.”

“What kind of tea?” Isak asked.

“I don't fucking care, whatever you see first.”

“Do you have a kettle?” he asked.

“Of course we have a kettle, who doesn't have a kettle?”

“Even doesn't.”

“You're pissing me off.”

“Sorry.” He stood up from her bedroom floor and looked down at her. “Can I have my phone back?”

She glared at him. “What the hell makes you think I'm gonna give you your phone back?”

“You're right,” he said. “Stupid question. I'll be back in a bit.” He gave her a wink as he clicked his tongue, and went downstairs.

And... there was Even.

“What the fuck?” Isak said in the kitchen doorway, standing still in shock, and Even jumped as he turned around, dropping his tea bag onto the counter, looking just as surprised as Isak felt. They stared at each other for a few long seconds, until Isak asked, “What are you doing here?” and it felt vaguely reminiscent of all the times he'd asked Even that before, all the times he'd demanded to know Even's intentions when they were forcing themselves to hate each other.

“What are you doing here, baby, hi,” Even said, stepping closer to give him a kiss, hands cradling his face as Even smiled at him.

“I'm... studying with Sana—you didn't know I was here?” Isak asked, wrapping his hands around Even's wrists.

“No, I thought you had plans with Jonas,” Even said. “I don't think you told me where you were going, just that you had to leave before my last class ended.”

“I feel like this shouldn't be happening,” Isak said, glancing around as if there was someone who would possibly be playing this lame of a prank on them. He twined his fingers with Even's and looked up in the same confusion he'd been wearing since they saw each other. He wasn't processing the information very quickly. “What the fuck. How are you here right now?”

“Maybe it's the universe's way of telling us to make out,” Even said, and, okay, Isak could go along with that. The universe probably had better things to do than make sure two people who spent half their days kissing kissed once more, but Isak wasn't ready to argue Even's logic, because Even's logic meant they got to make out when he was supposed to be studying. Even's logic was the infinitely better choice.

They had about ten minutes before Sana's voice cut them off.

“I hate you so much right now, Valtersen.”

Isak pushed Even away with so much force that Even went stumbling back against the fridge. Isak put his hands over his mouth and was saying, “Sorry, baby,” when Sana grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the kitchen.

“What's your boyfriend doing here?” Sana asked when they were back in her room.

“Ask your brother, I didn't do this,” Isak said, sitting down on the floor.

“I can't believe you've been making out in my kitchen for fifteen minutes,” Sana said. “Unbelievable. You both have houses to do that. And science classrooms. And parties. Don't you french each other enough? Ugh, I hate you.”

“So mean,” Isak muttered, opening his book. “Why'd you invite me over if you didn't want me to kiss my boyfriend? What'd you think was gonna happen?”

“First of all, I should be able to expect better self control that that,” she said, and, okay, that was reasonable. He definitely could have waited two hours to kiss Even, when they had plans together to eat dinner with Marianne and Lea. “Second,” Sana continued, “I didn't know Elias's dumb ass had invited Even over. Do you really think I'd willingly put myself in a location with the two of you? No sane person would.”

“I remember when you used to be our biggest fan,” Isak said with a smile. Sana hit him with some rolled up pieces of paper.

“Chapter seven,” she said with a glare, and he flipped to it without question.

  
**V**

Isak refused to introduce his dog as Peaches to people who asked. It was one thing when Lea did it, all cute in her little eight-year-old voice. It was quite another thing when Isak, six feet tall and broad-shouldered, said, “Her name is Peaches,” to the middle aged man pushing a stroller down the sidewalk. It was a cute name when Lea said it, when Isak said it people just looked at him weird.

So when people asked and Lea wasn't answering, he lied. He used one of the million other names they called the dog.

“What an adorable dog,” a teenaged girl said, stooping to pet Peaches and then looking up at Isak, tucking strands of her hair behind her ear and smiling. “What's her name?”

“Petey,” he lied.

The girl stepped closer to him and he took a step back. Lea was at his side drinking a hot chocolate and looking between the two of them and being generally unhelpful as Isak slowly realized that he was being flirted with through body language.

“That's a nice name,” the girl said. Lea took a sip of her hot chocolate and looked at Isak in amusement.

“Thanks,” Isak said, although he didn't know why he was thanking some girl for liking his dog's name, a name that wasn't even hers, a name that he had pulled out of his mother's lips so that he didn't have to say “Peaches” out loud.

“You're welcome,” she answered with a smile, and Isak didn't really have a reason for why he did what he did next, which was panic and say, “Her name is Peaches.” The girl furrowed her brows and opened her mouth, but he spoke before she could, a rushed, “I have a boyfriend,” and then he stood there blinking at her like he, too, couldn't really believe he'd just said that unprompted, couldn't see why he felt it was necessary.

Lea burst into laughter in the moments when neither Isak nor the girl were reacting. She took his hand and led him away, and Isak had possibly never been so grateful for his sister.

“That was embarrassing to watch,” she said, taking the leash from his hands.

“It was embarrassing to experience, too, believe it or not,” Isak said.

“Why don't you rename Peanut if you don't like her name?” Lea asked.

“Because none of us call her Peaches, anyways, so why should I? It'd be impossible to teach her a new name if you and Mamma keep calling her weird shit.”

“That was a bad word,” Lea said.

“I'm old, I'm allowed to say bad words.”

“You are really old,” Lea agreed.

Isak looked down at her. “I'm not that old.”

“I hope I'm never as old as you,” Lea said. “If I get as boring as you are when I'm seventeen I might as well just _die_.”

“Okay, you're being dramatic,” Isak said. What else was new.

“All you do is sit around in sweatpants all the time with Even or Jonas.”

“Why do you have to bring my sweatpants into this?”

“Because they're baggy and awful and you won't take them off,” Lea said. “And all you and Jonas do together is eat chips and play that video game. The soccer one. Which is stupid.”

“Sana thinks it's stupid, too.”

“That's because Sana's smarter than you.”

“Damn, Lea, so mean.”

“Only to you. And Jonas.”

“I don't know why, Jonas has known you since you were a baby.”

“So have you,” Lea said.

“So, what, you're mean to all teenage boys who've known you since you were a baby?”

She nodded and took a sip of hot chocolate.

“You should be nicer to Jonas,” Isak said. “He spoils the hell out of you.”

“Jonas loves me,” she said, and it was true. “Even if I hated him he'd still bring me chocolate.” That was probably also true, although Jonas's form of spoiling her was letting her break all the rules and then leaving Isak to clean up the mess. Even's form of spoiling her was bringing her candy. Isak's form was just never saying no. She was spoiled from all around, and she was still turning out okay.

“Issy?” she said after a while of walking in comfortable silence, stopping every so often so that Peaches could sniff something and then walk away.

“Yeah?” he replied.

“I'm really glad you met Even,” she said. “I think you look a lot happier now.”

He smiled, resisting the urge to wrap her in a hug in the middle of the park's path because he knew she wouldn't appreciate that. “Thanks, baby girl. I am happier.”

He was happier for a lot of reasons, for Even and his family and his friends, but he thought Lea got that. He thought she knew. Because when she smiled up at him it was in that way that she did where she always knew more than she was letting on. So he smiled, too, and they kept walking.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk to me @supermansplaining on tumblr literally ask me anything i'll answer <3  
> your comments give me life and i'll always reply to them :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the end :) i have loved writing this fic so so much, and i've loved all of you even more <3 everyone has been so positive and sweet and wonderful. ya'll make me want to write and i want to thank you for that <3  
> thank you so much for all the kudos and comments and messages in my ask box. thank you for making me feel so loved.

**I**

It'd been three weeks since he started fucking Even, more since they'd started having sex at all. And it was _fucking_ awesome, all of it, so much better than he could have ever imagined.

It was always good, and it lasted forever. He wasn't the baby-faced sixteen-year-old anymore, he and Even were on even ground now, and the noises he pulled from his boyfriend made his world go round, no matter their position, no matter the act.

However, Even loved to use it against him. Isak wouldn't talk about sex to anyone but Even, and even then only barely. But Even was shameless. He texted him in class and whispered in his ear when they were sitting with their friends at lunch, he'd make innocent tasks suggestive as hell—brushing their teeth at night, or washing dishes.

But it wasn't all sex. It was still hugs and kisses and cuddles and movies. It was still making breakfast together and getting ready for school together and walking their dogs together. Even came to the Valtersen house for dinner or to watch a show with Lea or to study with Isak. Isak spent every weekend at Even's place and Even spent rare school nights at Isak's.

With his mother doing well again, Isak could leave for nights that Lea wasn't with Ann. He could trust that they would both be safe, both his mother and Lea, and he could spend the night with Even when he wouldn't have been able to before his mom's counseling and medications. She loved her psychologist, she loved her psychiatrist, and the medicines were starting to work without the extreme side effects. She hadn't been depressed in weeks and she hadn't had a psychotic episode in longer. Everything was working out.

Isak and Even were together most of the time, or at least most nights. It was easy for Isak to sleep when Even was in bed with him, just the weight and presence of another person made him feel safe and warm and the fact that it was _Even_ , who would never leave him in the middle of the night again, made him feel good. And Even had this whole empty apartment, and so Isak was enjoying some of his newfound freedom, freedom he'd never had before. He was going to his boyfriend's house to sleep, and his mother was letting him. Leaving home for any significant period of time had never been an option for him before. He figured his mom was making up for it now.

And it's not like he was abandoning his family; he never could. He loved them too much to never see them, he couldn't stay at Even's for two nights in a row without going home first, even if Lea was at Ann's. He'd stop by his house just to say hi to his mom and maybe grab another blanket because Even always stole the one he had and Isak was tired of waking up cold. But he was balancing it, was the thing. He was being a son and a brother and a boyfriend and he was handling it without sleeplessness and stress and forgetting to eat.

“Baby?” Isak murmured, waking up from sleep with the bed next to him empty. “Even it's Saturday. Come back to bed.” When he opened his eyes it was still dark outside and he groaned. “Even!”

“I'm peeing!” Even called back from the bathroom.

“Why'd you wake me up?”

“I didn't mean to.” Isak heard the toilet flush and the sink run and then Even was reappearing next to the bed, taking Isak's outstretched hand and climbing under the covers. “You're a light sleeper.”

“You're a loud pisser,” Isak said, burying his face in the crook of Even's neck.

Even laughed and wrapped Isak up in his arms. “I'm sorry, baby.”

“You know how much I love it when you call me that?” Isak asked. “Because I do. Even before we were together, that first time, when you started calling me baby?”

“Yeah?”

“I was so fucking gone for you, Bech Næsheim.”

“I was gone for you, too.”

“But not as much as I am, now,” Isak said into his neck. “I'm glad we fucked it up the first time. There's no guarantee we'd be here if we hadn't.”

Even rubbed large circles over his back, pausing like there was something he wanted to say but couldn't, yet. “You're amazing, Isak.”

Isak smiled, and he knew that Even could feel it through the t-shirt he was wearing. “You are.”

“I guess we both are,” Even said. “Power couple.”

“You're exhausting. Go back to sleep.”

Even kissed the side of his head and turned them onto their sides so that he could spoon Isak to his chest, his apology for waking him up and a well-proven way for getting him back to sleep.

“Goodnight, baby,” Even said. “I'm sorry for waking you. Hope you don't hate me in the morning.”

“I might,” Isak mumbled, threading his fingers through those that Even had on his chest.

“Oh no,” Even muttered, clearly feeling sleepy, too. “What can I do so that you don't?”

“French toast in the morning,” Isak said. “And coffee in my dinosaur mug.” He gave a soft whistle and said, “Books, come here,” and it was only a few seconds before the dog was jumping onto the bed and laying down in front of Isak. Isak let go of Even's hand to stroke over Books's fur, then smiled. “Goodnight, baby.”

“Sleep well,” Even whispered, kissing the back of his neck

  
**II**

“We've been in here for way too long,” Isak said, watching Even walk slowly down the aisle, studying every spice label before ultimately not choosing it and moving onto another one. “Are we gonna be able to leave any time soon?”

“Do you want me to cook for you or not?” Even asked, throwing a look over his shoulder. Isak looked in their grocery cart. They'd been there for at least half an hour and the only things Even had been able to decide on was a bag of rice and some chicken breasts, after standing in front of the meat section of the coolers for ten minutes as Even poked at them.

“Do you want to eat before midnight?” Isak asked. Even smiled at him over his shoulder and picked a jar of spices off the shelf to set in the cart.

“You're impatient,” Even said, pushing the cart around the corner.

“You spend ten minutes on each ingredient, I have a right to be impatient. Plus, you wanted to go by the thrift store on our way back because you refuse to wash your dishes.” Isak followed him into the corner of the store with the bakery items and leaned back against the deli counter as he watched Even look at loaves of bread.

“I need more plates anyways,” Even said, holding a cellophane-wrapped baguette in his hands to look at more closely.

“Just wash them, I'll do it for you.”

“I'm not having my boyfriend wash my dishes for me, I'm not that pathetic, I can live alone,” Even said, setting the baguette down and picking up another one.

“Buying new plates because you don't feel like washing the ones you already have is _the_ most pathetic thing.” He watched Even reject that loaf of bread, too, and sighed heavily. “Will you just pick a fucking piece of bread, Even, please, I'm starting to hate this store and you and everything you've bought.”

“Sir, could you not lean on the deli counter, please,” said a bored voice from behind him, and Isak sprang off the glass and turned around to look at the man. They stared at each other in challenging silence for a minute—or, Isak was challenging and the other guy just looked disinterested—and then Isak turned back to Even.

“I'm getting in trouble, now, Even, can we go?”

“It's not my fault you got in trouble,” Even said with a laugh.

“It is,” Isak said with an angry pout. “If you hadn't made me come here--”

“I'm ready to go,” Even said, and leaned in to kiss him while taking one of his hands. “You're so grumpy all the time, Jesus, how did I ever fall for you?”

“I guess I tricked you,” Isak said, letting himself be pulled to the checkout counter.

Even wasn't any kind of master chef, but give him a cookbook and he could follow the recipe perfectly, unlike Isak who just didn't know any basic necessities for cooking, like what stove setting was best for any given situation, or how to know when it was time to flip a pancake.

He stood beside Even as he paid, and he took the bags when the checkout girl gave them to him, and then they left to walk down the street to the thrift store, each carrying one bag and their free hands laced together. Because Isak could do that, now, he could hold hands with his boyfriend for strangers and friends and acquaintances alike to see. He didn't care. He was still a bit scared of kissing, but he tried it a few times each outing just to warm up to the idea, even though Even always told him that he wouldn't be upset if Isak didn't want to kiss him in public.

Having a boyfriend who had also struggled with his sexuality was helpful to Isak. It was nice to have someone who had been through it to, who understood that Isak still needed time, even after all the months they'd been together. Who understood that it wasn't an instant fix from coming out to friends and getting a boyfriend. It was a messier timeline than that, becoming comfortable in his skin when he'd spent so long feeling ashamed of himself. He could never be ashamed of Even, and he was trying hard to not be ashamed of himself, but it just wasn't that easy. So many years of thinking he was wrong for what he wanted wouldn't be fixed in a matter of months, no matter how much love and support he took from his family and friends and boyfriend.

“Okay,” Even said, when they were in the thrift store. “Plates.”

“You're so lazy,” Isak said, letting Even pull him to the shelves along the walls filled with miscellaneous knick knacks and old coffee makers. “You'll stay up until one getting your boyfriend off but you can't make time to wash your dishes.”

“I only have three plates,” Even defended, still holding Isak's hand as he checked along the shelves. “I probably needed more anyways.”

“I can't believe they call you a grown-up,” Isak said. “I can't believe you're fucking twenty years old and living on your own. Who would let you do that?” He saw a stovetop kettle with a three dollar sticker on it and picked it up. Because when he was a nice boyfriend and decided to help Even make breakfast, he didn't like nearly scalding himself as he poured boiling water from a saucepan into the mug with nasty ass chamomile tea in it.

Even found a nicely-matching set of four absolutely hideous ceramic plates and picked them up happily without looking around for ones that were more attractive. The general aesthetic of his apartment was an eclectic mix of things he just happened to have for some reason or another, so the ugly plates would fit right in.

“Baby, look!” Even said, drawing Isak's attention from a shiny ceramic cat and to a collection of mugs that Even was standing in front of. Isak walked over and looked with him. “Let's each get one,” Even said, moving the mugs around so that they could see all that there was to offer. Isak was pretty connected to the dinosaur mug that changed colors with heat, but it was always nice to have a backup so that they didn't have to wash mugs twice a day.

Most of them were plain white or with the logos of businesses on them, but Isak found one with Dr. Phil's face on it and Even picked up the absolute ugliest one he could find which had some misspelled child's sports' team name on it in English (The Bumbelbees) along with a few dozen poorly-drawn bees flying around the tiny baseballs that littered the white space. It was tacky and awful and just what Even would want.

Even bought the plates and mugs but Isak bought the kettle as a three-dollar “early anniversary present,” and thus prompted a serious discussion of when their anniversary actually was because neither could remember the day they kissed, whether they'd been together four months or five, and neither could think of a way to figure it out.

“I don't give a fuck how long it's been,” Even said, holding him around the waist as they stood at the tram stop. “As long as you're mine. Who cares about anniversaries? Time's an illusion, baby, it doesn't change the way I feel about you.”

Isak looked up at him with a crooked smile before leaning in for a kiss. “You're such a fucking sap,” he murmured. “It's honestly embarrassing.”

“Good,” Even said.

“Good?” Isak asked.

“If you stay with me while I'm embarrassing I know you'll stay forever,” Even said with a smile. He kissed Isak's nose and rested their foreheads together, and Isak was all lovesick on a sidewalk in Oslo, about to go home with his boyfriend and let his dog outside while Even started cooking, and he'd come back in and wrap his arms around Even's waist and look over his shoulder at the chicken he was making, rice boiling in the pot on the stovetop. They'd rinse off their new plates and eat in bed with beers beside them, they'd clean up the kitchen halfway and then get distracted with kissing, they'd lock Books in the bathroom and fuck in Even's bed. Even would get dressed enough to let the dog outside one more time, give him a treat on their way back in, and come back to hug Isak to his chest, whisper in his ear, “Big spoon or little spoon, baby?”

But right now they held each other at a tram stop on a sidewalk in Oslo. Right now they kissed and held grocery bags and pulled their hoods over their heads as it started to rain. Right now Isak loved him, too, just as much as he would tonight, and tomorrow, and for as long as Even would let him.

  
**III**

Isak usually wasn't the nicest guy. He knew that. He knew that he was short with people, he knew that he had little patience. But the guy hitting on him was just so nice and _nervous_ that Isak didn't know what to do. He didn't want to push him away, like he would if the dude was being a dick, and he didn't want to blurt out that he had a boyfriend in case the guy wasn't actually flirting but was just awkward in general. Plus, he didn't know if he could handle the guy's face falling in either disappointment or embarrassment, because it wasn't the guy's fault that Isak had a boyfriend, it wasn't like Isak would be upset with him for trying.

He'd come up to Isak as Isak was talking with Mahdi in a corner of the small party, in the middle of the day on a Saturday, and he'd said, “Hi, Isak.”

Isak had no idea who this guy was. He had no idea why he was being approached. And he probably would have been a bit grouchier if the guy wasn't wringing his hands together and looking at him with a sheer vulnerability that Isak himself had only recently allowed himself to feel.

“Hi,” Isak said.

“I'm Julian,” he said. “I just. I think it's real cool that you're out, and stuff. I just, I don't know, wanted to tell you.”

“Oh,” Isak said. He could handle this conversation. It wasn't some straight girl telling him he was cute for shoving his dick in Even, so he didn't mind being approached for it. “Thanks. I like it, too.”

“Hey, man, I'm Mahdi,” Mahdi said, holding his hand out for Julian to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” Julian said with a genuine smile that seemed almost relieved, and that solidified it. Isak couldn't be rude to this guy. He was just too fucking _nice_ to deserve Isak's usual personality.

“Do you go to Nissen?” Mahdi asked, because Isak was no conversationalist.

“No,” Julian said. “But I had just heard that Isak who used to date Sara had come out, and, like, I guess my interest was... piqued, or something.” His cheeks were flaming. Isak wasn't sure why until he realized that Julian hadn't mentioned Even at all, and might not even know that the two were dating. Isak hadn't posted any pictures with Even on social media, or anything, so unless word of mouth had included Even in his coming out story, then it was very possible there were plenty of people who didn't know about him.

“Cool, dude,” Mahdi said, and took a sip of beer, then said bye and wandered away, leaving Isak and Julian by themselves.

“So, uh,” Julian said, twisting his fingers together. “What kind of music do you like?”

And it was so reminiscent of how he and Even had started flirting the first time around that Isak was suddenly just as nervous as Julian seemed to be. He didn't want to be flirted with. He didn't know how to handle it, and he didn't even know if it was happening or if it was just in his head. Back when it had been girls flirting with him, before he was out, he knew how to at least act interested. Now his charm with women was gone, and he had only been able to charm one boy, the boy he was pretty seriously dating after they hated each other for six months, so he probably just didn't have any charm left, he'd used it all up on girls he didn't even like.

“Um,” Isak said. He would honestly rather date Julian than embarrass him, he didn't know how to do this at all. He hated the situation he was in. Out of everything he'd gone through, being heartbroken and accepting himself and forgiving Even, this was the hardest. An exaggeration, yes, but in this moment it seemed like the actual worst thing that he'd ever gone through. “I like old rap,” he said. “My... boyfriend introduced me to Nas, have you heard of him?”

There it was. Julian's cheeks went hot again and he just looked so _sad_ that Isak wanted to take it back and pretend that he was kidding, just so that he wouldn't look like that anymore. He almost wanted to apologize, but he wanted to keep up the front that he hadn't known that Julian was flirting with him, because if he didn't think that Julian was flirting, maybe Julian wouldn't feel bad about trying. He didn't want him to feel bad.

Jesus. Dating Even had sure made him soft.

“No, I've never heard of him,” Julian said. “I'm not really into that kind of music, anyways. But maybe I'll check him out.”

Isak nodded, and then simply didn't know what to say. But luckily, there was Even, sliding up beside him and smiling, completely oblivious of what'd just happened between Isak and Julian. Not that Even would be jealous anyways, now that he had him. Before, when Emma was trying, Even couldn't have been more obvious in his disdain. Now that Isak was his, nothing would make him think that he'd lose that.

“Hi,” Even said, kissing his cheek as he wrapped an arm around his waist. He stuck out one hand for Julian. “I'm Even.”

“Julian,” he said with a blush, but even if Even caught on, he didn't make it obvious. He wasn't the jealous type, and he wasn't mean. He didn't have the kind of personality that would make him stake his claim over Isak in the middle of this daytime house party.

It was only after Julian muttered a quick excuse and left that Even kissed him on the lips. “Did I interrupt anything?” he asked, genuinely concerned. “I didn't mean to make him run off.”

“I think he was trying to... flirt, maybe? God, do I sound like such a conceited jackass?”

“Of course he was flirting with you,” Even said with a smile. “I could see it from across the room. But I wasn't about to get involved.” He kissed Isak's temple. “Who wouldn't want to flirt with you, love, I can't think of any reason in the world.”

Isak wrapped his arms around him and kissed him again. “Sometimes I feel like I could never deserve you,” he said softly, looking in his eyes. “And then I remember you wouldn't want me to think like that. So I don't, anymore. I don't think you're too good for me. I think that we're perfect together.”

“We are, baby,” Even said, holding him. “We are.”

  
**IV**

“You have too much hair,” Lea said, looking up at Jonas with her hot chocolate clutched between her hands.

“ _You_ have too much hair,” Jonas answered. “I should cut it all off when you're sleeping.”

“I dare you,” Lea said.

“Don't tempt me,” Jonas replied.

“Can you not act like you're five, please?” Isak asked, unsure of whether he was talking to one or the other or both of them as a general whole.

“She started it,” Jonas said.

“You said yourself two days ago that you need to get a haircut,” Isak said. “Don't blame her for pointing out the truth.”

He looked down at Lea smiling smugly up at Jonas. “Issy'll always take my side.”

“He's known me longer,” Jonas said, which was objectively true; he'd known Jonas since he was five and started kindergarten, and Lea only came into his life when he was nine.

“He's known me my whole life,” Lea said, which was also true.

“So have I. Doesn't mean I like you.” She stuck out her tongue at him, and Isak knew that if there was anyone who loved Lea as much as he and his mother did, it was Jonas. “I was there way before you,” Jonas added.

“Doesn't matter,” Lea said. “Isak loves me the most. Even more than Even. It goes me, Even, you. So ha.”

“Mean,” Jonas said, looking at Isak. “Is that true?”

“I genuinely can't tell if you're kidding right now,” Isak said. “Of course I love Lea more than you, she's my sister.”

“Well, fuck, I love Lea more than you, too, but I'm not gonna _tell_ you that,” Jonas said.

“You just did.”

“Only because you did, first. Do you really like Even more than me? You've known him a year, you've known me for twelve times as long.”

“Look,” Isak said, stopping them, the dog's leash in his hand drawing Peaches to a content stop at his feet, where she sat down with her tail wagging and her tongue lolling out of her open mouth. “You sure wouldn't want me to like you the way I like Even. It's different kinds of love, you idiot.”

“I'm still his favorite,” Lea said, and blew a raspberry at him. Jonas made one back, then put his arm around her as they started walking again.

“No one knows Issy as well as I do,” Jonas said. “And they never will. No matter how long you and Even are together, I'll still have been there longer.”

“You and Even are friends,” Isak said. “Why are you acting like you're sworn enemies.”

“Lea started it. Had me start doubting your devotion to me.”

Isak scoffed. “I was never devoted to you.”

Jonas smiled. “Sure you aren't.”

“I hate you.”

“That's not what you just said.”

“Well it's what I'm saying now.”

They came to a stop at a bench and Peaches went to Lea and put her head in Lea's lap so that she'd get pet. Jonas and Isak sat on either side of her, still nursing their coffees as Lea sipped at her hot chocolate. He couldn't remember now how long it'd been since he and Lea started taking these walks in the park. She was maybe five when they started, it was just a way to get out of the house when their parents fought or their mother screamed and neither of them knew what was wrong.

And now Lea was eight, and it felt like no fucking time had passed despite all the things that had happened in their lives since that first walk where Isak held her hand as they made their way down the park's path. She was older, now, and more confident and sure of herself. She was strong-willed and stubborn, she charmed everyone despite her demanding nature, or maybe because of it.

And Isak loved her. So much. He loved everything about her, loved having her near him, loved spending nights watching Disney movies with her, loved making dinner with her. He loved it when they went on walks together and he loved it when they did nothing but lay on the floor with the TV on for white noise.

He was so much happier now than he was six months ago, but Lea had been a constant light in his life for as long as she'd been in this world. Nothing would ever matter as much as she did.

He looked over her head and saw Jonas already looking at him with a soft grin on his face, like he knew just what Isak was thinking, and Isak smiled back.

**  
V**

Chris Berg, who used to suck on a spoon while making intense eye contact with Isak, had invited all the boys to a party she was having in her backyard. The girls would be there, and Eskild and Linn, and Penetrator Chris was going to come to make out with Eva for a bit before offering people rides home when they were too drunk to take the tram.

It was a nice day. Warm enough that only a sweatshirt was needed, cool enough that the heat wasn't oppressive and uncomfortable. Isak held a beer in one hand and talked to Mahdi and Magnus and Jonas while Even was sitting with Sana and laughing. He wondered what they talked about, now that Sana wasn't just a buffer between them. Not that he felt that one needed a reason to talk to Sana, they could just be discussing the weather, but they both had looks on their faces that Isak knew well, that said it was something serious, but that they were happy. And that was what mattered. That they were happy.

Eva put on some music and Isak leaned against the wall watching everyone dance with a smile on his face, until Eskild danced over to him and took his hands and danced him back into the group he'd just come from. So he jumped around, which was all the dancing he really knew, and he let different people take him by the hands spin him around, and he laughed with the boys and the girls and Eskild and Linn, and even Penetrator Chris, who smacked him on the back like they were old friends. When he saw Sana in the circle, he took her hands and twisted her and hugged her and smiled as she pulled away from him to join her huddled and dancing group of girls, who let her in as she looked over her shoulder at him, dark lipstick split in a grin. There were hands on his waist and he turned around into Even's chest and wrapped his arms around his neck, leaning in to kiss him.

They only danced for a while, throwing arms around shoulders and jumping and twisting and joining their friends before backing away again. But soon Even dragged him from the crowd and they caught their breath under the shade of a tree, standing in front of each other with the fingers of one hand each loosely intertwined.

“Hey,” Even said softly.

“Hey,” Isak answered with a smile.

And this.

This was what he could have denied, this was what he could have given up. This was what mattered to him and this was what made him feel whole. He couldn't imagine it anymore, not having this. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that there were infinite parallel universes where they never reconciled after what happened, that there were universes where he never knew Even's side of the story, universes where he wasn't out of the closet. Universes where he was still unhappy and scared, where he was someone he didn't like, where he was pretending to be someone he wasn't. Universes where he wasn't with Even, where his mom wasn't better, where his sister had stayed with their father and their father was still racing back and forth without devotion. There were universes, out there, where he wasn't in love. Where he didn't know what it felt like at all, where he was still dark and fake and living a life that wasn't working for him anymore.

“Baby?” Even asked, and Isak looked up, smile playing on his lips.

“Yes?” he said, squeezing his hand.

Even's eyes were on him in the same way that they always were but now they cut through him like they had for a while, since he let them. And he was _seen_ in the way he'd always feared, he was opened and raw, and he wasn't scared at all.

“I think you might be the best thing to ever happen to me,” Even told him, knocking their foreheads together gently.

Isak took his other hand, too, and they hung joined in the space between them. “I'm so glad I have you,” Isak whispered.

It was this. This thing that made it feel like he could never fall deeper but here he was, not even halfway down the rabbit hole. Every time he thought he saw the bottom, every time he thought that this was it—

Even took his hands and kissed his lips and held his body, and Isak felt the floor give out again, in the way he was slowly getting used to.

“I feel like I've loved you forever,” Even said. “I can't believe there was a time when I didn't.”

Of course he knew that Even loved him, he'd always known it. But hearing it was different, hearing it made his breath catch and a sigh leave his lips and his face soften even more.

“I love you, too,” Isak said quietly, looking up with big eyes and a small smile. “I love you so much.”

“I want to be everything you need,” Even said. “I want to be who you deserve.”

“You are,” Isak said. “No one could be better.”

“I'm going to break again, Isak,” he said softly. “Someday, it'll come.”

Isak threaded his fingers through Even's hair. “Then we'll figure it out,” he whispered, and closed the distance between them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the mug shopping was for my anonymous * in the comments section who always leaves me the sweetest, most insightful comments.  
> shoutout to @ssssszx who is translating this story for Chinese fans <3  
> i'll be leaving on a three week vacation with limited internet access on friday, so it'll be a while until i get to post for ya'll again :) still leave me comments and asks and i'll answer them when i can <3  
> please talk to me, let me know what you think, ask me questions or just talk to me about anything at all on [tumblr](https://supermansplaining.tumblr.com/)  
> (adding this as an edit): this is the song i listened to as i wrote part V and i want to post it because it helped me :) [As We Move Forward](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VajuF_Ah2Y) by The Family Crest
> 
> i have really really appreciated all of you. thank you <3


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